My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 1. I love him deeply and, aside from one issue, we’re very happy together.
The problem is that he’s picked up a habit of smoking weed. I’ve told him multiple times that it bothers me and I’ve asked him to stop. He always agrees but then continues to do it behind my back. I’ve caught him several times, and each time I’ve confronted him, he’s lied or made excuses. It’s reached the point where I’ve threatened to leave and even divorce him over this.
Now he’s saying he recognizes he has a problem. He told me he has an appointment with a therapist on Monday. I want to believe him, but I’m also tired of being lied to.
I don’t know if I should stay and support him through this or if I’m setting myself up for more hurt. I really do love him and, apart from this, we have a great relationship. I’m just not sure if love is enough.
Has anyone been through something similar? What would you do?
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 1. I love him deeply and, aside from one issue, we’re very happy together.
The problem is that he’s picked up a habit of smoking weed. I’ve told him multiple times that it bothers me and I’ve asked him to stop. He always agrees but then continues to do it behind my back. I’ve caught him several times, and each time I’ve confronted him, he’s lied or made excuses. It’s reached the point where I’ve threatened to leave and even divorce him over this.
Now he’s saying he recognizes he has a problem. He told me he has an appointment with a therapist on Monday. I want to believe him, but I’m also tired of being lied to.
I don’t know if I should stay and support him through this or if I’m setting myself up for more hurt. I really do love him and, apart from this, we have a great relationship. I’m just not sure if love is enough.
Has anyone been through something similar? What would you do?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Over weed lol damn. Staying neutral. YTA to me but you have different standards.
Read your other posts. Sounds like the real problem is lack of commitment and laziness on his part.
If you are giving up so much of your life he needs to be all in.
“I’m just not sure if love is enough” right there is your reason to leave. You’ve checked out emotionally because of this. 8 years down the drain.
Stay with him if he actually follows through with therapy and quitting. He sounds like he knows he has an issue. Do not get pregnant until you are sure he has quit though.
What’s wrong with smoking weed? You should try it!
YTA i get that it bothers you but to refuse to allow him to do that at all is kinda ridiculous especially without any valid reasoning or context. Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be able to enjoy it. Should he have lied? no but however if he wants to be able to wind down his night with a blunt rather than a drink he should be able to do so he’s an adult. If anything you should come up with a compromise like where he would have edibles instead of smoking cause i know it can smell. But to make him fully stop just cause you don’t like it is a you problem.
why is what he does with his body any of your concern? also, threats that you aren’t living up to? you sound like a control freak
Wait why isn’t he allowed to smoke weed
If you are seriously considering divorce because of him smoking weed then you weren’t or aren’t anymore serious about this marriage.
YTA. What happened to the vows in sickness and in health? With your negative views on cannabis, isn’t it technically a sickness? He wants to stop for you, but keeps relapsing.
We won’t even get into why you feel the need to control what medicine he takes… but yeah you’re the YTA just for wanting to leave when he’s dealing with a battle because of your demand!
does he do what he says he’ll do? does he still go to work & take care of his responsibilities? he’s a grown adult, and you can not like it, but having a blunt to relax at night is the same as having a glass of wine with dinner, but weed doesn’t make you act as dangerously as alcohol. I’d be delighted to have a stoner partner. Its alcohol you gotta worry about.
YTA, if you won’t stop nagging him about this you should definitely leave this man to smoke his grass in peace
YTA. if this is your only problem then you have a pretty good relationship. But, you know, the grass is always greener on the other side.
Why do you care if he smokes?
Why does it bother you that he smokes weed? Is your life affected by it in a negative way or is it only about you wanting to control him?
Wild takes from people in the comments. Possibly haven’t seen OPs follow up comments?
Doesn’t seem like it’s occasional smoking it seems like he is addicted. My question is, if weed was replaced with alcohol would everyone be cheering the husband on?
Jesus some responses are pretty black and white and that just isn’t the way to approach this issue.
If your husband does X where X is any new thing that you don’t agree with, that’s completely your call to not be ok with it. But he is also able to make the call on whether you not being ok with it means he will stop doing X. I get that seems a bit confusing, so I think there are a few ways to explain it.
Sometimes we are in a relationship with a loved one when they change/adopt a new habit. It happens. There is no black and white rulebook on what is ok for an adult to do with their life/body/money/time/other resources.
My partner recently quit smoking. For a year or so I had tried to suggest, then negotiate, then be involved with/cheerlead/monitor or otherwise influence him in quitting… until a few months ago where I stopped focusing on him as ‘the problem’. I reflected on what was within my control. I set actual boundaries.
I told him that I respect if he wants to be a person who smokes and it’s not up to me to change him if that’s who he wants to be. But I told him that I don’t want to have a partner who smokes, or who lies about smoking, so if he plans to keep being that person then let me know and I would respectfully move on.
I get that you have been in a long relationship and this might seem impossible, but the point is you really need to change the power dynamic. Stop coaching/teaching/parenting by trying to get him to change his behaviour. Instead, step in as an equal to him, lay out your own needs and limits. Then stick to your word.
Does he function high, work etc. If so let him smoke. If he lazy divorce him he not going to change. Sober or high
Look ahead twenty to what your life(and that of any children you might have) with him will be like if he does not stop (because chances are high—ha—that he won’t), and what it would be like without him if you leave now. There’s a better future ahead for you without him.
Honestly YTA. You’re married. Through sickness and health. He didn’t cheat on you, he’s smoking weed…🥴 there’s obviously a reason he took it up and can’t stop. weed itself isn’t an addiction, though many get addicted to how it makes them feel not necessarily the drug itself. Therapy and maybe couples counseling? But to lose a 8yr relationship over weed seems crazy to me. Maybe there’s other things bothering you and this is just the cherry on top.
I’d definitely looking into couples counselling
It’s super hard when the person you love has a habit they’re not upfront about, and the lying just poisons everything. It’s awesome he’s saying he’ll get help, but that’s just step one. You’re not setting yourself up for hurt by thinking about protecting yourself. You deserve honesty, and if he can’t give that consistently, love alone really might not be enough to fix it.
NTA. Smoking cigarettes is a deal breaker for me. I don’t care if 10,000 of you would think I was wrong. If my spouse suddenly started smoking cigarettes – my deal breaker – I would 100% be prepared to leave. Is toking up really that vital that it’s more important than a spouse???
How often is he doing it? Every day? Once a week? Once a month? If you really hate it I guess how often may not matter, but if it’s not affecting his day to day life and just makes him zone out once in a while I don’t think it’s the worst problem to have. I could see if it was him spending too much money on it or acting terrible when he does it but it’s just seeming like it’s not your preference, which is okay, but I’m not sure divorce worthy. If you went into the relationship saying I will not tolerate smoking weed and he ignored that that’s a little different. I’d go to therapy and hear each other out with a professional in the room. You may learn why he does it and feel differently about it after.
Do him a favor and end it.
Can I suggest maybe a trial separation with counseling for both of you? It might be for the best that way you can experience how it is to be out on your own. And so that you can see from the outside, if you feel like he is changing enough for you to come back. But in that time also work on yourself, because everybody has issues, and we all can improve one way or another.
Have you ever considered partaking? What is your overall concern with weed? Do you have cocktails?
Kind of sounds like this is more of a “last straw” type thing and the weed is merely the catalyst.
NTA he’s LYING to you about this. You’re allowed to set a boundary, the reason people are disagreeing is because it’s weed. If this is something you are not ok with, that’s ok, say “I can’t be with you if you smoke weed” then follow through on that boundary.
I have similar boundaries around weed and drinking and online explicit content. If someone I’m dating engages in those things then they aren’t the person for me.
Unpopular opinion apparently, but NTA. Your husband is the AH. Not for smoking weed, but for lying to you repeatedly.
Based on your comments, his smoking weed is impacting your lifestyle and your sex life. You two are sexually incompatible atm and incompatible in how you want to spend your free time because of how much weed he’s smoking. You are allowed to feel dissatisfied with that. Lying to you repeatedly erodes trust in your relationship. If you can’t trust him not to lie now, how can you trust him not to lie later if it’s more convenient or what he knows you want to hear.
Glad you guys are getting therapy. That could be a good first step to start having honest conversations with each other.
I would suggest getting marriage counseling. A lot of people will say you are overreacting but a marriage is built on trust. Your husband is lying about smoking weed and doing it behind your back. That indicates that he does not really respect your feelings on the matter. If he doesn’t respect your feelings on this then who knows what other things he will not respect your feelings on in the future. If you let this slide, he may feel like he could get away with violating your trust with something else if he wants to and that could lead to a lot of trouble.
NTA. Especially with him going behind your back.
I would let him try therapy first. However, if he continues to lie I would probably leave too.
i had a longtime girlfriend who hated when i smoked.. and funny thing was i only ever smoked when she was at work but she would hate me if i was high.. stupid. i’m a fucking grown man who is doing something not harming anyone.. so i broke up with her.. now 5 years latter i’m happily married with a women who is far superior in every manner.. so idk man smoking is t that serious.. i mean it seems like it doesn’t do it s whole lot.. like if he’s smoking at night to wind down and go to bed why does that bother you so much? if he’s going to thereby for smoking you definitely should go to find how why it bothers you that much that you are thinking about leaving your husband..
Why quit entirely? Imagine asking someone to quit drinking entirely, no wine at restaurants, no beer whatsoever. Weed is far more benign than alcohol? Why can’t you see it as harmless if used in moderation? Why so black and white?
What’s the problem with weed though. Do you have some negative associations with it? Is the weed changing him negatively? Why is he smoking in the first place? (Threatening) Divorce over this is absolutely wild to me TBH
Tell him, that you won’t live with a pothead and all the issues that come with it, so he better get himself straightened out before you walk away
My question is, is it affecting his daily activities, or is it that you just don’t like it ?
A good friend of mine would get the girlfriends with the good looks but opposite to him in terms of habits: he’s a die hard pot smoker but would keep it a secret because they are all thin and skinny and don’t smoke. He parties hard and is a drinker, yet his girlfriends take alcohol with a dropper. He’d manage to keep it a secret for a long time until it would eventually pop up, sometimes in the most hilarious of ways, like when he traveled all the way from the US to Germany to meet his girl (who had traveled ahead of him), who was at home visiting her parents, and when they sat on the couch he got close to her, she hugs him then sticks her hand in his jacket for comfort, only to find a twenty dollar baggie of weed inside that he unknowingly brought over from the US. My friend’s so toasted, he forgot he had that in his pocket the whole time and made it through numerous customs checkpoints without issue. Needless to say, she made him throw it away. What I’m trying to say is maybe he’s had this habit from before, and it might not at all be a detrimental issue since it is well known that cannabis has medicinal properties. It is understandable that you are not ok with it, but for the sake of your relationship maybe you two can meet somewhere in the middle? Say smoking is bad for your health no matter what, so maybe he can use edibles or natural vaping options like a PAX instead? Relationships are always hard, never perfect, and it takes work from both sides to make them happen. You can also make the decision to leave. It all depends on what he really means to you, and what those eight years are worth to you.
It’s just pot, let him chill. Maybe you should hit it too.
So is the weed the problem or is smoking it the problem.
With all of the access to weed now, I’m not understanding why you care. It’s relatively cheap to get now, so is he overconsuming and spending too much money? Does he change in some negative way when he’s high? Or is it just your moral standpoint that people shouldn’t smoke weed? If that’s the case maybe you just need to look within yourself and find if you ACTUALLY have an issue with it other than the negative stereotypes surrounding “stoners”.
Kinda seems like you’re just being controlling, as you list no reason why smoking weed is bad for him or your relationship besides, “I said no.” How educated are you in marijuana and its effects on people? It’s literally better for you than alcohol, is he “allowed” to drink?
Idk I don’t really feel bad for you because you’re giving the vibe of the parent that says no because “I said so”, correct me if I’m wrong.
I don’t think anyone is ever an asshole for deciding to leave a relationship if they aren’t happy. However, I do think you’re an asshole for trying to control your husband and making demands an ultimatums. Why do you care if he smokes weed if he isn’t pressuring you to smoke, isn’t smoking inside your home, and is still being a productive member of society (I would assume he works and helps around the house, if he doesn’t THAT is a valid reason to demand change).
I understand not supporting drug use, but it’s something that comes out of the ground and the worst thing that could happen is that your boyfriend will be a bit lethargic and maybe a bit forgetful… You may have to restock the pantry more often.
I guess what I am trying to ask is WHY you are so against it you would be willing to leave your husband who you apparently “love deeply”?
Totally get where you are coming from. Relationships are not as simple as “just leave” or “just stay”. Reddit can be very black and white about this stuff, but relationships (especially long-term ones) aren’t always that clean-cut. You are not wrong for feeling betrayed. It is not about the weed, it is about the dishonesty, the hiding, and how it makes you question the safety and honesty in your relationship. That kind of erosian doesn’t fix itself overnight, even if love is still there.
That said, the fact that he has acknowledged the issue and scheduled therapy is a positive sign. But one appointment doesn’t undo the months or years of broken trust. What matters is what happens after that appointment. Does he keep showing up? Does he involve you in the process? Does he stop making excuses and actually following through?
Only you know how much more you’re willing to give this. Just know that staying doesn’t make you a doormat, and leaving doesn’t mean that you gave up too soon. It is okay to take this one step at a time and see how he handles this next chapter. Especially if he finally starts doing the hard work instead of just saying the right things. You are allowed to love someone and still expect more from them.
Is his habit interfering with his ability to do things, go to work, pay his bills?
If none of these things are applicable, it just sounds like you want control.
Examine that.
NTA, but I’d suggest letting him try therapy first if you want to. People change, interests change, you can absolutely choose to not be with somebody who smokes if that change is too much for you. But it sounds like he wants to quit too, so I guess it’s up to you if you wanna stick that out
You’re over reacting. I need you to think of this logically. You say your husband is great and you don’t have any issues. So why would you leave this man for ONE thing he does wrong? People change over time and the things they need change over time. Weed grows out of the ground it’s not like he’s doing cocaine. You’ve spent 8 years together and you’re happy. Why would you throw away a perfectly good man just for smoking weed just to possibly get with a man that don’t even compare to your husband after you leave him? Have you ever even tried it? Maybe you should with him so you can see that it’s not as bad as you think. People have been brainwashed that “oh my god weed is so bad for you it’s illegal you shouldn’t do it”. Try it for yourself and form your own opinion and not just what the GOV tells you.
Weed is the trendy, socially acceptable drug thats quietly destroying lives. I think some couples counseling would be a good place to start. He may not fully understand how much this is hurting you.
I’m a big believer in twelve step programs. You could find some support and coping skills at ALANON and he could try NA or MA.
It’s not just about weed, it’s about trust, boundaries, and respect. You’ve communicated, he’s broken your trust repeatedly, and now you’re stuck between love and self-preservation. It’s okay to feel torn, especially when everything else in the relationship feels good. But lying and gaslighting chip away at even the strongest bonds.
Advice: Hold the boundary, not just the hope. If he’s truly serious about therapy, let actions speak not just words. You can support him without sacrificing your peace. If he follows through, great. If not, you’ve already done your part. You don’t owe anyone your well-being in the name of love alone.
At least it ain’t crack tho js
Honestly if he still takes care of his responsibilities and the weed doesn’t affect his daily life in any negative way who cares?
The problem is the lying and hiding. After 8 years he should trust you enough to be honest with you about anything.
Whats the reason you’re so opposed to him smoking weed? Why does it bother you so much?
Reddit is so weird about marijuana. The substance itself isn’t the issue. It’s the abuse or overuse of it that is. Married for 1 year and already wanting a divorce is kind of crazy. There are underlying issues he’s self medicating with. He probably needs some counseling on his own especially if this is new behavior. In sickness and in health. But at the core, you can’t control what people do, just your own self. If this is something he won’t change and you don’t accept, then that is incompatibility. End of your story together.
NTA
But, go with him to the therapist and start working as couple to get him off weed.
You can honestly say you attempted to save him and your marriage if it doesn’t work out. Good Luck!
Yeah you’d be the asshole. You said you love him deeply. If you really do — work with him.
Seems to me that he’s smoking to try and handle some anxiety or stress, which is why just quitting will not work. Find the underlying issues to help him. Set boundaries and allow the adult to make his choices. Ie no smoking in the house,no altered states before driving or meeting my parents. And convince him to try therapy or at least the therapist alt in chatGPT
What’s your problem with his weed?
This question is completely innocent, do not see any humor or mockery in it. THANKS.
I would like to start with the premise that if the roles were reversed, many people would be telling you he is not allowed to control you. That it is your life and you are free to do as you wish.
Here is the thing, for me this is at best an ESH, you say everything about your marriage is perfect but you have threatened divorce a few times over this is not a sign of a healthy marriage. He has lied to you about quiting not a sign of a healthy marriage but I guarantee you the fact you have threatened divorce plays a role into why he has lied. You are married a year and already playing the “i want you to change or im divorcing you” game it and he is hiding things from you. To me I would say either stop playing those games or get the divorce but it should not be used as a shield or sword to get your way. Otherwise you are just prolonging when the divorce will happen.
I think you just need to set a formal boundary and stick to it.
why is him smoking weed such a big deal to you?
is he neglecting his responsibilities? is he engaging in risky behaviors when he smokes?
Dude, get over it. He could be an alcoholic ffs
I think if he is willing to see a therapist then I would be supportive, however…I would require that he provide the therapist name, schedule of session, and contact information. Why? Because he has lied and sneaked behind your back. That broke the trust you once had. He needs to be open and honest so you guys can rebuild that trust.
To me the trust is a bigger issue. But OP at the end of the day you have to do what feels right for your marriage. If the lies and betrayal continue, walk away. I hope you guys can work it out!
It’s just weed I don’t see the problem. Is he spending all your money on it? Eating all the snacks? I can’t see leaving someone you love over something more benign than any other potential vice.
NTA
If he really wants to change, he’ll have to show that he is willing to do that, without having you there to basically mommy him during it. You can support him without physically being there, after all, if he doesn’t want to help himself, you’re not going to be able to do anything.
So personally, I’d separate for the time being, give him a timeline where he’ll need to show you that he’s made progress. Then, and only then, go to couples counseling to talk about the lying and such. You say that the weed thing is the only issue, but we see this in so many other stories: “we have a perfect relationship, except this 1 thing”, but there is often more things that have just become “normal” and you don’t think about anymore. Both big and small.
And people say that weed isn’t addictive. It is. It 100% is.
YTA. I’d pick weed over a nagging wife any day.
Drugs is a hard no for most common sense people. He will continue no matter what you say and he will get your kids to so drugs too. Just no.
YTA, there is many reasons to smoke weed, dealing with your crap is probably the main reason
It’s good he’s going to a therapist, you probably need to go as a couple too. Substance abuse is a serious personal and marital issue. The betrayal is hard to overcome. It may well be that it’s insurmountable but you owe it to yourself and your marriage to at least try.
Through thick and thin, sickness and health means nothing 💀 why even get married at this point. No significance. BE THERE FOR YOUR HUSBAND. YOU TOOK VOWS
Stop making his medication an issue. It’s medication for some people and I’m thinking he’s one of them.
NTA because he deserves someone who isn’t going to nag over medication
Well, what’s your reasons for having him stop weed? What’s the harm? It’s better than drinking, it’s relaxing. I truly believe it’s made me a better and happier person. But maybe you have some good reasons? Like it’s illegal in your area? Idk if it’s just bc you don’t “like it” and it makes you “uncomfortable” for me wouldn’t be a good enough reason to stop
Something harmless that I like. It’s not like it’s crack, heroin, or meth. It’s a plant, that’s medicinal. I know I def wouldn’t stop unless someone had a real good reason “like it’s illegal and if we get caught we could lose our kids” or “you smoke everyday and we don’t have money for necessities” kind of reason. And thankfully my husband approves and joins me (you should try it) but even if he didn’t, he wouldn’t leave me over it. That’s ridiculous for weed, without a compelling reason.
I would focus only on how this affects you. If your issue is that he’s smoking, but it doesn’t affect you in any way, I would say you should drop it. However, if it is affecting your life, that’s what you should focus on. So, for example, you might say to him “because you are stoned, you don’t have any energy. Which means that I end up having to do all of the housework. That doesn’t feel fair to me, and I need you to do your share of the housework“. So that way you’re not judging the choices he’s making, you’re letting him know how it affects you.
NTA.
Honestly, start the separation process and go live elsewhere for trial period and if he manages to get himself off it you can get back together. Don’t take his word for it, insist on drug tests.
Yeah, do him a favor
I live in a state where weed is legal and I smoke everyday. I’m 70 years old and I have been smoking since I was 15. I don’t know why you’re making such a fuss if he wants to smoke weed let him smoke weed.
Yta