Hi all!
Hoping for a little input on situation here.
I (35F) have been dating a guy (31M) for around a month. We’ve known each other as distant local acquaintances with mutual friends for ~7 years. We connected and things sparked a bit back in April, we started texting regularly, then went for dinner for the first time at the end of May. We went out for a few more ‘dates’, but things weren’t really defined at the time – there was an obvious subtext but I guess we were both being a bit shy about it. During this time we started texting each other daily, proper regular conversation including ‘how was your day?’ texts.
I was abroad for 10 days. Came back, saw him again, then we finally kissed and did the old ‘I’m into you, you’re into me, there’s definitely something going on here’ conversation just over two weeks ago.
Since then I’ve been out with him twice, proper old fashioned dating, dinner and drinks, very pure, very nice.
I’m definitely into him, there’s definitely a spark, we have a lot of mutual interests and a lot in common. He’s very mature and grounded, has his life sorted out, and everything seems like it might be okay/have potential, but there’s one thing that’s throwing me off.
Especially in the last two weeks, since we finally had that conversation and defined things, he keeps trying to come round to my house. (He’s been here a couple of times and knows where I live.)
Now, I’ll do a side note here: I’m on the autistic spectrum, which I acknowledge might be a factor in this. I live alone, work from home, and my home is my safe space. I prefer to keep my socialising compartmentalised and outside of the house. I also have an on/off style of socialising: I’m very sociable and actually love to go out and do stuff, but socialising comes with a cost for me and I need decompression time. I max out at two social occasions a week. If I have a night out (even if it’s just a quiet meal), I need a quiet day at home the next day – just myself and my usual routine. If I have a big busy weekend, I ideally need a couple of days of quiet and routine before I’m ready to deal with people again. If I’m not out and socialising, I’m usually in, doing my thing, and don’t want to Deal With People.
There’s exceptions to this: there are a few close friends and family who I can comfortably have in the ‘decompression space’, and if I’m in a long-term relationship then that person will gradually become part of my comfort zone.
But generally, I need that space, especially if I’m under stress, and I’ve told this guy that.
I’ve had a very busy couple of months and my job took me abroad at the end of June for a very busy 10 days so I’m in a state of burnout at the moment. I’ve also told him that.
Since I came home from that week+ away, I’ve seen him a few times but I’ve also tried to keep him at a distance a bit. We’re still in that very early stage of seeing each other and I’m aware that I don’t have much to give until I get my social energy back – I’ve been open about this.
He lives about 20 minutes away but works locally to me, literally 5-10 minutes drive, and over the last six weeks since our first date, he’s texted me on a couple of occasions saying “are you around today? I could drop by?” or something like “picked up a bottle of wine when I finished work and thought about asking if you wanted to share it?” (at 11pm) – and I’ve gently pushed back against that because it’s always been on days when I’ve been having a quiet day (and I am absolutely never available for anything at 11pm unless I’m already out). I’ve told him that. “Having a quiet evening, sorry.”
I won’t lie, it’s stressed me a bit, because I like to plan my socialising in advance and don’t deal well with spontaneity, so anyone saying “are you free? I could pop over in 20 minutes?” is always going to throw me a bit.
So it’s not that I haven’t wanted to see him/spend time with him, but I’ve made excuses. Hoped that he would get the impression that I was trying to maintain a bit of distance, take things slow and controlled.
Over the last week though, it’s got a bit too much.
I was working locally at an event on Saturday, all day, and replied to a few of his texts at midnight when I finally had a moment, to say “yeah, it all went well today – I’ve ended up in [a certain local pub] with friends, finally relaxing for five minutes!”
Twenty minutes later, he materialised, at my table, in said pub. He too was working locally that night apparently, and literally just headed down to said pub without giving me a heads up or asking if I was still there.
That was nice, don’t get me wrong, it was just unexpected. I didn’t even know he was in town.
The next day I was working at the same event all day and he texted me at one point to ask what I was doing for the week ahead. I replied saying I was working Wednesday and Friday and would definitely need to be quiet and alone on Monday/Tuesday to get over the weekend. I said I’d let him know the next day (Monday) – maybe we could do something on Thursday?
On Monday, he sent me a text late in the afternoon saying “thought I might swing by after work today if that’s ok?”
I said, “not today sorry, I’m knackered and need to decompress.”
He then said, “I’ll have some time to kill tomorrow afternoon if you like?”
And obviously, I said no. Because I’d already said no, because I’d already told him I was not available for seeing him (or anyone) on Monday or Tuesday.
Relationships of Reddit, is this a red flag, or am I just being super fucking autistic?
Yes, I like to plan my socialising. Yes, I don’t like the unexpected. That’s on me. But this is also someone who I’ve told about how my brain works. I’ve told them that I am extremely burnt out right now, and I really need my quiet days. In the last four days I’ve had him unexpectedly turn up in a social situation which he was not invited to (okay it’s maybe on me that I found that unnerving), but also openly ignore the fact that I’d said that Monday/Tuesday were off limits, and suggest that he could come round to my house. This was easily managed, don’t get me wrong – an excuse here, an explanation there – but it’s put me a bit on edge.
Seeing as he knows where I live, I’m lowkey concerned that one day he might literally just turn up on my doorstep without warning – and that, unless it’s a critical emergency, is for me, the most sure-fire thing you can do to get on my shitlist. Particularly if you’re expecting me to socialise with you.
Rational brain moment/critical assessment: I honestly think he’s just really into me (as do my friends). He seems like a good guy. We clearly have very different socialising styles – he’s out of the house dealing with people most days while I am on/off and need to balance time interacting with people with time alone. But I’ve explained this, and especially over the last few days when he’s ignored my expressed desire for alone time, I’m feeling a bit unnerved.
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TL;DR – I [35F] am autistic and need days alone after socialising. I try to preserve my home as a safe space and have told the guy [31M] who I’ve been dating for around a month that I need these ‘decompression days’, and generally if I’m at home for a day, I don’t want to see people. He works locally and has, multiple times, sent me a text to ask that if I’m around, he could ‘drop by’, often with short notice. I told him that two particular days were off limits and I wouldn’t want to see anyone, but he still suggested (at short notice) that he could come over to my house. He also showed up at a pub I told him I was at with friends, which I didn’t invite him to, when I didn’t know he was around, without any notice at all.
Is this a red flag, do we just have mismatched socialising styles, or am I just being a bit autistic and overwhelmed about some guy who’s really into me?
Comments
It’s a red flag. Try being real specific and explicit – “hey, I told you I was busy. You showing up means you either don’t respect what I say, have bad boundaries, or both. Go home. I’ll let you know when I want to hang out, which at this moment won’t be until _____. Don’t do this again.”
Oh, I skimmed it – I see he is ASKING to swing by with no notice.
In that case, just answer ,”no.”
There’s been some talk on two different social norms – people who ask, and expect it to be fine to be told ‘no’, and people for whom asking is offensive, and that one should wait till you are sure the answer is ‘yes’.
If the only issue is he asks when you weren’t expecting, then take it as a compliment, shut it down, and tell him that when you make plans with him for __ date, you are fine to hear from him, but last minute requests to stop by are intruding, and not making you want to see him.
It’s not you. Maybe the problem is that he isn’t understanding social cues and that’s why he doesn’t get that he’s being too much. Or maybe he’s a crazy clingy guy.
Either way, your boundaries are reasonable.