Let me start by saying my parents are alcoholics. I had a very traumatic childhood regarding my wicked awful anxiety (the kind that has doctors experimenting meds on me at 7) from a phobia called emetophobia which is the fear of vomit. Silly, I know. But it controlled my life for a long time. Still does, really. My parents never really showed me that they had a problem until the last couple years, before that there was a few nights when they treated me terribly during my panic attacks or a few nights when I had to call friends to take care of them because they were passed out on the kitchen floor. They got divorced and it got worse, as you can imagine. I have even more severe childhood trauma, and lots of issues in that department. But that’s besides the point.
All this to say, I have always had this issue in all of my relationships. I have also always been a relationship girl, which I know isn’t healthy. I don’t ever stay single for long but my relationships last a long time. (1year minimum, 8 year longest). This one is newer. When I first met her, I was on a bender (that’s dramatic I was on antidepressants and barely had to drink to black out) because I was single finally and living my life. And I would drink with her all the time. No issue. Then what was supposed to be a hookup and friendship turned into a committed relationship. Now, when she drinks, it makes me irrationally angry. Like angry enough that it makes me want to break up with her and not speak to her. It’s even worse if she does it when I’m not drinking. It doesn’t matter if she’s alone, or with friends. It’s not a trust issue. I could not tell you what it is. It doesn’t even matter if I’m with her or not with her. Seeing her drunk used to turn me on. Now if I see she’s tipsy and she tries to start something, I get so mad I want to go home. Smelling alcohol on her breath makes me want to scream at her. Seeing her take a shot makes me want to run away because I’m so mad.
It makes me upset because I actually do not know why I’m like this. My parents were alcoholics but that’s not where most of my trauma is from. I’m not afraid of her throwing up, which is where my emet usually ties in, because that would bother me w anyone else, but not her. I don’t care if other people in my life drink. It wasn’t an issue before we became exclusive. I’ve talked to her about it of course and it’s been a serious source of tension in the relationship. So much so that she brought up the idea of not drinking unless I’m drinking. But now that we’re together, I don’t WANT to drink. I don’t want her to do that bc that makes me feel controlling and I hate that feeling. I want to be normal so sometimes I encourage her to drink, but when she does, I lose it. It’s not fair, I know. And I’ve tried therapy but they say it’s trauma related. I understand that could be part of it, but it doesn’t matter, I want to fix it. She is good to me and she isn’t an angry drunk. (It’s also this way with smoking weed but not that bad). She doesn’t really drink anymore bc of it. What do I do? I feel like I’m holding her back. I even broke up w her once bc I felt guilty for being so mad and didn’t want to hold her back in her 20s. What’s wrong with me?
Tl;dr : I have alcoholic parents but they didn’t show it much when I was a kid. I get irrationally angry at my girlfriend when she drinks and I feel like I’m holding her back. I don’t know how to fix it.