I dated him for about 7 months and from the very beginning I lied about my body count and how I was moving prior to him. It has been eating me up inside and it caused me to push him away because I knew that he would have an adverse reaction. (Told him 7, actual is 20)
What made us break up was something else though; we were getting into frequent intense arguments and it was getting overwhelming for me. I pushed him out and said mean things and I hurt him. Obviously he had his faults and was way too intense with me but I recognize that I didn’t deserve him. He’s an honest man with good values. When we broke up, we stayed in contact and promised to work on ourselves so we could be better for each other.
I reflected more on myself and although I wanted to stay with him, I couldn’t let him waste more of his time without being honest. I finally told him the truth and although his reaction was valid, it still broke me.
He wants financial compensation for the time we spent together although I’m still a student with no work. I asked if I can pay him back small amounts every month and he wanted me to take out a loan or sell every valuable thing I have. He wanted me to sell my necklace that my mom got me for my birthday when she also broke her back trying to get it for me. I’m going to give him some of the expensive things that I own and pay him a small amount monthly because I do genuinely understand that I took his consent away for 7 months but it still hurt that he didn’t care if I ruined my life (when I’m just starting to pick it back up and I’m almost done school) trying to pay him back.
He did pay for most of our expenses but it’s not like we went on a lot of dates and I also paid and bent over backwards being in that relationship.
I have been truthful about other things and been super loyal during the relationship and my justification for lying was “many women lie about their body count and it shouldn’t matter if I’m being honest with everything else and treating him well”. When I told him, it obviously destroyed his image of me but I feel like he went too far. He said I was abusive and always gaslit him and he feels stupid for ever apologizing for the way he treated/talked to me. Said I was ran through and accused me of sleeping with someone I never even got involved with. Saying how I let random ugly men have access to me. He thinks I don’t deserve a good life with a good man and said I’ll probably be alone with cats when I’m 40. That anyone who will take me seriously aren’t going to be decent men. That I’ll have to settle.
I understand he’s hurt and feels betrayed but I’ve experienced so much growth that my past doesn’t define me anymore and this judgement was what I was afraid about. I had already changed my ways before I met him and I don’t plan on moving like that anymore but he said I’ll probably fuck another random tomorrow. I had my reasons for moving like that before (a lot of trauma and ending of my first and long term relationship) and although my trauma doesn’t excuse my behaviour, I’ve somewhat healed and I am a better person now. I of course didn’t argue because he has every right to view me in that light. I just feel so defeated.
I don’t know what to do or feel anymore. I do feel relieved that I told him and gave him closure. I just don’t know how to move forward.
Comments
There are plenty of people who don’t care about body count out there in the world! I think what you guys had was toxic and it’s probably best to let things lie. I would just try to take some time to focus on yourself, and working on your own self worth and accomplishing things you want to do, and let the partners come later! I think it can be easy to get into a cycle of relationships and tying your self worth to that and it’s good to try and do a dating detox
woah he took it way too far, and that actually should be seen as what a future with him would have looked like. that is who he is, that is his personality.
Remember boys, when a girl gives you the number, always multiply it by 3 to have a more accurate figure
You should understand that is not how consent works. If every ex-couple could revoke consent nearly a year in because their values don’t align, the concept would be meaningless. More importantly, you don’t owe him crap; he is an immature clown with terrible, misogynistic (and doubtlessly hypocritical) ideas about purity b.s. He’s playing you for a naive fool, & trying to shred your self esteem. He sucks.
Don’t give him anything or pay him a cent. That’s insane that he’s even asking. He just wants to punish you. He sounds awful.
Seriously, why would you pay him back? You “took his consent away”? You didn’t lie about having an STD, you lied about something that affects him in no way.
I really don’t think he’s a good guy. No good guy would treat you like this. Please don’t pay him, that’s nonsense.
I don’t understand why you would have to pay him. It doesn’t matter if he paid for things. That was his choice. You do not owe him anything. Sleeping with 7 men or 20 men shouldn’t matter. What matters is what you did during your time with him. Maybe that’s just who he is but that’s no excuse to treat you poorly. Also, next time just be honest. Although again body count shouldn’t matter. Fine a man that’s not judgmental.
The only thing to do is up that body count
In my opinion, the answer is NO. I VOTE NO TO ANY FORM OF FINANCIAL COMPENSATION. You do not owe this man financial compensation for a relationship that didn’t work out, even if you lied. You didn’t sell him a car with a fake odometer. You were a flawed human being in a messy relationship like the rest of us. And let’s be honest, if body count were a contract clause, half the population would be in debt.
Now, I’m not excusing the lie. I’ve been lied to before, and yeah, it stings. Especially when it rewrites the story you thought you were in. But here’s the thing: if your lie broke his trust, he had every right to walk away. What he doesn’t get to do is slap you with an emotional invoice and demand repayment like you ran off with his retirement savings. That’s not accountability. That’s revenge. When someone asks you to sell your mother’s gift to pay penance for hurting their ego, that’s not love or justice, that’s emotional extortion. I’ve seen people twist the knife under the guise of being “morally wounded” because they need a reason to rage. His words? That stuff about you being ran through and ending up alone? That’s verbal abuse. Not righteous anger. He’s not speaking from pain. He’s speaking from a place of cruelty. There’s a difference.
What you’re dealing with here might be a case of narcissistic injury. That is where someone feels so personally offended that they lash out to restore their sense of control or superiority. When they feel betrayed, even slightly, it activates this need to destroy the person who dared to disrupt their perfect mirror. It’s not healthy. And it’s not your job to soothe it.
I’ve grown. I’ve had a past. I’ve been reckless. I’ve been better. I’ve been judged by people who didn’t even care to ask who I was becoming. You’re not the first person to lie out of fear, and you won’t be the last to carry guilt longer than the lie itself. That’s what trauma does — it convinces you that the only way to be loved is to shrink the truth. But here’s YOUR wake-up call: healing doesn’t mean letting someone weaponize your past against you. You did wrong, you owned it, and that’s the part most people never get to. You are allowed to grow. You are allowed to move forward. And you are allowed to say no to being financially penalized for not being perfect.
Between now and dead, are you going to stay chained to guilt just because he couldn’t handle your past? Or are you going to finally love yourself enough to stop apologizing for someone you’re not anymore?