Please be kind. No need to be judgmental and rant it out.
Need some honest advice , opinion from a perspective of a well wisher or from those who has been in similar situations and understand my situation somehow.
I met him around 7 months back and for the initial month and a half I wasn’t aware about his existence. Then for some work, we both and some other people went on a trip together. Their I got to know him and I instantly felt a connection. We talked and talked and it was good. Finally I felt like I found someone with whom I can be myself, comfortable,. connect.
We came back and started spending time together. After a while I found out he has a girlfriend and plans to marry her. I tried to distance myself from him. But due to the proximity and his continuous persistence on being friends ,I couldn’t do it.
We spent more and more time together, talking, sharing things. After a few months things turned intimate too. Initially I was consoling myself that it’s nothing physical, we just talk but then things escalated.
I liked him and wanted him. So I confessed to him. While he admitted that despite being in a relationship, he likes me, and that I am amazing, the best one here in every parameter and he would have wanted to be with me. But his current situation doesn’t allow him to be so( loss of a family member, families involved in marriage talks etc etc).
I was disappointed naturally.
Now we would be apart for six weeks and I feel this is a good time for me to distance from him.
But my heart keeps wanting him despite knowing maybe it’s wrong. Maybe he isn’t that good. Maybe he isn’t good for me. That maybe this isn’t the time for me to settle down.
But I like him and I am torn. I want him to be with me. I don’t know what to do. I keep missing him.
He is great. He does care for me, guides me, wants my best. This makes it even more difficult. I am not able to get over him. I hate myself for being so week. Sometimes I wish for some miracle from god that somehow please give him to me.
Also this is the first time when a guy doesn’t want to get serious for me. It hurts frankly. He keeps saying I am the best in everything;
Looks, nature, intelligence, hair, inner self. Still he doesn’t want me. Then what’s the point of this?
My colleagues have time and again said that he seems so much into you, that you look organic, cute. That why don’t you ask him to wait for you. That you two vibe so well. That you two look so good together.
Everyone is like you are so pretty, you should date. But how do I date when he doesn’t want to be with me in romantic way?
Sometimes I get evil thoughts like telling his girlfriend or somehow breaking their relationship.
Kindly suggest me something. But please be kind.
Posting this from an alternate account as my main account might be followed by some known people.
TL;DR:
Started liking an already committed guy. Things escalated. Now I have to distance from him. But I don’t have the strength to do so. I miss him. I want him to want me, be with me
Comments
Your ‘evil thoughts’ are your desires talking. And whilst completely understandable shouldn’t be acted upon. If you were the girlfriend in this situation how would you feel about yourself?
Your colleagues aren’t helping you by feeding you what you ‘want’ to hear rather than what you ‘should’ hear. It is hurting you holding up this relationship and you need to distance yourself somewhat.
Even if he left his partner and got with you, you’d remember all the times he didn’t pick you first. It’s a tricky situation and I hope you find some peace. You deserve true love, you deserve happiness and you deserve to be someone’s everything.
Since he seems not to want to leave his committed relationship, you have some serious thinking to do.
You developed those deeper feelings for him in part because you spent so much time together, due to work. And he should have avoided allowing that to develop, because he is supposedly with someone else. He does not sound very clear and ethical in his actions.
My advice is to realize that there are many nice men. If you spend enough time and really get to know a decent guy, feelings will naturally develop. Please just be sure the person is available, and shows honesty in your interactions.
Give it time. If it were meant to be he wouldn’t be unavailable. You might also be attracted to the complexity of his unavailability. Finally, he’s a player. He’s got someone already & he is emotionally cheating on her with you – you would forever know this & have that niggling thought. You’ve plenty of time to meet a quality man who is more genuine. Good luck
If he’s able to lie to his partner and his whole family, what do you think he’d do to you if you were in a relationship? Who would he be flirting with and leading on while off on work trips? You’ll always have to wonder.
Imagine being engaged to be married to someone you think is your forever person, someone who is part of your family, someone you are planning a future with, someone who has promised to love you always, and he’s off flirting with some girl from work. How would that feel? What kind of man would do that to someone? That’s your guy
I know you said you wanted kindness, and believe me that I am trying to be kind by telling you that chasing this man is absolutely the dumbest thing you could be doing right now. He doesn’t want to leave his fiancee and be with you, and he’s proven that he’s not an honest person, so there’s nothing worthwhile there. I know crushes are hard sometimes, but you’ve got to distract yourself from this one until the feelings pass. He’s not the one.
Firstly “he is great”
He. Cheats. On. His. Girlfriend/Fiancée.
He is a charismatic POS.
“He treats me well” he uses you as a side piece but lacks the balls to commit to you.
All the reasons he gave you are just convenient for him..if he didn’t want the marriage to happen, it would not happen. If he wanted to leave his current partner for you, he would’ve already.
I used to be in your shoes. The pathetic side piece hoping for more. Sorry for being so blunt.
But it is bc you are young. He is using you for funsies.
AND OF COURSE he tells you how special your bond is as he knows you’d be gone in a second otherwise.
Cut the contact. Use the time you’re separated to sort your feelings out