My (27F) boyfriend (32M) slept with his girl best friend and I don’t know if I can continue the relationship. We have been dating for almost a year altogether. When we initially started dating I had just gotten out of a divorce and therefore still had some residual issues I was working on in therapy (anxiety, not feeling good enough, etc). Those issues became exacerbated when about 3 months into our relationship I found out my bf had previously slept with his girl best friend long before we started dating. I’ll admit I did not have a great reaction to this and did not communicate my feelings well which caused him to break up with me. We ended up talking through it, I told him I ultimately would like to be more comfortable with their friendship since she is so important to him and (best case scenario) would like to also consider her a friend. We decided to get back together. He and his girl best friend remain extremely close (however she lives out of state so their relationship is mainly texting/IG DM) and he has ensured me time and again that they are just friends and should she push for something more he would have to end their friendship because this is not what he wants. I still get uneasy thinking about the fact that he still at some point wanted her enough to have sex with her regardless of if it was a one time thing. He did admit to me that this has been an issue in past relationships. I just can’t imagine ever having sex with one of my guy friends given that our relationships are totally platonic and always have been. I am however working on my anxiety/insecurity about this in therapy. My therapist suggested when we got back together that I ask him to discuss their friendship more around me in order to make me more comfortable. I expressed this to him but he still hasn’t done it (it’s been about 6 months since we got back together and I asked him to make this change). I feel like he is probably uncomfortable talking about their friendship given my initial bad reaction so he just tries to leave it alone. Well last night (I know I shouldn’t have but I did) I saw a message pop up from her looked through their messages. He sent her posts that say “that’s not my girl best friend that’s my platonic wife”, we are currently on a trip together and he sent her a text yesterday while I was getting ready to go out to dinner that said “I miss you so so much! Can we please FaceTime tomorrow or the next day? Love you!” (He is coming back from the trip early for work so these are days he knows I won’t be around). It makes me very uncomfortable that he plans to speak with her only when I am not around and hides it from me. I don’t know how to address this with him and we have been making plans to move in together (at his behest) but this is making me extremely anxious. He has another very close girl best friend that’s he has never had a fling with and I have never felt uncomfortable about. She went out of her way to message me (she also lives out of state) and introduce herself and got to know me as a person so I consider her a friend of mine too. I am so worried I am getting myself into something here and setting myself up for a horrible heartbreak. I am so anxious I am not eating/sleeping. I love him very much and in every other way he is the perfect partner. I would like to be able to be more comfortable with this girl and just move on with our relationship but I know that may not be possible. Any advice is appreciated.
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She needs to go.
If you’re gonna sleep with your friends you need to be prepared that once in a new relationships your friendship will have to end.
You can’t go from platonic to sex to platonic, it just doesn’t happen.
Speak to him and tell him this isnt how you talk to someone you have fucked.
friends or not and if he wants to continue relationship he needs to cut her off and if he doesn’t you will both be returning from the trip single.
That’s not something I would ever do to myself. It’s just a personal preference. But that‘s a third date question and if the answer was yes I fucked my best guy friend there wouldn’t be a fourth date. You are going to feel bad every day. You want her at your wedding? Listen to your gut.
he isn’t going to let her go, she is a sure thing! you need to have self respect and let that man go. he will never be faithful to you
I have been through similar and it absolutely was a mistake to not set those boundaries and get rid of the friend early on… Caused so much trouble
Dudes got a lot of friends that are girls lol look I had a girl that was my best friends from my school age, to my 30s. We wouldn’t sign off with “I love you” all the time though. Also if we were on vacation I sure wasn’t sending “I’m missing you” texts to her as well. Lastly I sure wouldn’t do that with someone I slept with while I’m in a relationship, that’s wrong.
All I read is the title and hell no you can’t continue.
I actually have gone from friends to sex to platonic. But. I sure don’t send messages saying I really want to FaceTime because I miss you and love you. The only reason they aren’t having sex is because she put a stop to it. Guaranteed. Move on. You’re a backup plan that will be gone if she ever offers to go back to a sexual or romantic relationship.
She broke it off with him. He’s still into her.
I ghosted my ex boyfriend because of the same reason. I didn’t have the mental capacity to drawn into the drama. Not my thing.
Leave a voice activated recorder in all the places you feel he might be on the call. Once you’re back listen and decide for yourself.
By staying with him you are just prolonging your agony. He is never going to give her up willingly, and you are always going to be uncomfortable and doubtful for good reason. Those texts sound like they are from a man in love with his best friend. I’d bet money that she rejected a romantic relationship with him, but if she wanted one he would dump you in a flash.
My gf slept with my best friend before we were together, we’re still all friends and I trust them to never sleep together again. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, who cares who sleeps with who as long as you’re monogamous when you’re in a relationship.
If my BF were this level involved with any of his guy friends, it would be a problem.
You’re in a triangle. He’s balancing the emotional needs of a friend and those of a significant other.
He has poor boundaries and his “girl best friend” is orbiting, waiting for him to realize it’s been her all along.
No one talks to a girl best friend the slept with like that if there isn’t more going on! Dump him! Life is too short to let people play games with you! There are so many people out there that would not do that to you! F this guy!
Opposite sex best friend is a deal breaker. One you’ve slept with? A no brainier deal breaker. don’t pay attention to all this new age nonsense, it doesn’t hold up in real life, and when you test it, you’re the one who ends up hurt. Cut bait now.
Is this how you talk to any of your platonic friends? I am with the group that feels like once you have been intimate with someone, friendship is never going to be fully platonic again. One person always seems to want more, but is settling for friendship. The younger you are when you learn to listen to that gut instinct, the better off you will be in life. I’m glad to see with the other comments that you are getting the validation you need here. If she truly was platonic, you would be friends with her also. There would be no secrets. He wouldn’t joke about her being his “platonic wife.” You deserve way better than being someone’s for now girl until the one he wants wants him back. Do not move in with this man!
I would be extremely uncomfortable with this situation as well. You have to decide what you are comfortable with. Maybe that means she’s not in his life. Maybe that means they’re still friends, but are never allowed to hang out one on one. Then again, do you really want a relationship where you feel you need to make rules like this? Men and women are rarely ever ‘just friends’. Not saying never, but 99.9999% of the time It tends to be true. Men rarely have female friends they won’t fuck. Either they did or they want to. It’s that simple.
You haven’t been dating him very long. The fact that she’s still in his life, but she broke it off means she’s gonna carry a torch for her. Who needs that kind of competition? There’s always gonna be potential for something to happen again. I would just cut my losses and move on.
I would end this relationship. It doesn’t seem healthy for you to be involved with someone so emotionally intertwined with other women. He knows it’s a problem if it’s cost him other relationships, yet he maintains these close connections, so it’s what he wants you cant tell by his actions.
I wonder did he choose to come back from work early or had to return early? I think he will spend the rest of the vacation at home working and hooking up with his bff.
That’s alot of text for a question most people wouldn’t even post about.
Holy paragraph goodness ok here we go. He slept with her long before you came around and that’s the only time correct? Assuming it is and based on the other evidence provided this guy isn’t necessarily doing anything wrong. With that said he does know it makes you uncomfortable, so now he’s trying to schedule his friendship time to avoid you completely, thus the scheduled FaceTime thing and this is not wrong but it’s poor taste.
You need to set very clear boundaries/expectations for him and this friendship. He’s clearly not willing to lose the friendship considering that he’s already chosen the friendship over your relationship once. You need to set the boundaries regardless and be prepared to lose him if he can’t/won’t compromise.
You know what you need to do- he needs to go. He’s got feelings for her.
Speaking as a woman with male best friends, I feel like this crosses a line. It really doesn’t matter if they aren’t sleeping together anymore, there is clearly something there where he is prioritizing her as if he’s still involved with her. It feels like maybe she ended the relationship and he’s still very much into her? Or the other way around? In any case, I would not be okay with this. I am very clear to people I date that I will not give up my male best friends, but also we aren’t facetiming while on vacation with our partners? Or sending “I love you, I miss you” texts? Or prioritizng them over my romantic partners? What they are doing crosses lines IMO.
The differences you feel between this woman and his other female friend is not in your head. You feel comfortable with one friend because she’s not crossing any lines, and you are feeling uncomfortable with this one best friend because she is crossing a line and not making any efforts to be your friend separately as well.
The thing is, you can’t do anything about it. If you speak up, YOU are painted as the insecure crazy one. You can’t ask them to back off and be more respectful because it will turn into you “attacking” their friendship because you are insecure. Even though you’re only asking for respect. The thing I wish I knew at your age is that you shouldn’t have to ASK for respect. You know? This is it, you are being shown right in front of you that you are not as important to him, you will never be the priority, and you are not respected in this relationship as his partner.
Anyway, this isn’t ever going to change. It’s just not. You aren’t going to talk sense into him. She’s not going to back off voluntarily. This is how it is, and how it will always be. You have to decide if you want to be 2nd best to this other woman for however long he stays with you, or walk away and demand better for yourself. It should be the 2nd one. Good luck.
Look you’ve been divorced. You have seen already that something’s help relationships work some things cause underlying issues in relationships that make them break later on. You’ve asked for transparency and he isn’t giving it to you. You’ve given him 6 months to get it together and make an effort to make you comfortable. He hasn’t. There isn’t more to discuss. It’s time to walk away. If he was putting in effort and meeting you in the middle this would be different. He’s not. He’s hiding his interactions with her. That’s inappropriate. Walk away.