My husband (31M) and I (27F) have a close group of friends, and one of his longtime friends, I’ll call him Jack has been making me uncomfortable.
I’ve always been friendly to him. We share lots of interests, and I’ve tried to be kind and empathetic, especially since he’s shared very personal things about his difficult past. But lately his behaviour has felt off and I want to be clear, I’m not interested in him at all. I see him as a personal friend but nothing more than that.
He asks my husband about me constantly, when it’s just the two of them hanging out, stares intensely, touches my hair or waist in ways that feel way too familiar and makes weird flirty comments but always masks them as jokes.
One time he asked me to play chess at a gathering. When another friend stepped in and playfully said he’d take my spot, Jack got visibly annoyed. Later he made really nasty, borderline racist comments about that friend behind his back. It absolutely shocked me.
Another time he asked me to make a dessert I’m known for. I mentioned that one of our (female) friends wondered if he was serious or teasing. He responded with, “Does she want her hair to burn?” Like what??? And then trashed her baking. He would never say that to her face and it’s absolutely not true. It felt like he was trying to make me feel singled out or “special” which I don’t want at all especially at the expanse of our friends.
He once said I chose my husband because he’s the “alpha” of the group (I met them both at the same time), which was just… weird. And after a fight between me and my husband (that Jack saw), he told me my husband was manipulative and trying to wear me down emotionally. Like that’s his supposed best friend?
There’s also this pattern, Jack has a history of sleeping with multiple of his friends’ exes, some of which are close to people in our friends group. He often brags about girls flirting with him while their boyfriends are around and jokes about “stealing” other guys’ girlfriends. It’s starting to feel like he likes pushing boundaries just to see how far he can go.
My husband has started pulling away from him lately. I’ve been keeping my distance, but I guess I have a problem with setting boundaries and since we’re in the same friend group I don’t want to make things messy. Any advice on how to set boundaries without causing drama?
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I think Jack wants to sleep with you, keep keeping your distance. Don’t let him touch your hair etc. Find new group of friends so you can cut him off.
Tell your husband so he can whoop his supposed “best friends ass”
Oh man! Red Flag! This guy sounds insufferable. Stocking may be a concern in the future.
It’s not going to be easy. But you’ve gotta put a stop to his behaviour. Stand up for your friends when he makes disgusting comments like that. When he makes moves on you make it known loudly so everyone can hear how you don’t want his advances.
Keep your husband close when he is around.
I would have a quiet and personal conversation with him where I gently and politely explained that while I’m flattered with the attention, I am married and that’s not going to change. Don’t be surprised if he lashes out. It’s embarrassing for him to hear and he may be trying to save face.After directly confronting him, things should straighten out although he may not want to be around you or your husband, but it doesn’t sound like that’s a great loss.
If you do not put firm boundaries, you encourage him to be disrespectful.
Jack’s the one causing the drama here. He doesn’t need to get weird about other people interacting with you. He doesn’t need to be touching you without permission. He doesn’t need to be torching friend groups because he can’t keep his dick in his pants.
So just call him out: “Jack, that’s weird. I don’t like it. Back off.” Or tell your husband, “Honey, Jack’s being weird again” and let him handle it. Or ask the friend group why they keep Jack around given all the weirdness and drama and be clear you’d like to reduce that in your life going forward. If Jack’s not happy about no longer being able to get away with being creepy without you pushing back, that’s his problem.
I wouldn’t be alone with this man nor drink alcohol with him present. He’s constantly breaking boundaries and being over touchy with you.
It sounds like he’s just waiting for you to let your guard down and make a move.
If he’s acting like this already, I doubt it matters to him if you’re married to his friend or not.
I think your husband is wise to start pulling away from his friendship with Jack, and you should do the same.
Don’t do anything with him outside the larger group activities, where you can easily avoid spending much one-on-one time with him. No more chess games! If he asks to come over to hang out, or invites you over to his place, always be busy.
Most importantly, do NOT let Jack touch you anymore. Your instincts are correct: he’s testing you, to see how much you’re willing to tolerate before you push him away, just like he does with the other guys’ GFs. You won’t make things awkward in your friend group by moving away quickly if he tries to touch you, and telling him directly that you’re not comfortable with ANY physical contact beyond a quick hug hello and goodbye. If he questions why you allowed it before, tell him you tried using negative body language but he missed the cues, so now you’re using your words!