My wife and I have 3 kids in a private, Catholic school. They just completed 2nd grade, 1st grade and Pre-K. This is our 4th year at this school. Every year we’ve given $1k to the teachers(and any aides) for Christmas, and another $1k at the end of the school year.
This was the first time we upped the denominations to $1,500 for each, at a total cost of $12,000(Pre-K has an aide. 4 women, 2 separate gifts each). Additionally, the teachers all have classroom Wish Lists where they can purchase above and beyond teaching items or replacement STEM items, etc. The school tuition is very reasonable, under $10k each, despite being located in a high income, high home value area. What we’ve always done is when the Wish Lists come out, we’ll wait a few weeks, as to not steam roll everyone else who would also like to contribute, and then whatever has not been purchased, we’ll buy the remainder.
We don’t do this for credit or accolades as no other parents are aware of our gifts denominations and the Wish Lists are anonymous to everyone but the teachers. My wife and I very, very fortunate. We both do very well and both hold specific teachers we’ve had in our past in very high regard.
So about a week ago, we’re having a 4th of July party at my brother’s house and his wife brings up the very nice Thank You note she received for the $100 check she wrote to their son’s teacher. She asked us all what we normally give for these gifts. At first we replied “we also give money” to try to leave it there but she and others were asking the specific amount. After some prying, we eventually told them how much. My SIL exploded on us. She could not believe we were gifting that much. Told us this was highly inappropriate and basically was us purchasing good favor and good will, both with current and future teachers. She said without question this is being discussed in their lounge/lunchroom. Not only is it creating division between our teachers and the teachers who don’t have our kids, but it’s also unfair to any child who may not be graded quite as favorably. Others at the table were more polite but agreed this will definitely lead to some sort of special treatment, whether obvious or subtle.
I disagree with this wholeheartedly. In our opinion, society dramatically underpays teachers. With the responsibility of a child’s future on the line and all they deal with, there shouldn’t be a teacher on the planet making less than $100k, but that’s not life unfortunately.
I politely told her “this is exactly why we tried not to answer you all wanting specific amounts. First, its not your business, and second, we don’t care if you approve of it or not.”
It did get me thinking though. So here I am. While I’m aware some may view the amount as excessive, are we assholes for gifting that much? If the consensus is yes, my wife and I will have a real conversation about reducing the gift amounts down next year.
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My wife and I have 3 kids in a private, Catholic school. They just completed 2nd grade, 1st grade and Pre-K. This is our 4th year at this school. Every year we’ve given $1k to the teachers(and any aides) for Christmas, and another $1k at the end of the school year.
This was the first time we upped the denominations to $1,500 for each, at a total cost of $12,000(Pre-K has an aide. 4 women, 2 separate gifts each). Additionally, the teachers all have classroom Wish Lists where they can purchase above and beyond teaching items or replacement STEM items, etc. The school tuition is very reasonable, under $10k each, despite being located in a high income, high home value area. What we’ve always done is when the Wish Lists come out, we’ll wait a few weeks, as to not steam roll everyone else who would also like to contribute, and then whatever has not been purchased, we’ll buy the remainder.
We don’t do this for credit or accolades as no other parents are aware of our gifts denominations and the Wish Lists are anonymous to everyone but the teachers. My wife and I very, very fortunate. We both do very well and both hold specific teachers we’ve had in our past in very high regard.
So about a week ago, we’re having a 4th of July party at my brother’s house and his wife brings up the very nice Thank You note she received for the $100 check she wrote to their son’s teacher. She asked us all what we normally give for these gifts. At first we replied “we also give money” to try to leave it there but she and others were asking the specific amount. After some prying, we eventually told them how much. My SIL exploded on us. She could not believe we were gifting that much. Told us this was highly inappropriate and basically was us purchasing good favor and good will, both with current and future teachers. She said without question this is being discussed in their lounge/lunchroom. Not only is it creating division between our teachers and the teachers who don’t have our kids, but it’s also unfair to any child who may not be graded quite as favorably. Others at the table were more polite but agreed this will definitely lead to some sort of special treatment, whether obvious or subtle.
I disagree with this wholeheartedly. In our opinion, society dramatically underpays teachers. With the responsibility of a child’s future on the line and all they deal with, there shouldn’t be a teacher on the planet making less than $100k, but that’s not life unfortunately.
I politely told her “this is exactly why we tried not to answer you all wanting specific amounts. First, its not your business, and second, we don’t care if you approve of it or not.”
It did get me thinking though. So here I am. While I’m aware some may view the amount as excessive, are we assholes for gifting that much? If the consensus is yes, my wife and I will have a real conversation about reducing the gift amounts down next year.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
So I mean they’re not wrong, it could definitely build goodwill but also a bias towards your kids. But who cares? Teachers go through enough shit anyway, that money is being used for CHILDREN. NTA at all
NTA. Your money, your generosity, you’re supporting a profession that is criminally underpaid. Enough said.
I would have no idea what, if any, ‘cap’ there might be on tips/gifts for teachers. We (in Canada) typically give gifts/classroom supply gift cards for teachers, usually more in earlier grades as supplies are nuts. (50$ for homeroom teachers) then just gifts to certain teachers 50-100 till the end of high school. That’s it.
Wonder what school boards have to say about extraordinarily large ‘tips’ for a job well done.
NTA. Sounds like someone’s mad they got severely one-upped. SIL thought she was special for giving $100 and wanted to flex on everyone and then got completely embarrassed by your much better gift. Everyone agreeing with her also is miserly with their gifts to the teachers. Maybe if they were better people (it sounds like you all live in the same neighborhood and probably make around the same money) they would smarten up and gift money to the teachers instead of surely wasting it on tchotchkes.
This would not be permitted at my school. Token gifts only. If you want to give to the school or even the teachers there are avenues to do so.
It’s all relative. For many a $100 gift is both inaccessible and considered unreasonably high. Does it make you an asshole? Only if you’re expecting something in return.
How does SIL know this is being talked about in the teachers’ lounge? Is she assuming?
How you give away your money is up to you. Does SIL have a point that it may influence how your kids are treated? Yup. Doesn’t really change anything unless you are asking for favors, but it doesn’t sound like you are. NTA
>Told us this was highly inappropriate and basically was us purchasing good favor and good will, both with current and future teachers. She said without question this is being discussed in their lounge/lunchroom. Not only is it creating division between our teachers and the teachers who don’t have our kids, but it’s also unfair to any child who may not be graded quite as favorably.
This is an admission by your sister-in-law. She outlined why she was “gifting” the teacher $100. She’s just upset that her bribe is not going as far as she thought it would. NTA.
This kind of stuff is exactly why the school my mum worked at put a £50 limit on teachers gifts and made all wishlist gifts come through the main office where they were shared with the entire school and not one class having more than others
I don’t think you are TA for gifting it, but it does put teachers in a difficult place if they have an issue with the child/parent and I can see the SIL/school POV on the situation
I N F O: what is the teacher-gift policy for your school?
Edit ✍🏻 You could be setting yourself (and the teachers!) up for a huge fallout. You should look into that. This isn’t some hush-hush Xmas gift to the mailman, you’re dropping $12k annually. Words going to get out and teachers will eventually fight over and covet your children as their students. Huge conflicts of interest are bound to surface when one not so selfless teacher enters the picture. I think the idea is sincere and philanthropic, but there wasn’t enough thought put into real world consequences and for that, YTA
YTA. I think it’s inappropriate and does sew division. If you want to donate money to the school, to the PTO, to unions, to teacher’s wish lists, or to support teacher appreciation week, I think that’s much more appropriate.
Teachers talk. You are putting everyone in an awkward situation. If they do something nice for your children, there’s the underlying belief that you’re paying them off. If they need to discipline your children, they may feel hesitant because you’re lording this money over them.
I’m actually surprised an administrator hasn’t contacted you to tell you this is extremely inappropriate.
Many schools have ethics rules in place. I suggest you speak to the administration of the school your kids are enrolled at to see if there are any rules for/against large monetary gifts directly to the teachers. As a retired teacher, I would have appreciated the gift. However, the school system I taught in would not have allowed me to accept a gift that large. And while teachers do talk, many do not usually disclose monetary gifts to each other
NTA.
> but it’s also unfair to any child who may not be graded quite as favorably
found the assholes. Your SIL is admitting she can be bribed and somehow YOUR the asshole?? Naw
I guess private schools are run different, because that kind of money would be a huge ethical violation at a public school.
NTA
it’s your money, you earned it and you can give where you want. If inappropriate it would be refunded to you or a letter that it might be more well spent on the school in general.
I do think you should find a nice way to say mind your business and not share financial matters or gifts.
I commend you for your generosity. In my very high income area, donations to teachers are much more in line with your SIL’s donation than yours, and some families do not contribute. I feel like gifting large sums leads to schools not taking responsibility for paying teachers their worth. I would dial back the gifts and advocate for your teachers in other ways.
>are we assholes for gifting that much?
NTA – Not only are you not an asshole, but you will most likely go down in local teacher lore as the greatest parents that any of those teachers ever had. Teachers make fuck all, and they greatly appreciate things like a $20 gift card. $1500!?!?!? You just made those teacher’s entire years. Too many people have money and horde it, or spend it on themselves on nonsense. You are spending it on making the people who spend almost as much time with your kids as you (if not more) feel actually appreciated.
Keep it up as long as it is financially viable for you.
How unusual. Most private schools specifically forbid monetary gifts to teachers.
NTA. It is your money after all.
I’m surprised that the school allows it specifically for the reasons your SIL cited. I think the cap for gifts of any sort by me is $25, so its surprising to hear that there are places that allows for such large gifts.
Least in my state u can’t give teacher more then 25$
ESH From a European perspective. Like… 100 or 1000 This is literally a bribe, not a “thank you” amount.
NTA. It’s your money to use/gift as you want.
The sister gave $100. what makes her gift appropriate and yours inappropriate? Was there some hundred dollar rule? She contributed a lot more than say a $10 gift. Was she buying special treatment with her additional $90? Who’s to say?
I’m betting that the teachers really appreciate that extra money. If you have it to give, you ought to. You just made her feel less generous by comparison. If the school thought it was causing problems, they would set gift-giving limits for individual teachers.
MYA. If you have it directly to the school, that would buy you more favor from the administration. That’s how private schools work. You put the money to better use.
Teachers in my area (public school) make $75-95 k a year so a $1k gift is a bit much IMHO
While I support your generosity, this is a conflict of interest for the teachers and anything this substantial should have been given anonymously or to the school as a whole, and I’m guessing the school administration isn’t aware of the size of your past gifts even if the teachers are.
If you aren’t willing to donate anonymously, then you should evaluate what you think you are getting out of the teacher knowing about your past gifts and your gifting pattern, and perhaps that your SIL is exactly correct. you might be the asshole.
In some districts you may not stand out as unusually generous, but I don’t think you are in one of those districts.
NAH. As a teacher myself, I totally agree that teachers are criminally underpaid and undervalued. However…the staggering amount of your gifts could create resentment and could be viewed as bribes.
If you are sincere in wanting to make sure that the teachers in your kids’ school get all the supplies and equipment they need, then you have a few good options: (1) Make a large donation to the school for the purpose of supporting ALL the teachers; (2) Organize a fund-raising drive among all the parents; (3) Directly donate supplies and equipment to the school, etc.
Whatever you do, do NOT discuss money with friends and family.
NTA, and I wouldn’t have told the SIL the amounts no matter how hard she pressed. “That’s private” and that should be the end of it. You’re 100% correct that teachers are woefully underpaid and under-equipped.
If the school contacts you through official channels due to a policy violation, I’m sure they would be happy to work out a method that would let you continue to be a benefactor to the student population at large without violating their policy.
What happened to just an apple?
Your money, your kids, spend it any way you want. To the naysayers… jealousy is an ugly face.
Gifting teachers stuff is 100% tipping culture with extra steps. It should be illegal for all the reasons your family brought up, and teachers should just be paid properly.
NTA because I believe you are truly doing this in appreciation of the teachers. As a teacher, I thank you for caring so much. I disagree with your sil getting so worked up about it, but she does have some valid points. Most schools have a limit on what a teacher may accept.
Never discuss money with others.
NTA but if you wanted to be more fair I guess you could give to all the teachers, or all the teachers in your kids grades or the whole school. But tbh good on you the teachers do deserve more.
As for the wish lists that’s exactly what they’re for. Anyone can contribute
NTA
Completely unrelated, do you need a dog walker or pet sitter? 😀
NTA it’s a private school so you can give whatever you like. It’s a very large amount of money to gift the teacher but you can do it if you like. Don’t use the money to influence the teacher’s treatment of your kid and you’re good.
YTA. As a teacher, I think you’re in the wrong, but you’re not an “asshole”. Your intentions are generous. However, most public school employees are legally not able to accept gifts over a certain value, because it leads to the appearance of buying favor or good treatment for certain students (even if the teacher doesn’t actually favor those kids). You should look into the rules for your private school in your state. Either way, receiving a cash gift at all would make me super uncomfortable because it does feel like a bribe. Simply sending a gift card to a local business, sending a heartfelt handwritten note from your kid, or reaching out to school admin to donate needed supplies are gifts that will likely have a big positive impact without the appearance of favoritism. Most importantly make sure the kids you send to school are kind and helpful, which is the best way to make teachers feel supported.
YTA, I can tell you that this would be an ethics violation where I am. I also personally would not accept that much money from a parent. If this is a known thing about you in that community, I find it hard to believe your children don’t receive special treatment.
In our school district, teachers and staff can’t accept more than $50 from a single family. Families can club together to give a bigger gift as long as it averages $50 or less per family. You might want to check if your school has parameters. During the school year, this level of monetary gift could be seen the way your SIL is interpreting it.
One way you could potentially gift more is if your kids change teachers each year; then at the end of the school year, AFTER grades come out you could be more generous.
I am a teacher in a private school and i got 20€ giftcard from all my 2nd graders families. I WISH i got that much. Give away as much as you want, if you can, the teachers will love it and if they discuss, it is positively. Also, it makes no difference in our work life, we will teach all kids as equals, but it makes difference in our motivation, makes us feel seen and our work acknowledged
NTA, and good on you for giving generously towards education. NOW, here’s the best advice I can give you: DO NOT SHARE FINANCIAL INFORMATION WITH YOUR FAMILY!!!! They will always think that your kids get special treatment because of your financial contributions to the school, teachers, and aides. There will be snide comments towards your kid’s achievements and grades. They could be perfect 4.0 students their entire academic career, but all your family will think/believe is that it was bought.
Best of luck, OP.
NTA – your sister-in-law‘s is projecting, created in her head.
She was happy to share how much she doled out because she thought that her $100 entitled her to everything you are accused of you, and she is pissed off that her efforts might be being out done.
Trading nine of her business. I frankly admire what you’re doing. As somebody who has many family members who work in education, buying the items on that wishlist and truly invaluable for all of the students in the room. Especially because so many teachers and their salary on items for their classroom at their own cost.
NTA. But you must be fucking loaded if your shelling out this much for teachers’ gifts.
YTA It sounds like you’re truly doing this out of gratitude to the teachers, which is awesome. So many parents take the teachers and staff for granted or worse… blame them for things beyond their control. So kudos to you for trying to make their lives a little better.
But… Gifting them that amount of money can easily be seen as buying favoritism. You might never ask for a favor but its going to be on their minds whenever dealing with your kids.
Keep helping by buying the supplies but tone down the gifts.
Just here to say I can teach your children music if you’re in the market 🥲
ESH. What your SIL is complaining about is that she’s upset that her attempt to buy goodwill and influence is being overshadowed by yours. But get this disingenuous nonsense about underpaid teachers out of here. You are 100% trying to buy your kids special treatment, unless you give $100 in your own name and the remaining $11,900 anonymously. THAT would be you trying to help out underpaid teachers.
Really what you should be doing is talking to all the other parents at your school and agreeing on a set amount to give. The PTA or it’s equivalent should see what the total Wish List cost is, solicit money from the parents, and then give it in bulk to the teachers to buy whatever they need.
NTA, you’re never wrong on being generous when you are able. It seems to me like there was definitely not any strings attached, no ill intent. Just being generous. If other teachers are jealous, well that’s on them. Why wouldn’t you want your colleagues getting an amazing thank you from a parent that wants to just show gratitude for your unpaid, under valued profession? And buying the whole wish list, after seeing what others want to give first…that’s awesome.
NTA, it is a significant sum of money, but it’s up to you. If education staff are uncomfortable with that gift, then they can decline.
You may want to tighten your account settings, you’re going to get some messages asking for money after this post.
there are ethics rules in place because of people like you. 9 times out of 10 parents like this turn around and scream “i gave the teachers thousands i expect my kids to be treated special” and will fuck with the school dynamics. won’t say TA or NTA but you’re the reason they have to rewrite policies to not create certain hierarchies for kids and teachers
also they have to pay taxes on gifts that high so you basically gave them a higher declaration to pay off. that sucks for teachers. maybe don’t do that again
Not the asshole at ALL.
you were doing exactly what i say rich people should be doing! which is supporting your local communities instead of hoarding all your wealth! if you have too much to even use it on yourself, donate to local schools, etc., especially the school your own child is in!’
Oh no the facility is gonna like you and treat your child better because you’re actually helping support them and allowing them to give all the students better schooling…. oh no how tragic….
As long as you’re not lording it over their head and making it so your son can never face consequences if he acts out or slacks off in school, you were doing the right thing.
It’s not my place to tell you how to spend your money, and it isn’t your SIL’s either. If I were a teacher who’d received that much, I wouldn’t tell a soul, lest they respond like your SIL, who is apparently a jealous brat. NTA but seriously I’d never discuss money with the woman again.
First, and most important, it’s not excessive if you can afford it and if you do it in private. I wish I could be so generous. As a former teacher, I thank you.
Second, this is one of the few times in life that it’s okay to lie. She wasn’t going to accept your evasive answers, and even though the number was none of her gol-durn fracking business, she wasn’t going to let go of that bone until you gave her a number. You could have just lied and told her a smaller number.
Third, who set her up as a judge and authority on what’s “reasonable” or “unreasonable”? Your opinion is a valid as hers, and maybe more so, cuz it’s your money.
And finally, what was her end game? Was she looking for a fight, any way she could get it? Was she trying to show how much more virtuous she was than you, because (she thought) she gave more money than you did? Or was she trying to set herself up as a leader, and you as a follower? I think she was mad at you because you foiled her dastardly plan.
NTA
ETA: If this was another AI post, then the AIs are getting better. This one was actually believable.
Teacher here. I’m going to tentatively go with NAH. Yes, it is your money to do with as you please and while I doubt the teachers will talk amongst themselves about this gift, the parents absolutely will. I would not put it past the SIL to mention it to another parent which can cause a huge problem for those teachers who received your gifts. All it takes is one crazy parent to accuse one of these teachers of favoring your child over theirs or uttering the word “bribe.”
Why didn’t you just lie about the amount? You clearly knew that this isn’t the norm.
She’s jealous that she can’t afford to give that much. As an educator, I am sure that your gifts were appreciated!
ESH.
My kids all went to public school and all I gave for the holidays was homemade cookies. Maybe people would do a coffee gift card. I never saw an official policy on monetary gifts HOWEVER when my mom passed I wrote a check to the school librarian for $2500 as a donation as my mom was also a teacher and loved reading. She thanked me profusely but it had to go through the school board and be voted on. I also made donations to the music departments as scholarships so students could travel for concerts- same process. They don’t want anyone to think you’re buying favoritism.
Also people keep talking about how poorly teachers are paid but in our district it was rare to see a teacher make under 100k. Then they would get extra money for every program they ran- like if they did a club they got additional salary for that. At least where I’m from there were a lot fewer qualifications for private school teachers so they often didn’t male as much. Public school teachers needed a bachelor’s at a minimum and usually a master’s at most levels. Public school teaching positions were extremely competitive.
Your sister’s not wrong. Beyond a certain monetary gesture amount, a gift becomes a bribe.
Your story is no different from a student gifting their professor $5000 and then giving some high speeches about how professors don’t get paid enough. $1500 is a bribe, a $100 gift is a thank you gift. Just because you are wealthy doesn’t change the equation of gift vs bribe.
And TONS of bribes are disguised as expensive gifts. Most companies literally have specific rules on this – that any “gift” they receive with a monetary value higher than $25 or $50 or $100 is not allowed.
Also why vendors would take their clients to expensive steak dinners and box seats at sport games. Because they KNOW they’re not giving a gift because the client is not getting paid enough. They are bribing their client to be in their good books and so they have some leverage over the client.
You’re bribing your teachers. Period. Don’t sugarcoat it.
> First, its not your business, and second, we don’t care if you approve of it or not.
This is the correct answer.
Gifting at the end of the year, absolutely amazing. Gifting before the school year begins could be interpreted in a different light.
Teachers are very underpaid so perhaps make the year end gifts more?
This entire spat is out of my tax bracket but she is jealous she doesnt have parents also cutting her 1k checks and thats all. NTA
NTA and I doubt the teachers tell anyone that they get those gifts from you. it is really kind & shows how much you appreciate teachers despite it being an often thankless profession. They care for your child, teach your child, it makes sense to want to show them appreciation. Yes, it may mean they give some extra time to your child, but teachers always have students they give extra time to because they need extra help or because they just like them. They’re human!
NTA, but you can’t seriously believe a huge contribution isnt causing conscious or subconscious favoritism towards your kids. The reality is some people have more and can afford to do these kinds of things, but don’t pretend like you’re not also buying their favor.
I gave the teachers a roll of quarters for parking meters.
It’s definitely building bias towards your kids and probably give them some better goodwill, but who cares. If you can give your kids a leg up in school and help a teacher out, sounds like a win win to me.
This is a massive conflict of interest for the teachers; I could be fired for accepting a gift over $25.
Your motives may be pure, but I highly suspect this is against the school’s professional code of ethics, and your placing under-compensated teachers between a rock and a hard place.
If you’re giving them money out of the goodness of your heart, NTA.
If you expect your kids to pass because you give money, you’re definitely in the wrong.
Ultimately your oldest is going into 3rd grade… they don’t hold third graders back in most states anymore
NTA ! this is very generous, and you seem very tactful about it.
Other people who are worried about favoritism are admitting that maybe they, themselves, can be swayed. I doubt the teachers are strongly altering their behaviour, especially for FIRST AND SECOND GRADERS, and even if they were that would not be your fault. But again, these are little kids – it’s not as if you’re bribing recommendation letters out of teachers right before college to make up for underperformance.
And I’m positive if you asked the teachers they’d be nothing but grateful.
Teachers at our school would not be allowed to accept a gift of that value. I’m surprised your school allows it.
NTA I work in a private preschool, and am honestly thrilled to receive a gift card or cash. I work super hard, and no matter what is going on in my life, I show up for my kids, all day, everyday. I know those teachers are so appreciative and probably she’d some tears over it. I also, personally, would never discuss this with other teachers, because the things your sister in law said are somewhat true, that it can cause divisions. So you keep that to yourself. The last preschool I worked at I received a $5000 bonus every year, while every one else only got $1000, but I ran the whole place. But I let them believe I got $1000 for unity, even though they were all two faced any way! It just made life easier.
Man, if you can afford that kind of extravagent giving, good on you. Not your SIL’s business. AT ALL.
This is an amount that does feel inappropriate to gift directly. This is a chunk of the teacher’s salary and can’t help but change the way the teacher’s view your children.
It’s great to give the money. the appropriate way to provide the funds would be anonomously. The teachers get their bonus, but it isn’t tied to that kid.
NTA. SIL got upset because you upstaged her. She was bragging about donating $100 and receiving a thank-you card. She probably thought you nowhere near matched her generosity. She FA and FO. She pressed and pried until you answered her. Her measly gift didn’t compare so she had to explode. If the teachers are discussing your generosity, then that’s on them. You aren’t bragging about it.
I politely told her “this is exactly why we tried not to answer you all wanting specific amounts. First, its not your business, and second, we don’t care if you approve of it or not.”
You gave her the perfect reply.
NTA from an American perspective. I have friends who are (underpaid) teachers. Virtually all of them pull from their own pockets to decorate their classrooms, provide free supplies to students, pay for pizza parties, etc. Their classrooms are over capacity and they spend a hell of a lot of personal time on their students and jobs outside of work. I know they’d be over the moon with a gift like that and it would absolutely decrease the financial stresses in their life.
People denouncing this, especially European perspectives discussing tipping culture, need to understand that righteousness and reality don’t often coincide concerning the American economic system. Should underpaid employees in various sectors be making more? Obviously. But the only person dealing with the ramifications of “don’t tip, their job should just pay more” are the people lowest on the proverbial ladder. You aren’t shafting the people writing up the salaries and hourly rates, your “taking a stand” only ultimately affects the one not getting paid enough.
Now I don’t know if you could get away with this sort of thing when your kids are high school aged, if only because you could be accused by people like SIL of buying grades, but there’s essentially no tangible way for an elementary schooler to benefit from “bribery”. It isn’t like colleges look at elementary school transcripts.
So you’re not giving cahs gifts, you’re buy long extra classroom supplies and materials?
Good for you. If there was an ethics issue the school would be intervening, as most organisations limit gifts to like $50. NTA
I don’t think you quite understood your SIL argument, thought I also think I might disagree with your SIL’s solution.
First, I entirely agree with you that teachers are underpaid. I would also add that schools are under-resourced. (Though full disclosure – I’m an education professional.)
So there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to contribute to closing that shortfall. The problem is that the size of your gift, and the fact that it’s to individual teachers, creates some significant disparities among the teachers and the classes. If you believe that teachers are underpaid, you would certainly agree that your SIL’s son’s teacher is no less deserving than your child’s teacher. And yet they’re getting $1400 more. As your SIL implies, this creates some weird power dynamics that cause issues even if well intended.
But your SIL is also wrong to think that the solution is to bring your gifts down to a comparable level. If you feel you are in a position more, I don’t think you should be stopped. But the details of the gifts can be adjusted. You should talk to the school. Tell them you want to contribute according to your ability, but that you want to do it in an appropriate, equitable way. You can certainly have your priorities, such as it having a direct impact on teachers, rather than going to a general fund. They’ll be happy to work with you on this.
NTA. My parents used to buy all of the classes at a local school one town over new supplies/fridges/etc. they were an impoverished neighborhood and my folks just wanted to help. I get where your heart is
Most workplaces have a policy on what can / cannot be accepted as a gift from a customer or supplier to prevent bribery and corruption. I see no reason why teaching should be any different.
NTA.
Former public school teacher here. While any gift is so appreciated, I was not ever judging any child, based on a gift received. Homemade card? Amazing! Gift card? Also awesome. Anyone who thinks so poorly of teachers that we are judging students and family based on income and generosity does not understand why people go into that career in the first place. It’s an insult to teachers everywhere to suggest we would give more preferential treatment to students whose families give better gifts. It is a ridiculous comment, if you ask me, made by someone who likely has a poor opinion of teachers.
While I never received a gift so large, I think what you did is so generous and thoughtful. Being a single teacher, making a small income, in a rural town, was difficult. I worked a second job, the whole time I taught, just to keep a roof above my head, pay for the Masters Degree required to get hired into that position, and pay excessive medical bills (due to terrible health insurance and benefits provided), without any frivolous spending at all. Being a teacher is hard, and I agree that the majority are underpaid. This is why so many of us walked away, even though we loved working with the students.
Bottom line: it is not anyone else’s business what you gift. Don’t feel bad for being generous and showing appreciate in your way. If people are commenting on your generosity, then it is most likely out of guilt or jealousy. Their emotions and opinions about this are not relevant. They just want to be judgmental. Don’t change what you decide to do, based on peer pressure. Any good teacher would tell you (and your children) that.
Also, tell them next time they ask that it’s not their business, but that you’re sure any gift they choose to give will be appreciate by the teacher, even if it’s homemade by the child.
I’m going with NTA as long as you’re responsible parents when it comes to your children’s misbehavior and homework.
NTA.
I teach in a Catholic school and can attest to the fact that even in very affluent areas like mine, these teachers are even more drastically underpaid than their public school counterparts. It’s a generous gift, and I am sure it is very much appreciated.
NTA.
You’re probably getting this reaction because your relatives can’t imagine spending almost $40K+ on school fees each year, with $12K of that being discretionary gifts. For the vast majority of people, this is massive, life-changing money.
I would say, to avoid any downstream risks, you might want to check the school’s policy on teacher/aide gifts to make sure you are in compliance.
NTA- as a preschool teacher, thank you.
It’s sort of like when you go out to eat and you tip a little extra because you know other people don’t tip.
I wouldn’t give your child special treatment, but I would feel valued and respected, which already goes a long way if there is ever any kind of issue that needs to be solved.
NTA. However, as a teacher, I think it would be fair to make it in giftcards (lakeshore, amazon, target, ect) and divide among the grade level teachers. That way it can be spent on the classrooms and all the students benefit at some point. Although as a teacher I’d love a 1500 bonus! Lol
NTA. As a teacher, getting this money from the parents would not make me favor the kid one bit. Their grades are earned, not bought. I’d be extremely grateful about the gifts, but it wouldn’t change the way I treat the kids. Most teachers are professionals that go through so much shit, it’s nice to be appreciated. Just don’t expect strings attached with the gifts and that’s ok.
Your SIL sounds like a nosy, intrusive, judgmental jerk who is likely a lunchroom gossip projecting her own behavior onto others. She probably expected to aggrandize herself in front of the group by gratuitously noting the amount of her donation, but she just couldn’t stop herself from wading in further, could she? It was profoundly rude of her to ask you to disclose your contributions even privately, much less in a group setting, and to keep pestering you for an answer.
Normally, I’d say just keep doing what feels right to you. Well-placed generosity and appreciation are beautiful things. But because I’m concerned she’s a boundary-challenged gossip who’s preoccupied with your kids getting special treatment, however imagined it is, I wonder if she would make a thing of this with other parents and possibly someone employed by the school. Perhaps you could talk to a school administrator or engaged board member you trust and get their thoughts on how to best reward teachers and staff directly while minimizing any unfounded concerns about favoritism. Or not, as it’s your money and your business, and SIL can stuff it.
Whatever you do, don’t stifle your generous nature and appreciation of hard-working educators. And please don’t ever again give into your SIL’s nasty attempts to get into your family’s business.
Nah- they are right though, you undoubtedly buying your children goodwill and special treatment/advantage. Guess it depends on how you feel about that sort of thing. If when they are in college, you all of a sudden have an urge to donate for a whole school library, etc, don’t try and mask it as benevolence.
INFO: which school is this, I’d like to get a job there.
NTA.
I have been a teacher for over a decade. When I worked in a wealthy suburban district, the parents of my students would give lots of gifts for christmas and the end of the year. Honestly, this stuff allowed me to pay for groceries since it was early in my teaching career when I was barely making $30k after taxes. However, it did not change how I graded or taught my students. Some students in those wealthy districts could not afford to buy me a gift, so they would make me stuff. I valued the hand made gifts probably more. For example, I had one student who used the wax paper from a cookie he had at lunch to make me an origami Articuno, which he came up with the origami pattern on his own. When I worked in urban districts I did not get nearly as many monetary gifts, but still plenty of the handmade ones.
For starters, the teachers cannot see who paid for their wishlist items, so that is irrelevant. Second of all, teachers in the US are grossly underpaid. It would be better if they were paid properly, but that is not the reality we live in. Your gift is extremely generous, and I am sure no teacher would ever expect it. Also, the teachers who received it most likely do not brag about it, since they probably do not want other teachers to become jealous or complain. I have found that most teachers talk about the handmade gifts, not the monetary gifts because it can create strife.
Keep doing what you are doing. People so often forget that teachers are also human. Your gifts could be making it so the teachers can get their own children a nice christmas gift, or pay for medical bills, rent, groceries, etc. Or maybe they are able to buy themselves a new pair of shoes they desperately need since they are on their feet all day.
I don’t think it makes you an AH but I do think it’s an inappropriate amount of money.
This is how rich people should be with their money. NTA and good on you for supporting teachers.
Nta my mother used to gift teachers Burberry scarfs for Christmas , and LV wallets as a “ thanks for teaching my daughter” gifts at the end of the school year. She used to give all teachers a 50% discount on nails at the nail salon too.
ESH do what you want but you should have refused to answer or lied. There’s no way you didn’t now that number would blow up the conversation. You’ve put the very people you are trying to show appreciation for at risk of spurious accusations if your SIL talks about it or gets petty. And yes, I think it’s an inappropriate amount for a direct gift and puts the teachers in a weird position.
Catholic school parent here, and my wife is a music teacher at the Catholic school our kids go to. Although to be fair, it’s a fairly small catholic school with only about 200 students for Pre-K through 8th.
This is weird.
A small teacher gift is common. I would generally say that a $100 monetary gift like your SIL gave would be considered extravagant. Something like a $20 Starbucks gift card would be seen as a very nice gift. Nobody looks down on some homemade cookies. Aids, if they get that kind of gift, and usually more in the $5 range.
Giving $1000-$1500 as a personal teacher gift is bizarre. It doesn’t make you an AH, but it’s really strange behavior and may make some teachers uncomfortable unless this school is in an ultra high net worth area. I mean, most people I know who work as aids would be thrilled to get that kind of gift because it’s usually a part time job with no benefits, so that’s a couple week’s worth of pay for them. At a smaller school, that’s enough money to make a teacher or aid wonder if it’s supposed to be some kind of bribe.
Your SIL pushing for the exact dollar amount, if that’s what really happened, is also weird.
The lack of healthy boundaries for everyone in this story is staggering.
I would suggest the following:
Go to the principle, explain without giving numbers under any circumstances, that you’ve been giving a gift to your kids’ teachers and aides on Teachers’ Day and Christmas, but that a comment from another teacher makes you concerned that the amounts you’ve been giving may be wildly inappropriate, and ask how common it is to give gifts and what kinds of amounts are considered reasonable.
When you inevitably find out that your gifts are extravagant in the extreme, reduce them, and find a better use for the extra money. You’re giving away $12k/year in teacher gifts on top of what you’re paying for private school, so you obviously have disposable income. If you spent $800 on teacher gifts, that would leave you more than $11k that could go to technology upgrades for the school, new books for the library, all kinds of things. Heck, it’s nearly enough money to hire another aid.
Once that’s settled, so read some self help books on setting healthy boundaries like Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud, and try to get SIL to read them too.
Then spend some time learning how to be a good steward for your wealth. I usually don’t get preachy on reddit because it’s a sure way to get downvoted or deleted, but since you’re a fellow Catholic, I would point out that we’re called to be good stewards of the gifts we’re given. You obviously have substantial wealth, and it sounds like you could do more good with it than extravagant gifts.
Why don’t you start a teacher’s support/bonus fund for the school? Put $12,000 in there annually to be distributed evenly amongst all teachers. They are all in need, not just your children’s teachers. You can even set it up where others can donate to the fund. Have it pay out to them twice per year.
As a struggling teacher I think y’all are amazing. I would be speechless if I received a gift like that. I also think your sister is very generous as well. Thank you from all teachers.