I’m aware advice will naturally skew negative here, an I have a sense of what I should do but value all opinions.
Over a month ago my wife and I were out socializing with friends. After returning home my wife drunkenly left her phone unlocked and messages on screen.
I saw a text message sent by her that very night to another man saying “I can’t wait to f*** you “
Naturally I panicked and challenged her thinking she was preparing to cheat on me.
Looking at the messages I scrolled up only to discover messages from two weeks prior when I had been away on business. There she asked him had he found jewelry she lost, which he said he found in his bed. They exchange messages saying she can get it back the next time they see each other.
This is where I felt sick, as when I was away she was messaging me saying how upset she was she had lost jewelry i bought her, while at the same time she was texting a man she slept with to find it.
After challenging her on this, she had to confess and said it was a one time thing, he made a move and she didn’t stop it, that she has been feeling particularly low and can’t explain why she did it but regrets it, loves me and wants to make us work.
What is troubling me is the following aggravating factors:
1. The betrayal. Our own intimacy has reduced a lot and we went months without, despite me making efforts, and yet she sleeps with someone else.
2. The deceit: I only found out from seeing her messages left open, she would not have confessed.
3. Circumstances. This was a friend of hers she infrequently sees, but someone she slept with over 12 years ago but I never kne this. and doing so again maybe made her feel young and better.
Next, she wasn’t drunk. She met him during the day, while texting me saying she was in work so clearly was hiding meeting him.
4. Intention to see him again. She said she couldn’t remember the black out drunk texting him that night I saw it (she was) but I said that doesn’t excuse it and doesn’t explain sober texts previously.
How do I trust she wouldn’t have done it again if I had not found out?
Other factors upsetting me:
Longstanding issues which have somewhat been let go silent:
Sexual intimacy became every few months. I asked honestly if this is an issue with me, and she swears its not, but hard to believe.
I pay for everything, house is paid for, she pays no bills, I cover expensive holidays, luxury goods, even loans I’ve given she has not paid back.
There’s a lack of vulnerability and talking about important life decisions, family, retirement plans etc.
I’ve asked her to move out while we work through this as I cant do it while she’s in house.
I offered for us to go to counseling and open ended to see if if can save us. I don’t know if she would have done so if roles were reversed.
We have done 4 sessions but I’m not seeing much progress and she says I’m holding too high a standard.
In the meantime she visits the house, we’ve 3 cats and 1 dog she visits. And we have not told any friends as im trying to give us time and so no one judges.
But she is persisting asking to move back in saying she can’t do this and why can’t we work on it while living together and it feels like it’s an ultimatum.
Particularly when I feel my concerns on trust haven’t been addressed.
It hurts seeing her hurting, I do believe she regrets it (now after being found out) but can’t help feel I’m having to be the one to solve it and she’s not prepared to do what’s necessary and respecting what I need.
Thoughts on how I should proceed?
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You proceed to divorce. She cheated and was planning to continue (and probably has done much more than you know).
Toddlers don’t like time-out either. Don’t assume because she’s an adult it’s any different
Don’t believe a word she says. She’s now trying to minimise everything, she’s working on her story. She’s also trying to gaslight you into thinking it wasn’t that bad. The fact that she didn’t confess to the cheating, and her willingness to do it again, should tell you everything you need to know.
This cheating scandal needs to be confronted head-on, no more sweeping it under the rug. Because when you really examine her actions, they scream “lack of integrity” loud and clear.
But, let’s not lose sight of the bigger picture here: marriages can recover from infidelity if both parties commit to rebuilding trust, it just takes a helluva lot of work on both sides… and a healthy dose of forgiveness.
She is still lying and trickle-truthing you. It wasn’t a one-time thing. She isn’t sleeping with you because she is loyal to her actual boyfriend – you may be her husband, but she has mentally demoted you to the sidepiece.
I am sorry. If there had been genuine confession and contrition on her part, maybe you could have salvaged this. As it is, get a lawyer and hit the gym.
> I’m holding too high a standard
What, don’t fuck other people and make excuses or lie about it? You monster. How could you possibly expect her to do such an impossible thing?
You’re right that reddit isn’t particularly sympathetic to cheaters in general, but it’s hard to be sympathetic when your wife is giving all the signs of someone who’s just sorry they got caught and there are consequences. I think deep down, you know what needs to be done.
It wasn’t the first time last time. She is trickle-truth telling you that what you know about is all that happened. The relationship is over. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can heal and move on with someone loyal and true. This isn’t your fault, but the decision is your responsibility.
It’s over man. Time to move on. She already has.
Efforts on her part to save the marriage are likely financially driven as she sees risk to losing her lifestyle now.
Reclaim your dignity.
I too choose this guy’s wife
It’s very unfortunate but it’s already over, I’ve been through something similar and she will say or do anything to get you back, maybe life will be good for a short bit but her betrayal will always be there for her and for you. Knowing she was able to get away with it before and after already losing intimacy it will be very easy for her to fall back with this guy or even another.
As for you will you ever truly trust her when you are away at work or elsewhere? I think you will be wasting time and money trying to make it work and if you are financially secure this is her mistake to live with. She made the choice to cheat and she needs to be held accountable. I wish you well.
> she says I’m holding too high a standard
I would have snorted milk through my nose if I’d been drinking milk :-/
Has she stopped seeing her affair partner? Do you even know?
Are you even upset? Your wife had an affair and you barely sound phased.
Listen man. First, I applaud your post as you seem to be a logical thinker.
She probably talks to that “friend” more often than you think; she probably deletes the messages or something. It genuinely infuriates me when the person that got caught doing so fuckery suggests therapy ugh been there done that.
2nd bit, Fuck how she feels because you would never know if you didnt look through her phone. Feel bad for yourself, but don’t dwell there. Let me give you a scenario. If you forgive her, this will always live in the back of your mind that she hid it. The only reason you saw it is because she was drunk and forgot to delete it. Be happy you don’t have kids.
So is ‘Not fucking another dude at any point in this marriage’ too high of a standard?
Let her do what she does – have the divorce papers ready when she comes back along with your stuff moved out.