Hi. Yesterday I posted about being pregnant and I can’t figure out how to link that post but I wanted to do an update post. I went to the ER for what I genuinely thought was a heart attack but was just actually a panic attack. I am going to get a surgical abortion because as it turns out I am pretty anemic.
In my state you need to get an ultrasound before. I am so scared to do it. I already feel an immense amount of pain and grief that I can’t have the baby that this fetus could become. I can’t imagine seeing it. I feel completely broken
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Be strong honey, and best wishes <3
& the updates don’t impact the judgments against your boyfriend btw, we read you as self sufficient, it’s also clearly not a choice, when you deeply need support and have no one to turn to
You made do with your mom, you had no choice
You do have a choice where your boyfriend is concerned
Make better ones, break the cycle
Eventually, got enough on your plate at the moment
You’ll have to rely on self care a little longer, but once you’ve built yourself back up – get out there – find better for yourself
Don’t allow yourself to tolerate and justify less just because it’s what you’re used to – an ounce of empathy would tell a stranger this is a time where you need attention and care
For your partner to check out just because you’re not bugging him about it – for you not to bother him with your worry and fear because you know that’s a dry well to draw from…
Gotta start with loving yourself chica – and anyone who loves you is having their heart broken by seeing you go through this alone
Now you know – life is full of ups and downs – find folk that will face those waves with you, not just use you as a sinking life preserver to ride their own
If you can’t trade off on uplifting each other, you will be the one ultimately taking on water – and as you’re only as valued as you are useful in these kind of selfish equations – that’s a depreciating bet you’re wagering yourself on
You can look away from the screen during and let your providers know before the imaging you dont want to be informed about the results or information from the imaging
It’s okay to be scared, when I’m afraid of things I try to look at it this way, by this time next month it will be done and over with and things will be back to normal and the problem will be fixed. You will get through this and come out the other side.
If you are in a place where they are required to show it to you, they can’t actually make you look. They can turn the screen towards you, and you can just turn your head or close your eyes and meditate for a minute.
If you are in a place that doesn’t require you look, just ask them not to tell you anything and that you don’t want to see. The only thing that you may need to know is if anything that they saw is going to change your medical treatment. Like if they found a fibroid or something.
More thoughts:
Find your local abortion fund; they can help with costs and other support
https://abortionfunds.org/
If you don’t have a trusted friend or family member to go with you, look for an abortion doula. I believe PP has them in many locations. There are likely also nonprofits who will help you find one or provide a low cost or free one
The ultrasound probably wont look like much at 7 weeks- if that helps. It will be just a sac/bubble. You won’t see anything recognizable.
I used to work at a clinic that provided abortions in a state with the same ultrasound law, and all the doctors there would have understood that the law has no good medical reason and allowed you to get it done as quickly as possible without seeing the results. Take care of yourself, and know that the doctors are on your side.