I grew up poor (like legit, was on free lunch/family lived in areas where people get shot when sleeping by drive by, eating plain rice and beans for weeks) but I have turned the corner and am making very good money now (think mid 6 figures). A lot of my friends I made in high school or before are making around 30-60k.
Linda, one of my friends from high school is currently a store clerk. I have found myself having a harder time keeping in touch and relating to their life and struggles now. Linda and I were getting coffee this saturday morning, and she was complaining how crazy COL have risen. I totally agree, and I said “I know right? My favorite horizon milk went from like 2$ back in the days to now 7$ for half a gallon” (there is a background story to Horizon below)
She stopped and looked at me and said “well you can afford 14$ gallons, you’re too privilege to complain about COL, I just get the kroger 2-3$ milk for an entire gallon”.
I felt bad immediately and I stopped talking after I just said “yeah, you are right. I shouldn’t be complaining to you about money. I had just wanted to agree with you”. The rest of the morning was also awkward. I feel like I have to watch what I say around them. And I totally get it, we have different struggles now, but I don’t want different socioeconomic classes to separate us.
I remember when I was a broke med student saying “wow we really splurged on our anniversary and spent like 100$ on sushi!” and the attending cut in and say “100$? you call that fancy? When I eat fancy for 2 people, that’s like 800$” and I felt super embarassed. I don’t want them to feel bad at all.
I feel like when I’m around Linda (and other older friends), I really have to be cautious of what I say and what I complain about. I don’t feel like I can talk freely. And I KNOW and acknowledge I’m super fortunate now. I want to keep our friendship but I don’t want to feel smothered either (And I don’t want to make them feel bad too). This is a geninue question and seeking for advice – how does one stay connected to the less financially secured friends/family after you have escape poverty and now doing very well?
Background info on horizon:
When we were kids, her family qualified for food stamps/gov aids, and mine didn’t (back then we were trying to immigrate/obtain citizenship and were told if we got aid, we would be denied). Sometimes she would have horizon milk if they had a bit extra for food stamp. We would drink horizon as if it was pure luxury. We had joked once we become rich, we would be able to afford horizon milk. When I got my first (fastfood) job, I bought her a carton of horizon and joked how we were so rich at 16 to have our own horizon. But now we’re in such different places in life, it’s no longer a good inside joke.
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You might be able to maintain it if you can agree not to talk about money, including how the cost of living has increased recently. Just because you make more doesn’t negate that higher costs are notable to you too. But neither of you need to talk money to have a friendship
Time to get new friends. Sometimes in life people just grew apart because you are just too different form before.
This issue doesn’t only occur with money, it’s about privilege and self-awareness. And privilege can take many forms. Many people purposely seek out friends with the same level of privilege because it is easier to speak with people when you don’t have to keep your own ego in check.
If you do want to keep the friendship with Linda when she discusses finances simply empathize with what she’s saying without sharing an anecdote about yourself. And when you direct the conversation don’t bring up money, bring up other topics.
I have had to do this my entire life whenever discussions of weight come up, which is a perennial topic of conversation and bonding for women.
Sadly sometimes you do have to go your own way. It’s not just being in and living a different life. You will make plans like a beach trip or skiing with other friends and won’t be able to include them without paying their share.
Not saying it’s impossible, but that person that makes less, can’t beat you up for having more. It’s exhausting. The end of the day no one wants to be around someone that makes them feel bad.
If they are just a good friend and never make you feel bad, you can have a really great friendship and do things that are fun and not expensive. Share talks and all the things you did before making good money. They have to be nice too though.
I think it’s just as simple as being cognizant of who you’re talking with.
I do decent financially, but have many friends who are more in the average-to-low range, and my brother is very successful for our area. I also am married with no plans for kids, while I have friends who do have kids. All of us have different concepts and ideas of what is and isn’t expensive, and what we’re willing to spend on certain things.
I’m not going to tell my friend with a new baby or the friend who’s working his way through college that I splurged on $200 of Magic cards, but I would tell my brother about it. I just try to be mindful of what I say and who I say it to. Most of my friends wouldn’t care either way, but still.
Hello. Well the answer is to not talk about money and if that subject comes up then just change topic. Pay for everything not because you can but because you want to. Now if this friend was in the top 3 on my friend list I would offer them a loan with a promise to payback later through a lawyer for schooling. I also would let them stay for free at my home on condition that they buy there own food and keep up on cleaning the home. I am 40 and retired in 2014, money comes and goes and you can not take it with you when you die, a person can be priceless to you.
You didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t grow up poor, but I make much more money than my close group of friends and it’s always an issue. I have huge plans on taking multiple girls trips, dine more lavishly, and always want to discuss housing and careers but I can’t, simply because my friends aren’t financially as successful.
I don’t feel bad for them and I won’t downplay my finances to please them. They are terrible with savings, that’s not my fault. Don’t feel guilty for having money, you’ve earned it.
You might have outgrown this group of friends.
I don’t know. I think you pulled a bit of an odd flex with the milk thing. You may not have intentionally intended to put her down, but you did.
Your income levels are not equal, and your friend is very aware of that. I kind of get the impression that this isn’t the first time you’ve “casually” mentioned how much you spend on things in an effort to “relate.” You know that you’re not really relating/empathizing… you’re lording it over them that you are well off and they aren’t. Your friend Linda just called you out on it, is all.
If you don’t want to be friends, then don’t be friends. But it’s definitely not a good look to dump lifelong friends just because they’re in a lower income bracket than you.
It’s important to find common ground beyond financial discussions, like shared experiences or values, and focus on what you both still have in common rather than what you don’t, what would make you feel more connected if you could talk about something else that matters to both of you?
You keep hanging out if you feel value from the encounters. Meaning, you like to connect, talk, spend time, etc. If you dont feel comfortable anymore then just stop trying.
Its a two way street. You can try all you want but if the other person is going to have animosity due to your financial success then there is no much you can do.
We all are surrounded by people with less money than us and people with more money than us, no matter how wealthy we are. If you mentioned the cost of groceries to a friend, how would you feel if they replied with the rising cost of fuel for their personal jet? You would probably say “you’re lucky to have that problem”, and you would be right.
It’s a tough situation honestly but it’s kind of on both of you not to make it weird. It’s definitely on you not to brag about your money when around Linda but it’s also on Linda not to hold your good financial position against you. You clearly earned what you are making. You grew up poor, went to medical school and earned it. Don’t flaunt it but don’t apologize for it. If Linda can’t deal with that it’s kind of her problem. Also yeah, maybe don’t complain about the cost of living around someone who makes 10% of what you do, even if they bring it up.
I remember when I was buying my house after my divorce. I said something about the closing date “assuming everything went as planned”. All my coworkers started talking about the challenges of paper work with lenders, appraisals, and interest rates etc. Things everyone buying a house can relate to.
I smiled and nodded. I was concerned if the cash funds would be wired from the brokerage account on time.
But I didn’t say that
Discretion is the better part of valor