My wife recently met a guy while she was out at a mixer with her friends. I wasn’t there because I had to look after our son but so were her friends. This guy is recently single after being in a relationship for 8 years and was apparently flirting with other women who were there but when he found out that my wife was taken, he seemed disappointed. Anyway, they apparently began talking quite regularly and she didn’t tell me about this guy she just started talking to.
I will confess I got very much insecure and I stuck a look at her phone, which she realised I had done. While this was a bad decision on my part we seemed to have resolved this breach of trust and got through it. I also explained how the situation was making me feel and she was starting to think that I didn’t trust her. It has nothing to do with her, but all to do with him and his intentions. I asked whether or not he was being flirty with her and she said he was but that she would not flirt back, which I saw in the messages.
My worry is about whether or not she might be swayed by this guy, he seems to be getting overly familiar with her. How do I seriously approach this subject with my wife and not seem like I am being controlling. Part of me wants to put a stop to this and part of me wants to just trust her and I know she would prefer that I trust her but it has been hard to get out of my head when they are writing massive walls of text to each other. Does any of what I am feeling make sense? Am I over reacting?
Edit… it was a social mixer with a local sporting club. Nothing to do with single people
Comments
Your feelings are totally valid trust isn’t just about actions, it’s also about comfort and boundaries. It’s okay to talk to her honestly about how this makes you feel, without accusing her. Open, calm conversations can go a long way.
These days, people are even afraid to express their feelings because they’ll immediately be labeled as controlling or worse.
Dude, just tell your wife, this guy is obviously flirting with u and has clear intentions. If she doesn’t stop communicating with him, he’ll take it as a sign that she’s interested, it doesn’t really matter how she responds.
Besides, if something makes you uncomfortable, the normal thing in a relationship is to talk about it and find a solution, not to dismiss it.
I too choose this guy’s wife
Nobody needs to write massive walls of texts to someone who isn’t in their life. However if they are talking about sports because they are part of a sports related social group then who cares.
You don’t “need to put a stop to it” she does. Leave her to get bored of him and his need for attention. He’s doing this with multiple people ( women probably but maybe also men ) In addition divorced guys who are on the prowl will seek out younger women.
Try suggesting some people in your wife’s life who are younger and single and she doesn’t particularly like. Mention the idea of introducing them to him. If she likes that idea the texting will quickly stop.
He is very obvious in his intentions, and your wife acknowledges this, but sees no problem with it. I would have a problem with that too
I’d text him and tell him to back the fuck off if he knows what good for him.
That should put an end to it.
The thing is you’ve taken responsibility and accountability for snooping on her phone… has she taken accountability for exchanging numbers with a newly single man? If the scenario was reversed would your wife be happy and supportive of you exchanging messages with a single woman who was flirty with you and messaging you all the time? I think not. I wonder why your wife is happy to entertain him, maybe it’s an ego boost for her, but she’s had her fun, it’s time for her to be responsible and do the right thing for the sake of her marriage. She should probably also explain her actions and apologise to you. That’s my opinion.
Definitely boundaries have been crossed. The guy is after your wife. Yes. He will try and sway her. He is not looking for a new “friend “. Have to deal with the same shit with my wife. I would definitely put a stop to it one way or another.
Just draw the line in the sand. If she respects you and your relationship, she doesn’t need to be friends with this guy who makes you uncomfortable. That’s called partnership and sacrifice. If she says, no, I’ll be friends and text secretly with any man I want – great, you know your emotional needs and safety don’t matter as much as texting a single dude who hits on her. That writing is on the wall.
Talk to her and explain you feel like boundaries are being crossed and that you want it to stop. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. If she agrees and stops, all good. But if she tries to cry the same old “you’re controlling me” bullshit, she’s as good as gone at that point
Set very clear boundaries with your wife about how you feel. Women can be friends with men but not with men out to pursue them. He will eventually wear her down and make you seem like the controlling bad guy.
Why does he even have her number? Why would she give it out?? Seems to me people are doing things to see how much they can get away with
There is no need for a man who is just a sort of acquaintance with your wife to be messaging her in any sort of flirty way. He is clearly after something. My hubby wouldn’t be happy with this, and I would not be happy if the roles were reversed either. If I was your wife I’d cut this guy off and just stop engaging. How my hubby feels would be the priority here, and I would expect him to do the same.
She doesn’t need to flirt back to accept it, she needs to allow him to continue. And she’s doing that. This guy is a homewrecker and right now she’s enjoying the attention.
Why’d he get her phone number ?
Grow a pair maybe
My guy in my humble opinion if someone is in a relationship or married they shouldn’t be causally talking to someone of the opposite sex that’s recently single and is interested in them, i would seriously question why she’s even taking him on, bit suss if you ask me
to be honest she likes the attention of someone new, but this is a big hint that you should start flirting with your wife like you were trying to date her again.
>it has been hard to get out of my head when they are writing massive walls of text to each other
so why aren’t the two of you writing massive walls of text to each other?
you’re not overreacting but you’re now in the next phase of life called “how to date my spouse and also be a parent”
Find dude and hit his “reset button”, located right above the mouth…immediately tell him to lose your wife’s number.
Generally very effective
Yeah I’m with some others. Why would you give your number to a stranger you just met and carry on conversations with him unless you liked the attention or was interested in him. Course you are hearing all the “don’t trust me ” or “your being insecure “. Famous last words from someone cheating or thinking about it. I wouldn’t give my number to someone I don’t know, male or female.
dude just tell her this is making you incredibly uncomfortable and to block and ghost this dude, if she makes this about therapyspeak buzzwords toxic gaslighting blah blah blah you get your answer and it’s not a good one. she’s entertaining his attention because it makes her feel desirable, that’s already a bridge too far and you’re going to get cheated on if you don’t man up now before it’s too late
ask me how I know
For me it would feel above else disrespectful if my wife would allow man to flirt with her. As would your wife if you allowed woman to flirt with you. Tell her that you know that if feels great to be pursued, but there is no place for it in your marriage.
Dude! She’s your fucking wife, tell her to knock it off.
The issue is not you accessing her phone, it’s her contact with the guy and how it makes you feel. It’s not controlling, you are in a marriage. Any issues, you talk and communicate. Why do people make such a big issue about accessing your partners phone? Surely, in a marriage everything should be open, if not, why be together?.
if something feels off trust that gut and talk it out calm and straight it’s not about control it’s about respect if she cares she’ll get where you’re coming from and if she doesn’t that’s telling too don’t bottle it up or keep second guessing your own feelings just be honest with her and see how she responds
I think reasonable jealousy is endearing. I know many people don’t agree but it is a feeling based on caring. When jealousy crosses that line into paranoia and complete mistrust then it becomes ugly. But who can clearly say when that line is crossed…
Why does he have her phone number?
If she knows he’s flirting and she’s still responding to him, that’s disrespectful to your marriage.
It’s not enough that she’s “not doing it back,” the fact that she’s entertaining it at all is a problem. The correct response for her here is to shut it down hard the first time he does it, and cut contact if he does it again.
The correct response for you here is to tell her that, ask her why she’s so comfortable disrespecting your marriage entertaining a man she knows is flirting, and then start talking to a divorce lawyer so you’re prepared for if/when it escalates.
It’s not looking good, to be honest.
I hope things work out for you
>she was starting to think that I didn’t trust her. It has nothing to do with her, but all to do with him and his intentions.
My worry is about whether or not she might be swayed by this guy
Do you realize these are contradictory statements? If you trust her, you have to trust that she won’t be swayed by him.
Now I’m not saying that she shouldn’t cut this off. If he’s really flirty and not respecting that she’s married, he needs to go.
document everything
set your boundaries clearly
if she doesnt respect the boundaries , the only option is to leave or endure the abuse
How about answering the question we are all asking?? HOW DID HE HET HER NUMBER? “ It’s a simple question
Draw the line tell your wife you trust her but not the dude. Yes, he is trying to get her. The way I handle shit is if you do it, I will find out. If you start comparing us, I will leave. Make it clear that you ain’t going to tolerate disrespect. Watch for the clues. Late night work sessions out of nowhere, hanging with the girls more and more, password on the phone, angling the phone so you cant see what’s on the screen, short temper with you and insults to you when that never happened before, go out and making you stay home. These are the first signs. Good luck to you. I hope you are just over reacting but in long term relationships and the amount of predators out there trying to ruin relationships and the whole cuckhold fantasy alot of women think is OK the scales are kind of against us husband’s.
Why is your WIFE giving away her phone number to single men????
Like, come on!
You need to have a talk with your wife about boundaries. She also didnt tell you about him, which makes it clear she knew what was going on, she knew you would not approve of this behavior and therefore you had to SNOOP.
Not a good sign brother.
I would tell her to completely cut this off and have a serious talk about boundaries in your marriage. If she is ANY way gets upset or doesnt cut off this SINGLE MAN WHO IS OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO SLEEP WITH HER then you have your answer. She is willing to put some stranger she is attracted to over you.
Again, not a good sign your wife doesnt have boundaries and is giving her number to men while married.
First off, in a trusting relationship there is no need for secrecy. That includes looking at each other’s phones. The fact that you were worried about communications happening and looked and found those indications that a clear violation of trust happened. Not by you but by her. People might argue that that isn’t true but trust doesn’t happen from not communicating. I would never have a back and forth communication with someone who has flirted with me and I would have a conversation about the flirtation with my wife. Being open about things like people hitting on you does two things. There is no secret and puts a check in place so that the person you are with knows they can trust that you share even hard things. This happens in all relationships and as you both learn how to be there for each other it can get better. Be open with her about why this worries you. Seeds of distrust are small. But an action like this is just that a seed of distrust.
Does she realize how close she is to an emotional affair? What will she do hen he asks to meet up somewhere? It will happen at some point if she keeps in contact, what will her reaction be? A single guy is ultimately in it for one thing, and it’s not good for you. He must also be aware of the anxiety it’s causing you, maybe he’s pushing for an argument between you and your wife, she won’t see that happening.
Your wife isn’t a child. She knows what she’s doing you can’t be “swayed” into having an affair. If she does it, it’s because she wants to and has wanted to. I would never entertain a single man like she is when I know I have a husband and my husband knows how upset I’d be if he were entertaining a single woman like your wife is doing with this man
Women and men aren’t that different. She is getting attention from someone else and that is making her feel good or special..Tell her that it makes you uncomfortable and that she would feel the same if the roles were reversed. Don’t forbid her from having contact but let her know that you are married and that you would like her to set boundaries with this person out of respect for you. You would do the same for her. If she is hiding text messages or lying about where she has been. Then confront her and make it clear that continued deception won’t be tolerated by you and the disruption within your family.
I am a female, and I think she is enjoying the attention she is getting maybe even likes the fact you are reacting in a jealous manner (I understand your feelings) the guy needs to stay in his lane he is definitely looking for something more. Sometimes it”s about the challenge she is already taken.
If you are married, it shouldn’t be an issue to look at your spouses phone. My spouse has my passcode and is welcome to mine at anytime.
It seems like she is beginning to have (or is fully having) an emotional affair with this man. The problem is that she is directing attention away from you and your family and giving it to someone who obviously wants to tear her away from you and the family. I’m sure if the situations were reversed and a woman was regularly texting and flirting with you, she’d have a big problem with it. It is a bad sign that she is being dismissive of your feelings. You should schedule a few sessions with a marriage counselor to help you work through this. Right now, she’s actively disrespecting your marriage. If she refuses counseling and continues to have the emotional affair, then there is a bigger issue.
If it makes you uncomfortable she should respect that and be willing to share that with him. Set a boundary of any interaction she has with him should include you as well, if he doesn’t get the message and continues to flirt with her then if she loves you she’ll cut him off completely. Ask her if she were comfortable with you “talking “ with a recently single woman who was outwardly flirting with you!
Updateme
If she doesn’t stop talking to him she doesn’t respect you. You are absolutely right he will sleep with your wife if she allows him to. Men are patient when she is emotionally available he will pounce
Do married people not let their spouses use their phone regularly? I use my husbands phone all the time and vice versa. You shouldn’t have anything to hide?
Stop being weak and put your foot down. If she don’t cooperate, then you match her toxic energy.
You could meet him face to face and put him straight in no uncertain terms then deal with the possible fall out from your wife. Time to stand up and br counted. Wife might not like it but I am sure she will secretly admire you.
it was already mentioned but your feelings are absolutely valid. you said she has started to talk to him , but she didn’t tell you, and that he was flirting with her. This are 2 concerning behaviors. itis not very flattering of her to ask for your trust when she is the one hiding something. I believe good relationship is based on sharing and may be you should try to work on your relationship with your wife, try to get closer, may be try to convince her that transperancy is very important for good relationship. You don’t need even to mention this guy. I think this is the high class approach but I am not sure how easy or hard it could be. Or you can just address the subject directly- what is her interest in him that they keep such long conversations. You have the right to ask. And if she trys to acuse of being controlling you have to ignore that. Do not let it affect you, itis just manipulation. Good relationship and trust are built on transparency.
It’s not controlling, it’s boundaries. What is your wife even getting out of this? Is he some magical communicator that she can have amazing dialogue with? What is the point of even risking hurting you by continuing to talk to this guy?
Why would she ever need to exchange numbers in the first place? Maybe i am just old but i would never meet a single woman and start texting with her.
Why does she feel the need to talk to a guy that flirts with her and put you in a situation that makes you uncomfortable? Doesn’t matter if she isn’t flirting back. Does she tell him to stop or just doesn’t respond in kind? Sounds like she likes the attention. NOR
Bro…just ask her if she’d be ok with you keeping a female friend around who regularly flirts with you. This is a no brainer and your letting her treat you like shit.
My friend, you can either spend your life on empty virtue signaling, or you can step up and get controlling when the situation calls for it. If you see her crossing the line, then who gives a crap what she calls you? Protect what’s yours.
I’m not saying you should lock her down. In this context, “protect what’s yours”, yours being your sanity, your wellbeing and your peace of mind. If she chooses to threaten those things, then she gets one opportunity to be explained the path she is headed down. If she decides to ignore it, then she is not the one to build a life with.
Edit to add: I just read the comments. What a welcome breeze of fresh air, with rational, reasonable people, as opposed to the usual garbage one might find in these kinds of posts!
Dude your wife is out chatting up a single man pursuing her in secret and you’re worried about checking her phone? Her breach of trust is far worse than your minor one. Your wife has manipulating your insecurity to her advantage. There’s very basic question to ask here why is she entertaining someone who’s clearly coming onto her? He’s receiving a clear signal that she’s receptive to his attention and it seems that’s what she wants which is never OK when you’re married
I feel like if someone were flirting with my girlfriend, simply not flirting back would not be enough. She needs to shut that down or stop talking to them.
Entertaining the flirting is a boundary being crossed in my mind.
Wasn’t the Catalina wine mixer was it??