Hi Reddit! I (F20) have been dating my girlfriend, let’s call her Angie (F21), for about nine months now, and I genuinely adore her. She’s kind, smart, funny, and just overall a wonderful person. I really do feel lucky to have her in my life. That said… she loves to sing. Like, all the time, but especially in the car. And to be clear, she’s incredibly talented. She’s done choir throughout school, she’s a musical theatre major, and she truly has an amazing voice. Most of the time, I love hearing her sing and perform. It’s something I admire about her cause god know I cant hold a tune to save my life.
However, when we’re driving together, it honestly gets on my nerves. I don’t mean every now and then, it’s constant. For example, the other night we were driving home from a mutual friend’s place. I put on some music in the background and started talking asking her about her day. As soon as there was a lull in the conversation, she turned the music up and started singing. I let it go for a song or two, but when turned it back down and tried to resume the conversation, she gave me a one-word answer, turned it up and went right back to singing. This kind of thing happens all the time. I try not to be overly sensitive about it, but it makes me feel like she’s not interested in talking to me. I’ve brought it up a couple of times, but she usually brushes it off and tells me that it just passes the time, which it does, for her…meanwhile I’m driving next to what feels like a brick wall. Sometimes I try to sing along, but she’ll say something like “It’s not a duet” in a joking way but I know she means it.
I really do love her, and I don’t want to make her feel like she can’t be herself around me but I also don’t want to feel ignored every time we’re in the car together. So am I the asshole for wanting her to dial it back a bit in the car?
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Hi Reddit! I (F20) have been dating my girlfriend, let’s call her Angie (F21), for about nine months now, and I genuinely adore her. She’s kind, smart, funny, and just overall a wonderful person. I really do feel lucky to have her in my life. That said… she loves to sing. Like, all the time, but especially in the car. And to be clear, she’s incredibly talented. She’s done choir throughout school, she’s a musical theatre major, and she truly has an amazing voice. Most of the time, I love hearing her sing and perform. It’s something I admire about her cause god know I cant hold a tune to save my life.
However, when we’re driving together, it honestly gets on my nerves. I don’t mean every now and then, it’s constant. For example, the other night we were driving home from a mutual friend’s place. I put on some music in the background and started talking asking her about her day. As soon as there was a lull in the conversation, she turned the music up and started singing. I let it go for a song or two, but when turned it back down and tried to resume the conversation, she gave me a one-word answer, turned it up and went right back to singing. This kind of thing happens all the time. I try not to be overly sensitive about it, but it makes me feel like she’s not interested in talking to me. I’ve brought it up a couple of times, but she usually brushes it off and tells me that it just passes the time, which it does, for her…meanwhile I’m driving next to what feels like a brick wall. Sometimes I try to sing along, but she’ll say something like “It’s not a duet” in a joking way but I know she means it.
I really do love her, and I don’t want to make her feel like she can’t be herself around me but I also don’t want to feel ignored every time we’re in the car together. So am I the asshole for wanting her to dial it back a bit in the car?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I asked my girlfriend to stsop singing in the car which is something she loves to do.
2. It’s something she enjoys and she says it helps pass the time.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Seems some more communication is needed. “It’s not a duet” is fkn hilarious though.
YTA. It ain’t even the singing, its the not talking to you. Just cause she wants to do something else when you want to talk doesn’t mean shes ignoring you. Understand, I find her “not a duet” comment offensive, but thats not your bugaboo, its just her not chatting on a car ride.
“Sometimes I try to sing along, but she’ll say something like “It’s not a duet” in a joking way but I know she means it.”
WOW ok based on the title I was ready to condemn you for hating joy but she just became the asshole in a major way, is she like this about other stuff??
I love to sing in the car & get sad anytime someone starts singing with me then stops again, makes me feel like I threw them off key : (
NTA
(eta: also this has the energy of a girl in middle school who heard me singing & asked “oh who sings that song?” I told her & she said “oh let’s keep it that way”
fuck her especially)
NTA
I can understand how it could be bothersome to have your passenger singing/ignoring your attempts to talk! It sounds like you’re semi-okay with it if it’s quiet. I’d say have another conversation about it, pushing the point that you feel ignored. Maybe make a compromise, on the way somewhere, she has free rein of the radio, and on the way back, you guys have a nice conversation!
There are exceptions if you both aren’t really feeling like talking ofc. I’d say just be open and honest. You don’t dislike her singing, you just feel left out.
> Sometimes I try to sing along, but she’ll say something like “It’s not a duet” in a joking way but I know she means it.
this here makes you NTA 100%
she isn’t singing to have fun or bring joy to the world. she just loves to hear her own voice and wants a captive audience. that’s not cool
Every time she starts, stop.
NTA for this, but do tell your girlfriend in a nice way. Tell her that you want her to stay on the conversation as well, as you feel ignored about it.
NTA. If its your coar, put in your music, something that you are sure she wont know the words to.
Who sings this song? Why don’t we let them sing it?
NTA and I’m cringing at the thought of someone doing that while I’m driving, or anywhere for that matter. I don’t care if it’s Barbra Streisand is sitting next to me!
NTA, she’s not listening when you’re attempting to communicate to her, she’d rather do what she wants than allow a meaningful conversation between the two of you. if you haven’t brought it up in a super serious way, i’d recommend sitting her down to talk about it in a way that expresses the feeling of being ignored and how hurtful it is when she cuts you off to sing rather than talk to you. there has to be a middle ground; if there isn’t one in something as simple as this, you two won’t last
NTA. I’d tell her while she’s having a great time singing, it’s like you are driving by yourself with the radio on: there is no conversation.
If she still doesn’t stop, I’d take the radio out.
NTA. But. You’re going to blow this, I can feel it. If you can’t be yourselves around each other, it’s not a great long term fit. Tread carefully, my friend.
The question is, how many years or decades will you be able to put up with this? Would you like it to go on for the rest of your life?
I was ready to vote in her favor because I love singing in the car and have very few people who I am comfortable doing so around, buttt it sounds like she is completely dismissing your presence and wanting to be in the spotlight for every car ride so NTA. I mean the “not a duet” joke is just way too much. Even if it really is a just a joke, that is obviously going to put you out and kill your mood.
NTA. Your girlfriend is giving life to the phrase “she loves hearing the sound of her own voice”. She sounds self centered.
She needs to learn to read the room. Just because she has a nice voice doesn’t mean that you or anyone else wants to hear it all the time.
If it’s you car you control the radio. No radio when you drive. The options are silence or conversation.
If she reacts negatively then she’s not such a “wonderful person”.
Please think about what you wrote. “…I really do feel lucky to have her in my life…”. I hope she feels luck to have you in her life. Don’t ignore bad or rude behavior because you think a person a a great catch.
I am an unrepentant car-singer and I even understand the frustration of really wanting to jam a song out when someone else wants to talk (my husband is a BIG talker).
But still: YWNBTA.
That said– I would be very specific to frame it around your feelings, not what you think she intends, wants, or means.
“Sometimes when you turn on the radio and sing in the car, you feel distant and unapproachable, and that makes me sad.” Or something like that. Not accusatory, not assuming anything, just how you feel. If your girlfriend cares about you, she’ll care how she makes you feel.
She might still get a little defensive to start with– don’t let her use rhetoric to back you into a corner where you have to apologize and soothe her hurt feelings. It’s okay if you guys have to come back to the conversation later after she has a little time to cool off and think it through. (“I’ve told you how I feel and I won’t apologize for that, but we can come back to this later when we’ve both had time to think about it more.”)
But don’t not have this conversation. You do not want to hold off until you explode and leave her wondering how you went from zero to 60 on this.
NTA. She’s an asshole because she didn’t make it 😭😭 she will probably force her kid to be a broadway star. She sounds rude and self-centered af. I would break it off.
Total high school choir diva. I should know I was in choir and musical theater in high school and college. And you got these semi talented amateurs who make that their thing. And the one thing they love the most is turning a car into a karaoke booth. Especially with a captive audience. Which is why it’s “not a duet”, because SHE is the singer here and you are the person who just sits there and “enjoys” her singing.
Eventually they keep doing it way too much and either get talked to about it or realize that people find them annoying instead of cool and talented and then they start singing like normal people.
Depending on how much of her self-esteem is wrapped up in the idea of people thinking that she is an amazing and talented car singer, calling her out on it could tank your relationship.
Nta
Sounds like she needs to be a “soloist” in her daily life so you should just let her go🎤
Oh boy. NTA. She cuts you off when you try to sing along by using the excuse “it’s not a duet”?? A song doesn’t have to be written as a duet for people to enjoy singing together! People do it all the time whether it be on a road trip, at a concert, while cooking dinner, etc.
Your girlfriend seems oblivious or really self centered. I’m thinking the latter as you’ve tried to communicate your needs and concerns. I’m sorry, but you two might not be compatible for the long run.
“It’s not a duet”.
That just about sums up your relationship. You are superfuous to her. Move on. She doesn’t need you. She is in love with herself.
NTA
Welp.. I guess it’s time to remove your radio from the car.
Just put on some Slayer and call it a day. Good luck singing along to that rofl.
NTA
Her response about you singing is bs and people who encourage others to have joy in music won’t do that. Sounds like you’re gf just likes the sound of her own voice and thinks everyone else should too. Maybe she has perfect pitch and hearing someone sing badly hurts her physically, idk, but if you have to sit through the discomfort of feeling ignored, then she can sit through the discomfort of sharps and flats. If singing in the car is gonna be a thing, then it’s an everyone thing. If she can’t handle that, then she needs to learn how to hold it in. But, mostly it’d just be nice if she weren’t a thief of joy.
As a side note: I hate being trapped in a car with someone who wants to have a conversation I don’t want to have. I’m not talking about every conversation, but some people use the car as an excuse to get someone in a place where they can’t walk away. I’m also not saying you do that, at least not intentionally, but it could be something that bothers her.
nta she is not your person, break up and find the person for you
Wow, NTA, but at first, I thought it was going to go the other way.
You were the one who turned the music on, so leave it off in future if you want to talk, and express directly that you would like to talk on the way home. If she’s a good, kind partner, then she will respect that. I was a music major in college, so if a great song comes on, I’m immediately distracted and excited by that, making it a less than ideal environment and moment to have a deep conversation. Music is probably in the forefront for her, not in the “background” like it is for you. That being said, I do know how to be aware of a situation and when to check myself, and it sounds like she may be missing some of those social cues.
Successful relationships require honest communication. You need to tell her that the “not a duet” comment was hurtful, and that it’s not okay to make you be her captive audience. If she wants to sing in the car, then you should also be able to participate. However, if you like to talk in the car, then you should do a 50/50 compromise. “Let’s chat on the way there, and we can sing all the way home.”
Ask her if there’s a reason why she doesn’t like chatting in the car. Did she have a challenging childhood that would make her not want to have any potentially serious conversations in a small and enclosed space? Is she anxious while riding with you and trying to distract herself? Find out if there’s something more going on here, so that you can better understand.
She sounds like she has a lot of other great qualities, so this one difference doesn’t have to be a deal breaker, as long as you guys can communicate, compromise, respect, and support each other. I suspect that she is completely unaware of how much this is truly bothering you, so maybe you should sit down and thoroughly talk it out. Don’t just throw out some off-handed comments here and there. Actually sit and talk through it and figure out a solution that is workable for both of you.
Good luck!
NTA and I was ready to swing the other way. It became NTA bc she is being rude about the singing and interrupting and stopping convos so she can sing. I would say YTA if it’s simply the singing but she is being disrespectful and you are asking a reasonable thing in a reasonable manner
NTA her “not a duet” comment flips the whole situation and she is TA.
Have you had a conversation with her fully explaining what you said here?
Maybe you can compromise. She can sing on the way to a place, and on the way home, no singing. It sounds like you don’t mind her singing, so much as that she’s always singing in the car and you want a break from it.
Time to discover if she’s a fan of GG Allin or Lamb of God. Will she sing along to David Allan Coe?
I think you’re NTA to feel bothered by it and I think you should put it in terms to her that it makes you feel ignored and not happy when you cant even join in! Her response will tell you everything!
For some musically inclined people who recognize tunes, it can be really hard to ignore them. When a song I know and like is playing, it can be really hard for me to focus on a conversation because my brain is automatically tuning into it. Its almost like Andy from the office when he’s signing the sign names and has to finish the tune (as much as I hate him! xD).
I just wanted to share that from the perspective of someone who struggles with that. If my boyfriend told me it hurt his feelings I would def do everything in my power to control it, putting on other music or talk radio could help. If she doesnt do that for you thats not cool.
You can’t do this without being an asshole. Learn to love every part of her. You can try to set limits, like every so often take a break, but you’ll most likely hurt her feelings. NTA though. We all like different things.
NTA, but you have to stop worrying about being “too sensitive”. Don’t be passive aggressive or avoidant about it. It really does bother you, she needs to know.
You have to sit her down, have a conversation and tell her WHY this bothers you. Don’t make it about her, what you think her intentions are.. it’s not even about the singing. Explain how it makes YOU feel.
From there, it gives her the opportunity and knowledge to check in with you next time – ‘hey babe, I’m totally into this song! everything ok?” Tell her in the moment what you feel. Be honest with yourself. She will get it. And go from there.
If you don’t do all that, it will build up inside you and she’ll wonder why you went from zero to 11 on the emotional scale.
If it’s your car, turn the music off. Not down, OFF. Every time she turns it on, turn it off.
Show her your post!!! Do it !
The issue isn’t the singing, it’s the consistently wanting to do her own thing rather then converse when you try to talk to her
“I just got into this band called Pig Destroyer. check it out!”
Overall Nta. A factor to me that I’m not privy to is are you always driving? I don’t want the passenger touching the volume. I don’t mind picking the music, but for me, volume control is the drivers. You can ask if we can turn it up, but if I’m the one focusing on the road, I’m in control of that knob as well as the steering wheel.
NTA. She’s a narcissist. I dated a guy like that. Try to have a conversation with him and he’d just look at me and sing over me. Then when I would tell him he was being rude “I’m a musician, I can’t help it”. No, you’re a self centered dick.
Start listening to music she doesn’t like in the car 🤷♂️