TL;DR I think my married colleague has a crush on me and I don’t know what to do
Hello everyone!
This might be a long post. Also throwaway account because he uses reddit!!
I (30F) have met my married colleague (30M) when I moved to a new state a couple of years ago for work. We started working together when I joined his team. We had many things in common and we’re the same age so we vibed immediately and also he mentioned that he’s married and he always talks about his wife so I thought he won’t assume I’m hitting on him or anything like that. We usually have lunch together and we met a few times after work and we just have friendly chats nothing too deep.
After a few months of talking to him and him mentioning his wife in many of our conversations I asked him if he can introduce me to her because she sounds like a great person and I just moved to this new city where I don’t know anyone. I’m generally a quiet shy person ( I don’t go out often, I don’t party and I don’t drink) I asked him to introduce us since I’m trying to make new friends. He didn’t say no but he kept stalling and one time we were talking and he said he doesn’t like mixing his personal and professional life so I got the hint and I never brought up the subject again.
Recently, he told me that his wife wants to meet me and we did meet and she is an amazing person. But when we met the 3 of us he acted like he doesn’t even know me, he was so cold to me and uninterested in joining our conversation which was nothing like his usual self. I met his wife a few times after that just the 2 of us ( and we still hang out till now) and in every single time he expresses his discomfort with me spending time with her for no particular reason.And this is where things started clicking in my head. I don’t know if I’m being too anxious and reading too much into this but I am not interested in him and most importantly I don’t want to hurt any other woman this way.
The things that I noticed are: he mentioned that he was dating his wife for many years and only got married last year because of some legal stuff, they didn’t even have a wedding they eloped ( which is not a problem in itself but he said that she wanted to have a wedding and he didn’t) Whenever he talks about his marriage he mentions divorce and how they could break up one day. I find this really weird because why would you enter a relationship while thinking of breaking up?? He also mentioned more than once that he doesn’t want kids maybe he will one day but definitely not now but when I was hanging out with his wife she said she’s so excited about trying for kids soon and she said she knows he loves her and will support her through this. Is he lying to me about not wanting kids? if so why would he do that? or is he lying to his wife and getting her hopes up for nothing? There are also the small signs like lingering eye contact and attention to details and a hint of jealousy when I talk to other male colleagues which I always dismiss.
One event that comes to mind that I didn’t really think about last year but I should have is: we were sitting with a few of our colleagues and we were talking about home and feeling like we’re home, our colleague said I don’t have a home now so I asked her “is your wife out of town?” she said yes (she always refers to her wife as her home! cute!) but he got weird and agitated and when I asked him what’s wrong he said don’t ask me out loud if my wife is not around people will assume we’re meeting behind her back!!! I wasn’t even talking to him???? I don’t know what got into his mind to jump into that conclusion and why would people assume that. That day I laughed it off and just cleared the misunderstanding but thinking about it now that was not a normal reaction.
So, my question is am I reading too much into this? And if my instinct is right how do I keep my distance? We’re friendly at work yes but I almost never talk to him outside of work, I try to keep my distance and I mentioned that I was starting to go on a few dates with other men so he won’t get any ideas. Any help is much appreciated!!
Comments
Let your connection with his wife be on her terms. If she reaches out, fine but don’t initiate too often for now. You don’t want to get caught in the middle of their potential drama.
Trust your gut, it’s usually right. Maintain professional boundaries and keep the personal talk to a minimum. You got this!
Trust your gut, it’s usually right. Maintain professional boundaries and keep the personal talk to a minimum. You got this!
Sounds like you need some distance, stat. Keep the relationship professional and avoid spending unnecessary time together. Let his wife know if he ever crosses a line. Trust your gut!
Avoid both of them. Find new friends. You are already in their drama bc of things he’s said to you. Step away and wish them well.
Him having or not having a crush on you is not your problem. Especially since you don’t see him that way. If you want to take distance from him just be professional at work and slowly cool down the talks that aren’t about work. Try to minimize the times where it’s just the 2 of you during lunches, sit with more colleagues. And focus on your life and the things that make you happy, this should not be a thing to worry about since it’s about his feelings. He should figure those out himself. Also, if he ever acts inappropriately towards you just try to (friendly) call it out in the moment, mention if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Yeah his wife knows nothing about you guys being friends and she would stop it right away if she knew
Sounds like he’s projecting his own anxieties onto you. Stay clear, carry on being just friends with his wife. Let the truth find its own way out.
Gradually reduce your one-on-one lunches with him by either including more people, or pairing up with other co-workers for lunch, or claiming you have to go run an errand, or being too busy to have lunch with him, and taking your lunch earlier or later. It’s okay to maybe once a week have lunch with him, but not more than that.
Keep your chats to very bland neutral topics like TV shows or movies, or plans for a vacation with your family months from now, or joining activities to meet new people. Do not ever talk about dating or dating apps or your personal social life.
If his wife is lonely, and you like her, then sure make plans to do things like going to a movie with her. But make a big show of asking her to invite him. And maybe you two together can expand your social group, so that she has other people to do things with.
I have no idea what the backstory is with their marriage, but I am worried that they are not on the same page, and your colleague is being deceptive to you both. Of course he is worried about you two hanging out, because he knows that what he’s told you doesn’t match what she’s telling you, and he is afraid you’re going to tell her that he’s downplayed the marriage and stated he doesn’t want kids.
If you can, I would seriously try to get promoted up or laterally away from this guy. If he thinks you are a threat to him (via what you could say to his wife) and he realizes you are never going to have an affair with him he could start to undermine you. Keep an eye out for that happening. He could express a slight disappointment in some work you did, to your boss or others, implying you are disorganized or sloppy or late, or needed a lot of help. People accomplish a lot of bad things via subtle murmurs. If he gets you fired then you are no longer a threat.
They obviously gotta break up lol.
He sounds like he’s neurodivergent and struggling to switch from professional to personal and it’s giving him anxiety.
I’m not friends with coworkers, the rules at work are very different from the rules of queer life.
If you like his wife, I suggest telling him, hey let’s stick with being colleagues and I’ll be your wife’s friend.
You’re not reading too much into it. His behavior is suspiciously like he is thinking about having an affair or already having an emotional affair.
I don’t suggest usually having lunch with him. Maybe you can start by having plans a little more often and gradually letting him drop off your schedule.
If there is some really compelling reason you need to be around this guy professionally, I would definitely stop talking about relationships at all. Confiding in you about his marriage is a step toward emotional intimacy.
I think asking to meet the wife and then actually meeting her was a clear statement on your part that you do not want an affair. But you don’t know that he’s on the same page with you. It actually sounds like he isn’t.
This could get really messy especially since you’re now friends with her. I think the least awkward approach is a gradual freeze out. Nurture your relationship with her if you like while putting a little more relational distance between you and him every week.
Clear boundaries are key here – keep it professional at work and let him know any behaviour making you uncomfortable isn’t okay. You’re not overthinking, you’re protecting your peace.
Oh please 🙄 just ignore it or speak up and tell them it’s inappropriate.