Dear Community,
Context:
I find myself in an extremely stupid situation. I (27M) am currently in an intensive dating phase with a colleague (32F) (stupidity #1), which has directly followed the end of my last relationship (stupidity #2). Actually, both parties had agreed to take their time over the summer so that nothing would be rushed and the current situation would not arise. Unfortunately, that didn’t work out at all.
I know that it’s absolutely stupid and unfair on my part and that I completely lacked self-discipline. Unfortunately, I’m currently in a very shitty phase of my life and couldn’t muster the necessary mental and emotional clarity to rein it all in.
Anyway, we’ve been seeing each other very regularly for about 6 weeks, at first I deliberately started everything on neutral ground (walks without physical contact etc), but unfortunately this very quickly turned physical and two weeks ago I was sleeping there every night. Absolutely antisocial – but it probably distracted me from my current very fragile state. Now it’s like a switch has been flipped and I realize that I’m absolutely not ready for a relationship and the living situations just don’t fit (age difference, child, she has strong contact with ex/father, I often think about my last relationship…). I also realize that there are still some feelings Feelings for my ex
I should have put a lot more work into it too. I think that’s exactly what made the pace and intensity of the current dating phase – it distracted me. Now I’m on vacation alone and it’s as if a wall has been torn down inside me. She of course knew about the recent breakup etc!!! I brought up the subject of the ex or the child’s dad and it resulted in very difficult communication, which also put me off (she said “you’re annoying me” after I expressed my concerns very carefully).
I really feel like absolute shit and am just kind of putting off directly hurting the nights person. I idealized the differences in life situations when I was in love and therefore never addressed them or told her about them, sometimes even when she asked (e.g. her child). This is mega unfair and now I’m thinking about how I can communicate this and pull the ripcord before she gets even more emotionally involved (she already said that she can imagine a shared apartment and family – after 6 weeks…). The situation as a colleague doesn’t make it any easier, but it’s simply my own fault and I seem to be absolutely immature and stupid emotionally.
My question to you is:
How detailed would you be in the conversation? How much should I reveal? I think saying, for example, that it’s not right with the child, after that is one of her biggest worries and has “worked well” for the time being, would absolutely destroy her emotionally. Is a “it’s not the right time so soon after my separation and the structures you’re still in with dad xy” enough?
Should I think about therapy if I go this far with a person and don’t realize or dare to address problems before hand? The sudden switch between “completely in love” and “0 feelings” ich simply scares me. I feel so incredibly shitty and know that she won’t see it coming and will be extremely devastated….
Tldr: Feelings suddenly lost in dating phase. It was very intense and I never addressed my insecurities. How can I sort this out?