Quick backstory for context: Myself (36M) and my fiancée (38) have been together 8 years. The first two years were bliss. Love at first sight kinda thing. I was then diagnosed with a very serious form of cancer that sent me spiraling personally. She never left my side, was always there for me, and helped me through some very dark times. I believe we became co-dependent, if we weren’t already initially. It has taken us a long time to recover from cancer, both individually and as a couple. We went through some difficult times but neither of us quit on eachother.
Since cancer, I have been on a very high dose of pain medication, which I have been slowly titrating off. So between many other medications, and the pain meds, I have not been sober this entire time. I endured a lot of trauma over the past five years (and previously from Crohn’s disease since I was 14) and it has obviously affected me in many ways. She was abandoned by her mother when she was young – so she has been dealing with that her entire life, on top of taking care of me this past five years. So there is a lot of trauma between the two of us.
There has been a lot of growth also. I have been in therapy for clinical depression for the past three years, and she has sought out her own therapy for the past couple of years to help her deal with what she has had to endure. Naturally, we are not the same people as we were before this. This is more relevant for me at the moment because I am “waking up” from the whole situation because I am off 90% of my medication and as close to sober as I have been.
Due to my chronic illness from when I was young, I have had a delayed maturity, or delayed personal development if you will. I basically lost five years of my life, and I’ve woken up and have finally had some stability in my life. Now I’m trying to learn about the person who I am now. Obviously a lot has changed between the two of us over this past five years. She is at the point where she knows who she is, and what she wants. I’m at the point where I have a general idea of who I am, but I am not as sure about what I want.
This is where I am having trouble moving forward. I am trying to figure out what I want at this point in my life, but I don’t know how to do it in a relationship. We have always done everything together. I lost my independence during and after cancer, which I am now attempting to reclaim. But I don’t know how. I feel guilty leaving her, even just going for a joyride alone in the middle of the night.
I know I need to establish new boundaries, but she’s always pushed back on it. She is still concerned I’m going to hurt myself, or I’m not in the right state of mind to drive (and rightly so). The power balance in the relationship has been seriously tilted since cancer, and it’s not easy for me to get back on an even keel because I lost the confidence I used to have. And I feel guilty separating myself from her to do my own thing.
I’m literally not the same guy I was before. My confidence and self-esteem have vanished. Even though I beat ridiculous odds and survived some truly awful, painful, terrible shit. It just feels to me like it would be easier for me to heal and find what direction I’m heading now (personally and professionally) if I was I alone. I feel terrible saying that. I truly love this woman and I only want the best for her. And I know she wants the best for me. I just don’t know how to do what I need to do if I’m not in an isolated bubble. For example, I want to go out and meet new people – I’ve been socially starved for years. She would rather stay at home, and would probably be jealous if I did go out. Or I want to go do “x” hobby, but she turns on my fav. netflix show and I don’t have the self-discipline to resist. That’s friction I don’t want to deal with.
I can barely put myself together at this point – I can’t deal with anything outside of my own self. Energy is a very limited resource for me, and I feel selfish not being able to give more of myself to her. She knows about how I feel about myself, and the situation I am finding myself in. We talk about it. It still feels like either I’m self-sabotaging, or she tries to test my resolve if I deviate from the norm.
Just looking for some third-person input, on my attempt to explain a very nuanced situation.
TL;DR How do I individually grow while being in a relationship that has been through a lot of trauma, when I have lost all confidence, self-esteem, and energy.
Comments
Have you talked to her about this? Have you talked about what you want your life to look like? Ie: going out/adventures/hobbies/etc? That’s probably step one.
Step 2: it’s easy to blame someone else for not being able to prioritize yourself. But you are still the one making the choice. Practice making yourself the priority – read ‘let them’- make plans to go out, invite her, if she doesn’t want to go, go solo, let her be mad. Her reaction and how you feel doing things will give you more info about the relationship.
Step 3: when you’re prioritizing yourself and living the life you want/being your best self then you can decide whether or not the relationship is still viable. In a long term partnership we have to have room for growth. And in any stage we can’t blame others for ‘not letting us’. If you’re able to find the space within the relationship to grow or if she grows with you – great. If it leads to lots of conflict and unhappiness, then you have an answer as well.
Sounds like there’s a lot to unpack here.
Start with baby steps. Have an honest conversation with her about your needs, including social needs.
And help her explore her feelings as they arise.
You have the right to have a social life, to have friends and other connections.
Also it’s worth exploring why do you feel guilty when you think of breaking up with her?