My partner (27M) and I (26F) have been together for about a year and a half. I’ll say this from the jump- he’s a really good hearted person who has put a ton of effort into our relationships. He’s a hard worker, he’s committed to self-improvement and dedicated to our relationship, and he loves me a lot. All of my friends who have met him love him and think he’s great for me.
So- what’s the issue? Well, I think it’s me.
I can’t bring myself to introduce him to my family and I freeze up when they ask. He’s got an “unconventional” appearance (very visible tattoos), and my family is little stuffy and conservative and gets squirmy about things like that. He also comes from a difficult upbringing and lower socioeconomic status, and some mixture of circumstance and poor choices (which he takes full accountability for) have put him in the situation of being what they would consider “behind” in life. He doesn’t have a degree yet and is still only pursuing his Associate’s, and he works what they would see as a “menial” job at a gym (full-time and on a managerial track, but nonetheless). He doesn’t have much money and is only now beginning to fix his admittedly lacking financial health. They won’t like his appearance or lack of education and career advancement, and I think their more closed minds will misunderstand his quiet demeanor and current life circumstances.
I’m from a very “white bread” middle class suburban world- I went to college right out of high school and have a “career” job. I also come from a poor track record with men (including one DV situation), and while my partner isn’t any of those things, I fear that they simply won’t understand and will assume the worst. (This track record is why it is so important and significant to me that my friends and social community think so highly of him).
As a result, I’ve simply avoided merging the two worlds. I have my life with my friends and partner, and then I have the holidays and events I share with my family. It’s worked somewhat okay, but it’s far from perfect. I feel awful, because I know that he feels excluded and left out from my family, and while he’s been understanding, I’m sure it hurts him.
What can I do? How can I find some courage and be upfront with everyone? I don’t know how to manage these feelings, but I feel incredibly guilty all the time and this weighs really heavily on me. I know I’m being shitty to him for this, and I’m not sure what to do.
TL;DR- boyfriend’s surface qualities don’t mesh with my family, and I haven’t introduced him to them as a result. I feel guilty and unsure how to overcome this issue.
Comments
You learn to stand up to your family or you break up with him. It’s not fair to him that you hide him from your family. He deserves someone who is proud of him and able to advocate for him if he’s being unfairly judged.
I suggest learning to care less about what your family thinks. Instead of trying to get them to change their minds, just let them be wrong about him and give their opinions less power.
Are your family really so committed to surface level judgements that they would reject a man who is good to you and makes you happy? If so, they learned the exact wrong lesson from your past relationships. Their assumptions are jeapordizing a good, safe relationship. If he was shitty, you would still feel the need to hide him from their assumptions and judgement, and that isolation would put you at more risk. So however you square it, you need to stop catering to their biases. They are singlehandedly creating this problem and you are allowing it.
He deserves better, you should break up with him. He doesn’t even sound like he’s doing bad in life. A LOT of people didn’t go to college at all and are successful. The fact that he’s working full time and on track to be in a manager position? You’re reaching. If you want someone you deem better than what you have then by all means get it . Stop hurting this dude cause you’re afraid of your weird and out-of-touch family.
Oh and btw tattoos are hot
Is there a reason why you need to introduce him to your family? Are y’all planning on moving in or tying the knot? I’m gonna go against the grain and say your family doesn’t need to see every man that’s ever part of your romantic life, especially if they’re conservative and stuffy. Sure if it seems like he’s gonna be the forever guy go ahead but otherwise I feel like you’re just opening a can of worms.
Talk honestly with your partner, start small with family, and put your relationship first, not their opinions