I (26M) have been dating my girlfriend (22F) for 9 months.
We started out strong good chemistry, great connection, fun sex life. She was working as a waitress; I had just launched my startup. We were both figuring things out.
Then around month 4, she just stopped going to work. No heads-up. When I asked why, she told me “the job didn’t align with her purpose.” Cool, I respect wanting more from life.
But then I find out the real reason: some regular customer promised her a receptionist job at a company he was “starting soon.” That company never happened. Guy disappeared.
She’s been jobless ever since.
Meanwhile, I’m here working odd jobs, scraping every coin to keep us afloat. My business isn’t stable. It barely makes enough.
I apply for jobs on her behalf, redid her CV, checked sites she’s just picky. Nothing ever feels “right.”
Here’s where it gets worse:
She lives in an *overpriced one-bedroom apartment*. I used to cost-share with a friend, but I figured moving in with her would be cheaper, more convenient.
Big mistake. I’ve brought up the idea of moving to a cheaper place *multiple times*. But she shuts it down every time, saying she’s gonna “get a job soon” and start contributing. That job has never come.
At one point, we had an argument… I admitted how hard it’s been living with her. Yeah, I know… dick move.
I own that. But then she flipped it and told me *she’s not even sure if I’m ready to be with her*… as if I haven’t been breaking my back to keep us from drowning.
Now I’ve finally landed a deal not life-changing, but it’ll bring in decent money. I’m thinking, rent secured, food covered, maybe I finally join that cybersecurity bootcamp I’ve been eyeing.
But all she talks about is going on fancy dates to places she sees on TikTok. Says I’m unromantic. Stingy. Boring.
And man, that’s not even the full picture.
The sex? Basically dead.
She’s never in the mood anymore. And I get it life’s stressful. Mental health. Financial pressure. I respect that.
But I told her early in the relationship how much sex means to me. I tried to communicate, not pressure her. But even *masturbating* is off-limits she’s weirdly against it.
So now I’m:
* Paying rent for an overpriced apartment I didn’t choose
* Feeding two people off scraps
* Not getting laid
* Not allowed to relieve myself
* Being called stingy and unromantic
* And pushing my dreams (bootcamp, business growth) to the backburner
**Am I just being a dick? Or am I finally realizing this relationship is draining the life out of me?**
I love her. I really do. But I feel like I’m carrying someone who wants to live a TikTok lifestyle on my broke-ass student hustle. And I’m running out of steam.
EDIT:
I really appreciate everyone taking time to read and offer advice. I wasn’t even sure if posting this was the right move but seeing different perspectives even the hard truths mean a lot. So, thank you for being honest with me.
And I’ve actually brought all of this up with her before especially the part about sex, intimacy, and how I’ve been feeling overall.
But every time I try, she gets defensive or just shuts down the conversation. It’s like she’s either unwilling or unable to talk about it seriously.
I’m not trying to attack her I just want openness. If things are hard for her mentally or emotionally, I’d rather know and face it together than keep walking on eggshells, wondering if I’m asking for too much.
Comments
Tell her how you feel lil big bro
If you don’t communicate how you feel with her she won’t know. She isn’t a mind reader. Though if she listens to how you feel and pushes it off, I recommend start looking into new places to live. Or maybe say hey I like being with you but us living together doesn’t work out (but say this if you already have a place lined up) idk just ideas
Sounds very overwhelming and unsustainable.
Not a dick IMO. If you can’t communicate this to her then really nothing is gonna change. So if you feel like this is not bringing you joy, then leave.
Bruh your getting walked all over. This doesn’t sound like a good relationship at all. I’d move tf out see ya, she can ruin her life by not doing anything but she’s going to bring you down with her. That whole guy offered receptionist job and ghosted is sketch too. Fuck that.
I know how difficult it is to get a partner these days my dude, but you need to run 100% get out of there if she can’t even communicate then thats a wrap. Also maybe I’m a dick but you aren’t even getting anything out of the relationship she’s just going to drag you down.
Either have a straightforward conversation with an ultimatum that she needs to do something or leave. I wouldn’t even have taken this from someone I was with for 11 years let alone 9 months.
You already know the answer man. She is attempting to drag you down into a state you are clearly have no desire to be at. It’s not worth it. She’s living in a fantasy world that isn’t sustainable or realistic. Especially if she’s not willing to put in the work for it. Sounds like she might never be satisfied and nothing is ever good enough for her.
Man that’s a terrible situation to be in. Better leave and enjoy the freedom until you find an actual human being to be with! She’s using and controlling you like crazy
Just walk away bro it’s not gonna workout
You shouldn’t have left your stability for her unstable self. Always get the full picture before making a decision, for next time. Yeah break up with her though, she’s not worth it.
bro take action. you’re the person bringing in the food, rent and most needed stuff, maybe you’re being generous, but she doesnt even know if “you’re ready to be with her” ?? clear redflag bro.
give her a deadline to secure a job, if she says no. move out whether shes gonna be with you or not.
Everything financial should be split 50/50 contribution. She needs to get a job, you need to grow some balls.
Congratulations, you now know what being a man and dating a woman is like and that’s not even one of the bad endings
Dude no one can tell you what to do with your own body. Please stand up for yourself- she needs to get a job and you will be rubbing one out as you please.
Unfortunately we all have to work- almost no one feels like their job aligns with who they are. Life is more expensive than ever- if she won’t work that’s a huge red flag. She’s taking advantage of you. You need to set a boundary and figure out a job deadline. She can get another waitress job tomorrow if she wants.
You are going places… just not with her. So choose.
Waking up. Honestly, it sounds like this relationship has run its course. I’m sure there were good times, but things have changed and it doesn’t sound like you have the same goals in life anymore. If she’s not working now when she’s young, it’s highly unlikely she’ll start later.
From experience, I can tell you this gets worse with marriage. I stuck this scenario out several times through college, post college and marriage. My SO quit their well paying corporate job to pursue their “passion” and it’s been a family time and financial drain for many years. During COVID I begged them to get another job since their business was shut down and every option they gave me the “that job doesn’t work for me” answer. Guess what? They never got that extra job and they constantly ask if I’ve asked for a raise.
Listen to your gut. This does not get better.
Women like this ain’t it bro, leave her. You’ll find much better.
Mate. I think she is a controlling and manipulating gold digger. But she’s digging where there is no gold. I would give her a hard deadline. She needs to get a job, or you leave her since you cannot keep burning yourself out. This is not healthy. I’m not even talking about no sex and not being allowed to do it yourself? I bet she does it herself all the time and she might even be cheating on you. So she is not sex starved but asks you to starve yourself from sex.
You need to see the red flags now through those rose tinted glasses. What does she bring to the table in this relationship? As far as I can see, no money and no sex. Now that you got a deal that brings you some extra cash she wants to waste it to go on fancy dates at fancy restaurants? What a stupid idea. Is she even thinking about putting some money towards savings? I’m sure she doesn’t.
Now does she even take care of the household? Like cleaning up, cooking, other household things? If not then what is her purpose in life?
OP I think she is really just a lazy useless piece of [insert whatever you want] that we call human. She doesn’t seem to do anything really useful and is not willing to work. This is not a healthy relationship and you should consider your options before she makes it worse. If she wants to go on fancy dates, then she needs to step up and work for those wishes.
Leave her
Find a place that is calming
And rub one out before getting after life
RUN! While you are still young!
2 things:
Where were you living before? Go back there, or find your own place. If you still want to be with her then, move her into your place that you can afford with or without her there
Men are loyal to their responsibilities, not their emotions.
Women are loyal to their emotions, not their responsibilities
If she can’t even openly TALK about the relationship, it’s going to be a big struggle to get her to DO anything.
You put your time, effort and all your money into this relationship and by the sounds of it she won’t even compromise and calls you names, you really deserve to be treated better. 😬
Big dawg, be real for a second. This is a grown ass adult, YOU are a grown ass adult. You don’t love this girl, you are attached. Let it go.
She is NOT the one, I get it man. I really do, what you must be feeling. But I can tell you this, this shit WILL destroy you. She needs to grow up, and she can only do that, without you. She can’t rely on you.
It’s hard as shit, but if you truly believe she’s the one. Against all odds. You need her to live alone. You need her to work for herself.
If not for you, for her sake. You need to leave, because she needs to be an adult with responsibilities and consequences.
You need to run ASAP. This woman destroy your life, your self esteem, your dreams and will blame you for it. Just break, you don’t need to go through this. A normal human being won’t act like this in relationship.
I see a lot of comments from dudes, as a woman- shits embarrassing. You have the means to get a job and you’re obsessing over dates on TikTok? She’s dead weight.
I’m lazy as hell and if I didn’t work, I’d communicate it to my partner that I wanna be a stay at home. I wouldn’t just quit my job and go “yea uh mmmm I don’t wanna do that or that or that or that” but in a situation like that, I’d read the room and get a job and pitch in where I can. That’s part of teamwork, a relationship. She should know that or relationships won’t go far for her.
I’d leave, as harsh as it is I’m 23 and I wouldn’t be caught dead depending on someone like that. What if you decided to leave? She’s screwed and that’s her fault for spending time goofing off
Bruh you’re obviously being used, leave her and fast. Get you an apartment and take everything you paid for
She sounds terrible, and the way you describe her suggests that’s how you really feel about her.
What do you actually like about her?
I know it’s hard, but I’d be breaking up with her. You’re too young to have to deal with this bullshit, and she’s too old to be totally dependent on you.
She’s been jobless for more than half of the relationship. She has no say if she hasn’t been paying rent for months. Honestly, I would rent a new place, tell her if she wants to be with you then come with you. If she doesn’t then she doesn’t love you and you just dodged two bullets. If she does then hopefully that means she’s willing to put in the work to change.
Sometimes, when you’re in a relationship you have a certain idea of, you forget the following truth:
If you care about your partner, talking about problems is easy. Listening is easy. If your partner makes these two out to be difficult, they do it by choice. They don’t care about you. So, what is it, they care about then?
In this case it seems to be your money so they can live in that apt and have great vacations, she already introduced you to that demand. That includes, that she might leave you the second she finds someone who provides these needs more effortlessly (more money than you).
Meanwhile you wasted time, energy and money that you wanted to put into your own dreams into easing her guilt trip, maybe wasted important opportunities that won’t come back. Choose yourself.
The universe is telling you to end things with her, bro. You deserve someone who wants sex and has her own career.
Edit: also her gaslighting you and generally being unwilling to discuss major issues is a giant red flag.
As the old 70’s song goes “just slip out the back Jack, make a new plan Stan, don’t need to be coy Roy, you just listen to me. Or you hop on the bus Gus, no need to discuss much, or you drop off the key Lee – and get yoself…. free”
You are on the receiving end of a raised “princess”. Get out while you can.
Dont get trapped w her she is grooming you for much worse.
“Doesn’t align with her life’s purpose” = “I’m gonna be a famous influencer one day”
Either way, you lose. Either she succeeds and dumps you, or she fails and drains you.
That’s not even touching on the myriad of other issues you brought up.
This girl is a full-on walking billboard of red flags. Get out while you still can and build a future for yourself!
Sounds like you’re overwhelmed in an unsustainable situation with a partner who is going through something and leaning on you in multiple ways whilst being unreasonable.
You mentioned you tried to bring this up with her in the past multiple times. Maybe you need to make it more serious. Sit her down, tell her you need to talk and that you need her full attention. Explain to her everything in this post, do it in a nicer way if you have to, and give her a few things that you need her to start doing for the relationship to continue in a way that won’t drown you.
Whether that be getting a job, contributing to the household in some other way, allowing you to masturbate, not calling you derogatory terms involving your spending habits, allowing you to focus on your dreams, whatever.
Then, ask her what you can be doing differently. If she truly thinks you’re unromantic, ask her how she wants you to change that. If intimacy is an issue, ask her if there’s something you can be doing to make it easier on her maybe
I understand from your perspective that this feels very one sided in terms of who’s the issue. And it probably is. But if you’re gonna have a productive conversation, you need to bring her in on it and make it about the both of you as a relationship rather than about her faults, or her problems, or her issues that you’re dealing with. Frame it around keeping the relationship healthy, rather than alleviating yourself from her problems. It might help the whole defensive issue.
Both of you need to be willing to fix or change things. If she isn’t willing, than you need to leave and find someone who respects you enough to listen when you tell them there’s a problem and cares enough to try and work to a solution on that problem.
Sounds like she’s wearing the pants when you are the one who is paying for everything. Don’t let her boss you around with your money. If she wants to bark orders she needs to start earning some money instead of freeloading off of you.
You are the one paying and supporting both of you so you have the say of where you want to rent etc etc, if she doesn’t like it then she can go move out to her own place.
I would have been seriously offended and pissed off if someone called me stingy when I am busy supporting them while they do f all.
Sounds like she does absolutely nothing except use you, while you go above and beyond. Sorry if that’s not the case but that’s what it sounds like from your post. I would seriously rethink things
RUUUUN
Firstly, having an argument about your feelings is not a dick move. That’s a normal part of any relationship. Sure, you don’t want to be arguing every day, but it’s still a valid method of communicating when you reach that point.
Second, leave her ass, aside from the fact that she’s happy to sponge off you while you break your back. She’s clearly not invested in the same life goals as you. Call it quits and find some with some drive and desire for you and your life.
Good luck.
She’s a leech. You can do so much better. smh
Dude….. it is time to leave. There is no future for you in a relationship like this. It might hurt in the short time but if you stay as it is you will burn out and become resentful. The stress will effect your work and your social life as well.
You should start to plan your exit.
If you can’t have open and honest communication now, it’s unlikely to change. Can you imagine having to discuss significant matters in the future, only to be shut down? Not a healthy foundation to a relationship, imo.
Seems like fake propaganda to feed the woman-haters. Checking all the shitty controlling woman tricks man tropes.
If this is real, then leave her, obviously. It’s not a fit. I just can’t imagine someone who have to ask in this scenario.
How much is the rent? You pay 100 percent? Lease is in her name? You’re not on the lease? It’s good to identify your obligations and how long it takes to get out if this becomes a worst case scenario.
One thing to consider. I don’t like the hours of tiktok but it’s predictable for a female her age. Girls love tiktok. She has a pattern now. Coast and consider picking a job she “likes” if it presents itself. She doesn’t “have to work”.
It’s bad…if the sex was good, you’d probably move mountains and get (3) three jobs to maintain her lifestyle. But it’s moving towards a bad place. A heart to heart talk is needed as well as an exit strategy.
Imagine a marriage and more obligations? Geez, nope!
I have been there bro . It never gets better , just walk away and build a life worth living . We will find our person someday .
Leave her. The signs are there in neon colors. There are plenty of better women you haven’t found em yet. You gone wanna change some things about you so you don’t attract women like her.
dude you need to walk away, seems like she’s not in love with you
She’s just hanging until she finds something better meanwhile you’re taking care of her like a daddy (not in bedroom obv)
Leave.. only the sex would make it worth staying and you say there is none🫣
You had the chemistry but goals are not aligned.
She expects to be given a life without effort, because ahe either lives a fantasy it won’t come or her parents spoiled her to the point they didn’t raise an independent person.
I think you should give her an ultimatum, but meet your side of it, don’t just make a vague treath and when she doesn’t do her oart you cave in.
She should either try to survive with you or without you.
Maybe you are meant to get someone who would put effort and she is meant to get someone who would give her all without any effort (but at a high price all the way).