My parents have been divorced most of my (16m) life and my sister (19f) was pretty young at the time too. She remembers them together a little. After the divorce we split our time between mom and dad’s house. When I was 10 my mom started dating her now husband who has three kids. Me and my sister didn’t like him. We liked the guys mom had introduced us to before but her husband always rubbed both of us the wrong way. He’s a pretty big ass when he’s talking to people. Mom said it was because he was in the military but I don’t think everyone in the military talks to others like they’re giving orders 24/7. We’re not the only people who don’t like him. None of mom’s family likes him. A few of mom’s neighbors refuse to deal with him because they don’t like how he talks to them. And I know he lost one job because of the way he talks to others.
My mom ended up marrying him anyway and me and my sister hated it. As a result we tried to spend more time at dad’s but mom would never allow it and the courts frowned on it. My sister was almost 17 before a judge let her reduce her time at mom’s house. But I had to keep going.
When I was at mom’s house she’d always get on my case about not making more of an effort with her husband. She said he did so much and I could at least try to love him because he wasn’t as bad as me and my sister felt he was. I told her I’d never see why she loved him and that I just didn’t get it. Then I told her I would prefer to be in school every single day than spend even an hour with her husband. She asked me why I didn’t spend more time with his kids and I asked her why I would. They’re a lot younger than me and they were just her husband’s kids.
When I did interact with my stepsiblings I was nice. But I never tried to act like their brother or gave them false hope of a forever relationship. Because I knew even if mom stayed married I would be distant from her and her husband eventually.
Because of all this, when dad got a job offer in another state I begged him to take it and try to take me with him. My sister wanted to come with us since she had taken a gap year and was starting college in that town. So dad asked mom for permission and when she said no they went to court. This was months ago. The judge and a GAL asked me what I wanted and I told them I wanted to go with dad and my sister and I’d give anything to move with them. My mom knew what I said and she cried and asked me why I wanted to leave so bad. When the judge ruled dad could take me she used her last few custody visits to try and change my mind. She asked me how I could leave her and my stepsiblings and she said they were upset when she broke the news to them. She put it on me that they had lost so much already meaning their mom. Their mom’s still alive but she lost custody a few years back.
I told mom I didn’t want to stay there and I didn’t want to deal with her decisions anymore. I said she married a guy I didn’t like and was surprised when I didn’t want to be part of their family. But I said I didn’t and I couldn’t wait to leave.
After we moved my mom called almost every day and she’d let my stepsiblings call regularly too but I have reduced contact and ignore most of their calls. My plan is full no contact once I’m 18 which I can’t do yet because the court order states mom and I need to stay in touch at least once a week. Mom figured out what I was doing and she cried about it again and she told me to stop being a jerk and to work on things with my family. She told me her and the kids miss me and we’re a family whether I like it or not.
AITA?
Comments
NTAH
NTA. You’re not obligated to like her husband just because she does, and you’re definitely not obligated to play big brother to his kids.
NTA.
You really have no great need to be in contact with your mother. Just because she loves that man, doesn’t mean you have to.
Just keep doing bare minimum and bide your time. hopefully the next year will pass pretty fast for you. All the best
NTA. You have every right to choose where and with whom you feel safe and comfortable. It’s tough, but you can’t force family bonds, especially when there’s tension.
I dont like how your mother is trying to manipulate you and is weaponising her step children
NTA – but definatly document all this incase she tries to pull your dad back to court for alienation or something like that.
NTA
Yikes, your mom’s husband could give a TED Talk on how to win friends and influence people by scaring them away. I think you’re more than justified in wanting to escape that military drill sergeant vibe.
“No, mom, we stopped being family when you chose a jerk over both your kids. Now you’re just a manipulative AH who i will stop contact with the day I turn 18 and the court can’t force contact.”
NTA. You’re not the butthole here, at all. Your mother however, and her husband too. Good grief, your mom chose a dick of a man over her own kids and she wonders, after all the crap she put both of you through, for her gross relationship, why her own kids want nothing to do with her. Those people have zero self-awareness, you and your sister have my sympathy OP.
That no contact once you’re 18 will be the best for you and your own little family, your sister and your dad. Your mom can rot with her man all she wants, she chose him and made her kids suffer for him and because of him. Just keep that no contact when she’s old and needs someone to look after her, because then she’ll really try to crawl back for a caretaker, or even a future babysitter for her stepkids’ offspring someday.
Good luck OP.
Keep it cute until you’re 18. You have to have contact once a week but it doesn’t say for how long probably. So do the bare minimum.
ESH.
I’m not sure why you’re not willing to maintain some relationship with your mum separate from her husband and his kids. What has she done that deserves full no contact?
Nta. Your mom knew that you and your sister despised the guy and chose to ignore it and married him anyway.
Of course, she is allowed to love who she wants. However, sometimes, it comes with consequences, and this time, it is her relationship with her children, and she chose that she was ok with the risk of those consequences.
Updateme
NTA
NTA, your mom decided she wanted to form a new family with her husband and his kids. She cannot force you to accept them. Do the minimum ordered by the court and whatever you wish when you turn 18.
Why isn’t she asking her husband to change his attitude too?
He had years to demonstrate he wants a relationship with you and your sister, he did not step up to the role of cultivating one other than a disciplinarian.
He did nothing to cultivate relationships between the kids and you and sister.
He didn’t show any leniency in working towards blending the family.
Her home was a hostile place.
It’s on the adults to adult and build good relationships in the family by setting an example.
So you resigned you position as simple soldier,
Your bunk mates and you don’t actually share anything because the drill sergeant didn’t cultivate an environment that bonds you.
And mom just lost because she didn’t do the bare minimum of advocating you and insisting on a different parenting approach from him.
Nta
He never saw you guys as anything but subordinates,
She never realized that subordinates don’t grow warm and fuzzy feelings towards their boss and they definitely don’t feel loyalty towards those people running the boot camp.
Nta she’s very manipulative & you are only required to do whatever the court documents say. When you go nc at 18 there’ll be nothing she can do. Hang in there & keep your boundaries strong.
I noticed that you never mentioned that your stepdad missed you. I am sure that guy is a full-on AH. It’s a shame your mom is losing everyone over this guy.
Snort. “We’re family until the day I turn 18.”
NTA.
Your parents cannot control who you consider family. As long as you were polite, you’ve met your responsibility.
The court allowed you to choose, and you chose. Perhaps, if your mom wanted you so much, she should have chosen you over someone you don’t like.
You married a man your kids didn’t like. You married a man your family didn’t like. You married a man your neighbors didn’t like. You married a man who his coworkers don’t like. You chose the horse’s @$$. Nobody but you wants anything to do with him. And as long as you keep choosing him over everyone else, he’s all you get.