So for some context 21f and my bf is 23 he’s my second boyfriend ever we’ve known each other for 2 years been together for 1 year but before dating I’ve put on some boudaries about sex no sex at all, affection cuddles kisses and physical affection are great, i love him very much (we live seperatly i live alone and he lives with his family) i am not asexual for me sexual intimacy is very important and i feel like one year into a relationship is not very long am still young and we don’t even live together.
We’ve never had a fight we can bicker here and there but we’ve always communicated enough to not snowball it into a fight.
So yesterday i invited him for a date we had a great afternoon and night, at my place after the date he wanted to talk to me he said that he had issues with the no sexual intimacy boundary and said that if i was a virgin he would understand but am not and he got a bit angry because he doesn’t understand why even tho i had sex with my ex and feels like i don’t trust him for intimacy, i told him well first off i only had oral sex with my ex after 3 years of being together and while i understand his anger it’s something that he knew beforehand what my boundary and after some back and forth i told him “well if you aren’t happy with this maybe we should just breakup because neither of us will get what we want” we didn’t talk after this and in the morning he went to his parents, now we haven’t talked but i think am gonna breakup ? We have a really good relationship and i still have feelings for him but am not gonna bend my rule but i may have reacted like an asshole, am i the asshole ?
EDIT 1: since people are saying that I manipulated him and lead him on I specifically stated to him in the beginning to not expect sex with me ever and it’s fine if he’s not okay with it and he accepted ? How is that leading him on ? Pls explain
Comments
You’re not the asshole you’re just being honest about your needs and boundaries, which is exactly what healthy relationships require.
You don’t have to date anyone you don’t want to.- same goes with him. NTA
NTA. Your boundaries are valid.
NAH, but frankly, if you aren’t having sex after 1 year, you probably will be incredibly limited when it comes to partners. Are you super religious? Because that’s pretty much the only kind of partner you will be able to get, and that might be limited by the previous oral sex.
You have a right to your own boundaries, and he has a right to have issue with those boundaries as long as he doesn’t cross them. Sounds like the relationship isn’t meant to be.
NTA, Everyone does things at their own rate, no one should feel pressured into doing something they arent ready for.
Neither of you are assholes. You have a right to be chaste, and more people should heed your example. He also has a right to expect intimacy from his partner. If you guys don’t have the same expectations for the person you want to date… then you should both go find someone that has similar expectations.
Nah you’re not the asshole. You set a boundary from the start and he agreed to it. If he changed his mind later, that’s fine but trying to guilt you over it isn’t. It’s better to break up than stay in something where core needs don’t line up.
You’re not compatible. You can decide if you want sex or not, but he can decide if he’s okay with a sexless relationship.
Please clarify: When you say “no sex at all” does that mean you’re saving yourself for marriage or some other time frame like X amount of years or do you truly mean that you never want to have sex ever.
Regardless, you’re not an asshole for having an established boundary and feeling the relationship should end(it probably did btw) if you aren’t both satisifed with it.
Nobody is TAH here but you are going to seriously struggle to find a partner. Which is totally fine, you do you.
I would say your the ahole. You have every right to not want to be intimate with someone but the current situation you are in gives you one sided control of the relationship. You get the boyfriend energy, masculine prescence, spoiling and dates, and im sure he would protect you from harm if someone tried to attack you out in public. You are getting all your needs met but he is clearly not. Ask yourself who is paying for the majority of dates and outings? Do you expect him to protect you from danger? Do you expect emotional support advice etc.. 1 year is crazy in this day and age and sounds like the man is damn near a saint but still isnt getting anything? I would say at a minimum you are being selfish. Ask yourself if you care about this issue enough to lose him and if you would be upset if you found out he moved on and was happy with someone else. Bottom line is even the most basic simp is at some point going to get fed up and find someone else to meet those needs. Maybe your best option is to open the relationship so he can date other girls and explore that? No judgment though, your boundaries are your boundaries but you two clearly are not aligned in them
NTA, your body your choice. But you need to accept that your rule is way outside the norm and the vast majority of partners will not find waiting years for intimacy to be acceptable and will move on.
Protecting your feelings and needs after 2 years is absolutely valid
You’re free to set any boundaries you want, simple as that.
Having said that: not being a virgin anymore but still setting a no sex boundary in place (presumably until marriage)… that would be a big fat no to many men I reckon. Wishing you well.
No sex i understand, no intimacy? Thats wild. You guys are basically in a 6th grade relationship at this point. Men have needs period. You are basically asking a lion to eat only salads
NTA, you are free to want what you want and he is free to want what he wants. In the end, people and relationships evolved. No one stay the same forever. You either grow together or apart. You guys are still young and in your prime, this is all but going to be a small blip in your long life
you aren’t the asshole. you were upfront. whether or not you have sex is your choice. that being said, maybe see a therapist and talk about how you view intimacy. might be nothing there, but the time it takes you to want to feel intimate could be a sign of something else going on. i’ve gone through something relatively similar to you and therapy has helped a lot.
NTA – but is a no fly zone for some people. find someone who is willing to not engage in sex for years on end.
NTA – Though, I am curious, what is a realistic time frame for sexual activity to you?
I hope he leaves you. He deserves better. He’s got a fair point, how you gonna say no sex but sucked dick before, nothing wrong with your decision, but I understand him, lol, crazy
INFO: Since you say you’re not asexual and that sex is important to you, does this boundary have parameters that can be fulfilled or milestones that can be reached that would make intimacy viable?
NAH, as written. I see both sides
You are, obviously, allowed to give, withhold, or withdraw consent at any time for any reason. You were also up front about your boundary. However, without some evidence of your desire for sex or criteria to meet that would make sex viable, your boundaries may not be compatible with most non-asexual partners.
From his perspective, though, “no intimacy for now” might be starting to seem like “no intimacy forever.” He may begin to believe that you’re asexual, and, while there would be nothing wrong with that, that may not be viable for him in a relationship. However, he did agree to it.
Unfortunately, this may be a situation in which neither of you have done anything wrong, but things don’t work out.
NAH, but your schedule is very extreme for someone in their 20s, and you will continue running into these problems. Maybe it worked with your ex because you were both still in high school, but in my 20s I wouldn’t have waited more than a few weeks to have sex with any partner. So best of luck, and given his frustration, it’s best he moves on.
NTA but don’t expect him to stick around, he will find pussy elsewhere
Neither of you are the ahole but I can see his frustration, yes frustration builds and it will come out quickly once it reaches a certain point,and yes he should break up with you because you two are not compatible at all, reading your story and your replies to answers either this is an ai written story or your relationship is based specifically for your own personal amusement, but no you not in the wrong i just think the boyfriend is tired of getting played with.
So your saying no until you get married or just no ever? You said you’re not asexual. Not sure why you’d mention that.
NTA but… Ok so… wait… why?
Sexual intimacy is a core human experience. People with typical healthy hormonal and mental function usually… want sex, with someone, somewhere. Somehow.
If you’re ace (and it looks like you might be), and you’ve examined this and it seems like just who you are, great. Your BF isn’t, and you’re both way better off if you end this right now. You’re not compatible.
I understand wanting to wait for marriage for sex but no intimacy? I think you’re in denial of your asexuality. I really don’t think you’ll ever find somebody if you’re not true with yourself.
NAH
Nobody owes anyone else in the city. So if you don’t feel comfortable or ready to do that with him you don’t have to. And I think it’s great that you’re standing by your boundaries.
nta but , part of a relationship is physical intimacy
You sound exhausting, he can leave due to lack of sex if he wants to, and honestly it’s impressive he made it over a year. You might need sexual therapy or to readjust your views a bit if you want to stay with him.
not the ah at all. it’s literally okay to have boundaries around intimacy, even if they don’t “make sense” to someone else. he knew what it was from the jump. feelings are valid, but so is protecting your peace
It’s over , you can choose what you want but he is right , your not a virgin , it’s not religious and you slept with others
No AH here
You are entitled to your boundaries
He entitled not to want a sexless relationship
You guys aren’t compatible and are both better off looking for someone that is
Honestly? NAH. I would recommend sex before marriage, but it can be later in the dating phase. But it is best to know if you’re sexually compatible ( tastes, libido levels, etc ) BEFORE mak9ng the marriage commitment. Sexual incompatibility can lead to a LOT of struggles in a marriage.
But, there’s no reason to have to have sex before you’re ready.
“We have a really good relationship…” No, you don’t.
You’re clearly not meeting his needs for the relationship to work. I can see why he’s upset, as there’s no real reason behind it. You’re not a virgin and not super religious and definitely had no problem giving your ex more than you’re giving this guy you allegedly love and care about. While that’s not immoral, it’s not a recipe for making your relationship work. It’s definitely your right to have your preferences, but you’re probably going to get dumped.
NAH – I wouldn’t say you’re an asshole, but it sounds like you’re not a great romantic partner in general. Maybe find someone older who has a lot less of a libido.
NTA but, you don’t sound like you are ready for an adult relationship.
If sex is not your thing, that’s ok. Most adults need some sort of sexual interaction and pursue romantic relationships to facilitate that need.
That does not mean that you have to conform to every one else though. However, your partner has to be on the same level. Are you sure you are not some form of asexual? It is a spectrum from my understanding, which is wholly inadequate. Either way, you may want to try and meet a man who is asexual and try that until you are ready for sex.
If you are truly not asexual, you really should be asking yourself why you are not ready. This is assuming that you are not already doing this.
Good luck.
NTA. Your boundaries are valid but your goals don’t align any more, making you incompatible. Break up.
lol, dude people get married after one year of dating
Don’t get me wrong. You are allowed to have your boundaries but how did you originally express them?
No sex at all until marriage? Until you 100% trust them which is subjective really? For X many years? If you weren’t specific I understand him following up because you left it open for interpretation. For most people after a year the intimacy would have been at the level of having sex.
NTA but you needed to be WAY WAY clearer that you’re not actually wanting to have any sex. Physically intimacy is a huge thing for most people and it not being on the table in any capacity, especially after a year of dating is a major dealbreaker for msot of the living population of the planet without it being brought up that’s it going years if at all.
personally I do not understand why people insist on waiting for sex, it’s a key component of the relationship. It’s like buying a car but waiting till the warranty is up before ever trying to drive it.
NTA but you needed to be WAY WAY clearer that you’re not actually wanting to have any sex. Physically intimacy is a huge thing for most people and it not being on the table in any capacity, especially after a year of dating is a major dealbreaker for msot of the living population of the planet without it being brought up that’s it going years if at all.
personally I do not understand why people insist on waiting for sex, it’s a key component of the relationship. It’s like buying a car but waiting till the warranty is up before ever trying to drive it.
Not an asshole, but Im a little concerned why a year isn’t long enough for you. I feel like you might have some untreated emotional trauma, and I mean this from a place of kindness and love but you might want to talk to a therapist.
There are of course plenty of reasons not to have sex, but it sounds like many of them have been ruled out (not religious, not asexual)
Look you can have whatever boundaries you want but I gotta say I was proposing at the 1 year mark, as were my parents and my in laws were married. And we are all still married me for 6 years and each set of parents for 39 years.
I would not call 1 year in “not a long time”
NTA but you should break up. You’re not compatible. When you disclosed these boundaries did you say something like, “I want to take things slow”, “we can be intimate in some ways but no sex until I’m really comfortable with you” or did you say, “Yeah no sex but after 3yrs you might get a bj”.
When you say he knew your boundaries did he also know the timetable because a year is a very long time and he may not have fully known what he was signing up for.
A 23yr old guy who wants to be sexually active with his partner may put up with your boundaries in hope that he will make the cut and you can proceed to a happy healthy sex life. Most and I hazard to guess, almost all dudes if told there’s at least a 3 year wait will hard pass on that.
You say you are not asexual but don’t say what the exact issue is or what bar he would need to clear to be your sexual partner.
Like I said you’re NTA but you really need to fully disclose your boundaries right at the beginning. Your best bet is finding an asexual guy who will give you all the hugs you want and doesn’t care if sex is involved at all.
Your options may come down to
super religious dude
asexual dude
closeted gay dude
non-asexual, non-gay, non-super religious guy who has no options and will stick around hoping you’ll change your mind
someone who will get their needs met elsewhere privately while publicly dating you
Again, NTA for having that boundary but you will eliminate almost all of the dating pool.
NAH Your dating pool is going to be very small if you don’t want to have sex. Sex is an important part of a relationship. You can hold your boundary and he can break up with you and find someone he’s more compatible with.,
you should have said that you are asexual instead of deceiving him
He wants sex, you don’t. The smart thing to do would be to break up.
NAH
NAH. You want different things from a relationship. You should break up and find people who are better matches for each of you.
YTA – not because you put boundaries on your body, but because you’ve admitted here that you dont know what you want, have no real timelines for anything and don’t consider it a priority. You wasted YEARS of this guys life, just the complete opposite of a man using a woman for sex and never committing. I bet you were happy for him to do boyfriend things and give you girlfriend and princess treatment with zero reciprocation.
You guys are not compatible.
Good luck.
NTAH
A year is a crazy long time to not have sex with your partner :/
Tbh if somebody has to be in the wrong here then I’ll have to go with you. Like everyone said if it was for religious reasons then fully understand but I’m not sure I really understand your logic. You have a boundary and that’s fine. You communicated it and that’s his fault if he now has a problem. However a year of dating is enough to make that decision to have sex. There clearly is another issue that you’re not willing to admit to yourself. To spend more than a few months on a relationship I need to know that we’re compatible to continue. This also means sexually. Sex is very important in a relationship and you both need to know your into the same things and even ‘kinks’ I guess. If not then any longer and it’s a waste of everyone’s time. I can understand why your bf is frustrated as I think he has been with you long enough to expect more and he wants to know he’s also not wasting his time with you if you’re not compatible. This isn’t just a horny guy wanting to f**k. Frankly I think if you end up single your dating options will be very limited as it’s not at all strange to expect sex within a year of dating unless your religious…..which you’re not.
NAH, but you don’t have to worry about breaking up with him because pretty sure he’s already done. Your personal boundary is excessive for most people who aren’t waiting for religious reasons.
OP I’ve been downvoted to hell for supporting you. I’m so sorry you have to deal with a bunch of pent up misogynists but I want to reiterate: THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE FOR YOU WHO WILL ACCEPT YOUR BOUNDARIES AND MEET YOU WHERE YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE. DONT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE GUILTED INTO SEX.
Okay I’m logging off this thread because it’s making me angry with all the men who are telling you that relationships are transactional. Don’t engage. Please only focus on your mental health. If you can keep the friendship that’s great. If not, it’s no big loss. Hope you find love, you have plenty of time babe ❤️
YTA I don’t know why people stay in sexless relationships, couldn’t imagine waiting over a year and after moving in with someone
You’re not an AH but neither is he. You’re just not compatible. However, you need to brace for this to happen again. A year IS a long time, so the expectation that your stance towards sex might soften by that time is not unreasonable. You need to think about what it would take for you to cross the sex line, and give that to your next partner. That way they understand your perspective better and hopefully you remain on the same page.
NTA, you should break up with him so you both can find partners that match your sexual needs.
He deserves better
No one is the ah here. You made your boundaries clear, and he still wants to have sex. You’re just not compatible and that’s okay. Do not listen to anyone saying you should/need to have sex based on how far into a relationship you are, it is valid to go at your own pace.
From your comments, it seems like YTA – not for your boundary but making it nebulous and without establishing a timeline (with yourself or him). You can’t expect someone else to stay on hold for whenever you deem it to be time.
You’re allowed to end a relationship with someone at any time, for any reason you deem worthy of breaking up, but you’re kind of the ah here, not because you don’t want to have sex, but because you weren’t forthcoming with your boyfriend about your intimacy issues.
I think you need to take some time and think about what sexual intimacy means to you, and why you don’t feel comfortable being intimate with a long term partner. Also, before you get into a new relationship you need to be very open and honest with them about your intimacy issues, and let them know exactly how long you went without being intimate with your other partners. You need to give them all the information so they can make an informed choice.
A lot of other responses mention men not being willing to go that long without sex, but even as a woman I wouldn’t be compatible with a partner who wanted to wait so long to be intimate. That doesn’t make you wrong for setting that boundary, but it does make you incompatible with a lot of people.
I can see both sides in this issue but here’s the kicker for me.
OP doesn’t mention any kind of milestones or things that would indicate the relationship moving forward as far as intimacy.
Most guys are willing to wait especially if the woman is someone they are truly attracted to.
HOWEVER…. Op seems to be giving mixed signals. She said she’s not asexual. Is she 100% sure about that because it seems she’s never had sex other than blowing her ex in previous relationship. I have to ask, why did that guy leave? Did he get frustrated with the lack of growth in the relationship too?
Op said she “loves him very much” but the moment he inquired about the status of intimacy in the relationship, she broke up with him. He was understandably frustrated by her lack of progress in this area and forgive my terming it this way but “no relief in site”.
From her now Ex-BF’s perspective, she hasn’t moved forward with ANY kind of intimacy with him and it seems like their relationship is at a stalemate. His concern about staying with someone who is possibly asexual is very much warranted and I’m sure he felt like he was starting to waste his time. Yes, he may love her and truly want to be with her but given her continued lack of intimacy and any lack of progress in this aspect of the relationship, it would make any guy question things.
Is this how things will be even when married? I hate to say it but seems like her ex dodged a bullet.
OP should probably take some time to be single and figure out her own sexuality first and then what she wants in her partner.
NAH
You aren’t compatible.
You need something he can’t give.
I hope this is true. I recalled reading a Reddit post of similar issue few days ago where the husband/wife committed to be virgin before marriage but after marriage, the husband discovered that the wife body count was actually 8. Maybe your BF read the same Reddit post and starts to have the same illusions. Just my guess
NTAH You don’t want it, he does. Eventually you will want to. Until then you do you.
I dont think you understand how adult relationships work.
Just a question for my understanding:
What is your perceived benefit for waiting more than a year? Do you have a time in mind when you would want to engage in intimacy or some milestone in emotions?
What is the point of being in a relationship if your only going to do friend activities togeather? He’s off limits to other girls but also off limits to you . Why would someone sign up for that?
Nah. You should break up ASAP so you both aren’t wasting your time on a bad relationship
Poor guy
Sounds like you’re not a match.
NAH
This is an adult conversation about boundaries with no assholes.
You don’t want sexual intimacy. Your partner does. You have to negotiate and compromise on how to navigate those boundaries, and if you can’t come to a resolution then you need to go your separate ways.
You could do couples therapy to explore sexual intimacy in a safe way. You could open your relationship up so he can be sexually gratified elsewhere. There are options, but you gotta discuss what you want to happen.
For someone who wants sex, a person having no sex in a closed relationship will eventually reach a breaking point.
YTA – it’s not fair to not give clear expectations to your BF. It’s a bit much to ask of him to accept this “well, whenever I feel it’s time” rule.
I’ll be honest, if 1 year is not enough it’s clear you guys shouldn’t be together. You’re not attracted to him.
Do you also have a no punctuation, or capitalization rule? Good Lord.
WTF. A year???? You should be way more upfront. No way in hell I’d wait a year to see you’re good in bed or not.
You’re not an AH, but definitely weird.
NTA
You set a very clear boundary, and he waited a year, and then questioned it. When you maintained that boundary, he threw a tantrum.
Contrary to popular belief, romantic relationships do not require sex, and sex does not require a romantic relationship. For many people those two things do go together, but they are not a rule that just be followed. They are simply a societal norm.
You don’t have to have sex with anyone, ever if you don’t want to. Although I will point out that even if you do have selective interest in sex, that doesn’t necessarily rule out your being Asexual. As there are a lot of people who are Asexual, who do have the desire to engage in sexual intercourse under certain circumstances. Which seems to be the case in regards to your sexual inclinations.
You haven’t done anything wrong by maintaining your boundary about your lack of desire to have sex, or by telling him that if he’s not okay with that boundary, that he should find someone else with whom he is more sexually compatible.
He is the AH, because instead of respecting the boundary you set, or choosing to end the relationship, he got angry at you, and tried to convince you to disregard your clearly stated boundaries.
NTA, there is nothing wrong with your stance. He is trying to force you by playing the break up card, calm his bluff and be done with him.
He clearly doesn’t respect you.
I had an ex tell me, less than a year in, that he could cheat on me and id never know because me not wanting to have sex was unfair to him. I should have dumped him then and there. But I didn’t respect myself enough to be alone.
Please be kinder to yourself and find someone else or just do your own thing.
Im now happily married to someone that respected my boundaries, yes we have other problems, but sex was never one of them. He understood and agreed. After marriage sex was great. We learn things together and communicate great about desires. Its not that difficult.
A year is way too long. For pretty much every guy anyway. Are you a virgin by chance? This relationship is doomed obv. NTA. Keep your values.
NTA. Y’all are as compatible as two left shoes. Sexual compatibility is a must. I was married to a woman for ten long years. She didn’t enjoy sex due to abuse as a child.
I tried to get her therapy, and I tried to be understanding, but ultimately, our incompatibility doomed our marriage.
When you tell your current boyfriend you had some type of physical intimacy and now you don’t wanna do that for him, he is beginning to wonder
What’s wrong with me?
Or
Should I stay with her?
NTA
But don’t drag that man around for 3,4,5 years, and then bring him into a sexless marriage . If you gonna leave, leave now.
You are NOT compatible at all. Seriously this is not going to working.
Yeah please breakup with him you sound awful
YTA
Are you demisexual it just cruel and selfish?
If you are demisexual. Have you done anything to feel closer to him? What if you never feel the sexual attraction? How long should he wait?
If you aren’t demisexual, then you seem to have a fetish for making him suffer. The common response to kisses and cuddles is sexual arousal, which you are cutting off from him.
How would you know it was “the right time”?
NAH. You are ace. He isn’t compatible with being in a relationship with you. You should gently break up with him. in the future you should definitely let partners know that your timeline is around decades for sexual intimacy so that you can find someone you are compatible with
NAH. You are free to not want sex, he’s free to not like that.
But just so you know, it’s not normal to not want sex for over a year and counting. You might very well be asexual, or have other issues. It’s not normal to wait that long to be intimate. As you’re still a virgin, maybe you’re scared of intimacy? You should talk to a professional about it.
To be clear, it’s not bad or wrong to not want sex, just not normal, as in ‘not the norm‘. Most people want sex and certainly don’t wait 3 years for just oral or now 1 year and counting for nothing.
I think you may want to explore the asexual dating pool. Even if you don’t personally think you fit that label, as long as you don’t want or need sex in a relationship, an ace partner might better suit your needs. Some people want romance and emotional intimacy without sex, and that’s valid. NAH.
AH. You have no timeline of when and what. He can be fishing for 5 years.
And sure, your body your choice. But he also wants stuff.
If you can’t give him what he wants and make this relationship a you-show, better go.
Yall are not compatible. It’s that simple. NAH.
No timeline or religious reasons or any reason that makes sense just sounds like you’re asexual. That’s also ok but you need to be honest. When you started dating and you said you don’t want to have sex for a while he probably assumed a couple of months. He stuck it out for a year and then you’re just like “don’t ever expect it”.
NAH tbh, you are allowed whatever boundary you want but I believe that 99% of dudes or more won’t understand, and it would be even higher if a dude was like this. It’s a pretty bizarre boundary.
You’re not the AH for not wanting sex.
You’re not the AH for setting boundaries.
You ARE the asshole for stringing this incredibly respectful and patient guy along for so long, with no set timeline, no updates, no check-ins.
Me, personally, a sex-less, intimacy-less relationship couldn’t work for me, romantically. And if I was waiting and waiting and waiting (which I have done) it just start to depress me and make me feel unwanted, unloved, like I’m not good enough, starved for intimacy, etc.
You are allowed to have preferences, and allowed to have boundaries. But the way you’ve gone about this has been incredibly selfish, immature and unfair. So, let that poor man go. Not for “breaking your boundaries”, but so that he can be in a relationship with a better partner (one who communicates clearly and openly, one that is willing to compramise so that both partners can thrive).
Break up with him, and applogize for stringing him along, for making him think he ever had a chance
The quicker you break up, the better it will be for both of you.
Yeah, you’re NTA save him. You aren’t compatible at all. Without critiquing your choices, sexual incompatibility is massive grounds for break up.
NTA for breaking up but I’m sorry but 1 year of dating and that’s still too soon for sex??! Sounds like you are on the asexual spectrum. You are the Ahole for wasting this man’s time
I think any guy you aren’t having sex with will be angry if you say you did oral with your ex. Keep that to yourself or expect the same reaction over and over.
Sounds like you want a guy just as a friend, not a relationship. You are really young. Your frontal lobe hasn’t even fully developed, so stick to your boundaries and when you are ready for an adult relationship you will know.