I (29F) have been dating my partner (31M) for about two years or so. We have a very solid relationship overall, but there’s one issue that’s really starting to get under my skin which is his family who won’t stop bringing up my salary whenever we visit them. I work in tech and I do well, but I’m not some millionaire or anything. I’m pretty careful with money, I don’t flaunt it and I never talk about specifics unless someone directly asks. Despite that every family dinner somehow ends up with comments like “Well, you could probably afford that,” or “Must be nice with your job” or these subtle mentions about vacations or the car I drive which honestly just sucks.
I’ve tried to deflect laugh it off or change the subject, but it just keeps happening. I talked to my partner about it and he said his parents just don’t know how to talk about anything else sometimes which doesn’t really help. I truly love him, but this is making me dread family get togethers. I’m not sure what I can do without making it a bigger issue than it already is. Has anyone dealt with something like this?
My partner’s family keeps bringing up my (29F) salary in conversations
r/Advice
Comments
That normal they prob don’t know have your bf start speaking changing the topic just ask them things that they like ask bf you can tell bf to tell them it making you uncomfortable
have you tried telling them it makes you uncomforable?
With your partner in your corner, stand tall and tell these people firmly that you will not discuss your financial situation with them and it’s a topic you want them to avoid. Your finances are not up for discussion, period.
It sounds like it could be more of a dig at their own son than it is directed at you, does your boyfriend make less than you? I am not saying their behavior is warranted if that’s the case, just that they may be old fashioned
Yeah, money is a thing. This will probably continue and even escalate the more your relationship progresses. Depending on how serious you are about committing to this relationship, you might try to proactively share your philosphy on money and tips on managing it, tell stories about people you know who have the same income but are broke, in debt or living paycheck to paycheck. A lot of people with no experience think the amount of money or income is the difference while people with actual experience and good knowledge know it is all about how you handle money. The old saying, do you use money or do you serve and chase it.
You could actually use the times they bring it up as teachable moments, like when they say “You could afford that” you can say, “Yeah I have friends who earn more than I do, but they are always trying to maintain a lifestyle they can’t affort and don’t have any savings and their money just goes to bigger and bigger payments on debt they took on for things they didn’t need. Even with a good job, I really want to be careful not to end up like that.”
Maybe bring up lottery winners who end up broke and miserable because no matter how much money they get, not knowing how to say no ends up making them worse off than before.
Deflect it and say that with Trump’s economy, you’re barely staying afloat
Something like that happened to me with in-laws. I eventually needed to say: I have earned what I earned and I am happy about that, yet I wish that we did not have to talk about money. It was embarrassing initially but was of help
Just stop giving over for dinner! Let your boyfriend explain why! Remember if you stay long term his family isn’t going to change. Meaning this is what you can always expect from them and him. He has no backbone to stick up for you. But if you’re okay with that then it is what it is.
Would be much more comfortable if they kept mentioning how little money you earn….
These are things to be aware of before you get married, meaning is the way his family is so troubling that you would be in hell if you had a lifetime commitment? They don’t mean anything bad by their comments, they may even be envious. If you say something it will make it weird, so either grin and bear it or move on.
>”Must be nice with your job”
💅🏽”sure is”
that’d be my answer…
I’m a little like you…not really deep pockets, but I do okay.
For a while, my cousins would come at me with “it must be nice to just up and go and do whenever you want” then pull the whole woe is me “I can’t do that because I have kids”
I finally shut them down by pretty much saying “you picked to have kids at such a young age, it IS nice for me to go and do whatever I want, it IS nice for me to be able to pay for a nicer car. I’ve worked my ass off to get to where I am”
Tell them you’re worried about being laid off and mention to your partner that if they don’t get the message, uou both need to dial back on how you share information about your lives
Minor issue. Ignore and move on. Not everything needs to be addressed
Having gone through this, it’s annoying for sure. Ended up telling my partner at the time that I don’t discuss any of that with anyone – just none of their business. Of course it didn’t stop, so I just tuned it out with generic responses like – things are stable and working to keep it that way.
Just allow yourself to snap back.
“Can you stop making comments about my income or apearently my millionair wealth you believe i have, its weird as hell and it doesnt make me feel welcome, i dont have this superiority complex because i have a decent income, im just here to be with my boyfriends familie and have fun, not be made fun of everytime for some weird ass reason, be happy im doing well so your son is well off aswell”
You are trying to be nice, just make it a bigger issue, they already did that.
You don’t just marry a spouse, you marry the family. Make note of this if talk about marriage ever comes up.
I only have bad advice.
“I know you’d never be able to afford it because of your work ethic.” And other means things you shouldn’t say.
“ I don’t like when you make references to my job or salary and you do it often; please stop doing that.” Or both of you just go quiet and don’t respond when it comes up and maybe they will eventually figure out that bringing it up is a conversation killer. you don’t have to take any shit from them.
or tell your boyfriend to tell them to stop. He can deny that you brought it up with him. If it bothers you, he should be willing to do that for you.
It’s not like they are asking for money? Think of it as a compliment of how far you have come. Small potatoes
Jealousy is a pain…. And unfortunately they are jealous of your situation. No bigger hater than that. If you love the guy, tune them out, the majority of the time it’s you and him. You can ask him to limit the amount of time you are around them.
In a tangential way… my brother & sister always asked about how much my vacations cost …
I’d deflect and say with miles/ points and some good discounts … reasonable.
I pointed out that I had only used cars and a decent condo that was devaluing rapidly.
I NEVER talked about how much I earned (I was in IT)
Someone commented to share how it feels for you when your salary comes up. Which is the best route to take!
If they continue, I’d be blunt and ask, “Why does my salary keep coming up? Does it bother you? Please stop.”
Ask them how much they make and watch them squirm.
Start digging into their finances. Why didn’t you save more ? Why did you not invest ? Pepper them with annoying questions.
you should try and set boundaries if you haven’t already. awkward, i know, but it’ll just build more and more resentment over time if you don’t
Why do they even know how much you make?
People who don’t grow up with money don’t know how to talk about anything else because that’s their struggle on a day to day basis. They want someone to complain about it with them; so, you have essentially two options. You can complain about your financial situation too, such as, “shit with everyone getting fired in tech over AI, I need to make what I can now because I might be next on the chopping block,” or you need to change your company (as in, the people with whom you spend time).
Unless someone directly asks? Tell them none of your business! But the cat is out of the bag now. Your husband should talk to them privately without you present and tell them to lay off the comments on your finances. He needs to make it clear it is not to be discussed. And he is to make it clear that this is coming from HIM not YOU
It would make me extremely uncomfortable as well. It’s not dinner conversation. I wonder what would happen if you responded next time to the Dad “So how much do you bring in a year Bob?”
They’d probably be speechless.
Then you say. “I really don’t want to know to be honest, I think it’s inappropriate to discuss other people’s finances”
Each and every time they make a comment to “joke” about your salary you need to call them out.
Well you could probably afford that. Or Must be nice with your job.
Why would you assume that? What were you hoping to accomplish by that statement? If it was to make me uncomfortable you have succeeded. How am I supposed to respond to that? This really sounds like a you problem.
If they say its “just a joke” ask them to explain how its funny.
Explain that every time you visit they make some kind of comment and it makes you not want to visit. And that next time it happens you are leaving.
Then when it happens cut your visit short. You don’t have to argue just get up and leave. Take an uber. Drive separate cars.
They will call you dramatic and you will say I don’t know why you can’t manage a simple boundary. At some point you may need to say to your partner that you aren’t joining him on visits and let him know why.
I think you need to communicate more clearly that its making you uncomfortable.
long term, if you were to marry this guy, understand that you’re not only marrying your partner, but the whole family comes with it too. Do you really want to keep being spoken down on by people who are supposedly going to be YOUR family too? Just because you’re successful in your own way?
Are you conflict avoidant? I mean, the obvious first step in my mind is to simply state that discussing financials makes you uncomfortable and can we please not do that anymore.
It’s very weird if you were raised to not talk about such things. My first concern would be that maybe they are angling for you to help their son or them in some way. That seems unlikely, though, unless they are also asking for things or bringing up problems they are having, hoping for you to offer help.
If none of that is happening, it may just be an innocent sense of curiosity. You’re a mythical creature to them. If that’s the case, I’d try to talk about money in terms of investment and percentages, never dollar amounts. Talk diversification of your 401k, something most people have, until their eyes glaze over.
Tell them thatt as long as you both don’t ask for any monetary assistance. Your finances are none of their business. And leave it at that.
Ok play the game when they do ask them directly how much do you earn, how much do you have in the bank, is your car financed. Ask her mother how she contribute financially. Ask them about their saving and what plans they have so they don’t scrounge of family when they are older. It’s a too way street.
“My balance sheet is not a topic for general discussion”
But you also have an information leak somewhere. Since they’re intensely curious, maybe your boyfriend has disclosed more than you would like. It also makes sense to put a stop to that right now. Give him a couple of phrases to stop that shit in short order.
Next time: Yup. Like Bezos. That’s why we are getting a prenup when the time comes.
Families can never seem to be satisfied, if you have too low an income, then you are not good enough, and he should meet someone better, or you should get a “real” job. Subtle sneers.
Or like now, you HAVE a good real job, you HAVE a good income, then there will still be little stupid subtle looks.
Families and their likes and dislikes, blah blah are extremely annoying.
If you are having dinner, talk about the food, where do they buy the food, do they have recommendations?
Hair!
Talk about their hair, how do they do their hair, what products do they use?
Talk about everything you see on the dinner table, the glasses, the plates, the forks, whatever gets them to focus away from you. 🙏
If you’re going to keep denigrating my hard work and determination, you’re not ever going to be anywhere near corrupting distance of my children.
Bruh, lean into it. Next meet up go all out with Gucci. Like the really fucking gaudy shit with logos all over it
Give them something to talk about! Next time they bring it up, reply with an outrageous statement.
It’s good but we really struggle to make ends meet since we spend it all on sex, drugs and alcohol!
Walk in with a roll of 1s and just make it rain every time they bring it up. Then just say, “isn’t this what you want?”
Maybe they’ll get the topic isn’t their business.
I get this shit as well. My in-laws are worse when I’m not around too, they’ll try and pry information from my wife. (Like we’d ever lend them a penny. Been there and got burned from that before.) She shuts it down of course but they don’t stop.
My way of dealing with it is subtly spreading misinformation about our income. Making it out like we’re minted or making it out like purchases we make are far more expensive than they are. Just feeding them BS so that it makes me laugh when it comes back around a month later.
Just be boring. A shrug and put a bite in your mouth and let them talk. Say nothing.
Man my ego would be so stroked if I got those comments
It’s not pleasant being exposed to that. I get the same from extended family, simply based on things like the car I drive to the fact that I enjoy quality in my life and good food. People so often jump to conclusions without knowing anything about you.
Honestly just own it. “Yes it is nice”. lol. They are just jealous.
Some people say these things to compliment you. Accept that some people are socially inept or find a kind way to help them understand that they’re being rude. It’s passive aggressive but you’re clearly uncomfortable with confrontation. Tell a fake story about a friend or coworker bringing up your salary and how everyone thought that was very rude behavior. They probably won’t want to be seen as rude too and might stop. If it continues just say it makes you uncomfortable. It’s not at all worth avoiding dinners or bringing it up to your partner. As others have said you can also lean into it and say that it’s great to be financially comfortable.
My IL’s are like this. They ask how much everything cost all the time. Cars, house, jewelry you name it. I told my husband early on this isn’t okay. My family does not talk about money. I was always taught it’s not anyone’s business unless you’re loaning them money or paying their bills. My husband finally started telling them when they ask that it was none of their business and it’s tacky to even ask. They still do it. But we just don’t answer.
If his parents don’t know how to talk about anything else, that’s their problem. [Gift them this](http://Conversation Starters: 1,000 Creative… book by Kim Chamberlain https://share.google/tTzAegiytWUSajcf8).
You are dating, not engaged, correct? Your financial condition is not a subject for discussion. Point out to your bf that questions of this nature are crude and low class.
Every time they ask you a question about your financial status, just say “Why would you want to know that?” Nothing else. If they continue and you start to burn, just point out that it is none of their business. How your bf reacts will tell you whether you should continue your relationship.
Sounds like they approve? Maybe it’s meant to be complementary? Although… it is rude — your feelings are valid.
Just smile and say “Money is not the most important thing in life”. Then change the subject.
You have a partner problem. Your salary is none of his family’s business. How you sound your money is none of their business either. Full stop. End of conversation.
He can put an end to this or not. If not, reevaluate the relationship.
How did they find out about your salary? Did your BF blab?
How much we talking here???
They’re success-shaming. They worked as hard as they could all their lives maybe, and they see someone much younger with more success, so they have to snipe you out of jealousy. Lashing out instead of accepting the reality that they’re unsuccessful. A lot of people can’t face that fact.
Or there’s something very specific that they want you to do financially, but they’re such passive aggressive doorknobs that this is their idea of buttering you up. Do they make comments about their mortgage? Medical costs? Desire for immediate grandkids?
Would give him a chance to have that discussion with his parents one more time. Let him know that it makes you uncomfortable but it also gives you the vibe that they seem to be jealous of the fact that you and him have money and that they are trying to guilt trip or hint that the money you do have from working is meant to be going to them. They may not see it like that – but realizing their nosy behavior puts them in negative light may get them to stop. (Because that’s exactly the impression it gives me when you see it happening.)
After that start getting awkward. Why does everything always come back to my money? Why does how much I earn interest you so much? My personal finances are not a suitable conversation topic. Or just stop talking and just look at them and become dead silent anytime it’s brought up. Soak up that uncomfortableness.
I have something similar with my in laws but it’s with food. They always talk about food. Like seriously, I didn’t know how much you could discuss the meal you are having, how it’s cooked, what you ate where, what you’re going to eat next, where you bought all the ingredients, etc. And I had to wrap my brain around why they are talking so much about it.
In your situation why is the family bringing finances up so much? Are they bad with money? Are they in debt? From the examples you gave could be well intentioned “you can afford that” , good for you. Or…. Judgmental about how you spend (cars and vacation). Could be concerned in the future if you and SO spend money on things they “disapprove of”. SO’s family might be obsessed with money, he says that’s just how they are. Many comments saying, just tell them to stop. I could not tell my in laws to stop talking about food. At all. It’s so unrealistic to me.
Thanks for asking about my job…. Then go into detail on the most mundane things…. And don’t stop talking about it.
Just be direct!
Hey! I know you guys might think I make a ton of money, but money is a topic that truly makes me uncomfortable, as well as the comments that have come up the last few times I’ve visited.
It’s even uncomfortable for me to be bringing this up to you all now, but I know this is something that if I don’t bring up, I will just end up avoiding coming around all together and I have really enjoyed my time with you all and I really don’t want it to come to that. I hope you can understand.
Smile and nod. Repeat as necessary.