My boyfriend (20M) and I (19F) haven’t had sex in over a year, and lately, it’s been affecting me emotionally. I’m not just talking about the physical part I miss the love and closeness that came with it. It made me feel deeply connected to him in a way I’ve never experienced before.
When we first became sexually active, it was something we both wanted.
He even told me that he wanted to lose his virginity to me, and that’s how it happened.
It was special and genuine.
But a while later, he told me that he thought we should stop he said we didn’t have our own place and mentioned wanting to wait until marriage. I respected that and we stopped, but it always kind of surprised me, because he was the one who first brought it up and seemed sure about it.
Now, after some time has passed, I can’t help but wonder if his decision was really influenced by his mom not something he fully chose on his own…
For some context:
his mom is very religious and extremely judgmental when it comes to sex.
But she doesn’t even know we’ve had sex she just assumes we might’ve?, and she’s been doing everything she can to prevent it. She’s constantly on edge about the idea, always talks to him before we go on trips and makes him promise they “won’t do anything.” My boyfriend literally has to “reassure” her we won’t sleep with eachother. Which is so uncomfortable…
One time, she thought she caught us in the middle of it even though we absolutely weren’t, we were just making out and touching… and since then, she’s been even more obsessed with making sure it doesn’t happen.
That whole situation really opened my eyes. I started to realize this might not just be about his personal beliefs. It might be about guilt and pressure from her and it makes me feel upset.
It’s been over a year now, and I’ve honored that boundary. I haven’t tried to push anything, even though I miss the emotional and physical connection.
But deep down, it hurts. It feels like something that brought us closer something natural between two people in love was taken away because of someone else’s fear and judgment. I tried asking if it was due to her judgement and i got no response from him he just tells me he doesn’t want to argue.
I’m not trying to be selfish. I just wish his mom didn’t have so much say in a relationship that should be between him and me. but I do miss that part of our relationship, and I’m starting to feel more sad and missing that feeling of being close. I mean it’s been a year…
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years.
Also sex is not everything I know that. He is a good boyfriend and I’m not trying to make it seem like all I care is about that but sometimes that closeness and love making is really missed when it’s been a while.
Comments
It sounds like you two need to have a serious talk about expectations and boundaries, independent of his mom. Is he willing to consider couples counseling to help navigate this?
It sounds like you need to talk it through with him and stand firm about your expectations. Physical intimacy is a big part of relationships. If you’re not on the same page there, it’s hard to make everything else work in the long run. I don’t think it’s shallow to break up over this if he’s not amenable to making changes. You’re not in high school anymore.
Just break up or call her bluff and get married.
I feel like if you’re incompatible about this issue, (which is a big one, you have every right to feel sad) there are going to be alot more issues down the road. You’re supposed to be in a two way partnership in which each person contributes to and benefits from the relationship.
I hate to be that redditor, but I think you should move on.
It seem like your boyfriends mom has too much control over your relationship. It’s okay to have personal or religious beliefs, but letting a parent decide what happen in your love life especially as an adult is a problem. Your relationship should be about what you two want, not what she approves of.
A YEAR?
It would be abnormal for a 19 and 20 year old to go a WEEK without banging, let alone a year.
The question is, do you really want to be with a grown man who can’t stand up to his mom? If he’s that dependent on her personal opinions, it won’t stop with sex. He’s going to do pretty much anything she says to avoid upsetting her. She’ll most likely only ever see you as the other woman who stole her little boy away.
Have the real sit down talk, and if he deflects or refuses to stand up to her, then you know where you fall in the pecking order.
You spent all this time defending why you’d be upset over not having sex for a year, and there really was no need. Sex is a normal human need, and personally I could never be in a relationship without sex. If it were me, I’d ask myself what kind of relationship I really wanted (including no drama from parents on either side) and if I was getting that out of my current relationship. If I determine my needs aren’t met, I’d break up. I’m not going to be in a relationship that doesn’t serve me.
I think you need to tell him this:
“I need physical intimacy and communication in a relationship. These are critical for me. I feel that I am not getting the full picture as to why it ended – as it was something special to me. I’m concerned that there are three people in the relationship. The third person I am feeling is your mother.
Please be honest with me, as this will decide what direction this relationship goes in.”
My mother was very much like this. Made me get a promise ring after I already had sex with two people but she also “caught” my ex and me at the time, although she didn’t actually see anything happen. The only way she will ever change is if he makes hard boundaries and forces her hand. She’s doing all this out of fear, and though some might disagree, I believe it’s coming from her own fucked up place of love. My mom changed her demeanor so much when I started creating more space between us and not giving my energy to her fears. Over time she learned that if she wanted to have a relationship with me, she needed to respect my decisions as an adult and love me regardless. We have a much closer relationship now and I feel comfortable going to her with my problems. Although I still cringe slightly when she tells me she prays for me still, I know that for someone who feels helpless to help the ones they love, sometimes all they can do is pray. I really hope you two can communicate all this better and learn to be forgiving of others faults while still establishing boundaries and healthy space between.
Then have sex with his mother for so long xD