I wanna start off my first admitting that I have been an enabler in this relationship. I started off the relationship four years ago by spoiling my girlfriend with fancy restaurants and extravagant dates.
Over the last four years, we have been engaged and we’ve gotten unengaged and remained so now. There have definitely been some big fights. And almost broke up numerous times. She says fighting is normal, but we come from polar opposite families.
I am guilty of using money to create happiness and plans for things for us to do. I have had multiple breakdowns where ive tried to explain to her that me paying for everything all the time is robbing me of my own future. Each time this happens it’s a fight, and it turns into her admitting that she should contribute to our dates and activities financially. However, that’s never really happened, for example, if we go away for a weekend and I drop $800 she thinks that buying one or two rounds of drinks is her contributing.
Historically I’ve always made less money than her, way less actually, but now I make a significant amount more. She Talks about wanting to be treated and wants things to be special and that’s why she doesn’t like the financial conversations.
I do love her, but I feel like I’m throwing my life away financially. For context, I make close to six figures and I usually only have a couple hundred bucks to my name. I’ve tried to break the cycle of spending, but I always seem to default to big spending to try and create happiness.
I dread birthdays, and Christmas and special occasions.
I know a lot of this is my fault, but no matter how many conversations we’ve had about money nothing seems to change.
I fantasize about living alone and having a savings account. I’ve almost pulled the trigger on an apartment twice in the past,
I know a lot of this is my fault, I just thought it was the courting phase, and we’d eventually be a team.
I pay for anywhere we go, I pay for our subscription services, I do all the cooking and paid for the majority of those dinners I’ve cooked over the years. Btw we do live together.
Any advice would be incredible, thanks for reading if you got this far.
Comments
Run. Seriously. Run far away.
So where is her money going?
start your savings account asap to protect yourself! then sit her down and talk about what you wrote here and tell her gently but with firm boundaries. its totally okay to want to spoil your loved one but someone who loves you wouldnt want to put you in a bad financial situation.
>we have been engaged and we’ve gotten unengaged and remained so now. There have definitely been some big fights. And almost broke up numerous times.
I would end it on this alone. Doesn’t seem like a healthy relationship.
It is not a healthy relationship if one person is struggling yet pays for everything. Time to close your wallet a bit.
Get out while you can.
Seriously.
Sorry for you. This appears to be someone interested in your money. Would she stay with you if you stopped paying for everything? Try… Share your desire for projects that require savings. And instead of gifts, write him some kind words and be attentive and attentive to him. If that doesn’t work, you’re either OK with the concept of spending to keep her, or you run. Good luck
yeah you gotta just start setting boundaries around your spending, and sticking to them. boundaries are for you. she’s probably gonna be upset and act out, but you gotta stick to your boundaries and just not go out to eat, not buy expensive things, etc. she can do what she wants with that. maybe she’ll change her attitude. maybe she’ll leave you. you can’t control any of that, but you CAN control your spending and your boundaries around it. good luck, man, this sounds like its heading for a lifetime of disaster if you don’t start sticking to your budget and your boundaries.
Set boundaries, get a therapist to help you.
Move out, gain your independence disconnect all that you pay for and start your life.
I would move on from this relationship. This girl wants the princess treatment, doesn’t seem like you will get ahead in life with her. Stay single and invest in yourself.
It’s hard enough to break bad spending habits, but for two people to do it when the one person doesn’t care… impossible.
It’s time for you to decide: become financially responsible as a single person, or stay paycheck to paycheck with a girlfriend.
When I first met my fiancee, I also spoiled her with lavish dates for the first month. I think it’s normal in the early phases. Then a month in I had a talk with her about that lifestyle being unsustainable. She agreed and even put forth some great suggestions about what we can do instead. We started cooking for each other, met and ate at her business office after hours, enjoyed evening walks and talks after our meals. We also took trips to nature, sight-seeing, to the beach, etc.
If your partner doesn’t want to discuss/acknowledge financial aspects, it will end up in disaster. I’m saying this as someone who used to pull the entire financial weight of the family in my prior marriage to someone who also didn’t even want to hear about finances, those conversations were non-starters or led to arguments. Save yourself and walk away.
You’ve already had the conversations and nothing has changed, so you have two choices: either accept how things are or move on.
No way. You’ll resent her even more. It’s not fair that she makes more than you and she gets to keep everything. Nothing wrong with spoiling but not at the expense of ruining your own life.
She milking you dry money wise. She maybe milking you the other way as well who knows.
But the thing is she saving her money and spending yours and seems like that where all your fights are coming from to a point where your no longer even engaged anymore because you keep on fighting about money.
You got two options.
Maintain whatever you are maintaining right now and keep on spending everything you have on her in the hopes she loves you and not your money.
Find someone else that isn’t costing you all of your money.
Fighting about money and telling her to stop spending all of your money isn’t doing you any favors and only causing her to hate you more and more to a point where your no longer even engaged anymore.
Just break up with the girl. She is destroying you financially and you are allowing it.
This is not healthy, which you already know. The engagement has already been called off. The relationship can be called off too
If you’re already looking at new places, just go!! It’s not a fault to spoil a girl at first but not now. Sadly, her lack of maturity, understanding, or just flat out greed is what’s making this intolerable for you. I’d never get unengaged & still live with the person anyway! You already know you’re not going to marry her so you are wasting everyone’s time by dragging it out. You can make more money. Can’t make more time.
Get the hell out. You’re being used! She doesn’t care about you; she only cares about your money and what you can buy her.
Get out
You don’t have a partner, you have a dependent.
If you want things to change you need to have real, serious conversations about how much money you want to spend and how much you want to put away for your future. If she can’t have those conversations then I would strongly advise against marrying her. The only thing that makes her happy is when you spend money on her. That should be your worst nightmare and it will become a reality if you stay with her.
Am going to be blunt. Grow up. Meaning, set your goals and make them happen. One step at a time. Set up budgets, work goals, home buying time lines, retirement plans. Heck, add career goals too. Now comes the difficult part. How is your GF lining up with your goals? If she can grow up WITH you then all is good. If not then you have to make a choice. Work towards your goals or not.
Up to you.
Let the lease end and move to your own place and tell her she can go wherever she wants. She’s not a partner and she is definitely not marriage material. Don’t let her use you anymore. How dare she eat your food and life in the home you pay for and act like that.
I don’t think you can afford to support her preferred lifestyle if it’s basically paycheck to paycheck. If she can’t understand that you need savings before you can continue spoil her she’s not the one. If you only have a couple hundred bucks left over at the end of the month, you’re not gonna move very far!
run dude, shes spending your money while shes saving up hers
She is with you only for your money. Dump her.
There are plenty of fish in the sea. It’s easy to get a scarcity mindset when you’ve been in a relationship for a while. When you are doing a lot and your partner makes you feel like it’s not enough, it’s very defeating. Take a break, and see how you feel. If you are happier without her you’ll have your answer.