Our daughter (17F) is a senior in HS and turns 18 soon after graduation next month. She has been dating her boyfriend (20M) for 2 years, they were HS sweethearts, and he is now a sophomore at the local college she is attending next year. He feels like he is a part of our family and is a really good young man. He lives with his parents who are also nice and treat our daughter like a part of their family. They are socially more conservative than us and stricter on him than we are with our daughter, such as having a curfew and having to check-in with them when he goes out. They pay for his college and car which, intentional or not, discourages him from “rebelling” from them. He has a job but not one that can cover everything they cover.
My daughter is eager to be an adult and can’t wait to be independent and living in her own place. But she’s also financially smart enough to know that she shouldn’t move out just for the sake of being independent, and that it is better to save money by living with us. She is frustrated by her BF’s parent’s rules and frustrated that she can’t realistically move into their own place any time soon. As such, she has asked us if he can move into our house once she turns 18. She also wants for him to be allowed to sleep in her room overnight even if he can’t move in. We said no to both requests.
The main reason is it would put us at odds against his parents and ruin their relationship with her and us. They would either encourage him to break up or disown him. Those scars would never heal, and when/if they marry that chasm between would remain and would make our daughter’s life and marriage even more difficult. While we don’t agree with his parent’s choices, we don’t want to handicap our daughter’s relationship just because she is impatient. Ideally, she and him will save money, marry in a few years, move out to establish independence, and if his parents are controlling they can choose to reduce contact with them.
And yes, while we are not as strict on our daughter as they are with her BF, we also aren’t excited for them to be spending the night together and living together in our house at this age. We aren’t oblivious to their relationship, once she turns 18 nothing stops them from getting a hotel or spending the night together at friends house (well, other than his parents). But we also aren’t jumping to make it easier for them to do so by having him move in. Even if his parents weren’t against it we would still say no, but we would be open to discussion. We have younger teenage kids and adding another person to the household would complicate things.
She is frustrated because she doesn’t feel like we are supporting her independence as an adult. She doesn’t like living at home while in college and still being beholden to his parents rules on spending time with him. She wants to move their relationship forward, is blocked by his parents, and frustrated that we aren’t taking actions to support her.
AITA?
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Our daughter (17F) is a senior in HS and turns 18 soon after graduation next month. She has been dating her boyfriend (20F) for 2 years, they were HS sweethearts, and he is now a sophomore at the local college she is attending next year. He feels like he is a part of our family and is a really good young man. He lives with his parents who are also nice and treat our daughter like a part of their family. They are socially more conservative than us and stricter on him than we are with our daughter, such as having a curfew and having to check-in with them when he goes out. They pay for his college and car which, intentional or not, discourages him from “rebelling” from them. He has a job but not one that can cover everything they cover.
My daughter is eager to be an adult and can’t wait to be independent and living in her own place. But she’s also financially smart enough to know that she shouldn’t move out just for the sake of being independent, and that it is better to save money by living with us. She is frustrated by her BF’s parent’s rules and frustrated that she can’t realistically move into their own place any time soon. As such, she has asked us if he can move into our house once she turns 18. She also wants for him to be allowed to sleep in her room overnight even if he can’t move in. We said no to both requests.
The main reason is it would put us at odds against his parents and ruin their relationship with her and us. They would either encourage him to break up or disown him. Those scars would never heal, and when/if they marry that chasm between would remain and would make our daughter’s life and marriage even more difficult. While we don’t agree with his parent’s choices, we don’t want to handicap our daughter’s relationship just because she is impatient. Ideally, she and him will save money, marry in a few years, move out to establish independence, and if his parents are controlling they can choose to reduce contact with them.
And yes, while we are not as strict on our daughter as they are with her BF, we also aren’t excited for them to be spending the night together and living together in our house at this age. We aren’t oblivious to their relationship, once she turns 18 nothing stops them from getting a hotel or spending the night together at friends house (well, other than his parents). But we also aren’t jumping to make it easier for them to do so by having him move in. Even if his parents weren’t against it we would still say no, but we would be open to discussion. We have younger teenage kids and adding another person to the household would complicate things.
She is frustrated because she doesn’t feel like we are supporting her independence as an adult. She doesn’t like living at home while in college and still being beholden to his parents rules on spending time with him. She wants to move their relationship forward, is blocked by his parents, and frustrated that we aren’t taking actions to support her.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> We would not allow our daughter’s BF to move in with is because it would cause strife with his parents and likely ruin their relationship. But by saying no we may be the AH because we aren’t supporting our daughter’s desire to grow and be independent, and are relegating her adult BF to remain under the strict control of his parents until they have saved enough money to marry and move out on their own.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
For all the reasons you mentioned, this is exactly the right way to approach it
Let’s get down to the dirt of it. They wouldn’t have asked to move him in if they weren’t having sex. If she wants to play house and sex it up with her boyfriend, they can do so in their own accommodations that they pay for. He’s about to be 21, so he should be able to rent a place for them and they can both get jobs to afford it. Until then, she can’t have her boyfriend move in. She can’t half-ass playing house by doing it for free at her mom’s place, waiting for everyone to fall asleep so they can do it. She can play house in her own home like other sexually-active adults do. NTA
NTA. These are acceptable rules even for an adult who continues to live in your house. The simple fact of the matter is that if she wants that true adult independence, she has to go live independently. You’re right about it affecting her relationship with potential in-laws. You’re right that it gets awkward with younger teen siblings, and just that the sheer numbers get high. I’m sure they can figure it out for the next year or so and then get a place together.
OK, you’re AH’s but NOT because your protecting your daughter. YOu’re AH’s for not being firm enough as her parents. That she would even ASK if her BF can move in and bang her like a drum in your house shows that! That she is living under your roof and provision and THINKS that she is and “indelendent adult.” shows you have failed her.
Simply tell her, “no”, my house – my rules.
NTA. The only thing that might — MIGHT — give me pause is if you started charging her rent when she turns 18. For me, paying rent would mean she is a tenant with her own space and is therefore entitled to use the space as she sees fit. But if she’s not paying rent she’s a family member, and family members have to abide by the rules of the household.
NTA. Your house, your rules. I would absolutely not let my 18 yo move in their BF or GF. I just don’t think that’s proper. To live there or even overnights. They are still incredibly young. They have all the time in the world to be grown ups. This being a high school relationship, they probably won’t get married. But, if they do, she is setting herself up for a very messy dynamic with her in-laws. They are going to think poorly of her. And, if she gets pregnant, that will definitely prove that poor opinion right in their eyes. She’s gonna be pissed. But, in 10 years, she’ll understand and thank you for this.
I mean starting with surface level – it’s your house and having a rule of not having her BF stay over is a perfectly reasonable house rule for you to have, it isn’t an AH move to have this rule. Digging in deeper…
Look, the unfortunate trade-off for adult kids living with their parents (which typically involves getting the equivalent of a huge amount of financial and other support) is that they have less freedom than if they were full independent and living alone. This is one of the ways that ‘less freedom’ manifests. I sort of feel there should be some motivation for your daughter and her BF to want to reach that new milestone in their relationship, and it seems possible that if you give her this, it’s one less reason to strive for that – ie adulthood and independence being replaced by ‘playing house’ in a place where you have no expenses and very little responsibility outside of schooling.
As you said, ideally they will save money and move out. If that isn’t palatable or feasible to them until they finish college, so be it.
I guess all this is to say you are not by any stretch obligated to accommodate these goals that she has set for herself in her relationship. Perhaps they can carve out some ways to build a bit more adulthood and independence into their relationship while they wait to be able to take the next step of moving out together. For instance, could he convince his parents to loosen the reins a bit and be ok with them spending the night together occasionally? You could perhaps allow him to spend the night on weekends (only). But if your comfort level is that for as long as she lives there, he doesn’t also live there or spend the night, that’s just something she’ll have to live with because she does have options – she could prioritize moving out if that’s what she really wanted to achieve.
My mum got married at 17.
Adults are 16 here.
You can do most things at 18 here.
I would have something to say about it if she had a dozen guys on the go at the same time and choosing to do what comes naturally in other places.
Because she’s going to do it.
I KNOW that you don’t like thinking about it, and I’m not asking you to dwell on it, but be realistic. I’m a parent too.
NTA. I’m sure it’s super frustrating to not be able to have “private time” with your boyfriend but it’s your house and your rules. In one more year year she’ll ostensibly be able to move into a dorm or room mate situation and have him over whenever she wants. Until then, remind her that she’s living in your house and, while you aren’t trying to keep her and her boyfriend apart, you’re not comfortable with him living with you. You “supporting her independence as an adult (which she isn’t yet)” doesn’t mean you give her (and her boyfriend!) free housing so they can bone without his parents finding out because, let’s face it, that’s what this is about.
I’d worry less about your relationship with his parents since he IS an adult and, if you were to offer him housing, he would be well within his right to accept if he wanted – whether his parents approved or not.
When talking to your daughter about this, I’d focus more on the fact that she is asking you to do something you’re not comfortable with and, as it’s your house, you won’t be able to grant her request. If she wants to be treated like an adult, she needs to find a way to start making her own money so she can get her own place and then do whatever she wants in it. Until then, she is beholden to your rules (which sound pretty reasonable). By all means, give them a safe space to hang out and spend time together, but you are in no way obligated to let him move in/stay the night in her room just because they can’t get privacy at his house.
NAH except for bf’s parents who are using money to exercise control over their adult son.
The rest of you are negotiating a tricky set of conditions.
So yes, you’re trying to do the best you can under the circumstances.
You and your partner are absolutely NTA, and I think you’re making the right call.
>She is frustrated because she doesn’t feel like we are supporting her independence as an adult. She doesn’t like living at home while in college and still being beholden to his parents rules on spending time with him. She wants to move their relationship forward, is blocked by his parents, and frustrated that we aren’t taking actions to support her.
She needs to face the fact that she isn’t yet an “independent adult”. She also needs to understand that, if this relationship progresses as she seems to hope, you’ll have a long-term relationship with his parents…which means that you shouldn’t insert yourself into their relationship with their son at this stage.
Lol – supporting her independence as an adult? She means to have a man and have sex but not financially be able to take care of herself. Your daughter certainly has a childish view of what it means to be an independent adult.
My “rule” is simple when you are indeed independent and can handle your own affairs, then you can bring your SO over and spend the night together under my roof.
Until then, if you’re relying on me to provide a home for you – your SO can sleep in their own home or my guest room.
I can also accept my child and their SO who might temporarily want to stay by me if they are saving for a home and have a realisitic plan for it or even if hard times hit.
However, your daughter wants to run ahead as an adult when she isn’t even capable. She also wants you to provide the platform for that. My answer, would be a hard no. By all means live with your man but not in my home. That’s what being an independent adult is. NTA.
Is she paying rent? Obviously you don’t have to let him move in if you don’t want to. However, if she’s an adult paying rent then yes she should be allowed to have guests stay overnight in my opinion. If she’s not paying then your house your rules.
NTA- your house your rules.
What I will say, is that if 18 is ‘adult’ age where you are, drawing a line about letting him spend the night might raise a conversation. Still, end of the day your NTA even if you said no then. But if you’re going to charge rent and treat her like a adult, then shes (i assume) going to expect you to actually treat her like a grown up, and let him spend the night now and then.
NTA
This is kind of crazy to me…I mean you’re not AH’s but you’re a little clueless.
Your daughter wants her independence….in YOUR house. Why does she deserve this?
This is your house, and I’m a parent to a 20-year old myself and would NOT want a bf/gf staying over in the same room or moving in…no way? Why would I want to? Unless this person were in trouble, or it made sense financially to help us afford our house or something, but to give our daughter ‘independance’ by allowing her to set up house under my roof? It’s laughable.
Your idea of an independent daughter is skewed. Spending the night is not advancing their relationship. Moving in certainly would be, but that’s between the two of them to make it work. Why do you want your 18-year old moving in with her bf so quickly? NOthing is preventing her from moving out on her own, her bf staying the night will be hers and his issue to deal with.
So much wrong and unhinged about this post…
NTA
Nta.
Your house your rules.
TL;DR
it’s your house. I don’t care if she’s 35, it’s your decision
NTA, your house your rules, regardless of any that disagree
They are not over controlling and reasonable.
Now if she was paying rent that would all change, however you are more than allowed to continue to support your child after they become adults, however it’s a favour.
18 is a number and not an automatic passage into very adult situations. Your daughter will be the same person at 18 as she is now. If that person is one who is not ready for adult life, then your rules are more than justified. (I certainly was not ready to fully adult when I turned 18.)
NTA on your specific question, but to be honest, I don’t know why you let a 15 year old daughter date an 18 year old boy. People who were raised with strict upbringings are still capable of rebelling.
NTA. She needs to be more focused on obtaining a career that will afford her the independence to be an independent adult. You don’t get the rewards without doing the work.
NTA. Your house, your rules. But she’s going to do it anyway, especially at 18, so why not in a safe location?
Our daughter virtually moved in with her BF’s family at that age. Everyone was OK with it though. They’d been sweethearts since 7th grade and knew each other since 1st grade. Now at 23 they’re engaged. You should consider whether not allowing this will push them to make a rash decision, like moving out of both homes to be together when they can’t afford it. At 18 and 20, they could make that choice. Not saying you should or shouldn’t, don’t think it’s appropriate to advise either way not being part of the family, but in our family it was hands down a good choice. No doubt about it.
NTA. I love her 18 year old logic. You need to “support her independence” by moving her boyfriend into your house so it’s easier for her to have sex. That’s pretty hilarious.
NTA Your house, your rules. Just be open to the fact she might move out so she can have her own rules if they don’t like yours, and maybe you’ll be fine with that. Sometimes there can be uniintended consequences.
NTA. I come from a strict Hispanic household. If they want to be adults, it’s under their own roof with their own money. She can be independent but not a “married woman” being financially supported by her parents.
When my brother wanted to start doing this my dad said okay.
Mortgage is $2000 a month
Bills are $1000 a month
And taxes are $12k a year
Two families. Let’s evenly split!
That’s $2000 a month. Same as an apartment in the hood here. Let’s play house!
My brother made $500 a week in that time idk about his GF. Could he have done it? YES! But had barely scraps left. His GF at the time was $70k in debt from school and had 3 more years to go.
My brother was 21 at the time she was almost 20
NTA, I think her expectations are unrealistic, yeah sure her boyfriend should be able to stay over a couple of nights every fortnight but to live with you, that’s a bit much, also it might be worth talking to her about how it would affect the dynamic in the house, she doesn’t want her boyfriend to move in and to be two kids in the house, which despite them being adults it will be, it’s a different experience moving in together in someone else’s house than in their own. She should wait for that.
NTA. Your rules and logic are perfectly reasonable.
>She is frustrated because she doesn’t feel like we are supporting her independence as an adult.
Then I don’t think she understands what the word “independent” means.
NTA. Your house, your rules and they need to respect that.
You said that she is frustrated because she doesn’t feel like we are supporting her independence as an adult. She is only legally an adult – her brain (and his) is the brain of an adolescent. She wants to rush into adulthood but doesn’t understand the responsibilities. She has NO concept of what it would be like to be an adult – which is why she is fortunate to live with mom and dad while in school. It helps ease kids into adulthood so when they do move out they are way more prepared than they would have been at 18.
She doesn’t like “being beholden to his parents rules on spending time with him” – too bad! Those are his parents rules and being an adult means respecting someone’s rules even if you don’t agree with them.
“She wants to move their relationship forward, is blocked by his parents, and frustrated that we aren’t taking actions to support her.” I take this to mean she wants to play house with her bf and have everyone agree with her while she is also enjoying the benefits of living with mom and dad. Free laundry, free food, meals cooked, clean house and all bills are paid. Um, no way. They can get their own place and figure out how to make it work as adults. If they choose that then you can support their decision and help out when necessary.
Maybe she should be supportive of YOU as you are raising another kiddo in the house and what you feelings are on adding another person and the financial and familial strain.
NTA Turning 18 doesn’t magically make you a responsible adult. She still needs your parental guidance (even if she doesn’t think so).
NTA – they both need to realize that if he does move in with you then he would be cut off financially from them and that would hurt his future as he will need to work instead of college.
All your points are valid but she cannot have her cake and eat it too. She wants to act like an adult without the adult responsibility which isn’t how life works.
She should be thankful his parents are paying for his school and car so he doesn’t have debt coming out of college and it seems like that would be the same for your daughter.
NTA – but if you haven’t explained the potential side effects/backlash him moving in could have on his relationship with his parents, that should be included in your next conversation with your daughter.
Moreso – talk to your daughter about the difference between living at home as your daughter, and “renting” a room in your house. If she wants more freedom as an adult, it also comes with responsibilities and demands of her she may not be ready to meet during her freshman year of college. I couldn’t wait to get out of my mom’s house, but I ended up having to drop out of college senior year because the cost of living forced me to prioritize working FT, which compromised my education and internship opportunities, and at some point I realized I was building the beginning of a career without a degree, and had to make a hard decision on where my life was going.
She might love the idea of moving in with her partner, but isn’t prepared for the realities of what that level of adulthood looks like. You COULD talk to your partner, consider what current rules you have for your 17 year old should be “tossed” when she’s 18, what needs to stay while she’s living in your home rent + bill-free, and what “freedoms” she could be granted as she takes on more of those “responsibilities” of adulthood. Those responsibilities could be as simple as paying for her phone and car insurance, to buying household groceries once every 6-8 weeks, to paying monthly rent + amenities. Each responsibility taken on grants more freedoms, so she’s learning budgeting, how to balance social demands with fiscal responsibilities, managing her first credit card, and how to begin building a savings/life plan, while also maturing and growing safely under your roof without risking her education, personal safety, and credit score in the process.
Finally – talk to both her and her boyfriend. See where his timeline is on saving up to move out, what his timeline for graduation looks like, and how HE would value your support for their relationship. If she wants to move her boyfriend into her parents house and share a bed under your roof, she should be able to handle her parents asking her boyfriend some seriously personal questions. They BOTH should be able to have frank and honest conversations about sexual health and safety, shared budgets and financial preparedness, and chore balancing. Moreso, they should be able to have the hard conversations and get used to hearing responses they don’t like – including that YOU enabling their ducking his parents’ rules/requests, could lead to him being financially/emotionally cut off from his parents, put your friendship with them at risk, and could possibly be devastating for the both of them in the long term. If they want this relationship to be forever, and they want to get married and have his parents there, he either needs to learn to stand up to them and talk to them as their grown son, or accept the status quo for now and play the long game.
YTA. I disagree on policing kids’ sex life. If they’re already sexually active why not provide a safe environment for them, that’s your job as parents.
My parents were like OP, my gf and I put ourselves into unsafe positions by “Parking” – getting rousted out of the car by the cops can be dangerous, and it’s definitely embarrassing. Seedy motels they can afford, or her safe bedroom?
I have three kids and allow SOs to stay over, even take SOs on vacation with us.
To those saying they can move out and do what they want – no need to wonder why the kids are low contact a few years down the road.
NTA-sure they’re of adult age but they need to realize that living with a significant other is an adult responsibility awarded to those who work to live in their own place. Splitting a one bedroom apartment should be semi affordable for two adults, and if they can’t recognize that or don’t want to pay rent to live together then they aren’t mature enough to live together. Living together is a big step in a relationship and if they want to pursue that, they need to do it on their own. Furthermore, he isn’t being blocked by his parents, he is 20 and can move out anytime he wants but they also have the right to enforce boundaries in their home. Young adults often consider living situations a right not a privilege when they’re 18, and I think they need to understand nobody owes them the right to live together unless they do it in their own home as a couple. Both sets of parents are kind enough to let their own adult child live there but they don’t “deserve” a plus one simply because they want it. You sound like a good parent and I know you care but I encourage you to draw the line if she thinks this is something you must do for her .
NTA. Period.
NTA. Your house, your rules. I’m sure you’re being told that these are old-fashioned values, but if they are your values, then explain them again and stand by them.
No. If they want to live together, it’s on their own dime