I’ve been the one holding everything together in our family for YEARS. I gave up my own education so my younger sisters could keep studying because my parents said I was “the eldest” and I had to “understand our situation.” So I started working, taking any job I could just to make sure the bills got paid, groceries were covered, and my sisters never had to worry about school fees. I convinced myself it was worth it, that their future would be better than mine and maybe that would make all the sacrifice okay. But a few weeks ago, I found out that one of my younger sisters, who’s still a minor, got pregnant. And the worst part? My parents already KNEW. They knew for WEEKS and kept it from me. I only found out by accident, and when I confronted them, they were like “We didn’t want to add more stress” and “It’s already in here, what do you want us to do?” as if that’s a valid excuse for keeping something that serious from me. They tried to make it about ME being too emotional, like “We couldn’t tell you because you always overreact” and even had the nerve to say “If you really loved us, you wouldn’t abandon us now” like I’m just a wallet.
Being the eldest daughter in this kind of family means you don’t get to be a child. You don’t get space to mess up. You grow up fast, and they expect you to act like a third parent, a provider, an emotional sponge and if you fall apart, they call you dramatic. They only love you when you’re useful. I’m always expected to be the STRONG ONE, the one who understands, who sacrifices, who steps up, and when I finally break, they act like I’m heartless.
I felt SO betrayed. I’ve been killing myself to support them, sending money even when I barely have anything left for myself, and they didn’t even think I deserved the truth? Now they’re coddling my sister, saying she’s “just a child who made a mistake” while I’m being painted as cruel and heartless for being upset. No one’s asking how I feel. No one’s checking on me. It’s always “You need to understand” or “You’re the strong one” and I’m just tired. Tired of being used, tired of being guilt-tripped, tired of being expected to fix everything while being lied to. I’ve been thinking about pulling back completely no more money, no more emotional support, no more playing the role of the fixer. But the guilt is real. I still care, but I’m also starting to realize they only care about what I can GIVE.
So yeah, AITA for finally wanting to choose myself after years of being the family’s safety net while they lie to my face and manipulate me to keep the help coming?
Comments
NTA. As long as you know that it’s not your sister’s fault that your parents were abusive by parentifying you and manipulating you into sacrificing “for the family” all this time. It’s okay to cut off bad people, and sometimes we end up cutting off not so evil people because they’re connected to bad people. That’s just how it is.
Choose you.
NTA. That’s just pure manipulation and you deserve better.
NAH
I don’t know your exact situation, but I don’t think you should feel like you have to provide for your entire family, especially if it’s something that keeps you from living your life the way you want to. So, I think it’s fine if you stop supporting them financially.
That said, your parents said they didn’t want to tell you because you’d overreact. That is kind of what you’re doing. Your sister got pregnant and it sounds like you’re upset your parents are still being nice to her and aren’t punishing her or treating her harshly enough. That’s not really your role. As soon as you learned the news, you started judging your sister and you are strongly considering cutting your family off financially. I completely get why they wouldn’t tell you.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong if you stop supporting them for most any reason, but I also think it’s probably a good thing that your parents are supporting your sister through a tough situation.
NTA and you should have cut them off years ago. They are parasites. All of them can work, get part time jobs, go on food stamps. Something. It’s unsustainable for their daughter to bankroll them when she has barely enough for herself. The fact they hid the pregnancy means they were intending to present you with an increase in what you sent “because family helps family”.
If you can support a family you can support yourself. Time to move out (don’t tell them do it quietly) and leave. Cut them off for a while (or forever your choice) and let them struggle. People like this will take everything you have until you’re just a shell of what you use to be. Go be something and put yourself first and consider / do some therapy.
Your parents had those children. They should be able to support those children without bleeding you dry. It’s pretty clear they don’t see you as anything as an ATM, so change your PIN, block them, and don’t look back. NTA.
NTA of course. Yeah back in the day it was common enough for a oldest sibling to work while a younger went to higher education, but that was because it was the only way someone in the family could get an education (because younger sibling couldn’t make enough working to pay for oldest) at first. But the educated sibling was then expected to contribute substantially to the family and pay it back, possibly funding the eldest’s education (or new business, dowry, permanent housing, etc). It sounds like that’s never going to happen for you.
Suggested Reading:
Boundaries by Cloud
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Gibson
Eldest Daughter Syndrome by Jaylee Wade
Your family has been emotionally, manipulative gaslighting entitled, and plain just using you. I would just cut your losses block them all and live a happy life. They act like it’s your responsibility but they’re the parents. It’s not your responsibility to support grown adult adults. They’re just using you they’re not family And they can’t use that card on you anymore because you helped them out and they still can’t get their act together like I said they’re just using you. It doesn’t take this long just to get your life together and they continue to add to your problems like I said just block them all if you can move away from them and just change your number and enjoy your life because This is disgusting how they’re treating you
Get out of there!!! You are not sacrificing for your family. You ARE being used by your family.
“Family, I love you all, but I’ve spent too many years taking care of everyone except myself while I’m not even treated like a true family member. I find out information accidentally that is crucial to our family because no one respects me enough to tell me the truth about what is going on. So I’ve made a decision that I’m going to start treating myself like I’ve treated you all these years — I’m now putting myself first. The money I used to send you will now be used for me to attend college at night or online so I can get myself an education — which I gave up to support all of you. It’s now my turn. Do not call or ask me for money because the answer is no and will continue to be no. I will not cave to guilt trips or coercion. I hope you all have appreciated all my years of sacrifice and doing without so I could provide for you all so you could live better lives than I have been. But those days are over.”
NTA – your family are abusing you – you need to move on from this situation. You have done enough for them, it’s time to live your own life without feeling guilty. Think about what you have already given them and just stop the cash flow. The reality is they will never stop taking – so you have to be strong for your sake and cut them off.
NTA. Choose yourself and STOP supporting them they are adults and can take care of themselves. Sounds like they’re just taking advantage of you because you let them. Stop being a doormat!!!
Op , I know it hurts but you have to walk away . People like that will never understand you
NTA advice from a future you…Go NC. I wish I could, but I’m occasionally subjected to her to allow her wife, my Stepmom, to have play time with my grandson. They adore each other, and he has already lost so many people we won’t take anymore if we can help it.
NTA. Your siblings aren’t your children or your responsibility. Your parents have manipulated you your entire life to make their lives easier. You need to cut them off in such a way that they can’t ask you for help. If your extended family chimes in, tell them they’re welcome to help and then cut them off, too.
You might want to read Co-dependent No More by Melanie Beatty. It can help you understand how to let go with love. This includes going no contact.
Run girl, run. Let them be parents. Just go. Don’t look back.
Choose you. They’ll sink or swim. Your parents are abhorrent putting all of this on you. You are their child. They are supposed to provide for you not the other way around.
Dump them all. Focus on you. Change your number and email. Move if you can. Get away and let them figure it out.
NTA block them and live life for you
It is not a child’s responsibility to support their parents or their siblings. Cut off their support – go live your own life.
NTA. Ask them what they expect to happen when the baby arrives?
Who is staying up all night with it? Who is driving to and from doctors appointments? Who is paying the hospital fees? Who is buying medication, formula/milk bottles, diapers, wipes, clothing?
At what point are your parents supposed to provide for THEIR child/grandchild?
Let your parents take care of their children. That’s their job, not yours. Walk away and take care of yourself.
“I can not continue killing myself for people who won’t help themselves. Don’t contact me again, and don’t expect me to offer any further financial support. This bank is closed.”
Stop enabling them. Stop letting these people in so they can hurt you. Choose you. Nta
I would cut them all off. It is their turn to struggle
NTA. Time to focus on you. You need to stop taking on the burden of your family because of your birth order. That’s not fair. Let them figure out their lives. Focus on your future. Updateme
Updateme
NTA what’s your parents’ excuse for expecting you to put your life on hold so they can be dead beats? It’s not your job to “save” your family financially, and every member of the family should be contributing to its success. You don’t have to carry the load by yourself. Your sister should be looking for ways to support herself and her baby, not expecting you to add to your burden. Frankly, I’d be putting the brakes on your family’s financial dependence on you, getting enrolled in college for yourself, and letting your family figure things out themselves. You got enlisted and manipulated to put your life on the back burner, but it was never your job to do that – it was and is your parents’ responsibility.
NTA, choose yourself and cut them off. Back to school and finish a career, if you want. Be happy for once and don’t look back.
You are enabling them by supporting them. If they can’t support the household they need to look at the way they live and fix it. You should never have been put in that situation, Never!!
You honestly need to tell them all these feelings and why it’s not your responsibility to support them and your sisters.
I get helping and babysitting when they were younger but to continue , that can’t keep happening.
NTA and good luck. Sounds like you need to do a LC or NC for a while. They all need to grow up.
NTA Your parents have made you responsible for the children that they decided to have. Your sisters are not your children, therefore they are not your responsibility.
HOWEVER
Your minor sister is pregnant. WHERE’S THE FATHER. If it’s someone around her own age, his family needs to step tf up. If it’s someone significantly older than her, then that man took advantage of your sister. And depending on your sister’s age, she may need your support emotionally, even while you enforce your boundary that you will no longer be supporting your family financially.
NTA , parentifcation is abuse , time to go NC with parents and live your life for you
YWBTA only if you keep throwing money at your ungrateful family. They are able-bodied adults who can get jobs & pay for their own shit without involving you. I would suggest therapy to disentangle yourself from your family. Live your life for yourself. You deserve it.
NTA. Cut them out like the cancer they are. I hate to put it that way, but this aggressively ticked me off from situations I’ve helped friends out of. They parentified you, and called you their safety net. I’ll bet anything, they’re living it up, and treating your sister like a princess when you aren’t looking. Then playing up the “We’re so broke” card when you do. Cut them out.
I understand you care, you’re a lovely human being who’s been doing so much for the sake of their family, but it’s definitely high time to realize, they wouldn’t do the same for you, especially since they haven’t.
Tell your parents it’s time they got a job and supported themselves. You deserve a life of your own. Those aren’t your kids, you’re not their parent. Please start living your life for yourself and maybe enjoying it. Good luck.
NTA. Only way you are an AH is if you keep giving in to them & continue to support them.
NTA
Time to put yourself first. But you’re going to have to go NC with them all and block them everywhere.
Updateme!
No guilt here. You stop being the family ATM. That is your parents job to support them. You work on building your future and saving for your retirement. They are using you and taking advantage of you. It ends today.
NTA ten times over. You should have your own life and future, not be a slave. It’s your parents’ responsibility take care of THEIR kids. They don’t get to dump it on you.
Get away and stay away. Discover yourself and your future. You deserve one.
NTA.. cut them off completely for a time…. when they get upset – tell them it is their responsibility to parent their children. Do not become a doormat. If you are going to help them, you do it from a position of control or not at all.
NTA, no time like the present to let go of old age ideas that you support your family, throw them the middle finger and start your own life now. Updateme
NTA, but please find a support system. You will probably want understanding from your sisters but I seriously doubt they will give it. They were taught that it’s your role to provide so when you stop, they will feel similar to a parent running away. It’s not fair, nor is it right but it most likely will happen. You need support to help remind you that you are allowed to have a life. You are allowed to have fun and have your own achievements. You are allowed to save and spend money on yourself. Good luck.
NTA- I never understood this first child needs to sacrifice for the other siblings culture. You are grown and you need to finally start taking care of you not your parents and siblings. You have to learn how to say no without feeling guilty and you really need to change this when you start having children. All children are just that children and the oldest needs to grow up from a child to an adult without adult responsibilities.
They say you’re the strong one, then prove them right by being strong and saying NO MORE and mean it.
It’s time to love you first and put yourself first. Good Luck
NTA. You’re allowed to be selfish and live your own life. You’ve done more than your share. Leave. Let everyone else be responsible and get jobs. You need to stop being their ATM machine. Seriously, go live your life as you’re meant to. Go see the world. Be with friends. Fall in love. Buy yourself what you want. It’s your turn. You did a great thing for your family but it’s now your turn. Don’t let them guilt you into giving them money or use your sister’s pregnancy as a reason for needing money from you. Go. Leave. Live your life. Get away from them, go far away from them otherwise they will never leave you alone.
NTA. Don’t give them another dime.
NTA
Please CHOOSE YOURSELF because they will bleed you dry.
If all of your family members can make the grown-up adult decision to have a baby they can work together to raise it. You have your finances well in order once you cut the umbilical cord and pursestrings. You are not their mother, you never were and it is time for the grownups to grow up. Including you, go actually be independent.
NTA. Stop supporting them. They can work. Start living your life. Your sister is grown enough to open her legs? She’s grown enough to get a JOB. She wants to act grown? Time to grow up for her.
NTA
As one eldest daughter to another – it was never your job. You did not have children. You did not ask to be a third parent. You’ve been placed in an untenable position where you’re being guilted into giving up all of your hopes and your dreams to build a future for people who will never reciprocate. You will always be looked at as the problem for not giving more!
What was the big plan? You were gonna work yourself to the bone providing for your younger siblings so that they would have the opportunities that were taken away from you? And then they were supposed to go to school, get educated, get well paying jobs, and then have good lives- Was there any thought given to returning the favor someday? Were they gonna then turn around and thank you for all of your sacrifice by putting you through school or supporting YOU???
NOPE- You were expected to sacrifice so that they could have a future and then be grateful that they gave you the opportunity to be the backbone of the whole family.
Yes, it is time to pull back. It is time to withdraw your support. Your sister has made a mistake & with the mistakes come consequences. She’s gonna have to get a job so she can support the child she created. Your parents are going to have to get second job to take care of their family.
You deserve your own life. And when you feel guilty, just remember that the reason you feel guilty is because they literally raised you to believe your only worth is in what you can give to them. And that is where the guilt comes from. Bot because you’ve done something to feel guilty over, but because they planted the seeds of that guilt within your psyche.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep them warm. You are completely justified in going no contact. Take care of yourself – they’re sure not going to.
Stop being a wallet for them. See how fast they forget you. Move on and do something for yourself!