I’ve been married to my husband for 7 years (together for 12). Back when we were dating there was a point in our relationship where he was talking to another girl from work, I found out bc I went through his phone after seeing a text pop up from an unknown number, anyway it was bad, I won’t go into details but it got sexual and the texts went back quite a while. I was so young back then and hardly asked any questions. I believed him that it was just texting and forgave him. It’s almost like I never fully processed it, and now it’s all coming back up, why now so many years later? I have no idea. But I keep thinking about it, and what actually happened. I keep replaying the texts I read over and over. They worked together which means they talked almost daily. How long was this going on? How did it start? What did she look like? What did she have that I didn’t? All the questions I never asked. I think I didn’t want to know at the time bc it would hurt too much.
I know this is pathetic but it’s consuming me. I keep thinking there is no way I would ever stay with anyone who did that to me now. Maybe it’s because I’m insecure, but I never thought of it that way at the time. I had a lot of attention from men and could have easily dated someone else if I wanted too, so in my mind I was just deeply in love so I forgave him.
We have a good marriage and I don’t think it’s fair for me to hold this against him since I forgave him and we moved on. I really don’t understand this, but it is absolutely torturing me. Has anyone gone through something similar? I totally understand if you say I’m pathetic and need to get over it, I’m just confused as to why this is resurfacing.
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Somewhere deep down, you’re reevaluating how safe you really feel with him, even all these years later. When trust is shaken, it creates a kind of emotional disorientation. You start questioning not just what happened, but what it meant, about him, about you, about the foundation of your relationship. That’s painful because it destabilizes something you thought was solid.
But you haven’t truly forgiven him and moved on. You’re still struggling with this. You can get counseling or find self-help books to try.
Counseling is all you can do if the plan is to stay. I am wondering what is happening in your good marriage that is causing your subconscious to push these thoughts forward.
You really need therapy to deal with an incident in your past that’s affecting you today.
You are obviously stuck on it and it has created an incident that has become so much more than what it ever was, you are fixated on it and need help overcoming it in order to move forward and past it.
Not the same thing as yours but it’s something that I found out about too deep into our relationship.
My husband told a girl back when we were just dating a few months that he really wishes that he had pursued her. So you can see my message with him and we are kinda arguing and under that at the same time he was texting this girl saying “she is so toxic and I really wish I would have given you a chance and not told you i wasn’t looking for anything serious”
When I found out about this it was a decade later with kids and a home and a life. I was being nosy going through his stuff deleting emails because he was running out of storage space.
I took him for a walk, told him what I found, he was shocked he didn’t remember, and I told him that if that happened again it would be grounds for divorce. Internally I wanted to strangle him, externally I talked to him like the god father lol
Sometimes I still think about it but I remember that we are both COMPLETELY DIFFERENT people from the young early twenties post teen still a teen kids that we used to be. That gets me over it. I think if you constantly remind yourself of all the good that he does for you it will return back to its shitty memory hole again
I don’t think you’re pathetic for feeling bad about this, even after all this time. Its really easy to just let something slide and forgive someone when you’re young and in love and you’ve got those rose colored glasses on. And everyone processes things differently, and maybe it’s just taken a longer time for it to process fully, and that’s why it’s coming up now. Also another thing could be that you’ve had something happen or come up that made you feel less safe/stable or brought some insecurites to the surface (even subconsciously)? It does sound like the questions eating away at you are mostly comparing yourself to her and shows some insecurites (not saying that’s abnormal or pathetic, I think every woman has had those thoughts about their partner’s exes, or other woman, etc).
I don’t know exactly how to offer much advice for this, but I’d say don’t call yourself pathetic for feeling this way, and maybe look into talking to a therapist about this? They may be able to help you unpack this further and figure out a way to address the problem.
You actually haven’t fully forgiven him despite saying it to him so that you can move forward. The problem is that you know the affair turned sexual but he told you it was only texting. So he never told you the whole truth. It’s resurfaced now maybe because something happened or was said recently that made you wonder if it was a lie? And now the affair has made it ways back front and centre. You never got the whole truth. Perhaps sit him down and ask him to come clean. You gave him more than 7 years to tell you everything and he chose not to. I would be honest and tell him you’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and you need him to be honest. Go from there, whether it be to seek therapy solo, as a couple, to help you process all of this.
So they didn’t even sleep together?
He only told you they texted. If there was more involved then he lied to you. You forgave him for the texts nothing else.
I’d suggest finding some privacy and quiet, and doing a brain dump for a while. Process and let seemingly unrelated thoughts flow out too.
A person worried about romantic secrets one year might be worried about financial secrets the next year.
It might be coming up because you’re seeing the same patterns again because you never fully processed the trauma and betrayal the first time. It’s ruminating, and you’re subconsciously trying to protect yourself if he cheat again.
It doesn’t really matter how, why or when they did it tbh, what matters is everything you feel right now. You’re feeling the impact in this moment and it’s real for you so you have to acknowledge the pain and find a way to start moving yourself forward.
All the questions you have have answers, but you need to come to terms with the fact that you may never get them. The only real way to get any meaningful answers or to get through this is by letting your partner in, either by yourself or through couples therapy. Because one way or another you will have to feel like space is being held for your pain in your relationship in order to move forward and ease it. And the only person that can hold that space for you is him.
You’re not pathetic. You buried the pain back then to cope, and now it’s resurfacing because you’re ready to heal. It’s okay to feel this it means you’re processing what you couldn’t before. Be kind to yourself.
Youre on this after 7 years later? Wow. Sounds like you have an obsessive problem with negativity. If it was back when you were just dating who cares, you were just dating. Thats not even cheating. Most people date multiple people at the same time. AND ITS BEEN SEVEN YEARS!!! lol. And you have a good marriage? im totally at a loss for words without being completely negative towards you not him. so I’ll stop here
You really haven’t moved on yet. Think about if this type of pain in your heart is worth living with possibly for the rest of your life.
Well you either gotta move on or nuke your life. It was over a decade ago. We’re imperfect humans. Dating doesn’t mean exclusive.
Yup. I was on both ends, different times and people. Idk if he saw the msgs or didn’t. And honestly, for me, I didn’t care. For me, it’s never been my main focus: especially when I was younger. I told myself that it didn’t matter because as long as he came home to me at night, that was all I cared about. Actually, that’s pretty much always been me even now. Honesty however that’s what matters to me. If they can’t tell you about it, and you’re not willing to confront them about it, that definitely makes it a little more difficult. Unfortunately, any form of honesty it is what’s gonna tear you apart. I think for you personally, maybe an open relationship or polyamorous is not something you would be into. And that is completely understandable, there are very few people that can handle those kinds of relationships. And I’ll be honest, about 80% of people can handle those types of relationships. I have found that the reason for that is that some people need the reassurance that they’re the only one in their partner is attracted to. For me, I wanted to be the only one they cared about emotionally or mentally. I already know that human nature, generally leads most of us to have crushes, celebrity, crushes, etc. So chances are, both of you guys have attraction two people that are not necessarily your spouse. For me, I have always been the compromising type. If it does not affect the emotional or mental aspect of our relationship, I never cared on my end. I have had mostly monogamous relationships except for 3. The first two were cheaters, and I mostly got upset because they didn’t tell me they couldn’t be upfront with me. The last one was an open relationship with my then “Master”, and I agree to that almost damn near at the beginning of our relationship because that was what he wanted. I had trouble adjusting at first because the girlfriend in question was long distance, so it was emotionally and mentally connected not sexually necessarily. That drove me nuts, and that’s when I realized that is what would hurt me the most. It led me to my latest fling/boyfriend/Situationship, so when I started catching feelings for him, I broke things off permanently with my boyfriend/master. Didn’t work out so great for me because my timing sucked but I definitely recommend honesty now.. just be upfront about what you want a relationship and you should have a great connection! And again, the honesty is the most important part. You gotta put your stuff on the table, before you don’t have a chance to. I am definitely no expert, this is just my personal opinion.
Somewhere deep down your marriage is not as good as you claim it to be, or you wouldn’t be picking at a long ago scab that should be healed.
Maybe you’re self sabotaging. Maybe you’re not evaluating your current relationship. Maybe you’re insecure it could, or is, or has happened again.
In any event. This is the kind of past crime that you need to process, and deal with, or it’s going to create a domino effect of resentments and instability between you and you’re husband now.
Unless your husband is incredibly mature, adheres to therapy talk, and has done a lot on articulate inner work, bringing this to him is going to be a giant mistake.
I stole a candy bar when I was 6, but I’m not going to go back to the store now, 35 years later, and try to ask for forgiveness or make amends.
If you bring this to him, odds are he will deny it, pretend it didn’t count, say that he didn’t realize you were considered monogamous at the time, or get defensive that you are punishing him and trying to hold him accountable for something that happened almost two decades ago. It’s gonna piss him off, make him feel defensive and create animosity between you.
This is something where you need to individually explore the root cause of your unprocessed anxiety in regards to the situation and deal with it in a way that allows you healthy release, without creating conflict.
Shamanic or reiki healing sessions can help. An individual therapy session. Or maybe just Journaling and shadow work.
Has this been something that you’ve thought about constantly over the past 7+ years, or are these thoughts recent? Or are they maybe periodic, where you ruminate over it for a while and then push it down until it pops up again later?
Knowing the ins and outs of what happened isn’t likely to help you feel any better. I know you have lots of questions, whenever we are frightened or feeling insecure our first inclination is to start questioning, our minds want to pick things apart, working on the assumption that if we know all the facts then we will be able to process the feelings. Make plans, “x happened because of y and in future I’ll do z”.
Feelings are often absolutely divorced from reality though. What are the feelings that you’re having telling you? If they’re saying “I feel insecure/frightened/scared/sad/lonely” maybe take that feeling to your husband in the here and now and ask for comfort.
And by asking for comfort I mean asking him to cuddle you more, ask him to tell you all the things he loves about you,, do bonding activities like planning and taking a mini-holiday. Do something that actively seeks to address what those underlying feelings are. Ask for what you need.
I am really glad that you’ve got to a place where you know that the behaviour wasn’t okay. Perhaps some of the rumination is your minds way of ‘protecting you’ because you think that it’s better to be forewarned.
When the thoughts start up and you notice yourself getting carried along, you can use small mindfulness practices to ground you. You get to choose what occupies your world, your mind.
I’m gonna go a different route. Is this really unresolved issues, or is resentment rearing its ugly head? I think you not wanting to talk to him about it tells me it’s more the latter. I think you’ve forgiven him, but you’re pissed off and still need some kind of retribution. This far in your marriage, there’s zero reason to remind him of his mistake. You’ll only wind up creating a new problem on top of this superficial one you’re creating within yourself. Find a way to resolve this on your own.
How long ago did you find out?
How long ago did you confront him?
Are you possibly noticing patterns in his current that your subconscious recorded were occurring back when he was cheating?
Do you trust him to not do it again?
Hon, this is resurfacing because he lied you to about it & minimized what really happened. He cheated on you & lied about it & your now just uncovering the TRUTH, so it isn’t “old news” that you’re just regurgitating out of nowhere. You’re finally putting the pieces together & now are truly dealing with the fallout from it. Has he admitted the COMPLETE truth to you yet? If not, this will eat away at you until it destroys your marriage. I strongly suggest you confront him about what you know & get marriage counseling because your marriage is at VERY.HIGH.RISK of failing as the 7 & 10yr marks are common periods of times for marriages to collapse. I wish you all the best & remember that however it works out is how it’s meant to. You deserve BETTER if he can’t come clean & doesn’t put in the work needed to save your marriage. Hang in there. You are stronger than you realize❤️
Usually I find rumination is my brains way of distracting me. Is there something you’re avoiding?
Sometimes we bury things and they pop up randomly.
But sometimes they come up because something else is going on. Maybe on a subconscious level something is reminding you of that, is he behaving in a suspicious way? He never acknowledged and it wasn’t ever addressed so he could still be cheating, and your subconscious is picking upon queues
Or you might be unhappy in the relationship for other reasons so this is bringing it to the surface as well.
You know what they say though, once a cheater always a cheater
Part of my is he cheated on you it doesn’t matter if it was yesterday 11 years ago. But he cheated on you during the relationship, then proceeded to lie to you about it. He was not sorry because he did something wrong. He was sorry because you busted Port.
You forgave him for the sexual texting that he did not for the actual cheating. I suggest strongly that you get to therapy to work it out and go from there you do have choices. And they said it doesn’t matter if you were married if you were engaged or dating. You were supposedly in an exclusive relationship that he cheated in.
If this happened to me, I would’ve been talking to a lawyer to see what I could do legally in what my options were legally fixing you need to do is get an STD test because I believe we capable of doing it when you’re not married he’s just a capable of doing it when you are married
If it never happened again get over it. He married you.