My boyfriend (23M) and I (30F) have been in a long-distance relationship since December 2024. We’re both financially independent, have our own careers, and come from Latin backgrounds — I was raised in the U.S., he was raised in Latin America.
We take turns visiting each other and usually stay at each other’s places. In December, he plans to move in with his 20-year-old sister, and recently told me I wouldn’t be able to stay the night anymore once they move in because she would feel uncomfortable. They’re moving in to help her out since she’ll have to move out of the place she is now in December.
At first, I tried to be understanding. I know how strong family ties can be, especially culturally. But I’m starting to feel like I’m always the one adjusting. There have been other situations where I’ve had to “understand” cultural dynamics that exclude me.
They’ll have separate rooms and bathrooms, and I’d only stay over once every month or two — always with him there. He’ll be paying rent, so I don’t get why her discomfort overrides the respectful dynamic we’ve already built.
I’ve dated other Latin men and never encountered this. To explain the dynamic a bit they already see each other almost daily — they’re even going on a trip together soon, just the two of them, for her birthday. He does a lot to please her.
I’m not sure if this new living situation is something I’d accept long-term — it could be a dealbreaker. It’s more than just staying the night it’s being also respectful of her brother’s relationship. I really just have a hard time understanding how it would be wrong or make someone feel uncomfortable. I plan to talk to him before the move so he has a chance to set boundaries if he decides to. Still, it makes me question if I’m being unreasonable, but I just want to feel respected and included.
Edit to say: I have met her before and have also hung out with his parents. It is confirmed it’s his biological sister but this is their dynamic…
Comments
Are you sure that it’s his sister?
that’s um, that’s pretty crazy. NTA
You’re not being unreasonable at all. This feels like you’re getting benched to keep the peace with his sister. If he’s old enough to move in and pay rent, he’s old enough to set respectful boundaries for his guests. Sounds like she’s running the show and he’s letting her. If it’s already making you feel excluded, believe that feeling, it won’t magically get better.
It’s reasonable to feel excluded and disrespected when your partner prioritizes his sister’s comfort over your established relationship, especially with separate living spaces
Its okay to be frustrated about this and its not wrong to be upset over that. Stay firm in your boundaries OP😚 good luck
You are being entirely reasonable. Unless his living situation is going to be temporary, it’s time for you two to have a serious conversation. NTA
“I’m your sister, I’m your sister” circa Joe Dirt pops in my head…
What in the Alabama is this? NTA
Very odd. Have you met the sister? I have so many questions?
he’s immature for an adult relationship. and are you sure that’s even his sister?
Dealbreaker. You will never come first. NTA
If he’s financially responsible, why is he moving in with her?
Sounds like you are #2 behind the sister. not a good relationship to be in. It’s bad enough its ld which makes it a lot worse.
Let that relationship go try to find someone local. That’s a waste of your fucking time. And are you even 100% sure that’s his sister?
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Ok, so normally when it comes to rentals/shared living spaces I’m “its a yes from everyone or its a no” since you arent paying anything op….HOWEVER
You are limited on how often you can stay over? Because she said so?
Thats weird and concerning because it sounds like they are working together to hide something or someone.
Have you talked to her about this or is he telling you?
Also your age gap, maybe a light red flag. Just think about that. His sister is younger than you, yet youre expected to di whatever she wants with zero reasoning, just because she wants it that way.
I’d say that’s his wife. You cannot be this dense
Is she his sister or is she “like a sister”? And is it a sister-sister or step-sister? That’s the obvious thought. I’m sure you’d think it, too. Other thoughts, assuming sister is legit:
Does he still intend to stay with you at your place? If he does, that doesn’t change anything in any direction at all. It tells us exactly nothing. However, if he doesn’t plan to do that, it seems even more likely he is prepping for a breakup.
That’s not his sister, that’s his wife.
His brain isnt even fully developed…….why are you dating someone SO FAR outside of the appropriate age range? Yeaaahhhhhh. There’s a LOT to unpack here
I have questions as to why you are with someone so much younger, but I’ll set that aside for the moment.
IF this is actually his sister, there are many reasons why she wouldn’t want you staying the night—-she doesn’t know you, she’s shy/introverted, concerns that you’d be there very often increasing costs without sharing expenses, she doesn’t want to listen to the two of you having sex, etc.
Only you can decide if that’s a deal breaker for you. Maybe the solution is for him to come visit you every time, instead of taking turns.
My thoughts are… is that really his sister? And why the enmeshement if she is.
At 30, why are you dating a 23 year old? You are in very different phases of your lives.
Put yourself in his sister’s shoes. How would you feel if you woke up to your brother’s gf in your house and you probably heard them fooling around? All visits have to be to you until there is space for you to stay with him again. Do not accept a hotel option unless your bf is staying in the hotel with you.
Sounds like a cop out to me
Is it his rule that you can’t sleep over with the sister in the house? Is it the sister or is he just afraid that Sis is going to rat him out to their mom?
I thought the same thing about the “sister”.
Something isn’t quite right here. You have every reason to question this. Time to re-evaluate the dynamics of your relationship.
NTA
Yeah…ldr…you SURE that’s his “sister”?
Sounds like he is breaking up with you.
So where does he expect you to stay when visiting
They’re smashing
Break up and find a boyfriend in your own zip code.
Is he embarrassed of you bc of the age difference? Not that he should be…trust me. Just curious if maybe she is judgy of your age and thinks he should be with a younger woman.
There are momma’s boys, and then’s there is … whatever this is. Sister’s mister? I dunno.
Best to steer clear of both. NTA
YTA – He and his roommate have come up with their house rules. Their house, their discussion, their rules.
(You are a 6 month girlfriend, no where near the status of sister.)
Date someone your own age who doesn’t live with family. Hope this helps.
NTA. Are you sure that is his sister? And does his family know about you? Or more specific, have you ever met his family and that sister? And if he has a sister, do you know for sure that he is biologically related to her?
I find it strange how close they are and that he is the only one paying rent, but she is the one who is getting a say who is allowed to stay over and so on.
That’s not normal. And not acceptable. The thing is, if you already feel like you are the fifth wheel in this setup and nothing changes, it will not get away or better. If you had to adjust to his life and so on, and he is never putting you first — is that really something you want?
Maybe you should think about, if you can live with this and want this to be a running theme.
Updateme, if there is anything to update.
Break up this this mess
NTA and if he was serious about you he wouldn’t even entertain this thought. He’s pretty young, do you think you are a good long term proposition together?
I would feel very upset if my partner said this to me. It would quickly change the way I felt about them and our relationship, and not in a good way.
That age gap, ewwwww. Annnd are you sure that is his sister?
The fact that this isn’t a new issue makes this a massive red flag.
It doesn’t sound like 50/50 to me at all. It’s sounding also like how you feel isn’t relevant.
I wouldn’t put up with it at all. Make sure you communicate exactly what you said here. Stand up for yourself.
OP please update this thread once you’ve learned more on this situation. It sounds incredibly likely you may be the side piece in his relationship.
That’s his girlfriend. You’re the every other month fling
A) Why are you dating a child? B) Men mature way later than women. C) As a latina you know la Iglesia says no to the sleeping arrangement especially with South American countries. His sister is uncomfortable with the arrangement and you should respect that.
It sounds like he already has a girlfriend and it’s not you.
This all sounds way too sus. You want a boyfriend who is going to prioritize you. You will never come before his sister, if she even is his sister.
It’s time to let him go.
NTA- but as a 30 year old woman, I’d suggest finding someone closer to your age especially if you’re looking for something more serious. He’s 23; not saying men can’t be mature at that age but science has shown that males tend to develop later. Also, I don’t think that’s his sister.
She has a right to feel comfortable in her home. Maybe HE can “adjust” by visiting you instead of you visiting him, or by booking and staying in cute little hotels and bed and breakfasts with you.
If not… dump him. He’s kind of young for you, anyway. What do you two even talk about? His history homework?
i say this with all love… you’re 30 dating a 23 year old. that was your first mistake. secondly , he’s playing you like yall are in high school because you believe the nonsense he’s telling you when it clearly doesn’t make sense. there’s no way you actually believe this woman is his sister 😭
Hunny…. that’s not his sister. That’s his gf that he’s moving in with, because they are taking the next step…. the one that follows would be engagement, which alot of people do on trips….
A brothers girlfriend staying over is not going to bother a 20yr old who is likely not a virgin herself. Come on. I’m sure a girlfriend would be real uncomfortable with it though.
I hope you don’t financially support him in any way… would be just lovely if you paid for her ring….
NTA but as other have said are you sure this isnt his GF and you’re the long distance side piece.
Why are you dating a 23 year old? And yes, it is weird when 30 year old men date 23 year old women
23 and 30 lol
Maybe you should stop robbing the cradle and date people closer to your age
He’s a little young, no?
NTA This is a deal breaker for me. I would want to live with my partner.
Maybe it’s because you’re dealing with someone young. He might not want his sister to hear him having sex or think he’s having sex. Either put up with it or move on. You’re the one dealing with a youth.
Damn so I just re-read this after replying to another commenter and I’ll confidently change my answer to 100% dude is either married to or in a relationship with this woman.
There is 0% chance you aren’t being taken advantage of and a side piece. If somehow that isn’t the case, you still need to run because dude is probably fucking his sister
Find an adult man with something going for him.
I can maybe imagine a world where the sister is uncomfortable, but I can’t really imagine a world where a 23 year old guy in a relatively new relationship doesn’t want his girlfriend staying over, who pays the rent and would let his sister dictate whether or not his GF can stay over.
There’s something else going on here, whether it’s that he’s not into you and doesn’t know how to break it off, his family don’t like you because of the age gap (which would be valid by the way 23 is barely an adult to a 30 year old) or are super religious and don’t want any pre-marital hand holding. But whatever it is there’s something else going on here.
A 7 year age diff is a big diff at these particular ages and this bound alike nonsense id want no parts of
That’s his real girlfriend, you’re the side piece. Realize this now and date someone in your own zip code.
Is he willing o visit you more to keep the relationship ticking along? If not, then you have your answer
Get a hotel or air bnb, or move on , problem solved
NTA. But seriously that generation needs to learn to be uncomfortable. Its ok. It would be a dealbreaker for me as well
The guy already told you what the boundary is. You just don’t like it. Move on
The 7 year age gap is concerning right off the bat… you’ve been together for 6 months…just break up. Let him live his weird sister/brother life and find someone closer to your age.
It may be that his parents don’t know he’s having sex and he doesn’t want his sister reporting back to them about you staying over… idk that could be a cultural thing. He is quite young. Sis could be conservative and also may not approve of pre-marital sex herself.
You either respect it or you break up you can brute force your way into this
Sounds like his family has priority over you.
You aren’t respected because what you are doing with your bf makes his sister uncomfortable.
Or your presence does.
Is this how you want to live your life?
NTA
NTA. Tell him that this relationship is over and you are going to find a man without his stupid rules.
Girl he is 23. He is in a totally different headspace and maturity level than you are at 30. A lot of this was probably hidden by the long distance aspect of your relationship. However, NTA. That is bizarre.
If he’s a rent-paying adult it’s as much his place as his sisters. Why is he allowing her to call the shots?
NTA and you need to get to the bottom of why your boyfriend isn’t giving any pushback.
Why is a 30 year old woman dating a 23 year old? Find yourself a grown man that doesn’t jeopardize his relationship for his sister.
Oh sweetie, you’re the other woman…I don’t believe your edit, I’m sorry.
NTA.
I don’t understand. Does the sister not date? Why can’t she move in with her partner or back in with the parents till she can save up for something of her own?
While he 23 he chose to get with someone who is at a point of wanting to enjoy that in home body relationship experience more. It is weird he would commit to something that would obviously impact your relationship and take more time away from y’all being together.
At the same time I can understand him wanting to support family, especially since he can afford to.. But personally I don’t see why a 20 year old woman would be uncomfortable with the fact that her brother is clearly in an intimate relationship.
Just make it that he visits you instead of you visiting him half the time and pay for his travel when it would have been your turn. If he’s against that and wants you to pay for a room near him every time then that means it’s over.
“Help me step-bro, I’m stuck in the dryer again!!”
It sounds like this is a decision that your boyfriend has already made for himself. I don’t imagine having more conversations about it with him will be productive. All that is left is deciding what you want to do about it. Either you make other arrangements when you visit him, or you have him only visit you (not ideal), or you break up. Totally up to you at this point, and you have like 6 months to think about it and decide.
He needs to put his foot down. He has roommate rights of having visitors in his own area. If he doesn’t stand his ground you might as well move on, your intimacy will go out the window and the long distance will become the inevitable really quickly. Maybe she’s got some incestuous jealousy going on. Possibly one sided and she knows how to manipulate him.
His sister is probably not down with some 30-year-old sex tourist grooming a little Latin boy right in front of her face.
You can’t find someone in the country you’re located, close to your age, who doesn’t have stipulations on visits like he’s a teenager?
I’m sure you can do better. It also sounds like it’s not his sister. If it is, unless you two will be making a ton of noise it’s silly to say you can’t visit. He’s helping HER. Not the other way around. You’re not some random he found off of tinder for the night.
Consider men local to you.
Are they from Alabama?
Honestly, i couldn’t get past the age part… 30 with a 23 y/o is gross.
Dump him. The fuck is wrong with you?
Dump the infant until he grows up.
I think there is something going on more than the excuse being given
Honestly I don’t think this dude is planning for a long term relationship with you.
Ummm yeah, awkward, his sister doesn’t like you. She probably does not approve of the age difference.
You’re 30. He’s 23. You are a literal full grown adult with a fully developed brain. Break up with him if you don’t like it and date someone your own age.
Is he shagging his sister? 🤯😳🤣 Tell him if he can’t stand up to his sister and he’s paying rent and helping her out then is he really a
Man or just a dressed up little boy!
It sounds to me like you are not his GF. NTA
YTA for dating a baby. Get a man your age and this won’t be a problem.
Girl why are you dating a 23 yo. What on earth could a 30 yo woman have in common with a 23 yo? Gross
Dump him. Thats ridiculous.
NTA This sounds like the sister wants to keep you away from her brother. Her moving in shouldn’t dictate such a weird rule. Very odd dynamic. I suggest breaking up with him and finding someone local to date, sister is just going to continue to push you away from him.
Sounds like he’s slow breaking up with you
He’s young and his priorities are with his family. You’re older so why can’t he sleep over at yours every time? Instead of you going to his where his family will be uncomfortable?
NTA
” He does a lot to please her.” .. you bet. This sounds like Alabama calling.
Break up.
It sounds like immaturity on his and his sister’s part, and likely family pressure.
I’m so sorry. It’s a shame but I think you are going to end up going separate ways.
If he was moving in with his sister did you not think about him moving to where you are to live with you?
Lmao that’s not his sister. You’re so deluded.
He is hiding you from his family and that is most definitely not his sister. Girl you are his mistress
It is clear that the age difference of 7 years is the problem, but those who blame their relationship because “men mature later than women”🤔
Either his sister is a very young, incredibly protected and carefully closeted girl who isn’t allowed to date and they are all supposed to be virgins until married…
Or it’s not his sister.
Be grateful that you found a man that is respectful. Regardless of him moving in to help, it’s his sister’s home. He is respecting her wishes. He sounds like a great guy.
Mexican here
You were raised in the US, he was not. BIG difference (usually) in the culture.
This is cultural and not out of the norm of what I have known. Plus, while 7 years isn’t a huge age gap, it is when the man is only 23 and you’re 30.
This could be something that as he matures and becomes his own man, it will change, but it might not. What you do is completely up to you
NAH…to me this seems more like a r/relationshipadvice post.
Besides the age difference, it seems like the two of you are not actually making any moves toward making your relationship anything more than what it is. December is six months away. 18 months in, do you really want to go backwards in your relationship? At the two year mark, if we’re not moving towards cohabitation or marriage, I’m out. Given that you’re 30, if you have any ambition of having children, you probably need to be considering that, too.
Regardless of who is paying the rent, your boyfriend has decided that it’s too awkward and disrespectful to have you at his place. Are you sure it’s even his sister saying she doesn’t want you there? He may just not be comfortable with his sister hearing the two of you have sex or third-wheeling when you’re hanging out.
NTA, but he might not be the one.
Uhhhh, he and sis doing stuff that’s not kosher? Or is it sis?
They’re fucking. Hope this helps.
I lost interest as soon as I saw 30 and 23. Eww. He’s still baby. Find someone your own age.
That’s not his sister lol.
But let’s say it is (but it’s not) He is paying rent.
And as you said, you are the always the one that is making the compromise and making the adjustments to make it work if he is not willing to put any effort into this or willing to. Have you stay with him once every grade often? Then honestly, he’s not that into this relationship.
If he was moving in with his sister to help her she would not be in the position to make demands.
But it’s not his sister lol
If you were a man you would be getting called the most vile names in the comments for saying someone this much younger than you.
Something doesn’t smell quite right.
It sounds like you have a very grounded and accurate take on what’s going on here. You’re absolutely right to feel rubbed the wrong way that her discomfort is surpassing the respect and boundaries that are already there. It’s dismissive of your connection with your boyfriend, and ignorant to any potential growth between your relationship with his family (& sister specifically).
However I agree with others mentioning the concern regarding your guys’ age gap. In my opinion it definitely doesn’t seem predatory, but there is a genuine difference in your maturity level vs his. And it’s showing in this situation. He needs to work on setting boundaries with his family. He probably feels like he’s not allowed to disagree and that just goes to show he needs more time and experience to learn and grow in those ways. That kinda growth takes time. You deserve someone who will meet you where you’re at without having to compromise in unhealthy ways.
Now all this is being said with consideration that the lady who is moving in is actually his sister. My first thought here was that it’s bullshit, but I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here lol. If you’re not sure yourself if it’s actually his sister or not , that’s a major red flag and not even worth trying to figure out. I’d say NTA either way, close the door to this relationship. My favorite saying is it’s easier to admit you’re in the wrong room than to spend your whole life trying to convince yourself you belong there
He’s just not that into you.
Maybe date someone your age FFS
If you’re from a Latin background you have to understand blood always prevails over everything else. Until you have a ring you’re not even in the outer family circle and won’t treat you with such respect. Your age gap is not helping either as sadly there’s a lot of misogyny, and you being older and more life-experienced and financially stable doesn’t gain you any favours.
My advice in these situations is: Go somewhere you have never been before and that is neutral, no interference with anything in your life. Once there, get some self love (not saying the carnal way, but to each their own) and when you reach calmness and some peace, write down all about your relationship. Chill for a bit, take a shower, dance, cook, whatever disconnects you and then read what you wrote as if it was someone else telling you that. Write down the advice, red flags, green flags, what needs to be worked on, etc. When you’re done have a nap or sleep during the night “y le hablas a la almohada”. When you wake up read both and you’ll know where you stand and which path is the one for you. Hope this helps and I wish you the best ❤️
The family doesn’t like you.
No matter how polite they were and how nice you were, behind closed doors you’re a “bad, worldly older woman” and long distance means they suspect you’ve run through every man with a pulse age 28-80 in your own area and had to look elsewhere, and found, their precious boy who couldn’t resist your harlot sexery. They accept he’s a young man who has needs, and he’s involved with you to sow his wild oats, and they don’t judge HIM for this except to be quietly impressed with him – BUT they are very much hoping this is a phase he keeps short, drama-free, and can break off cleanly with no social embarrassment to the family, (their fear is you babytrapping him with the child of one of your many other men,) before their precious son decides to find a Nice Girl His Own Age. And… and they don’t want you corrupting their Little Princess with your harlot ways, or your worldly world view, because SHE has been raised by them to be a Nice Girl and her brother is tbefe to protect her hymen vigilantly, day and night, and tbey dont want that to turn into HER running around with a man 7 years younger and not finding a Nice Husband from a Nice Family. Obviously if YOU had been A Nice Girl, with a Nice Family, you’d be married with kids now, and to the man you lost your virtue to, instead of all tbe years since howevermany hundreds of lovers ago.
I’m not even Latina, or Catholic anymore, but sheesh, it’s literally self-explanatory.
Devil’s advocate here. From little sister’s POV, would you be comfy knowing your big brother is knocking boots in the other room. That would be horrifying.
Ok. Then break up. You’re both clearly on different pages at this point. Move on
He’s 23, his frontal lobe hasn’t finished forming, what could you possibly see in him?
You’re just a girlfriend at the moment. They may have a family where they don’t play that.
You need an older boyfriend who has been an adult for a decade.
Your a creep for dating someone whos 23 while your 30. YTA for being not dating around your age amd creeping on someone much younger. Break up and stop LDR, find someone around 30 and stop being predatory on younger guys.
Why can’t you both stay in a hotel, when you visit? Not wanting to be intimate, while his younger sister is around, is certainly understandable.
You are too old to be playing games with a little boy and his sister.
Not likely his sister ….
sounds like someone is having tickle time and doesn’t want the interruption #iykyk
I have almost always exclusively dated Latin men, and I’m white as f***, I have never noticed anything like that. I’ve always been invited to all the family functions, and to stay with their families during holidays, some have lived with their family members, and I have stayed over their places regularly. All acted proud of me to their family and if anything were too romantic with me around their family lol. They tend to be boastful, protective, and affectionate partners and are big into increasing family size and all coming together.
The only person that would make sense to be uncomfortable in this situation would be you potentially. But she’s not a young child, she understands how relationships work. And I’m sure he’s had other ones so you wouldn’t be the first one she has known him to ever date. And it’s not like culturally they are prudes. Even though a large percentage of them are Catholic, but not usually in the chastity aspect.
The only problem I’ve ever had with Latin men is them coming out as gay or gay adjacent due to their ingrained homophobic culture.
The only thing I can think of to explain the scenario, is sometimes they can lean misogynistic. If he has forbid her from having boyfriends, and a very creepy and inappropriate type of dynamic, and she then said that he then couldn’t have girlfriends over to make it fair. But a brother should not be trying to take sexual possession of his sister like that. And I have heard of some stories of that happening, but usually when they are much younger if the younger sister is developing prematurely like at 12 or 13 and things like that. Were the protective instinct gets a little too invasive in an area that they have little business managing. But certainly at her age, her brother should not have any connection with her romantic endeavors unless there’s some Alabama s*** going on in his mind or in person lol
That’s not his sister.
You said they are moving in with his sister. Who are they?
Maybe don’t date children?
Is the dryer working?