My older sister just had her second baby a few months ago. I love my niece and nephew, but I’m not a mom — I’m 19 and still figuring out my own life. Lately, my sister’s been asking me more and more to “help out” by watching her kids while she runs errands, takes naps, or just wants a break. I don’t mind occasionally, but it’s started turning into a weekly thing… sometimes multiple times a week.
She says, “You’re not working right now, you have time,” but just because I’m not at a 9-to-5 doesn’t mean I’m not busy. I’m trying to finish online classes, build a side hustle, and just have a little peace for myself. When I told her I needed to cut back, she got snippy and said I was being selfish and ungrateful, that family is supposed to help family.
I love her, but I don’t want to be a default babysitter just because I’m the younger sister with a “flexible” schedule. I didn’t sign up to be a co-parent.
AITAH for putting my foot down and saying no even if I technically have the time?
Comments
NTA, not your kids. Her attitude would make me want to walk it back to zero weekly days of free/cheap childcare.
No one is entitled to your time like that. It’s called family support not family burdening. If she expected you to be raising her kids she better have asked you before she had em.
No, you’re not. Setting boundaries doesn’t make you selfish even if you have free time
Helping family is one thing, but being expected to provide free childcare on a regular basis isn’t fair. You’re allowed to prioritize your own goals and sanity.
Nooo
No pay= no nannying in my opinion. Time is money . Especially if this is a weekly thing now
NTA
Not your kids, not your responsibility
NTA, my dude. Ur sis is taking advantage of ur free time, not cool. Yeah, family helps family, but it doesn’t mean you’re her on-call babysitter. Stand ur ground. U need time for u & your stuff. It’s not about being busy 24/7, it’s about respect for personal time. Peace out. ✌️
NTA
Not working doesn’t mean you aren’t doing anything and that your time is up for grabs. She can shit in her hands and clap.
NTA. As a parent, I don’t care how they’re related, they are not obligated to watch my kids if they didn’t help make them. That includes my teenagers. I ask them (ask, not tell) if they’re available and pay them. I don’t expect my siblings or parents to watch them at all, and if they offer to, I make sure it’s rarely and not for a long time.
Nothing against them, I just want people to look forward to us being around, not dread it because they’re expecting to be taken advantage of.
Nta
Where are the kids father(s)?
NTA. If you want to be nice, say you’re going to the grocery store you can offer to pick up stuff for her. With reimbursement of course.
Family helps family. And by you not asking me to babysit, you’re helping me get better grades while I finish my education.
Helping in an emergency is different than her wanting to go take a break and pretend to not be a mom for a few hours. Every time she gets nasty about you saying no, skip the next two babysitting requests.
Absolutely NTA. People who take advantage of their family and friends who don’t have kids to babysit for free, and then get mad when the free babysitters refuse are utterly ridiculous.
>She says, “You’re not working right now, you have time,
“And you know why you don’t have time, sis? Because you chose to have a kid!”
>When I told her I needed to cut back, she got snippy and said I was being selfish and ungrateful
She is the selfish and ungrateful one.
NTA, helping out occasionally is what family does not multiple times a week and definitely not for free. They are not your kids and you shouldn’t be expected to help out just because you are not busy
This is the same situation as a person expecting you to buy them something because you can afford it. You might have the money but your priorities are different and you would rather save it or spend it on something different.
Here, your sister is asking you to spend your time because you are free but you have different priorities and don’t want to spend your time that way.
She is a mom, she or her husband/baby daddy can figure it out. It would be generous if you would offer her a certain amount of time per week or month and she can schedule in advance with you. Obviously in an emergency, it’s a different story. If anyone is upset with you and thinks you need to babysit, give them her number and volunteer them to babysit instead of you.
“Just because I have time doesn’t mean it automatically belongs to you”
NTA
You might try making out a schedule, including study time, side hustle, “me” time, etc. Then add in “available to babysit” times and hand it to her. Tell her that she can schedule her naps, errands and “me” time to fit your schedule if she wants to take advantage of the free time you are willing to give her.
If she refuses your generosity and demands that you rearrange your life to fit her whims, put your foot down and prepare to weather the hurricane of her disapproval. If anyone asks, just shrug and say that you tried to accommodate her demands but she just demanded too much. If you don’t put a stop to it now the demands will simply increase. Eventually she’ll try to make you her FT unpaid nanny and whine about how unkind you are if you try to take your life back.
This exact tale has been written so many times on reddit. Like if it were real, which I doubt, it would be easier to do a search and get all the advice already written cause this issue has been posted about ad nauseam for years.
Every time I hear family helps family, I think fake story
Family is not a free childcare service … you want a crib lizard ? , you look after it. It’s called “ being a parent” and is nobody else’s responsibility
NTA.
Your sister is correct that family helps family but I don’t think her definition is the same as most people.
Growing up my Aunt would watch us all the time. My parents would ask in advance if she was available and she would get paid even if it was the “family rate”. She had the right to say no or not available. They never expected her to just be there without prior arrangements. In emergency they would turn to the grandparents; & I am talking “kid C needs to be taken to hospital at night because they hurt themselves please watch kids A, B, & D” emergency. Sometimes it was our Aunt who showed up if it was a weekend night but not usually. On rare occasions it was the neighbour mom that came—one sib was extremely accident prone, turns out they have a genetic connection—and the majority of the time one parent stayed home while the other took sib C to be treated.
That emergency watching is what most people would consider family helping family. The “family rate” is family helping family. And now that I am grown I help my sibs with their kids but I am NOT the on call nanny for their convenience. And you should not be either.
NTA she needs to get over it. She chose motherhood and now she needs to suck it up. You don’t get a break from being a parent and the world does not revolve around her kids. Don’t enable her entitlement
NTA. You’re not selfish for thinking about yourself and putting up boundaries.
NTA. Your sister has no idea how blessed she is to have any support at all. Most of us didn’t have anyone to turn to and we ran errands with our kids in tow and microslept while our kids rolled toy cars over our bodies and shoved socks up our noses. And just to have a break? My goodness, I couldn’t even go to the toilet by myself. If I had a younger sister who was willing to occasionally help out, I’d be kissing the ground she walked and making sure I came back from any errands with a gift for her. But it’s not your responsibility. You’re 19. You don’t have kids of your own and you should be free to use whatever down time you have as you would like to spend it, not be expected to give it all up for your sister and her kids. If she can’t remotely respect your time and what you do offer then I’d step back from helping all together.
NTA. You are not her babysitter. Tell her to hire someone. She should be grateful you helped her at all. With that attitude, I’d quit altogether.
Op your time is your time. Regardless of what your sister thinks. She isn’t owed anything. Those are her kids and her responsibility. Not yours. Tell her that if she really needs to have you watch her kids then she can pay you for watching them. Your time is valuable too and just because you don’t have anything going on, it doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have your free time to yourself. And where is the father to the kids? Why can’t he take care of his own kids for once? If he’s working then he can take care of them when he isn’t working. That’s what parents do. They’re supposed to take turns with them and help each other out.
NTA. You have a life and your time is just as important as hers. She made a choice to have children, she can take care of her own kids or get a sitter. . You are not her free sitter to call on whenever she wants. She’s being disrespectful to you. Prioritize you.
NTA, your sister needs to get a grip, this is parenting, and her kids are not your responsibility
Nta
You sister needs to be told you are not her free maid.
She has her life and you have yours. You don’t decide what she does with her time and she has no right to decide what you do with yours.
Being related to her doesn’t make you her slave.
Tell her that because she didn’t let you decide if her having kids was a good idea, she doesn’t get to decide what you do with your life, time and attention.
As a parent she needs to step up and start taking her kids with her when she goes out. As a parent she needs to create a structure that when she naps, the kids nap. Simple as.
Say no and tell her not to ask again.
Having plans to value your own time means you’re busy.
It’s hilarious when people that demand favours call you ungrateful for saying no. Ungrateful for what exactly? Plus selfish? How? It’s selfish to demand you to drop everything to watch the kids she chose to have. I’m writing this as an exhausted single mum and even I’m going with NTA. stand your round.
> I didn’t sign up to be a co-parent.
This is all I need to hear. You’re NTA. She chose to get pregnant and carry out the full term to get a child, you didn’t. You have your own life and goals. You owe her nothing.
NTA, remind your sister what she was doing at your current age….pretty sure it wasn’t nannying or second parenting someone else’s kid(s).
No. Kindly say you understand that she is overwhelmed but you are uncomfortable with the amount of time she is requesting of you. Perhaps offer a regular one night/day a month like the third Saturday or whatever. Set your boundaries kindly but set them and stick to them. If you are more comfortable with say the older one or the younger one offer to take one so she can have quality time with the other or something like that. Tell her two is too much for your comfort level. You NTA but, it’s really all in the delivery of your boundaries. You’re willing to help but only X amount of time per month etc.
What was your sister doing at 19? Was she using so get free time to baby sit or using her free time to do what she wants.
You will use all your free time to look after kids when you have kids, they aren’t your responsibility spend as much time with them as YOU want to
NTA. It is absolutely okay to say, “No.” If anyone else has an issue, thank them for volunteering their time.
If “family helps family,” what exactly is she doing to help you?
NTA. Her kid, her problem. She is not entitled to use anyone for free babysitting, even her sister.
Right now I’m holding my 5 week old nephew who I flew to Australia from the US to help my sister with.
My parents were here for 6 weeks before that.
It is BONKERS having kids- exhausting, tedious, monotonous. I don’t know how people do it without AT LEAST three people.
Frankly, I don’t know how people do it without the help multiple times a week, if not everyday.
That being said, my sister doesn’t consider it anyone’s responsibility. Does she think it would be nice if her MIL, who lives a matter of hours away (versus our 20 hours) were more involved? Sure. But she doesn’t expect it.
My sister is telling everyone who will listen how grateful she is for me.
So I think your sister is the ungrateful one to not realize how lucky she’s been to have you. It’s genuinely the most incredible blessing to have people step in to lighten the load.
I’m not sure why people struggle to say thank you and be grateful.
It’s not free time it’s just time, if she wants your time tell her your rates !
If you’re expected to run a daycare you should be getting paid daycare rates. “Family should help family” is code for “Family should let me exploit them for free labor.” It never works the other way around, where your sister would help you with anything.
If family should help family, your sister could start by taking care of her own kids so you could get your online classes done.
NTA. They aren’t your kids. You’re not obligated to use your time – whether it’s free time or not – in the way your sister wants you to use it. Don’t make excuses. “Sorry, not today.”
NTA.
If anyone is selfish and ungrateful it’s your sister for dumping her kids on you while she sleeps.
People really need to stop having babies and then expecting everybody else to take care of them. These kids are not your responsibility and she needs to leave you alone. I would start babysitting for her all together because she’s definitely trying to take advantage of you.
NTA.
I agree with everyone here but what I’d like to add is that free time should actually MEAN free time. You’re not meant to be doing something 24/7, it’s also necessary to have time to yourself, to rest or engage with hobbies and such. Just because you don’t have any hard obligations doesn’t mean someone else is entitled to that time. Family helping family is still allowed (and even freaking necessary!) to come with boundaries! You’re not a puppet!
100% NTA. You are an autonomous human being who has no responsibility for for children of others.
NTA. You are not “selfish” of your own time. You are living your life. Keep saying no when you don’t want to or can’t.
NTA
She elected to have the kids. You didn’t.
It doesn’t make you selfish not to want to be a default mom to her kids.
Where are dad and both sets of grandparents? They should be first on the list for babysitting, not you. Or she can just hire a babysitter.
Stand your ground and keep telling her no. Since she has refused to respect your boundaries, you should refuse to babysit at all.
When she says, “family helps family”, remind her that YOU are family and you have a life that you are in the process of figuring out. Being her constant babysitter is NOT part of your life plan and is totally inconsiderate of your needs. NTA