Me (22f) and my boyfriend (27m) have just moved in together after being together over a year. After we got home from work i was looking for a snack in the cupboard and he tried to show me some affection (intimately) and i shrugged him off bc i was looking for a snack. He then got annoyed as we had planned to have some intimate time that evening and he said he felt like he was hurting me because i shrugged him off. I said no it’s not like that I was just looking for something and he said I was ‘telling him his feelings were wrong’. Spiralled into a big argument and at one point I noticed he was recording me on his phone. When I questioned him about it he said as a man he needs to be careful in this world. This was because I used the phrase ‘touch me up’ when referring to the kitchen incident but i didn’t mean it in a malicious way and just used it as a passing turn of phrase which maybe wasn’t a good idea but I did explain this. He compared this to a creepy work colleague who spiked my drink once. He then tried to leave because he couldn’t be around me bc i said he clearly doesn’t trust me but I was crying so much he stayed and said he was sorry. For context, I was graped when i was 13 and it spread around my school that I lied about being grapes and falsely accused someone and I was horribly bullied for years so this made me feel pretty rubbish. Idk what to do. We seem okay now but idk if I can get over this. help?! AITAH?
AITAH for staying mad at my bf because he started recording me incase I accused him of SA?
r/AITAH
Comments
Your feelings are valid. Recording is a huge breach of trust. Consider boundaries.
Bruh, absolutely NTA. Mad sketchy he feels the need to record u just ’cause u weren’t in the mood. That’s just a low blow, esp given your past – feels like he’s manipulatin ya. Trust ain’t something to toy with, u deserve someone who trusts you period. Stay strong sistah 🙏
That’s a massive breach of trust. You have every right to feel uncomfortable and upset—recording someone without their consent, especially in an argument, isn’t okay. His comparison to the drink spiking situation feels manipulative too. Trust goes both ways.
bro dump this creepy freak.
NTA
And he’s trying to manipulate you with the topic you’ve been bullied for in the past.
You need to dump this person ASAP. Seriously.
“he said as a man he needs to be careful in this world.”
Congratulations. You’re dating Andrew Tate.
Time to move on. NTA.
NTA but get the hell away from your creepy ass (ex) bf. He’s doing everything he can to mess with your head and you’ve been living together for 20 minutes. Get out now.
NTA.
Pack your stuff back up and get the hell out. Living with this guy isn’t going to bode well for you.
He’s creepy and manipulative AF.
Nta he’s being mentally abusive it seems.
He is manipulative. Major red flag.
NTA. Sound like teenaged boy behavior. He’s trying to guilt you into having sex with him. Or maybe he heard the rumors and believed them. You should ask him about that. Either way, your relationship does not sound good. There is not mutual trust. Tell him you don’t feel like your relationship is okay and you want to get counseling with him. If he refuses, I’d say go find someone less messed up.
You didn’t immediately respond the way he wanted you to, and he took it personally.
He tried to make it about his reaction to what he assumed you were feeling – he thought he hurt you, and that was a you problem?
He clearly believes that you lied about being the victim of assault as a child, that you made false accusations. He actively prepared to defend himself with evidence against the accusation he assumed you would make.
He does not trust you. He does not respect you. He believes you are a liar who would harm him. Yet he’s there. That’s all kinds of messed up!
This guy will accuse you of things – cheating, stealing, lying – and he will NEVER believe you because he already believes you’re a liar.
He possibly hopes to control you for more then discard you later.
You moved in, he got comfy, and he showed you what he’s really about.
You deserve so much better than this!
ETA: NTA.
I recorded my ex wife hundreds of times at my lawyer’s instruction for our custody case. She falsely accused me of every thing: (what I’m going to list is in the court records. So I’m not making it up). She provided no evidence just her and my MIL’s lies. Now mind you I was a business owner and landlord at the time.: gun running, drug trafficking, SA, domestic abuse, child abuse, threats, asset concealment, fraud.
All of it she made up. She’d call me up at night drunk and threaten my life. Her father threatened to end me. She went to school with the judge’s daughter and called her a sex worker on tape. She told me the courts side with women (initially). Just made endless threats of every kind. Wouldn’t let me have visitation for 8 months. Cancelled my visits. Lied. Hid our daughter. Violated innumerable court order.
The court stripped her of all parental rights on the final day of court. My lawyer made a mix tape of her death threats and admitting she was playing the system. If I hadn’t recorded her I’d have probably been falsely arrested.
But as it was she ended up taken into custody and her lot lizard mother threatened with jail by the judge.
To this day I have cameras everywhere legally compliant on my property as directed by my attorney. No creepy ones. Only outside and in common areas as legally permitted in my state. You’re a moron not to.
This guy is SO ick.
You can do better than someone who complains because you decide you’re not ready for sex RIGHT THIS MINUTE and then tries to guilt you out of being appropriately annoyed by using your own past trauma against you.
What a truly horrible man.
NTA. Please leave. Or, even better, kick him out. Don’t stay with someone so manipulative and cold. Those tears he’s crying are crocodile tears.
NTA. Him recording you is an infringement of your privacy. Even in an intimate relationship you don’t have the right to expect intimacy on demand. He needs to learn how to be a decent human being
NTA. If his first instinct in the midst of an argument is to begin recording so he doesn’t get accused of rape, that’s a huge red flag. His priority should have been on the conversation, on working together to deescalate the situation. I understand his feelings were hurt, that much is clear. It can be disheartening when a partner brushes off attempts for physical affection. However he took the issue wayyyyyy too far. You didn’t do anything wrong. You just wanted a snack and you made that clear! It wasn’t like you screamed that he was unattractive and didn’t want to sleep with him.
Please find a safe place you can stay and tell somebody if he ever makes you feel threatened, so many women don’t leave until it is too late, or don’t speak up until the abuse gets physical. You deserve to be so much more than this guys punching bag, especially after what you have gone through.
Nutcase Alert here!!! You’ve been warned, get out now. Otherwise, stop posting. He is a mental case. If you stay, you are the A.H to yourself.
NTA
Hes slowly coercing you into always accepting intimacy.
Any normal person would see that you were preoccupied and that’s not the time to initiate sex.
He’s weaponising your past sexual assult to break you down into doing what he wants.
You are not safe with this man.
Move out immediately
Run. Run. Run. Run. Run.
There is literally no other course of action here.
This man wants to make you feel so turned around and guilty and confused about having boundaries around sex.
He specifically weaponized your greatest trauma to do so.
This dude is beyond fucked up.
Run.
This really feels like he’s manipulating you by blowing small things out of proportion so one day when he does SA you, you second guess yourself and gaslight yourself into thinking it isn’t as bad as it actually is.
I’d move out ASAP and quietly, and break up with him after you’re safe.
Such a weird situation. Like there are definitely scenarios where you may want to record a conversation if you’re concerned someone is willing to spread a lie about you.
Although given the lead up to the argument it seems he was more concerned with you turning him down rather than a plot to implicate him in a crime. Also seems insensitive for him to suggest that given your history. So you’re definitely NTA, he needs to understand where you’re coming from if he wants this to work out.
NTA.
He’s literally using your trauma as a starting point for this “argument” and thinks you’ll falsely accuse him of rape as a way to manipulate you. Get the hell away from him.
NTA but I would move out asap. He doesn’t get to use your trauma against you like that. He’s awful!
That’s what a serial rapist does to avoid the law! Leave him now!
I knew someone like that, who recorded things that only helped him and covered his rapes… He just thought he could do The same to me, but my IQ is way above than his and my father taught me how to deal with such kinds, so he had to run away from my state to avoid jail…
Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker what the hell is wrong with this guy? Run, OP, run. Dude is a hot mess and trying to spill it on you.
Well he’s cr*p, NTA and dump him
DUMP HIM! or you’re literally gonna get recorded and that shit will be sent to ur family and friends… you will end up being more bullied! So leave this creeeep
I think he needs therapy, this isn’t normal behavior, and id encourage you to take a break from him and reevaluate thus relationship, his behavior is very unhealthy.
Some sort of weird projection going on from his side here…all of it reallllly rubs me the wrong way. My two cents is cut your losses and get the he’ll out of there. Oh, and NTA btw
Do you see the irony of him saying it was to protect himself and then you posting it on social media?
Nta. His behavior is creepy.
If he knows your story he clearly believes you lied too. He doesn’t trust you and honestly is a creep. Run
Get.. out.
If you feel like you can’t trust him, or that he doesn’t trust you, then you have a hell of a relationship problem.
If he’s recording you without your consent, you have a huge privacy problem in your home, who knows what else he’s recorded?
Either way, it might be time to start looking for alternative housing.
So he’s going to record you every time? This is just weird. Move on.
Get out and get out NOW. My girlfriend usually giggles and shrugs me off and says “not now!!” The same as I do when she does something similar to me but we also know we’re doing it to tease each other. She has 100% control in ANY sexual intimacy that we have as do I- no matter if we had talked about being intimate on a certain day if neither is feeling it. Hell we were going to be intimate today but I realized that because we’re going to be apart for a week due to her family vacation and the fact that she had confessed being intimate before separating for a while messes with her mentally I asked her if she really wanted that and gave her the autonomy to withdraw consent. Any loving caring partner would never use previously given consent for intimacy on a particular day against you OR try to seriously initiate sex while you’re clearly preoccupied and then be upset when you turn them down in that moment
NTA. He is trying to manipulate and guilt trip you into doubting and ignoring your feelings and into always giving in when he is initiating. He uses your past expierences with SA against you or doesn’t believe it happened. Highly concerning behaviour and it seems you are not safe around him.
NTA. Sounds like just the beginning of SA and DV. Get out now before it gets worse. No one is that worried about “being falsely accused” if they’re a normal person and not doing creepy manipulative things. Source– Ex Cop (I know, I regret it). But I’ve seen shit like this turn bad fast. Also your age difference is concerning at this stage in both your lives. Together at 21 and 26? He just wants someone impressionable to manipulate. Not saying you’re not mature. But why isn’t he dating someone his own age +/- a year or two. Five is a lot for your twenties. He’s using your past trauma to gaslight you into thinking his behavior isn’t weird. What a gross dude.
Pfft NTA what a creep.
NTA
You need to go. This is not normal! He needs to grow TF up!
He’s worried about that after dating you for a year? There’s something wrong with your bf or this post
NTA. All of this is just one huge red flag after huge red flag. You’ve just moved in together and he’s pulling this kinda BS? The mask is off, he’s showing you who he is; a manipulator who will go to insane lengths to coerce you, manipulate and gaslight you into doing what he wants. Someone who’s happy to use the threat of leaving to upset you, someone who is happy to use past trauma to get under your skin, someone who when you say no to him will screw with your head and heart until he gets what he wants and/or feels you’ve been sufficiently punished for daring to refuse him.
Pack up and go before you get too far into this and he warps your perception of reality any more.
First, ew at a 26/27 year old dating a 21/22 year old.
2nd, he’s literally conditioning you so that in the future, when he does SA you (and he will. He’s literally laying the groundwork to do so), you’ll think you owed him what he stole.
Women “That would never happen , he’s toxic , run Girl “
Men 🤔
NTA. This guy seems like he’s into Andrew Tate. Dump him immediately. This isn’t normal or healthy behavior.
NTA – he is right, men do need to be careful. This is the wrong way to do it. He is preparing for when he gets found out. I’d sleep with one eye open.
If he twists it, that every argument, where you don’t agree with what he’s saying, means that you’re telling him ‘his feelings are wrong’, he is a manipulative ass, that’s not worth arguing.
He clearly doesn’t believe or support your version of your terrible past experiences.
I wouldn’t trust him to have my back, ever.
What happens if you ever get assaulted again? Is he going to demand video proof of your version of events?
NTA for staying mad. You shouldn’t be staying at all, though.
So creepy bf is creepy and shocked. You a bf problem get a refund as that one is clearly faulty.
JFC break up with this person
Absolutely not!!!
NTA
You need to seriously reevaluate your relationship. As someone who was graped at 14, I am
So sorry that you went through that. I understand how upsetting this would be. My husband knows everything, he knew before we officially started dating even and he has never once blamed me for not being in the mood for something whether or not I’m struggling. He’s never accused me of trying to frame him for SA or anything like that.
He’ll be affectionate, but if I’m not in a good place to reciprocate he immediately backs off and makes sure I’m in a good headspace and then lets me set the pace on if I want to be spicy or not.
He always tells me I never have to feel upset or guilty about saying no.
THATS what a good relationship looks like. I am so incredibly lucky and I am so upset on your behalf that you’re being treated this way. It is unacceptable on so many levels.
Please put yourself first OP.
If you ever need to talk/vent/whatever, please feel free to reach out!
NTA But for the love of everything holy, pack your stuff and leave him!!! He’s a controlling, manipulative c*nt!
Why are you together? Get out now.