I’m sorry this became too long.
I [31M] cheated on my spouse [32F] about two years into our marriage. We dated for 6 years before that. She found out, and her reaction was exactly what you’d expect from someone whose world had been torn apart. It was as if she’d seen someone die in a horrible accident in front of her eyes. She was devastated.
What followed for the next four days was utter chaos…and a lot of it, begging, apologizing…which is not the point of the post, so I’ll keep it aside. And then she inevitably left. But before leaving for her parent’s house, she locked up our bedroom along with another room, and took the keys (it’s a three bedroom apartment, rented by me). I later learned that she left her valuables / jewelries and clothes behind. I assumed that she’d come back sometime soon to collect her things and officially end things with me. But she didn’t.
I returned from work that day to see that she’s left, keeping my laptop and some of my clothes on a spare cot in the guest room. Everything else was locked out except for the main door. I later bought some stuff because I didn’t know when I’d get my hands on mine.
That was ten months ago.
During the initial 4-5 months when I tried to reach out to her through her sister or BIL, to know how she’s been doing, how her job was, I always felt an unspoken, second hand expectation from them – like why was I not flying down to her place to talk to her? Or (since I’m blocked everywhere) why don’t I try to reach her through some other media or a different phone number? Really? That wouldn’t be unwanted invasion of her space, adding to her woes?
I eventually got busy with my life. Waited for the divorce papers to arrive. Started going to therapy to face my own demons. There were issues – both in the marriage and at an interpersonal level between us. And like a sorted, matured, sensible adult I chose to betray the sacred vows and destroy her trust, instead of choosing couples counseling. Or even divorce, when dissent started to appear.
Anyway, her family’s responses often left me unsure of how I should act. On one occasion, her BIL blurted out that apparently my wife said “…if he really wanted to talk to me he’d have found ways.” I didn’t understand – is she still holding onto a prospect of reconciliation? Why? She’s a head-held-high, working woman. I expected someone like her would’ve drawn a hard line. “Once a cheater, always a cheater” and “Once the trust is broken, it can never be rebuilt” – she must have people in her support system to advise her this. Maybe to serve the papers and never look back. I was surprised when that never happened.
And although initially I myself fantasized about the idea of reconciliation, something I now recognize was a classic symptom of guilt and self-centeredness …the fantasy that I could still fix it, the more I went to therapy, the less I wished to get back with her. The closer I walked towards my personal growth, the farther I went away from her because of how our relationship had been.
I realized, too late obviously, that although we had started from the same point, our lives, our needs and our senses of fulfillment were on different trajectories. I have nothing but utter regret, guilt and heartfelt apology for what I’ve done and how my actions caused her to suffer, although that doesn’t change a thing. Yet, the effort and sacrifices required for us to realign our lives and emotions, although possible, is just too much. So much that we’d risk losing our sense of individual identities in the process if not handled with mutual compassion.
Now, after 10 months, I’m also at the precipice of relocating for my job. And I can’t leave the apartment while two of its rooms containing furniture, electronics, and my essentials remain locked. Any form of communication with my in-laws regarding this has been met with some form of vague diversion – “do you really have to move?”, “why can’t you leave your stuff behind?”, “obviously you should take her stuff with you when you move. Why are you talking about your own stuff alone?”
I don’t know how to navigate this. I know she owes me absolutely nothing. We usually tend to impart good advice to victims in situations like these, but I wish you people would make an exception and give some advice to a perp this time. I’m failing to understand:
-
How do I approach her or her family for honest closure, without seeming like I’m pushing her or trying to minimize her pain?
-
Is it fair to fly down to her hometown just to talk to her in person (if she’s willing), and finally ask: Is this going toward reconciliation or permanent separation?
-
If it’s over, which I’ve made peace with, how do I ask her without pressure or disrespect to vacate the apartment, or to let me know if she intends to keep it herself, so I can retrieve my belongings before I relocate?
Thanks.
Comments
Have you thought about contacting an attorney to see what your options are legally?
I’ll admit…TLTR and i didn’t read all.
But as someone who had bad habit of cheating…Move on dude and Try not screw up Next time
You’re in an apartment that you rent? And after 10 months, you haven’t even tried contacting maintenance to see if they can change the locks on the doors that are locked?
You’re moving. You say “relocation”, but how far are you moving? Would it even be feasible to reconcile?
And send her an email and let her know you are moving, and need in those rooms, and if she has things in there, she needs to get them ASAP.
It’s over. File for divorce. Move. Move all the furniture. She’s abandoned it. She doesn’t want it. Just like she doesn’t want you anymore. Next time don’t cheat.
You should reach out other social media or whatever if that doesn’t work you can fly to her but not to reconcile or make a gesture but to just give one final apology and let her know she owes u nothing but as adults you need to figure out the apartment thing and ur willing to do what she needs to whether that be flying her stuff down, paying movers, etc.
It sounds like you want to divorce. So instead of leading her on, just serve her papers. Your actions have been ambiguous. On the one hand, you’ve made no effort to reconcile with her – so you clearly don’t care or love her enough to try. On the other hand, you’ve made haven’t taken action to divorce. Why? My guess is that you have some selfish reason behind it because you very clearly sound like you don’t want to stay.
You get a locksmith to open the locked doors, pack up your stuff and her stuff, mail her stuff to her and then move. Your whole long paragraph about your counseling sounds like you don’t want to reconcile, so don’t even try. Get a lawyer, discuss your options and file for divorce. The apartment is rented by you so she doesn’t have the option to keep it since she’s not a tenant. I think if she’d wanted to work something out, she would have said or done something well before now. It’s been almost a year of no communication, so just move on with your life.
You gotta get in contact with her directly somehow.
Keep it much briefer than this. Tell her youve been trying to give space but cant keep the apartment anymore. Give a date you need to be out by. Ask if she would be willing to talk in person. Try to get paper trail of this.
If nothing just move and drop her crap off with family.
Quite the novel there. Unlock the doors, FedEx her valuables to the in-laws, move, file for divorce.
Bro change the locks??!
Kick the fcvking door in
Do you want to reconcile? If you do not, send a clear message to her family through all available channels that-
1.You are moving on X date
2. She needs to contact you before Y date (where Y is less than X) through these methods (provide emails, phone, whatever method you want)
3 explain if she does not contact you then as part of the moving process your landlord will gain possession of anything remaining in the house at the time you leave. Note – check tenancy agreement, you may be charged for house cleaning depending on agreements made.
4 Alternatively, you could look at removing the locks, or asking if the landlord has spare keys, and remove/sell items yourself, however removing the emotional attachment (and perhaps forcing her to understand the gravity of the situation) by handing over the stuff for the landlord to deal with might be a less stressful/guilt trip solution.
If you do want to reconcile, then you need a whole different plan, re-consider the job relocation impact etc etc – that is far less cut and dry to determine a way forward.
I would have had the locks unlocked within days. You’ve not had access to some of your own stuff in your own home for 10 months?
Seems like you lack a lot of initiative. Except when it comes to cheating. Although I guess you were found out.
Get the doors unlocked. Send her family a message to come and collect her stuff. Or box it up and drop it at her family’s house. Move on. Get the divorce sorted yourself.
You need to contact a lawyer, it sounds like you went a divorce either way, so get a locksmith, pack up everything. Break your lease and move, and tell her parents they have x days to pick up her things.
I think you know your marriage is over. You screwed up and she’s given you a years worth of silent treatment and you never tried to contact her or see her when you know where her parents live, so I don’t think you truly wanted to reconcile. You cheated to ruin your relationship because you were too much of a coward to leave.
I’m glad you’re in therapy. Do better.
After 1yr of separation you can apply for divorce.
Make every effort to speak to her. Then make your decision. Yes fly down and have a convo with her.
You could have it shipped to her location and pay for storage for 6 months that way she becomes responsible for her property and has enough time to deal with it at no cost. If you are moving in and want to break then write a letter or find the words to say it to her directly but you need to decide what you want
I’m terms of the 2.locked rooms. It’s your property that you rented. Just because she locked the door doesn’t mean you can’t gain access. If it were me I’d inform the family you’re moving and at this moment you’re unlocking the rooms to move things out. If you want to rent a storage space for a few months for her to come get her things might be an option if no one responds to you.
The rest? If she doesn’t want to be found then let it go. If she’s still playing a game at this point she’s in no space to reconcile or repair anything. She’s in a bad place and probably wants to hurt people, you. But that’s probably part of the problem in your marriage that’s even affecting your split. She’s making you wait. You’re in limbo waiting on her. That doesn’t sound like she’s ready. Good luck with your move
File. Offer a series of closure therapy sessions. Get in the rooms and put her stuff in storage and offer 3 months, then it’s hers to recover
You destroyed her life. That is not fixable. You need to send her a registered letter, by mail, explaining that you are leaving the apartment and she is required to make arrangements to get her things. Or better yet, arrange a divorce attorney and let him do it. Trying to make peace with her will be a waste of time, because of your ultimate betrayal.
It sounds like all of this is your fault. It’s good you realize that and are working on yourself. But yes, hire a locksmith, and pack her stuff and have it moved to her. It’s the least you can do. Sounds like your cheating caused her to have a breakdown.
Let her heal and find someone who likes/loves her.
Either fly down and talk to her or serve her divorce papers. You sound like you’ve come to terms with the marriage being over. So reconciliation at this point sounds pointless.
Stop getting her family involved because if they aren’t even relaying information to her, its falling on deaf ears and she’ll be pissed to find out her stuff is gone because you moved. Although locking 2 rooms in your apartment for 10 months is crazy. I would have called the landlord after a week at most to have the locks changed, especially if I had things I needed in those rooms.
Try and contact her again (something that leaves a trail that you did in fact contact her) or contact her through a lawyer and express that you will be moving from your apartment by x date and you will have a locksmith come to open the doors so you can vacate your items. If she wants her belongings, she can come back for them or you can offer to ship them to her or dump them. These are her options.
Do not offer to pay for a storage or take them with you.
Oh my, aren’t you some Saulus-to-Paulus-saint. So much personal growth of you, so much weird praise of your exwife as a strong, proud woman, so much virtue signaling how you gave her space… I’m sick of it.
Get your locks opened professionally and file for divorce, you coward. You just didn’t want to do the final step yourself, that’s why you ate dragging this out so much.
Pathetic.
OP
You are both delaying moving on with your lives.
You are the one who cheated. It’s fine to give her space but at this point what is it you are waiting for? For her to come back to you on her knees to reconcile? She isn’t blameless either with the silent the
Sounds like either you want to reconcile but don’t want to deal with the possibility of rejection or consequences for your cheating or want divorce but don’t want to file so you don’t look like the bad guy. You can’t expect to get back together without having to deal with facing the difficult journey and hard work it’s going to take to build your marriage again.
Fly down there, bang on the door, talk to her, tell her how you feel and face the music. No more of this middle school performances. You both have issues with communication.
Do not fly down and surprise her in person. You will possibly catch charges for this. At best, you will reintroduce drama into your life that you don’t need.
This is your apartment, too. You can open those doors any time. You should do this now, and take a rough inventory of what she stored.
Ask an in-law to get a message to her. You’re moving, and if she wants her belongings, she needs to make arrangements. You may offer to move them for her; this would be diplomatic and kind.
It would be best if the two of you did not see or talk to one another. I agree that getting back together would be in nobody’s best interests, as she’d be looking over her shoulder forever. Any other result from you communicating can only be a negative one.
Aside from passing messages through an in-law, you should send a letter through certified mail. You’re moving on X date, and property that isn’t removed will be liquidated. Keep a copy of the letter for your records. Hopefully she gets or stores her stuff, but if you get no response, you need to protect yourself come divorce time.
For the love of God man, change the locks on the damn door and quit the poetry. Send her or her family a letter detailing the fact you’ve tried to contact her about her belongings, and you won’t be renewing your lease and need guidance on how/if she would like her items back.
Sounds like you both moved on and you just wanted to vent about your personal growth. Great for you bud, but you don’t need Ocean’s 13 to break into a vault, this isn’t that complicated.