I don’t want my to bf find out about this, hence the throwaway account.
We have been dating for 2 years now and recent comments from my boyfriend has been concerning me.
For a bit of context.. I am a medicine resident working 36hr shift with a 12hr off call period and 1 days off in a week. Bf is a software developer with a 9-5 job and weekend off and flexible work hrs.
I met my bf before I started my residency and starting dating within a few months. I had a lot of free time before I started my residency so I would cook a lot of meals,desserts at home, get ready..put on a nice outfit and visit my bf during his lunch hours. It was my favourite activity of the day. He would wait for me in the parking with flowers everyday. Very cute. We did that for 5-6 months and then I got busy with my residency. We had little time between jobs to see each other and decided to move in together after our first anniversary. We have been very compatible roommates, dividing chores, he mostly does all the housework and cooks food..bring me food whenever he is free. Both of us very happy together.
So it was very evident when his behaviour started shifting. He has started to be very particular about how my physique is (we used to workout together previously, now I don’t), the type of clothes i wear, how I style my hair, if I put on makeup or not, how I keep my nails, etc. It has also become a routine now for him to keep commenting on my music choices (I have started listening to a lot of rap music when I am getting ready for work). He has been telling me the type of music I have been listening to is making me less feminine. Vulgarity doesn’t suite a woman’s tongue. He also has been complaining that I don’t put in efforts into dressing up when we go out for dates anymore. I really like dressing up as well but i don’t have the energy for it.
I have asked him multiple times if he is joking, trying to annoy me or actually serious about his comments and He always tells me be more ‘ladylike’ while asking questions to a man.
He knew what he was getting himself into. We were doing great as a unit even after I started my residency. Idk what has changed in a last few months that has influenced him to be like this. Anyone who has gone through something similar or has any idea about this type of behaviour? I really need some advice.
I am already on the edge most days because I am severely sleep deprived and I don’t want to say something stupid and end up ruining our relationship.
TL;DR :
bf and I very happy together till recently. I started my medical residency and now he is being critical about my external appearance and music taste. He won’t give me a straight answer for what he means by all this. I am very exhausted and annoyed by the sudden shift. Do I ignore it or take him seriously?
Comments
Doesn’t seem to me like you could ignore it.
“ He knew what he was getting himself into.”
Did he? He’s not acting like it.
Why are you with this dude
Anytime someone your dating tells you that you need to be different, it’s time to go. Never allow someone else to dictate to you, who you should be.
>Vulgarity doesn’t suite a woman’s tongue.
Oh fuck that. What year is this, again?
And why do you want this guy? He’s controlling you like crazy.
Leave, find someone better. He is on some other shit.
There is a rapper from the 90’s named Akinyele. Put on 2 of his songs the next time you are getting ready for work and he is around. They are called Put it in my mouth and Fuck me for free. He will live those lol.
He got too comfortable with the situation and he thinks now is the time to show his true colours which is controlling towards you. You should dump him before it gets more harming. You will be much better without him. After this he only will be more aggressive with you, don’t wait for that.
Controlling someone’s way of living is never a love language…please do not let him decide your choices for you… it’s rubbish to get controlled….. you’re not a katputli broo..Say him the exact same thing to not listen to particular jenre he used to listen and you’ll see the magic bby…tada say by to him forever..
what’s a 36 hour shift? you work for 36 hours non stop and then get 12 hours off?
Honestly I feel like he‘s insecure because he feels inferior to you, which ist not corresponding with gender roles. You have a job thats highly respected in society and he‘s just an average Joe.
he’s sounds like one of those red pill podcast guys. At any rate , you should ask yourself if one of your friends came to you with these problems, what would you tell her? Hopefully to leave him because this is sexist bullshit
Dump his ass. It started when you started residency because he’s threatened by your career and clearly wants a trad wife he can control.
Do you want to date a man who doesn’t like or respect you, and never will?
As a woman who enjoys a lot of ‘vulgar’ music (metal head here) your bf can fuck ALL the way off!
So he liked you more when you were ‘wife-ing’ for him and now you’re focusing on your career he thinks you need to change. Hell no!
This guy isn’t looking for a partner who he can be on the same level as. He wants a pretty little doll, who cooks him food, looks good and doesn’t complain.
You’re deserve someone who will lift you up and support you, not make you small and quiet.
Take it very seriously. I’ve seen some guys go down the red pill manosphere. Can’t reason with them and for all they want to be strong men, they become helpless, need someone to feed and clean up after them, and manage their emotions, and always look pretty for them.
Ffs just send him packing. His attitude belongs in a museum. Declutter him.
He sounds kinda shitty but on the other hand you’ve changed a LOT. You don’t work out anymore, you’re a lot busier, you don’t get ready like you used to… started listening to different music as well? While I understand your schedule, it seems like neither of you were acting in a sustainable way during your initial honeymoon period. It’s normal to not really show your true self at first , that’s why usually it takes a year or two to truly know someone
The vulgarity not being for women thing is a poor viewpoint and I don’t like that at all, there may be some deeper troubling predjudices there.
But I don’t know op, you sound like a totally different person than when you met, maybe you two aren’t really compatible at this point… 🙁 you need to focus on your career and most of all you need someone who is supportive and loves you for your work ethic and drive, and who gets along with you in all your versions.
Fuck. That.
To be more ladylike when asking questions to a man?
Run, girl, he’s a tater tot.
Nothing changed. He’s just showing you who he really is now that you’re living your life. Only going to get worse from here! That’s how abuse starts.
Your in residency, you have zero time to do anything but work and maybe sleep a little, that’s why your physical standards are down . It’s part of that lack of time and energy. If he can’t understand that then he can go. I think you need to leave him anyways because he sounds like he’s letting his true self show now, “ the man” controlling his woman.
Date someone that likes you for you and supports you in all seasons. He is not him.
Your bf sounds like a weenie
Sounds like he’s jealous about you becoming a doctor and being better than him do he’s trying to control you. He’s an insecure little beast and needs to get over himself. Frankly, you need positive support during this time and not an overgrown child consuming redpill garbage. Plenty of other guys out there who would be very proud of you right now.
Given that this is fairly new behavior for him, I wonder if he hasn’t started using his free time wandering around the manosphere. A lot of the things he’s saying are definitely in their territory.
Dump him, can’t you see how controlling he is?
You’re an intelligent person.
You are financially independent.
Don’t put up with any more of this nonsense. He won’t stop. He’ll get worse.
Break up, move out, find someone better. It won’t be difficult.
In fact, he didn’t know what he signed for. Residence is a marathon, a battle, a natural catastrophe. He didn’t know what it really means.
After your reddened you won’t be the same person ( it is that aim if a residence, or any intensive training). So if winf resolve with time.
You need to have a deep cinvo with him.
First of all, you sound like an incredibly hardworking, kind, and thoughtful person. You are a full-time medical resident running on almost no sleep, yet you still try to show up for your partner. That is impressive and deserves respect.
What your boyfriend is doing now is not respectful of you.
A partner should not dictate what you wear, how you style yourself, what music you listen to, or how “ladylike” you are. That kind of behavior is controlling and slowly undermines your confidence. It is not just his opinion when he keeps pressuring you even after you have made your feelings clear. It is him trying to impose his preferences on you and ignoring your needs and boundaries.
You are already a good partner, even while exhausted. The fact that he criticizes you for not being “feminine” enough or calls your music “vulgar” says more about him than it does about you. You have not stopped being worthy of love and respect just because you are working hard and have less time for makeup and desserts.
I strongly suggest you take this seriously. Do not ignore it. Someone who truly loves you would understand your exhaustion and appreciate you for who you are right now. They would not punish you for failing to meet some outdated fantasy of a perfect housewife.
If he refuses to reflect on his behavior or make changes after you speak honestly with him, you need to ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to invest your time and energy in.
You deserve someone who accepts and loves all of you, not just the parts that fit into his idea of what a woman should be.