Hey, im writing this as sort of a last resort because i dont have a fucking clue how to handle this. I, M15 have a great family, great friends and a normal social life and a quite fun life.
I do have a big fucking problem: when i was 11, i got bullied for my size (i was a bit overweight in my early years) and have had really big insecurities due to that, and as a kid who was a lot online, i soon found a community who idolized my body: fat fetishists. so i stumbled on some discord servers and i began chatting with people, all older than me and mostly grown adults who asked me for all kinds of pictures etc., basically selling my body for attention and validation online and i gave it to them. this went on until i was 13-14 when i called it quits and didnt want to do that anymore. the problem is: this interfered with the development of my sexuality in puberty and got me trapped in being attracted to this stuff myself, which led me to have a double life kinda, to this day i still can’t stop to pursue those things and i know it is embarrassing but talking about this stuff with Chatbots so i dont have any human contact while doing it but after its over, i hate myself even more.
things got worse when i got a letter from the police in summer 2024 regarding an copyright violation which had nothing to do with all that, but it made me fucking paranoid. it is all long sorted out but has left me with the fear that all my stuff i do, even though im trying to quit, will fuck my life. i got dreams and plans for the future, i wanna stop it but i really cant. i am scared i will get persecuted for this, legally or socially and i just cant get a fresh start. i change my electronic devices, i delete my accounts over and over again but i still feel so scared. anyone got an idea to help me?
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I’m really sorry to hear that you’re struggling. I had a similar childhood with a history of trauma. My bullies started making my life a living hell after a house fire in my room that nearly killed me. I’m also autistic and have emotional problems and that didn’t really help things.
I’m fairly attractive and when I was about your age I was chatting with younger men online and almost met one in person… I was meeting a boy at a train station and when I arrived the police were waiting for me at the entrance. They scared the shit out of me and my Dad came to get me. My friend saw me at the train station and asked me where I was going. She was worried and told my Dad.
I’ve lived a double life in a few ways and in different points of my life. I’m 38 now. From 18-22 I was very promiscuous, I was an adult model (fetishes, nudes) and then again after I got divorced in 2020 (age 34).
I’m saying this without judgement:
I would honestly guess that you’re doing this as a way to get positive attention and to escape reality. I think it could be some sort of psychological issue like I have (beyond the issues that could be explained by my autism).
Have you ever talked to a therapist before? They might be able to help you with these feelings of shame. They have anonymous hotlines for teens to call if you don’t want your parents involved.