Anytime I try to protect my space or say no it turns into guilt trips and drama they act like I’m selfish or ungrateful but I’m just tired of always being available for everyone else how do you actually set boundaries with family without it turning into a huge fight or making it worse
How do you set boundaries with family without starting a war
r/Advice
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Generally it’s all about cool calm communication. However this is very difficult in families which is why family therapists exist.
Setting boundaries is about honoring your own needs, and it’s okay if others don’t like them at first. You can acknowledge their feelings say, “I get that this is hard for you” without backing down. They’re your boundaries, and you get to keep them. With consistency, the guilt-tripping tends to lose steam… and if it doesn’t, you’re still free to protect your peace and move forward in your own space.
Stay calm, repeat yourself like a broken record, don’t make excuses or argue. Let them throw the blame, just ignore it.
You have to just accept that in families with boundary issues, boundaries are going to start a war. You have to set the boundaries that work for you, and hold them firm without engaging further. As an example, you tell your family, “hey, I can’t come over every week on Sundays anymore for the afternoon, I have to attend to other responsibilities at those times now.” When they get upset and push back, you don’t engage with any of their guilt tripping or anything like that. You simply have to just repeat, “I’m sorry, Sundays don’t work for me anymore,” and hold that line. No engagement with any emotional guilt tripping or arguments, just a simple, repeated, “I’m sorry, no.” Like if they start laying on guilt “but your mother is going to miss you!” or something like that, you have to understand that that isn’t a “you problem,” that’s a “them problem.” When someone expects you to ignore your needs for their comfort, even when they’re used to that, it doesn’t make it your problem, it’s on them for having unrealistic expectations. You don’t need to call this out, you just restate your needs and boundaries and tell them – not ask them, tell them – how things are gonna go. Again, no engagement with any emotional manipulation tactics – don’t disuade, deflect, or defuse, or anything like that, you just say “It’s unfortunate you feel that way, this is how it’s going to be” – and move forward.
Setting boundaries will engender conflict and you can’t avoid that. If you’re conflict averse, you have to deal with it anyway. If you really can’t get over the aversion to conflict, you may consider getting into therapy. But yeah. You set the boundary verbally and firmly, and then you have to stick to it without engaging further.