My son (“Chris”) got engaged about 3 months ago to his longterm girlfriend (“Anne”). My wife (“Beth”) (not my son’s mother) and Anne’s mom (“Ruth”) have become close over the years. In fact, Beth has been working for Anne’s parents for the last couple of years.
After Chris and Anne got engaged, Anne’s parents said they would pay for everything for the wedding. As planning started, it was obvious Chris and Anne had very different expectations for the wedding than Anne’s parents. Anything they pushed back on something Anne’s parents wanted, they would respond, “it is our money, so we get a say.”
Chris and Anne expressed to me that they were frustrated. I asked them to give me an estimate of the type of wedding they wanted. They gave me a rather detailed itemized budget. I looked at my savings and it will not cause any significant financial strain for me to pay for their wedding. I added 10% to the itemized budget they gave me and told them I will pay for the wedding. My only request is there is a dance floor of some kind and I am invited. They agreed.
This has been causing issues for my wife. First, Anne’s parents are pretty livid. They very much had an image of what this wedding should be like and now that isn’t going to happen. This has caused tension in my relationship with them and by extension, my wife’s relationship with them. Second, my stepdaughter recently got married. It was lovely but pretty low-key due to budget constraints. Beth and I maintain separate finances and I did not pay for my stepdaughter’s wedding directly. My stepdaughter is rather pissed about the whole thing. And my wife is rather miffed because she is caught in the crosshairs.
My thoughts are rather simple. I think Chris and Anne should be able to have a wedding they would enjoy and not Anne’s parent’s dream wedding. Also, Beth and I have always had separate finances and that means sometimes one set of kids get to experience something the other set does not. For example, my stepkids went to private school and got international trips. My kids did not. I do not think paying for Chris’ wedding with my separate savings should be an issue.
AITA?
Comments
NTA! You are in a tough spot, but helping out your kid is the right thing here. It does sound like her parents are rather controlling.
NTA, Anne’s parents are the main A’s, but also maybe everyone should just have only the wedding they can afford???
NTA, you are a good parent for looking out for your kid and helping them have the wedding they would like. I hope you would have also been a good husband and discussed this with your wife beforehand so she was aware what may occur after Anne’s parents found out about it all. Esp considering her working for them, I could see how it may put her in an odd spot.
NTA, OP. It’s not about the money, it’s about supporting your son and his wife-to-be’s vision for their special day.
Do what makes your son happy, the issue is her controlling parents not you
IMO, NTA. Your money, your rules mate. I get the whole “but my wedding” argument from Anne’s parents, but if it’s not their version of happiness, then why force it?
Also, sounds like you and your wife set precedents with the whole separate finances thing, so it’s not like you’re pulling this move outta nowhere. No need to feel guilty about making sure your son’s happy on his big day.
As for your stepdaughter, well that’s a toughie. But life ain’t always fair, y’know? Just gotta communicate and make sure she understands the situation.
Stay firm, bro. 👍
u/bot-sleuth-bot
NTA but you probably should have discussed it with your wife ahead of time and come up with a better plan to reduce the fallout.
Nta
Her parents FAFO when they pulled the “it’s our money” card.
If you have separate savings then I think it’s ok but do understand how others might view it or feel about it because it’s money and people can get weird about fairness, feel jealous, etc.
IMO you are NTA and Anne is lucky to have you as her future FIL.
NTA. It really isn’t a gift if they’re controlling everything.
NTA. Anne’s parents used money as a tool to manipulate her and your son, and your offer took their power away. Their feelings about that are their problem.
Since you and your wife have separate finances, your kids have had different experiences. Why would this be the exception to the norm?
This is about what Chris and Anne want for their wedding, and everyone else needs to manage their own feelings about your offer. It’s nice that you were able to help them. If you hadn’t been able to, I imagine that you would have, at most, been able to offer them some emotional support in navigating the conflict with Anne’s parents, and told them to elope if that would make them happier.
Let those kids have the wedding THEY want! It’s their day. Tell her parents they can pay for the wedding the bride and groom want or you will. Plain and simple.
NTA
How you each spend on your own bio children is on each of you since you have separate finances. Her children shouldn’t be miffed about your spending. If her daughter wanted more, she could have asked her bio parents.
Onto the work thing. This is a personal matter. What is happening has nothing to do with work. Your wife’s relationship shouldn’t be affected since she has no responsibility in any of your decisions.
As far as the other parents … these are adult children who should be able to have the wedding they want and can afford or what their family can afford (different cultures do different things). If they weren’t holding the money over their heads, they could have all worked together to plan this together. This isn’t THIER wedding. They’re mad they aren’t in control of someone else’s wedding. That says a lot about them. Red Flags.
They should be thrilled there is going to be a wedding and that they can use their money for something else. They shouldn’t be mad about any of this.
NTA but Chris and Anne could, you know, pay for their own wedding – one within their means?
You should’ve told them elope! And do what they wanted to do
NTA … her parents overplayed their hand. Idk what else there is to say lol
I was with friends yesterday and one was talking about her wedding was what her parents wished they could have had. Her father had become successful and wanted to put on a show with her wedding. If she wasn’t spending enough, he over road her on most of the wedding. She said she was miserable on her wedding day because very little was what she wanted.
Reg your wife and step children -> well, you had made it very clear that your finances will be separate and they went to private school! So no chance of them getting mad about something that doesn’t involve THEIR money. Its YOURS and you choose how you want to spend it.
Secondly – reg the wedding planning, maybe you could have all had a sit down and discussed it in and made some compromises with the agreement that the both parents involved will pay a certain portion.
This is tough as you don’t want to ruin the relationship with your son’ s future in laws
Money for weddings should not be coming with strings attached. Youre doing the right thing to give the bride and groom (not the person paying for it) what they want their day to look at. And your wife should be ashamed of herself. She put herself there. She should stay uncomfortable.
NTA. All that matters is your son and DIL get the wedding they want so they don’t feel resentment. I knew a couple in a similar situation where parents planned it a way they didn’t want. They grabbed their best friends and eloped. They still went through with the fake wedding for families but they caught wind when buddy mentioned a trip for their anniversary a few years later and the parents pieced together they had been married for 6 months before the fake wedding. They got angry and he just shrugged and said we gave you the wedding you wanted so we didn’t invite you to the real one.
NTA. Anne’s parents seem to have forgotten that this is Anne’s wedding, not theirs. They had their turn for their dream wedding and if they didn’t get it, they have no right to force their vision on their daughter and your son.
Her parents were trying to control the wedding with their money. They had their turn. That’s why they are mad.
NTA… it was very kind and generous of you to help your son and his fiancé have the wedding THEY wanted. If your wife hasn’t changed her attitude by the wedding, maybe she should stay home and stew so she doesnt ruin the vibes.
NTA what the hell ? It’s your son of course you did the right thing !
And your stupid stepdaughter is not entilted to your money even more after everything her parents gave her that you did not gave to your children what an entilted brat I would be very very angry that she think she can have a say with what I do with my money. What planet are they coming from ? It’s not her business, and since you have separate finances it’s not your wife business either she can do what she wants with her money and you do the same.
For the ILs they are controlling AH too so ignore them. Just tell them nobody will tell me I can’t help MY SON. Period.
NTA – Your help with the wedding didn’t come to ridiculous expectations or conditions, whereas Anne’s parents used their financial assistance as leverage to get whatever they wanted.
NTA i think you did the right thing.
Too much missing information. How old are Chris and Anne? Why can they not have the wedding they themselves can afford? What “demands” are Anne’s parents making? Are they insisting on a guest list of people the couple does not like; or, are their wants more reasonable? What exactly is the “wedding they (Chris and Anne) would enjoy?” Is it sensible or is it something outlandish meant to shock and embarrass Anne’s parents?
This question written to make OP sound like the knight in shining armor; but, there is too much that was left unexplained.
INFO: Are you a father figure to stepdaughter or are you the guy who married her mom later in life?
NTA and I commend you for looking out for your son. Sounds like the Inlaws are going to be a headache and want to manipulate and control their lives. Thank you for being an amazing dad.
NTA if you keep separate finances from your partner it’s none of her business as long as you can handle it
NTA. Your stepdaughter got benefits your kid didn’t, now the tables are turned. She needs to grow up. Your wife can tell her this.
Anne’s parents were being really controlling about the wedding & now they’re miffed. Well maybe they should’ve been more hands off. They had a wedding vision for someone else’s wedding. Boo hoo.
Personally I think Chris & Anne should contribute $ to their own wedding (maybe give them their exact budget & let them deal with cost overruns)… but that’s just a personal opinion & not really a reflection on your question. You’re being a stand up dad. Too few of those in these subs.
NTA you son and his partner know what they want and her parents tried to walk all over them. It’s not your fault your wife couldn’t provide for her child what you can do for yours.
Nta. Someone needs to explain to her parents that this wedding isn’t about them & what they want. They are destroying their relationship w their daughter (would hope someone clued me in if I went off the rails). Secondly, it’s not on you to pay for your step daughter’s wedding. I used to go above & beyond, trying to make things equal between my kid & my step. Then (after they are both grown), I realized my mistake. My step had a mom & family to make sure she had it all (love, attention, etc). My daughter was treated like she only got to experience things or have things if her sister did. Her sister got triple everything (parties, Christmas’s, bdays, etc). And I didn’t know I made my own daughter feel like she only mattered when her sister was there. That wasn’t my intention at all. I just wanted my step to feel included. There is nothing wrong with having extra time, love or money on your child. That’s your responsibility. Your child shouldn’t be equal in all ways to someone else’s child (but they should all be treated w respect & fairness).
NTA you are choosing to pay your son’s wedding like your wife could have or maybe did pay for her daughters wedding. Her daughter got international trips and private school and your son did not. Did he fuss? Did you complain? Anne’s parents can be pissed off but now it is their loss as they could have asked for one or two things to be done at the wedding and worked with Chris and Anne but the chose the my money my way route and lost out. NTA
NTA- this is a story of a group of people who do not understand the phrase “stay in your lane”.
Everyone needs to focus on themselves and less on others.
I don’t understand why so many parents won’t let their kids have their dream wedding. It’s THEIR DAY
NTA. Remind Beth that her kids got international trips and private schooling Chris didn’t, because of separate finances, and this is how you’re spending your own money. Suggest she stay out of it with Anne’s parents, and if she can’t, she can suggest Anne’s parents throw themselves a Big Year wedding renewal ceremony and have the wedding they always wanted, rather than force their ideas on Anne.
It’s nice of you to give Chris and Anne the wedding they want. My only suggestion would be to talk to them about whether or not this is REALLY what they want, or if they would rather have that money for say, a down payment to get on the property ladder, or whatever else might be more financially beneficial for them in the longterm.
I know parties are fun, but lemme tell you… I’ll take my mortgage over rent, any time.
NTA as far as Anne’s parents, but YTA in terms of treating your son and stepdaughter so differently
You are not in the wrong at all. It sounds like Anna’s parents are trying to have a wedding that they always dreamed of instead of having a wedding that their daughter really wants. I would definitely be on your Son’s side. And pay for the wedding, because it’s the right thing to do. Your son would have never came to you in the first place if they were not trying to have a wedding that
Was more for them? Then your son and his future wife. And your stepdaughter should not be mad at nobody, but her mother. It had nothing to do with you like you said your savings are different. In your wave, you should understand that. And be on your side, no matter what.
!Updateme
YTA because you are not the bride’s parents and so your offer to pay was totally out of line. Coming in with your money seems fine to you, but obviously from the bride’s patents perspective, you are stealing their job. Now you also made your wife angry. This is typical behavior of rich people unfortunately, using their money to solve arguments. What you should have done is stay out of it and let your son work it out himself. You totally stepped out of your lane and now you’ve caused family schisms. Quite a bang up job! Of course everyone here is saying it’s not your fault, but these are all callow opinions. Next time stay in your lane and don’t be TAH.
NTA. If Anne’s parents want a wedding to their vision, they can throw themselves a vow renewal.
NTA they deserve the wedding they want. And if your finances are separated then it isn’t your fault that your stepdaughter couldn’t get more. If you can afford it it is a lovely gesture. Anne’s parents suck.
MYTA
Traditionally, the bride’s family pays for the wedding. For you to step in with an offer of even more money than Ann’s people can afford (or will spend), could be viewed as an insult. And they would be right. These sorts of issues will lead to a lot of problems down the line.
What you should have done, is gone to Ann’s folks and quietly, yes quietly, offered to help out.
If your kids don’t like the wedding Ann’s people can arrange, then it’s just too fucking bad for them. Let the kids pay for it themselves.
You may not be an asshole, now, but don’t push your luck. You could end up being God’s own asshole over this.
Good for you for stepping up for your son. The stepkids have their own parents to cover their weddings. That’s not your responsibility. Plus, the other parents are being very controlling. Not your fault their controlling behavior has caused the kids to walk away. Don’t apologize or change your mind.
NTA. You can spend your money on whatever you like.
The fact her parents were only paying so they could control them is awful.
You’re putting your kid 1st, and that’s always the right thing in my book.
I’m fine with how you want to spend your money. But Chris and Anne might be missing out on learning a life lesson — if you can’t afford it and someone else foots the bill say “thank you” and get on with it. In two years time the “dream wedding” will be replaced by the “dream home” and so on and so on. I suspect you know all too well that marriages often do not last, especially if the couple is not centered in reality.
NTA
Update me
NTA
Several points: gifts don’t come with strings. If they didn’t want to pay for the wedding the kids wanted, they shouldn’t have offered. They need to stop being selfish.
Your step daughter is a grown ass woman. Tell her to get over it. Your finances are none of her business.
Tell them to serve crab puffs at the reception. Bitches love crab puffs.
Will you be able to reciprocate with your other children? Seems like this is an unnecessary expense unless you can likewise spend on your other children as well.