I (33F) live with my bf (42M) in his really big (too big imo) really nice house. He pays all of the bills besides my personal bills (phone, insurance, internet, car payment, food, gas, etc) which I pay for myself. I wfh full time and take care of his 4 dogs while he’s at work. I do mostly all of the cooking and cleaning. He does his own laundry, mows the lawn himself (most times) and on occasion will help with dishes or put meat on the grill for me. When I make dinner, I make enough for leftovers so that he will have something to take to work for lunch. I always put it into a container for him and then into the fridge for him to grab and put into a bag and then into his backpack the next morning. According to him, I don’t “pack his lunch for him and I should be”. Am I being lazy and/or inconsiderate by not putting the leftovers in a bag for him and then into his backpack so that he can just grab it and go?
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I (33F) live with my bf (42M) in his really big (too big imo) really nice house. He pays all of the bills besides my personal bills (phone, insurance, internet, car payment, food, gas, etc) which I pay for myself. I wfh full time and take care of his 4 dogs while he’s at work. I do mostly all of the cooking and cleaning. He does his own laundry, mows the lawn himself (most times) and on occasion will help with dishes or put meat on the grill for me. When I make dinner, I make enough for leftovers so that he will have something to take to work for lunch. I always put it into a container for him and then into the fridge for him to grab and put into a bag and then into his backpack the next morning. Am I being lazy and/or inconsiderate by not putting the leftovers in a bag for him and then into his backpack so that he can just grab it and go?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I don’t help my bf get ready for work by packing his lunch. It may make me the asshole cause I work from home where he goes into the office so he’s in a rush in the morning where I’m typically already working
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. He’s 42, not 2.
The post doesn’t have a conflict, is this something he’s upset about? If it’s a non issue for him, why is it something you’re thinking about at all?
He’s got a fuck maid and he’s sad he has to put a lunchbox in his own bad? There is not a violin small enough for a song for him.
Nta
NTA
There are NO rules about this. There’s only what the two of you have agreed to. Neither of you gets to make those rules, you have to do it together with one exception: Neither of you can “hold out” on a rule to make the other person do something. You can’t make him wash your car on weekends or even take out the trash. Nor can he MAKE you walk his dogs or put his lunch in his backpack.
That being said: If you’re choosing to draw the line, something’s up. Either that specific task happens at a time when you have little or no extra seconds, or there’s something amiss in the (imbalanced) relationship.
If you were married, it would not matter who makes the most money (in a perfect world) just that you both have full time jobs with similar commutes taking up roughly the same amount of time for each day. Any imbalance in work hours would be made up by extra household tasks for the person with less work. In a perfect world. We’re not in that, and you seem to be removing some rose-colored glasses. The question is why.
NTA but I am an equal earning spouse and if I make something I pack it for my husband and he does same for me. It’s whatever your relationship is.
Just so you know my 6 and 8 year olds get their lunches from the fridge and put into their backpacks before school
Are you making yourself feel guilty by not acting even more like a mom to him than you already are? If you are happy with splitting up household duties this way then I completely respect your choice. But I don’t really understand it (or need to as it’s not my life). You both work full time but you do almost everything in the home and take care of the dogs? That doesn’t feel fair to you at all.
You do more than I do. I put all leftovers in A container and if anyone wants to take some for lunch, they take what they want and put it into a smaller container. And if there are no leftovers, everyone is responsible for making their own lunch.
On a rough morning where peopel may be out of sorts/ rushed, if asked, I’ll make someone their lunch. But that’s the exception, not the rule.
NTA it’s ridiculous he can’t reach into the fridge and get it.
NTA
But you know you are just a live in maid right? I’m hos age and I would laugh him right out the door in the morning if he said that to me. You pay for almost every you use and you do everything for him. Scratch that, you are actually his stand in mother. Ew.
NTA for sure.
You’re not his mom. You already make his lunch which is very thoughtful and kind.
Next he’s going to expect you to wipe his butt for him.
NAH – it’s all the agreement you have with each other. If he would ‘like’ you to as a favour to do this for him, he can ask you.
NAH, but you should do it as you asks, in return for free rent.
Did he call you lazy? If so, that’s a problem.
Does he do the dishes after dinner or sit on his butt while you work the third shift?
If third shift, is the step of putting the leftover container in his bag and not the fridge after dinner the final straw? A “FFS he can at least do that!” moment?
NTA. Was in some sort of terrible accident where he was left without the use of his hands? I’ve lived with my wife for almost 14 years and she’s never packed my lunch nor did I expect her to. What she has done is remind me I left my lunch on the kitchen table when I’m halfway out the door so I don’t forget it, which I appreciate.
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NTA. Hope w/e put this thought in his mind don’t eff up his whole marriage.
You can’t be serious
NTA he’s not a child, he is old enough to be able to pack his own lunch!
He is an adult and can pack his own lunch.
So basically he’s pissed because the housekeeper he has sex with isn’t pulling her weight! I said the sarcastically because you’re not being treated properly
NTA. You do more than enough. He can put it in a bag and take it with him if he wants to eat.
That feels like a weird thing to get upset about.
NTA. He can do it himself!
NTA
If he wants a domestic servant he can hire one.
NTA but also blind to the red flags. You’re gracious enough to cook and put food aside for his meals, and instead of being appreciative, he’s finding something to nitpick at to make you feel as if you’re not doing enough. You are. You’re providing free dog sitting, cleaning, and cooking in exchange for room and board, and you still have to work to pay your bills. Ensure you start building a moving fund because this behavior can go left real quick
NTA! You’ve already put it in a container, he can do the rest. You’re his gf not his mom or maid!
NTA. This is what he cares about? Does he actually like you or just want an employee that follows his instructions? You know this person best, maybe you can talk to him and he will change is mindset, but it seems unlikely. Unfortunately you find yourself in a relationship with a built in power imbalance so he feels free to take these petty jabs at you and when he does they have an outsized impact. You should think carefully about your future and how you want to spend it.
maybe you should also chew the food for him
What a baby.
Are you his mom???
NTA
Wtf you’re not his mum! He’s quite capable of opening a fridge, taking a container out and putting it in his own bag!
You cooked it, put it in the fridge for him, probably cleaned up everything afterwards. You do the majority of the housework. But you’re lazy because you didn’t pack his lunch for him like he’s 5?!
NTA. He’s a grown ass man and can pack his own lunch.
He doesn’t want a partner, he wants a mommy
NTA
This man is taking advantage of you. All this stuff you’re doing he would have to pay someone else a lot of money to do, including sex. He’s not even paying your bills. You’re worth more than this.
Just WTF, does he also call you mommy?
What, pray tell, is the standard operating procedure on correctly packing a lunch? Can he provide a pdf or slideshow because I am confused as to what he believes you are doing wrong.
NTA and as the poet lore Megan Thee Stallion says, he ain’t your daddy, you’re not his baybay. You need to put those words into practice.
NTA. It seems that he has entered this relationship with a lot of assumptions (possibly along the lines of “traditional gender roles”?) about how your lives and the labour therein should be divided. I am suspicious of him treating these things as a given that you are failing at, but sometimes it’s purely that he hasn’t examined his position.
I’d recommend a process where you first both write, independently, what you think a functional split looks like for your relationship, and what any red lines (unnegotiable points) might be. Then come together and see if you can negotiate to a comfortable middle ground where you both get what you need. If he is not able to participate in that sort of process, I’d seriously consider how conflict resolution works in your relationship, and if that method can be used. If there is no safe method, I would regard this as a major problem for continuing the relationship.
What the f? It’s so sad he was born with no hands.
Your man is 42! He’s a big boy that can put his lunch in his Star Wars backpack!
ESH. Is this really a hill either of you wanna die on? Seems like a nothing-burger.
NTA
He’s a grown ass man who can pack his own lunch.
NTA
And eye roll to him….. like c’mon, he can’t do the last 1% of opening the fridge and transfering a container to his backpack?!
This is very strange.
So, he pays for his house and the utilities in his house, you pay all of your own bills and food.
So in return for what you would pay in rent and utilities to him you instead take care of his house and his dogs, plan and cook the meals, then pack him up a daily lunch (saving him the time/effort or money of making or buying something himself) and put it in the fridge so it doesn’t go bad….
And he thinks that stuff isn’t worth what he’s not making in rent and utilities? He thinks – in addition to all that – you should also put the lunch in his bag for him. Like a 5 year old.
Maybe its time to figure out how much rent and half the utilities would cost and what the going rate of a full time house keeper, dog sitter, personal cook and assistant would cost. Compare the two. See if he’s really owed any additional services.
NTA
He’s (supposedly) a grown man–he can pack his own damn lunch.
Y T A as he is the master of his house and you should do as you’re told. Moving forward, once dinner is done and you’ve put the food into a container, you should immediately that night put the container in a bag and then into his backpack.
Does he like you barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen?
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My husband and I generally eat leftovers for lunch on work days. I portion them into containers so we can grab them quickly and then he’s on his own because he’s a grown adult.When we were both going into work, we’d sometimes tag team if we were packing at the same time (like I grab the food and he grabs the cutlery), but that’s it.
NTA. Dude needs to be grateful for his nicely portioned leftovers and grow up.
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NTA. He has hands.
NTA.
I seem to be missing the part where your 42yo boyfriend can”t take the container from the fridge and put it into his own damn bag.
Does he have a phobia of fridges? Does a monster live in there?
I started making my own lunch and putting it in my bag when I was 7, so I don’t understand why he can’t grab a premade lunch from the fridge. NTA
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Are you serious? If you want to keep making his lunch: I’d put it in a container, put the container in a bag and put that in his backpack – immediately after dinner. Might be a little furry the next day at lunch, but maybe that’s a him problem.
Good lord, are you the maid or his mother. Does he struggle opening the refrigerator to get it out himself. Perhaps having a conversation about expectations should happen, sooner than later. NTA
NTA.
It should be obvious why. Also that statement coming from 42M personally gives me the ick lol
NTA. He could ask you to prep his bag but no it’s not something you just should be doing. Youvaren’t his mommy or his paid help.
NTA
My husband packs my lunch bag for me almost every morning. It’s waiting for me on the counter when I go to grab it. Just this morning he refilled my honey jar that I forgot about which is not something that I ever expect him to do for me. I appreciate it so much.
When our schedules were a bit different I would make his coffee each morning. Make sure he had a cup to drink and one ready to go in a thermos. He appreciated that too.
Some days one of us might be running behind, so we grab our own stuff instead. That’s fine too.
It is never demanded, and not doing this never made either of us lazy. It is just a way we like to show care for each other.
I don’t think it would have been unreasonable for him to ask, nor would it have been unreasonable for you to say no. But him being outright rude is inappropriate.
NTA. It seem like he sees himself as more important in the relationship, rather than seeing you as equals.
My husband once complained that I didn’t make his sandwich “right” guess who has been making his own lunch for the last 8 years. He’s amazing 90% of the time but when he puts his foot in it he definitely puts his foot in it.
Are you sure he isn’t (4M) ?
When I make enough for my partner to have leftovers for lunch, or make something specifically for him to take, he thanks me in the morning while he packs it into his bag, and often thanks me again in the evening with some sweet kisses thrown in for good measure.
He notices the comfort and ease I bring to his life, and would not dream of picking apart what else I might be doing.
Sorry your bf sucks and doesn’t like or see you.
Girl… we are the same age and the only people I do this for (or close to this) are my elderly family members I frequently caretake.
He doesn’t respect your job, or everything you do already. He has expectations, which sounds like you being the housewife that handles the household and him getting his mommy maid since he is the ‘breadwinner’.
You’re young. There’s a reason he’s dating nearly a decade younger. Please listen to the comments. NTA but you will be the longer you entertain this.
What is he three?
NTA, but if he was going to be so ungrateful to me then I’d stop making leftovers for him full stop. He can make his own lunch entirely. Better yet, how many times a week does he even cook supper? Because I have a feeling the answer is zero.
if it’s portioned out and in a portable container, he’s TA. all he has to do is grab and go.
even if you put it inside a bag in the fridge, he would still have to get it out and put it in his backpack … unless he expects you to stand in the kitchen and hand it to him before he leaves?
Hear me out. Buy him a blues clues backpack and pack his lunch and give it to him.
Pack him in a bag
Is he serious?! 😂 He’s precious