My wife (32f) and I (25m) got married to my wife on Jan this year, my wife is alot older than me and I know despite our age difference I married her because I truly thought of her as my own family and I thought we can move forward together as a couple, a team and life partners.
But ever since I got married to my wife her bunch of friends always insult me everytime they get a chance, at first they said that I didn’t need to marry a woman so much older than me and I just brushed it off.
But now they are saying that I’m a gold digger and I married my wife just for money, my wife is a widow she got most of her late husband’s money.
I would try to defend myself and I told them that I am capable enough to earn my own and I also inherited alot of money from my parents and I have more money than they could ever imagine.
But that didn’t stop them and they would keep insulting me I asked my wife to stop her friends but she didn’t do anything for me.
So I told my wife that I want to divorce her, she freaked out and she asked me, I told her that I want a divorce because her obnoxious friends keep insulting me and you don’t do anything to defend me and I feel like she doesn’t respect me as her husband so I want to leave.
My wife cries and she said she will cut her friends off and she doesn’t want to lose me but I said I want a divorce, I told her that I have done everything in my power for her but she can’t even defend me infront of her friends and I don’t want a wife who can’t even have my back I would rather stay single, the only reason I married her was because I love her.
it’s been 2 days since I have stopped talking to her, she cries all day and it hurts me to see her crying, she says she will do everything for our marriage and asks me to not give up, but I think my wife doesn’t respect me or our marriage she never defended me so why should I stay married to her?
Comments
i think u are overeacting
I’m not a fan of telling people if they should stay married or not, you should decide how much of a dealbreaker v how much you love this person and if there’s resolutions. I mean…she’s said she’s sorry and is offering solutions…all I’ll say is…there’s clearly conversations to be had as shes amenable to changing things…unless you’re resolute in your conviction that you don’t want to, then…hey
If any of this is true, the issue is your wife doesn’t have a backbone. It doesn’t have to involve cutting off her friends, but having a direct conversation with them to say that she doesn’t appreciate these comments and doesn’t want to hear them talk shit about you in this way.
I don’t think you really loved her if this is where you want to end it before attempting to work it out.
As big of a red flag as her not responding when you asked her to stop them is it is at least a big of a red flag that she wouldn’t stop it on her own without you asking
You seem rather adamant on divorce rather than working through this issue. I’m not saying you aren’t justified, you should be with someone who always has your back and is on your team. Seems she is finally acknowledging her part, and this might be a good time to get some counseling to help heal the betrayal you must feel. It’s your call, but if you love this woman as you say you do, you shouldn’t give up. NTA
Is there anything else going on that upsets you? Is the only issue her friends?
That’s a legitimate issue and she should stand up for you, but it sounds like an issue you two might be able to resolve (she tells her friends to STFU, you stop spending time with her friends, etc..) Maybe some less drastic tactics could have worked?
I say NTA for feeling the way you do, but I do wonder if divorce is necessary here if everything else in the relationship is good.
YTAH
Yeah lol that post was hard to read 😅 it’s been 6 months and you want to divorce because friends are mean? Are they around like all the time or something? Sometimes people we love have friends we dislike but there seems to be a lot missing if this is a real story … it also sounds like you got teased and can’t handle it . I think you got married too fast if this is your solution 6 months in thank god she isn’t pregnant, the poor woman married a child
Dude, NTA. Yr in a marriage, not some loose friend group. If she can’t have yr back now, what’s it gonna b like down the road? U gave her the chance 2 stand up 4 u and she didn’t. Respect is the foundation of any relationship, if she can’t give u that, bye Felicia. She’s guilt tripping u now, don’t fall 4 it. Stay strong, bro. There’s a lot more 2 love than just feelings, actions speak louder than words n hers aren’t saying good things rn.
Yeah YTA- a grossly fake overreaction.
To err is human. To forgive divine. She did not commit adultery. She just did not defend you is all. Important yes but sje deserves a chance to make this right.
You sound kind of childish to me tbh.
Pull your skirt down dog, your slip is showing
You’re acting a bit immature. So what if they think you’re a gold digger. Brush it off and ignore them. When I get insulted, I make a joke of it. Maybe you should too. It shouldn’t be a deal breaker
I gotta say NTA though, these friends sound like a real drag and your wife’s lack of support is disappointing as hell… I mean, if you can’t count on your partner to have your back, who can you really trust in this life?
“she never defended me so why should I stay married to her?”
You have a respect issue to work out. and it is worth working that out. There are a hundred things that will come up in a successful marriage. That’s why it’s call a relationship – it is about relating to one another.
Where I come from, a man should take a stand first and foremost. Tell them that a married couple’s personal financial affairs are absolutely None of their business. Your wife would ideally second that opinion. But I’d get in their faces first. (no more of this explaining “…and I told them that I am capable enough to earn my own and I also inherited money…I have more money than they could ever imagine.) as though you owe them or anyone an explanation.
How is she in other aspects of her life? Is she like this with co-workers or family? Does she defend them or is it just you that she’s like this? Perhaps some type of counseling might bring up something deeper? Like someone else stated, you are the only one who knows when you hit your limit but 6 months may deserve a second chance?
I’d try to make the marriage work
You are the asshole. You are married. You don’t just unilaterally decide something before you speak to her about it. Did you ask her to defend you? She may not have because you are a man and she thinks defending you would immasculate you. Did you ask her why her friends might treat you that way? And the MOMENT you talked about divorce she said she would cut her friends off.
Maybe you shouldn’t be married. Maybe you aren’t mature and developed enough to know what marriage is.
Since you both have money, this is a good problem to take to a couple’s therapist.
YTA. A big one. Do you want a wife or second mom? Learn to defend yourself.
Just divorce her. She will resent you should she cut her friends off. The insults have been ongoing. Only now that you have threatened divorce does she see the need to stand up for you. NO! Divorce her old self!
As someone who’s been with their partner for 30 years, your spouse is your rock. If she doesn’t have your back now after you told her many times. She will never will.
She’s 7 years older. Thats not “a lot”
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Your wife (or husband) should always be your BIGGEST supporter in life. Imo it’s very disrespectful not to stand up for your spouse, no matter who is putting them down
It’s unpopular, but YTA. She offered to cut her friends off? That’s huge. Your communication sucks. Her reaction sounds like an accession. You should have realized this. YTA
NTA – But:
I’m enjoying this post with a bucket of salt tbh.
She’s gone!!!!!!
I think you need to give your marriage a little more time. She was learning about marriage just like you. Give her a chance to make it better. She now knows that YOU are more important than keeping her friends. You love her, give it at least 6 more months. Tell her to not cut off the friends because then you will look controlling and her friends will play on that. Instead bring some of your friends to meet her friends.
7 years is much older? 😂
She and her friends are mean, you jumped right to divorce, and you’re both more concerned with money and gold digging than you are about your actual relationship. ESH
she was wrong and inconsiderate
what kind of dude are you if you cant tell her friends that they’re stupid assholes and to stfu? You grow a spine for divorce but not standing up to some people who mean nothing ?
You both need therapy.
Did you communicate with her before the divorce talk ? Because yeah, she should defend you, but you giving up on your relationship without even trying to make it work… ESH
updateme
YT(absolute)A…
Wtf bro? Her friends are dicks, not your wife. Do you even know what marriage is? First class moron here wants to get a divorce because his fragile ego
INFO: got some questions.
how long were you with her before you two got married? if you rushed in then YTA for expecting the honeymoon phase to last forever (aka the first large chunk of time in a relationship where they feel like “the one” and can do no wrong). real relationships are a lot of work. there are tough conversations, disagreements, arguments, bad days. it’s a matter of how you handle those things that measures the longevity of your relationship.
were her friends also like this before you two got married? what did they act like when you two were only dating or still engaged? if you got a taste of what they would be like and proceeded anyway… dunno what to tell you, man. you got exactly what you agreed to
have you had an actually serious talk with your wife about the way she lets others treat you? based on the way you describe her reaction, she sounds pretty blindsided by this abrupt divorce talk
Even if she begs now, it doesn’t change the fact that you may not see her as before. She had opportunities to show you how much you meant for her and she didn’t. It’s not bad on your side that now is too late. It’s a shame, because she might love you, but she just didn’t have your back the way you need.
PS 7 years ain’t a giant age gap, but it might be at 25.
NTA.
You could be dating 21 yr old girls right now.
If she truly cared you would have not of had to ask her to do anything.
Her tears aren’t over you.
But yeah this sounds like a story straight out of 11th grade
Soft YTA. I mean jumping straight to divorce because she doesn’t have the backbone to defend you is a bit extreme- unless there are other issues. I am guessing you don’t really love her all that much?
I also am wondering why you felt the need to disclose your personal finances to her friends? A simple “ you are just jealous of my wife because you old bats could never get anyone younger” probably would have done it.
YTA, OP. It sounds like you’ve decided you’re not ready to be married, and you’re looking for excuses to get out. Your wife can no more make her friends stop teasing you than you can – she can ask, nothing more. If they continue doing it, the answer isn’t “this is your fault, I’m divorcing you,” the answer is sitting down with your wife and having a conversation about how to manage the way her friends talk about and treat you.
You didn’t even give her the courtesy of saying “hey, I’d like to pick you over these friends,” you just made a unilateral decision when she proved unable to control her friends’ behavior, which is BIZARRE. You cannot control how people act, you can only control your reaction to them.
If you can’t have conversations with your wife, if you can’t work together as a team, then you shouldn’t be married. But in order to work together as a team, you have to communicate – and it doesn’t sound like you’ve done that, either.
Judging from your writing style I don’t think this is real.. This sounds like it was written by a 15 year old. If it wasn’t and this is in fact real, I would really encourage you to think hard about your decision. Assuming you’re a 26m, you’re not very bright. Your linguistic abilities indicate that you think like a teenager and so I’m hesitant to trust your ability to reason in the most general sense, let alone this specific situation.
I hate to come across as insulting, but I think it’s genuinely necessary to help you.
Divorce is a big deal and it rarely favors the interests of both parties. Your wife sounds like she really cares about your marriage. She’s amenable to fixing the situation and in cases that are not egregious, one should generally be forgiving. I’d at least try to work it out with her. If her friends are the problem and she cuts them out, she’s addressing the situation. She can’t undo the hurt that you feel from the past, but addressing the present and the future goes a long ways.
Nta dont fall for the crocodile tears. Since she has her dead husband’s money, use it for therapy.
Marriage is hard work, but if you give up before you even let the other person try to fix the problem, then you are not ready for marriage. It takes time and patience, and if you really loved them, you would be willing to fight for it, not give up when things get a little hard.
If both partners want it to work, I’d always suggest counseling/mediation first.
It certainly seems like she wasn’t taking your complaints seriously or you weren’t communicating them well. But since she saying she wants you and will work on it, maybe try before cutting it off.
Yes, your wife should have defended you, but you are acting like a sulking teenager. Put your big boy pants on and go tell your wife you want to go to marriage counseling and then do it. You obviously love her and feel some empathy because she’s crying. She said she will do anything, so the least you can do is let her. If things don’t improve then at least you tried to save your marriage. That is what grown people in love do. Try harder or you will definitely be the AH.
She doesnt respect you. She will go back to disrespecting you once this blows over.
Sounds more like teasing you and your reaction makes me think you are a baby.
This is almost creepy, I am 32, my husband is 25 🤣 id defend him with my whole heart, as he would me. She should be defending you.
Smells like a fake story
Cutting people off is a pretty good response, no?
Updateme
If you never told her how you felt how would she know to stop. It sounds like she is willing to fix it.
How much money we talking? She able to pay for all the couples therapy you two need?
Dude, you sound like a drama king. This sounds like some good-natured ribbing from her friends. Why are you letting this upset you so much? Are their comments upsetting you because there is a ring of truth to them? Whatever the case, getting a divorce is a major overreaction.
I think I’d try and resolve it before heading for divorce.
Sounds fake as fuck.
What exactly are their issues with you? Why do they think you’re a gold digger? In the 4th paragraph, it sounds like you don’t work but i might be reading into it too much.
That’s a demoralizing way to live. Your wife is insensitive. She should be bragging about how great you are, not siding with he so-called friends, who are probably jealous that she has a younger husband. Maybe she’ll straiten up. You haven’t been married long, it’s worth working it out.
Is it meant as razzing?
Otherwise NTA
If you didn’t defend me, you can’t get mad at how I defended myself.
she’s telling you what you want to hear. she won’t cut them off, she’ll just lie about being with them.
NTA – First off you should never have to ask your partner to defend you they just should. Secondly you did ask her and she did nothing. Now that you throw out the D word I’ll cut off my friends, blah blah blah. Sometimes it’s a little too little a little too late.
I Smell a fake story
You are not wrong. Perhaps divorce is justified, but this seems to be a major jump from “I love you dearly and wish you would defend me” to “divorce is the only option”. It sounds like you have some deep anger and resentment over her treatment of you.
You can divorce. Problem solved
You can seek therapy and decide later if you divorce.
She is saying she is willing to change her behavior. Maybe she is. Maybe it’s too late. Maybe your feelings have changed for her. Only you can decide.
NTA and I’d love to see the responses if the genders were reversed. I’d bet way less people would be saying to stay.
Yeah this whole thing is sus. She presents a perfect solution to dump her friends, cries for days and says she’ll do anything to save the marriage, and the guy comes back with the same response – she wouldn’t defend me.
Also, trying to visualize a setting where these things are being said. Are they sitting in a circle firing off these insults? If so, is she present just watching this? If she was not there why would he even be with them.
Sounds like maybe you should give her a second chance.
NTA. You don’t owe her a relationship. And who wants to be in a relationship that isn’t based on respect or compassion?
Your an au and this is a crap attempt
NTA, she’s showing more red flags than a May Day parade in Red Square.
NTA – in the wise words of a judge I know: “A lot of people suddenly find remorse when the doors close.”
Now, honestly, probably should have done counseling first, and THEN possibly asked for divorce. Especially 6 months into your marriage.
IF this is true, it’s a case of: here we go, another disposable marriage in a disposable, sugar high society. FFS you made a commitment for life. That’s marriage: highs, lows, poor, rich. Work through it and understand why she’s not defending you. She wants to fight fot it, do you not want to? This is about you and her, no-one else, and not her friends.
Dude your a 25 year old man who made the adult decision to get married you should be able to defend yourself cool fake story tho 😂
Mmmh. U should reconsider divorce for now. Suggest therapy, for her and both. She needs to face what she has done wrong because i fear she wouldn’t. And she needs to deal with her friends and cut them out.
AI slop.
Feels like this could be resolved. You can certainly divorce her if you want, but every marriage is between two imperfect individuals and if you can figure out solutions to problems then you’re in a better place to last long-term.
I don’t understand.
You told your wife that you want a divorce because she never backed you up when her friends would call you a gold digger, even when you asked her to previously.
Now that she sees how serious this is she has told you that she will cut them off but you are still adamant that you are going to divorce her.
She has offered to do exactly what you asked her to do. Your response? You stopped speaking to her and you watch her cry constantly.
That’s not love. You don’t love your wife. You have given up on your marriage and no matter what she says you aren’t changing your mind. You could actually save your marriage if you tell her that you are willing to go to counselling as soon as she tells these awful women that she has no intention of seeing them again because of their treatment of you. You don’t want to.
Do her a favour and just leave. You are just being cruel now.
I love how the advice to try and talk it out comes mainly from women thinking betraying your husband, being disloyal and not having his back is a minor issue that can be solved because she saw the error of her ways (after suffering huge consequences i might add).
OP is going to divorce her because he knows if you truly love someone you have his back no matter what. Love is not for cowards or for traitors.
Maybe try therapy first
this has to be fake.
Okay I have to put up a parent comment on this one despite going in on some sub-comments. But this one is really annoying me because I could go through and link 5-10 other AITAs where the genders were reversed and everyone would be all “LEAVE NAOW!!!”
But as a guy you’re just supposed to put up with it? WTF? She’s all contrite now that she can’t rugsweep it anymore and you have to just BELIEVE it will get better?
Listen, you know her better than us to tell if this is just a hail mary to try and save her safety net or if she actually, finally “gets it”. That’s a level of nuance we’re not going to be able to judge from our armchairs. But if this has been going on so long and she has ignored your every, reasonable request… NTA for wanting someone that actually respects you. And I’d say that with any gender combination.
“I would rather stay single”…is marriage just a joke to you? You can’t “stay” single, because you are married, you can only become single.
Marriage means work. Go to a partner counseling and work on the issue. You both gave a promise, and you are both breaking it.
What she did was wrong. Partners stand by each other. But what you are doing is wrong as well. Partners work on problems. If that fails after seriously investing the work, it’s another story. But giving up so soon? You never meant what you promised.
ESH.
Divorce is deep for her not defending you over something trivial like them being dicks. You should start making fun of them on a borderline disrespectful level. See how the like it
I hope you have a pre nup
Dude….I know this is gonna sound crazy, but, divorce her and sue for alimony. She obviously doesn’t respect you and this would be a glorious turning of the tables.
Also, you will find someone else more suitable for you, and it will be easier because things generally get easier for men once we decide to stand up for ourselves. You will come out of this stronger, and it will show in how you conduct yourself from now on.
This is AI right? There’s no way this story is real
Honestly you sound too immature to be married anyway.
If you truly love her you will not jump straight to divorce. Get some marriage counseling.
NTA, She’s saying the same thing when you’re not around. That’s why her friends keep making the comments. This will not change. Good luck.
ESH
Your wife sucks for not defending you and you suck for not telling her how serious her friends’ comments were. Divorce is probably best here because neither you nor your wife were ready for marriage.
You are overreacting. Accept her offer to stay married and stop acting like a child. You simply should have forced the issue and refused to be around her friends and told her she is choosing them over you. Instead you go to divorce? Is marriage a joke to you? Did you make any vows are was it meaningless paper? She understands her mistake…and isn’t that the goal?
Updateme
Give her a chance! She says she’d do what ever it takes to save the marriage. Give her a chance to show she’s serious. There’s no need to rush into divorce especially since the marriage is still very young.
It’s always good to see people finally knowing their worth . I’m seeing more of it and it’s good 👍
Let me ask you one question
Has she demanded her soon to be ex friends apologize to you?
Has she cut them off yet?
Has she reached out to a couple’s therapist?
Has she suggested moving to start over?
If she truly wanted to be with you, the second you said you wanted a divorce, those things would have started happening. She would be proactive.
The reality is…she probably just enjoys having the young attractive “trophy” husband.
Because if she didn’t agree with what her friends were saying, 1) she would have stopped that shit right when it was said and 2) she would have told them point blank “respect my marriage or GTFO”
She did neither of those things
AND she has taken no steps to salvage things.
I think divorce is the right course of action. You made a mistake. You thought she was one person and she turned out to be someone completely different
It happens
You shouldn’t divorce your why over such a trivial reason, you didn’t even say anything about working it out either you just went str8 to divorce…if you do divorce, don’t ever get married again because you don’t seem to honor your vows.
Counseling!🌹🌹🌹Don’t let her friends win!
NTA. If your wife won’t respect and defend you then your marriage is short lived.
This sounds made up
If I was in your situation honestly I’ll think about divorce later but first I’ll rub it on her friends faces by showing how much better I’m compared to their old hag partners. And will love bomb my girl infront of them make them jealous. And for getting called “Gold-Digger” I’ll say infront of my girl and her friends that “No No No Girls , you’re using Wrong Term it’s called Treasure Hunting”. 😏 they’ll either burst out laughing and will never say it again or they gonna be so annoyingly jealous and upset that this younger boi thn us having a upper hand. and Your girl gonna give you best Kitty ever that day for calling her Treasure.
I wonder how the people clutching their pearls would react if the situation was gender swapped. Oh wait i already know
If you are on the fence, go to marriage counseling together
One, it seems like her friends, that you mentioned, are more jealous of your relationship and your wife’s time devoted to you and not them. Was this behavior ongoing through your dating period? Or did it occur after your marriage? There seems to be more information that needs to be said.
Are these her only friends? If so, it may be she knows they are just jealous but doesn’t want to lose her friends and their behavior will wither away. She needs to have friendships and she doesn’t want to lose what she has now. I’m not saying that it is right, but I am not saying it is wrong either. This is something you need to talk about. I recommend marriage counseling, but also for you to establish boundaries. Specifically that he friends are no longer welcome in your home. That is your safe space and their presence is a violation of that safeness. This includes being there when you are not home.
Also, let your wife know that you request that she goes LC with them, and you NC, with them until you attempt reconciliation through marriage counseling. If she balks at your requests or lets the boundaries be crossed at any point, until you are comfortable, then let her know to expect to be served with the divorce papers.
If you truly love her, and you feel she loves you too, then I recommend trying to fix the marriage. It may take time, but it could be worth the time and heartache.
Good luck.
You sound like an insecure little man child. Handle your shit; remove the friends from your equation. If you spoke vows to marry a woman and a few Karen are capable of driving separation between ya… you have issues.
Well, to you (and me lol) it’s only natural that a partner should defend their partner, however, did you ever express this before to her? Sometimes people don’t know unless you tell them and if she is willing to cut her friends off, it really sounds like she didn’t know it was affecting you this way. Also, have you ever stuck up for yourself when they talked crap?
If shes willing to cut her friends off, id give her another chance. My wife used to have a best friend who always cheated on her husband, and she would try to get my wife to go out and party with her whenever my wife and I were arguing..Basically she just tried to get her to cheat on me. Luckily she didnt, but Eventually my wife grew up and they had a falling out and my wife broke off their friendship. They havent talked in close to 10 years now and things have been good.
I’d give her another chance but make it clear if she backtrack and starts being part of the problem again, you’re gone. You gotta realize dealing with problems are part of a relationship. Also, your wife is not that much older than you, its not like you’re 25 and shes 55. 7 years is nothing in the grand scope of things.
Have her text all he we friends telling them that she will no longer be friends with them because of showing they are putting you down. If she is serious of not being friends with them then be willing to give her another chance.
Stop getting in a dick measuring contest with a bunch of women. You have more money than they can possibly imagine? So what, who cares? Also you jumped to the divorce thing way too quickly. ESH. She should have defended you but you’re acting like a child about it. You’re in your mid 20s, time to put your big boy pants on and grow up. This is behavior of high school kids, not grown ass adults. You’re not looking to have a productive marriage and working through this. You’re looking for a fight and revenge, both with the friends and the wife by pulling out the divorce card after something so petty and childish.
NTA, there’s a reason I tell people to avoid age gap relationships until they’re 25.
You should definitely leave. Don’t ask, just do it.
To be honest, a lot people talk about Kansas City BBQ and I was like meh. Nothing extraordinary but to each their own. As far your wife, I don’t think she sees you as her husband or at least, anything to fight for. So yeah, you are ok. BTW, I think I can cook better BBQ than KC restaurants, nothing amazing, just the fact that you don’t have to cook.
There are few things worse in marriage than being married to someone who doesn’t respect you. If she’s not showing any signs of wanting to change her behaviour then it’s time for divorce. It doesn’t count if she says she wants to change after you tell her you want a divorce because she’ll change for a bit then go back to her old ways.
The only ones that win here are the friends. This is exactly what they want.
NTA…. I say good for you and putting your boundaries in place and letting her know how let down you feel because of her lack of respect for you! Good luck Op🙏🏻🫶
NTA
We tell women to do this all the time. If your partner doesn’t have your back, you don’t need them.
Soooo your wife would rather take the easy way out and cut them off instead of confronting and put them in their place?
She’s a coward.
Stand up for yourself and keep a good girl dude.
Updateme