My younger sister is temporarily living with us and she was having a hard time studying because my 3 y.o. son would constantly interrupt and ask her to play with him whenever she was studying in the living room/kitchen. She asked if she could use my husband’s office so he wouldn’t bother her and I agreed since my husband wasn’t in the country (he lives abroad about 70% of the time) at the time anyway.
I don’t think I did anything wrong but my husband came home as a surprise before the office had been cleaned up and he was angry at me for letting her use it without asking him first. Like I said he wasn’t in the country and he wasn’t supposed to visit any time soon so I thought it would be fine since it’s not like he needed it at the time. He doesn’t see it the same way and thinks I should’ve asked first since it’s his office.
We’ve had a few arguments over this with neither of us budging. Admittedly in our last fight I did get angry and tell him he shouldn’t even have a home office since he’s barely home which did unfortunately escalate the fight. Part of the reason I said that is because my husband was never happy about my sister living here even though it’s had a very minimal impact on him and I feel like he’s using this office situation as an opening to send her back home.
I’ve already bought a desk for her room so she can study in there but AITA?
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My younger sister is temporarily living with us and she was having a hard time studying because my 3 y.o. son would constantly interrupt and ask her to play with him whenever she was studying in the living room/kitchen. She asked if she could use my husband’s office so he wouldn’t bother her and I agreed since my husband wasn’t in the country (he lives abroad about 70% of the time) at the time anyway.
I don’t think I did anything wrong but my husband came home as a surprise before the office had been cleaned up and he was angry at me for letting her use it without asking him first. Like I said he wasn’t in the country and he wasn’t supposed to visit any time soon so I thought it would be fine since it’s not like he needed it at the time. He doesn’t see it the same way and thinks I should’ve asked first since it’s his office.
We’ve had a few arguments over this with neither of us budging. Admittedly in our last fight I did get angry and tell him he shouldn’t even have a home office since he’s barely home which did unfortunately escalate the fight. Part of the reason I said that is because my husband was never happy about my sister living here even though it’s had a very minimal impact on him and I feel like he’s using this office situation as an opening to send her back home.
I’ve already bought a desk for her room so she can study in there but AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I let my sister use my husband’s office to study 2) I didn’t ask him if he was okay with her studying there
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH
there is so much antagonism in this dynamic. neither you nor your husband is focused on making each others’ lives happier or easier, you’re just wilfully acting of your own accords and then getting angry at each other when it clashes. if you’re going to be partners in life then you both have to get used to making life decisions with a partner.
Sorry, but YTA. I think you lost this argument with the phrase “my husband was never happy about my sister living here”. You knew he wouldn’t have approved and you did it anyway.
YTA. Just because he’s not there doesn’t mean that his privacy can be violated. If he has a home office (whether you think he should have one or not is a separate argument), that has been identified by both of you as HIS space. It’s one thing for you to go in there as his wife (whats his is yours and vice versa), or if it was your older kids needing something quick, but it’s another thing for you to allow someone not closely related to him to go in there, use it regularly, AND move things around enough that it requires a reset before he comes home.
It would be different if it was a shared space, but it’s not. I have a craft room that my husband doesn’t even go into, much less let anyone else in, because he knows that, in addition to being my happy place, everything is in a specific place for a reason.
NTA
In the future, the day after he leaves send him a message that you need the office for something and ask if there’s a problem with using it. Then you’re covered for that trip AND have ‘asked him in advance’.
When a family member is going to interfere in another family member’s “stuff” it’s ALWAYS polite to ask. But husband and wife are not merely “family members”. If he does not consider you more than a generic family member, that 70% away time may be too much for this relationship.
On the flip side, if he makes enough money to afford his own office in his own house without your money, that’s not an issue. The issue then is not really related to the office, you tossed that remark out for a completely different reason. Of course, if your contribution to the household finances are required for that size of home, then being somewhat resentful for an entire room to “go missing” from the household every time he leaves is understandable.
HIS office.
You should have asked first.
Also, if sis is living with you, why can’t she study in her room?
YTA
YTA. You know your husband didn’t want your sister staying in the house, and she has her own home, and you let her use your husband’s office. Now you’ve bought her a desk for “her room,” which sounds like you’re making this situation more permanent.
NTA, unless your sister made a mess of his office. But a question, why didn’t she just study in her room in the first place with her door shut if your toddler was bothering her? Did she specifically need a desk to study?
Anyway, regardless your husband was definitely TA
Try this when you talk to him next:
“I’m really sorry. I know that’s your space and I should have asked you before letting her use it.”
Your issue with whether or not he should even have an office at all is a different argument. He has one and you should ask him first before letting someone outside of your marriage use it.
Also, I was thinking she was sleeping on the couch or something. She has her own room. All this time, if she couldn’t study in the living room or kitchen, she should have been studying there.
NTA, unless she left it in a great deal of disarray, or had gone through his things. As to her living there, would he prefer you be my yourself 70% of the time? Having her there seems like a reasonable solution to his long term absences. This being Reddit, I’m also wondering if there isn’t something in the office related to his other life he didn’t want discovered.
NTA. He’s gone 70% of the time, she needed quiet space. He’s being petty about helping family.
NTA.. He’s mad at you using a room IN YOUR HOME? Girl..
YTA….no matter what the situation is between you and your husband, (why is he not living with you 70% of the time?), that was his space. All you had to do was send a quick text to discuss.
Also, why are you letting your three year old bother your sister when you know she has to study? That child is your responsibility. Take him into your bedroom for a bit, or his own bedroom and play with him.
Why couldn’t sister study in the place she is sleeping in? You do not need a desk to study.
It might be a thing where his work requires a dedicated private home office space
NTA. You’re married. The office belongs to both of you. If he’s not using it, then you have every right to use it.
Neither of you budging? Why is it so hard to just say you’re sorry? That you didn’t realize it would bother him and you will change the way you communicate about this stuff going forward? And why is your sister living there if he isn’t happy about it?
ESH, nothing about this is functional.
Yta. Idk his job or why he’s out of the country is much and I’m sure that’s difficult for your both.
But now the 30% of the time he does get to be home there is an additional person there that he didn’t sign onto having in his home. And while he’s gone you let her go into his space. And instead of looking at it through his pov at all you’ve decided he doesn’t actually care and this is a diabolical scheme. Just divorce if you’re that disdainful of your husband and partner.
Why doesn’t he want her in his office is he hiding something he’s afraid she might find?
YTA. “sorry hubs I’ll ask next time. Thank you for telling me this is an issue for you.”
It very well could be cause he didn’t want her there he thought he could keep his office as a sanctuary away from her.
YTA. There might be a number of valid reasons for hubby to not want someone in his office space. Sis needs to go back to her own home.
Say you have a sewing room and your husband let someone use it without checking with you and you come back and it’s a mess would you be upset?
NTA. This is your home too, as much as it is his. Frankly, it’s more your home than his, IMO. Him having complete control over an entire room of your home when he is gone 70% of the time is ridiculous. Unless you know he keeps highly sensitive/personal/confidential stuff in there that is not locked up and she went through it, you allowing your family member to exist in the room is not overstepping any real boundary that should exist in a healthy marriage and family.
ESH.
If you consider the room to be your husband’s office, then it is reasonable at least for you to inform him if others are going to use it.
A corollary would be if my kid was at college and my mother was visiting, I would at least INFORM my kid that their grandmother would be using their room. It’s just polite. However if the kid has their own apartment and I’ve converted their room to a “guest” bedroom, they would not need such notice.
You can argue that it is a shared space in the house (“the” office rather than “his” office) but you should have had that discussion before you let her use it. You can also argue he “doesn’t need a home office because he’s barely home” but if he works from home when he is home, then he very much does need a place to keep his business files and such organized.
I agree that she did no harm by using it, assuming she didn’t move any of his things, and he potentially overreacted.
But it sounds like you didn’t tell him (before or after) because you knew or suspected that he would not approve. That’s sneaky. And if you were being sneaky because he is overbearing, then still ESH.
YTA, you even call it his office. If he has an office let it be his office. And your sister has her own room, why couldn’t she study there? You just seem to have a problem with your husband and your not addressing it, just acting out. You two need to talk about your marriage.
Both of you are AH. Just because he’s out of the country doesn’t mean you can’t email and say I’d really like to let my sister use your office. No one sounds mature enough to be either breeding or married.
What, is your sister sharing a bedroom with your son? Why can’t she study in her room?
If they are sharing, she can close and lock the door
Soft YTA. It was agreed to be “his” space. You unilaterally changed that without so much as a thought to his feelings. I can see why he felt disrespected. From what you’ve posted, it seems his wants and needs are last on your list, after your sister.
NTA. It’s not exclusively his space. He’s not there and you and your sister are so there is zero impact on him. He’s just being dramatic.
YTA. It’s his office. Why can’t she go to the library or another quiet place to study?
Have you ever had a conversation about expectations regarding rooms/space in your house? ESH for not communicating better.
YTA. If your husband worked in an office nearby your home, but wasn’t there, you wouldn’t march your sister in and tell the other staff she would be at his desk since he isn’t home right now. It’s his WORK location. It is not yours to loan out!
You have moved your sister into your home, which he isn’t happy about. And now you’ve gone and given her permission to use a space that wasn’t yours to offer. You seem very dismissive of your husband’s feelings.
Is there not a public library nearby your sister could use? There are options besides allowing her to completely overrun your husbands space.
If he’s using this as an excuse to bring up his disapproval of your sister, I can see being upset, but you should have asked him first about using his office study.
Also, if you both can’t see eye to eye and come to a peaceful place in this, couples therapy would probably be best.
Need more information: does your husband cover the full cost of the household expenses or are they split? Is your sister paying her way? Why was she not able to study in her room or your bedroom are there no public libraries where you are?
It’s suspicious that the only way your sister could study was if she took over your husband’s office space. The way you mention he works out of the country makes it sound like it’s a fun trip choice and not something that can and may be a sacrifice for people that have to split their lives. Having a space where he has his things, maybe important work documents or personal heirlooms is important to him and if it is his designated space, it seems only polite and reasonable that you would at least give a heads up and hopefully ask if he is comfortable with his space being invaded.
I am leaning to YTA but if you are both contributing equally to the household I could see why you took that liberty and it would be more inconsiderate but not AH level but if he has to work abroad to be able to provide a roof over your head that you, your child and your sister get to enjoy more than he does and you further disrespect the sacrifice by not being considerate of his personal space.
If you value your sisters comfort more than that of your chosen partner and father of your child and he’s far from you 70% of the time, it feels like you are pushing him away from your home and family.
YTA
Soft YTA, I think it’s just common courtesy to ask. Yes, it’s your home too but it’s his space and it wouldn’t be hard to call or text your husband to make sure he’s okay with it.
YTA. That is his space, with his private things. I’d be really annoyed if someone let someone else into my private space without asking.
Yta, he has imprortant documents here, expensive laptop or other things. My husband work from home and we build larger house for this reason, no guests in office.
ESH. Why are you not disciplining your son? I taught preschool for seven years. Sure redirecting them takes a few tries, but they learn.
Technically you should have at least informed him first, and asked if there anything that needed to be put away.
There shouldn’t be anything to be put away, he clearly doesn’t leave the office locked and you have a toddler, leaving anything sensitive out would be stupid.
I get why he might feel like his space had been invaded, but unless the general agreement is that no one else goes in there, nta. He’s not home for long periods and she didn’t damage anything.
YTA
It’s his office. You don’t have the right to invite someone else to use it. Doesn’t matter if he’s currently home or not.
You chose to invite you sister to live with you, something to didn’t bother to ask your husband about. He’s upset about that. Rightfully so, might I add.
You’re upset that he’s away for work so long. You may or may not be justified in that.
You don’t sound like a couple, you’re supposed to be a team. You treat a problem as us versus the problem. At least, that’s what good couples do.
Instead you’ve escalated the issue by being horribly rude and aggressive to him. This reads like you decided to let her use the office out of spite, which isn’t a good look.
Why aren’t you taking care of your child, and ensuring the child doesn’t distract your sister? Where is your sister sleeping? Unless she’s sharing with your child, why can’t she just use that room?
You treat your husband like an irritant, one getting in the way of your family. That’s awful behaviour and there’s no way your marriage survives if you continue acting this way.
Honestly, that might be for the best. How hard must it be to be away from your family for so long, and have your partner treating you the way you do?
ESH
You actually aren’t wrong to point out he shouldn’t have an office if he’s home so rarely. It’s unused and dead space otherwise, and it’s not fair for him to ask you to tip toe around it 70% of the time. It really should be a communal office for you both.
You should have asked before you let your sister use it still because it is still set aside as his space.
That said, I think you do have an issue with him being away so much, judging by your fight, and it’s the crux of the problem. You don’t see it as his space because he’s never in it. You don’t consider his input because he’s never at home, leaving you to make all the decisions anyway. He does consider it his home and space, however. But you guys are leading separate lives 70% of the time, leading to conflict in the 30% because he is essentially changing the flow of your life you have 70% of the time
Info needed: Do you have a private room just for you? Or is he the only one with private space that’s off limits?
And where does he live the other 70% of the time… do you have access to that space?
INFO: What does your husband do for work? You don’t need to get into specifics, but some jobs will require more confidentiality than others. You don’t say if there was a working lock on the office, or if you had to unlock it. Perhaps he had client information that he was concerned about anyone (yes, even your sister) seeing.
I don’t understand why your sister had to use his office anyways, regardless of the three year old. If she is staying with you, doesn’t she have a bedroom she could have shut herself into for studying? You say he already doesn’t like having her in the house; I am not sure why you thought violating his space was going to improve that situation.
I will say it is frustrating to see so many adults (some with jobs of their own even) view a home work space, regardless of how many hours someone physically logs there, as less worthy of respect than some cubicle in an office park. Especially when the income generated from the work apparently supports the well being of said unwanted house guest.
ESH. You both need better communication and conflict resolution skills.
ESH. He’s hiding something.
I WFH, and have a home office. Some of the information I have is very sensitive, so I, too, would be annoyed if my wife did that without asking (not that I’m away that long).
Also, I’d be annoyed that I came home to mess. Why was there a mess? That’s just disrespectful to his workspace.
If it was his office in a company building, you would leave it how you found it, not leave stuff everywhere. A home office needs the same level of respect.
YTA.
Esh
As you say he shouldnt have a home office if hes never home.
However he does. Its his space and you should have asked before allowing someome to use it
YTA why couldnt she use your bedroom instead? And you SHOULD have asked him first regardless of where he was because its HIS office
Why did the office need to be cleaned up after her use? Is your sister able to respectfully use another person’s space without making it her own?
Respect your husband’s boundaries. If you have a problem with the boundaries, that’s where communication comes in. Not fighting but open communication about the issues beneath the office. They’re clearly are some and you’re both fighting against each other instead of working together to address it.
YTA
You should have asked him first. It sounds like you had the ability to communicate with him, even if he was out of the country. There’s really no excuse for that.
YTA he came home before it was cleaned up. What exactly was she doing in there? I mean if you are studying, you have a laptop and maybe a book or notebook. Was she staying in there?
Why would the office space need cleaning? Did she treat it with respect? As Dobson who takes pride in the calmness of my organized spaces, this would upset me. Not that someone used it, but that they left it in disarray.
Soft YTA. It’s common courtesy to ask someone’s permission before allowing someone else to use “their” space or things.
It’s considered basic mutual respect. You didn’t even give him a chance to say yes.
I work as a freelance translator, I don’t have work most of the time now due to AI and no one comes into my office unless it is to look for something or they specifically asked for permission.
I have nothing to hide, but I do have important documents and client information and it’s my responsibility to keep that stuff safe and confidential. So even if I have the important stuff under lock and key, my family knows full well not to just come into my office, even when I’m traveling.
I don’t know what your husband does for a living, but an office is a personal space, not a shared or common space in the house, and YTA for now respecting that. Whether he works from home or not, it is his space and he probably also has documents and things there that he doesn’t want other people touching. You should also have a space for yourself where you can be alone and have your own stuff and keep your own documents safe and that you can share with your sister if you so wish.
YTA. Whether or not you think he needs a home office is not the point. He has one. It is his space and may contain private things, work related or otherwise. You had no right to tell your sister that she it could use it without asking him first.
Y(also)TA for letting your sister move in against his wishes. Long term house guests are a two yes, one no situation. Would you be ok with him moving his own mother, brother or sister in to your home against your wishes? You steam rolled his opinion to do what you wanted.
If you didn’t think you’d have a problem with your Sista!! using his office, why not tell him? I suspect you knew he wouldn’t be happy about it. And tell me why she couldn’t use her ownroom to study? There was no need for her to be in there. She had no right to invade his personal space.
YTA. If you didn’t think you were doing anything wrong, you’d have mentioned it to him.
Early 30s m.
Yta
It might not affect u bc she’s ur sister. Believe me when others r in my home even if its just visiting or staying for the summer etc. it’s difficult. He’s feeling it. Get ur sister too move out or get a goal date for her too leave. Your husband wants to return home and be able to chill. Rn he’s not able to chill in his own home.
ur husband needs some personal space. Fuck I’ll give him more than just a room for himself since the rest of the house is bs. Ie ur sister can’t study or do any work in the whole house. She needs too use his office space. How the fuck would ur husband be able to work if the office is gone?
Maybe husbands mother should move in for a yr and see how I like it. Lmao.
YTA, you know he doesn’t like your sister at home but you push even more with her invading his personal space.
You didn’t ask him because you allready know his answer and choose to betray him, twice.
NTA. It’s not like it’s a bedroom, it’s an office. It’s your house too.
YTA. If your sister has her own room, she could’ve studied in there, desk or no desk. Also, I know toddlers are a handful, but the answer to him constantly interrupting her to play with him falls on you.