Hi Reddit,
I (25F) have been dating my boyfriend (24M) for over a year now. We’re pretty serious, but we haven’t told our families yet(classic brown parents situation) so they think we’re just “office friends.”
His 25th birthday is in a few days, and here’s where things get complicated.
His mom is planning a surprise birthday dinner for him. She’s invited our shared group of 8 friends and personally called me to be there. The plan is: I take him out for lunch, stall him until 4:30 PM, ask him to go home and rest, and then we all arrive later at the restaurant after his parents, as a big surprise.
Here’s the problem:
He hates surprises.
His parents didn’t really celebrate birthdays while he was growing up no gifts, no parties, just “useful things only” and that shaped how he sees his birthday even now. It’s not trauma, but it is emotionally loaded. He feels uncomfortable being surprised or having attention on him to the point where he tells us exactly what gift to get him, so no one “messes it up.”
Now, the bigger twist:
Just last night, we had a small fight because he hid something minor from me (a job thing), and I told him straight up that “hiding is lying.” We patched it up, but not perfectly.
Later, I sort of accidentally hinted that I was also hiding something from him (aka, this surprise dinner plan). He instantly got tense and said if I ruin his birthday with something he didn’t ask for, it’ll seriously mess with his mood. But I didn’t tell him what it was.
Now I’m torn.
- If I tell him, I’ll 100% be the one who ruined the surprise, and it’ll be obvious to his mom, who thinks I’m just his friend. It isn’t my place. That might affect how she sees me later (which matters because… Indian families, marriage, approval, all that jazz).
- If I don’t tell him, and he walks into a surprise he might hates, it might ruin the entire day and our trust. Especially since I just told him that “honesty is everything.”
WIBTA if I chose not to tell him? Or is it worse to ruin the surprise that his mom genuinely planned with love?
EDIT – I haven’t planned the surprise btw, his mom did, I was invited to the party basically.
Comments
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Hi Reddit,
I (25F) have been dating my boyfriend (24M) for over a year now. We’re pretty serious, but we haven’t told our families yet(classic brown parents situation) so they think we’re just “office friends.”
His 25th birthday is in a few days, and here’s where things get complicated.
His mom is planning a surprise birthday dinner for him. She’s invited our shared group of 8 friends and personally called me to be there. The plan is: I take him out for lunch, stall him until 4:30 PM, ask him to go home and rest, and then we all arrive later at the restaurant after his parents, as a big surprise.
Here’s the problem:
He hates surprises.
His parents didn’t really celebrate birthdays while he was growing up no gifts, no parties, just “useful things only” and that shaped how he sees his birthday even now. It’s not trauma, but it is emotionally loaded. He feels uncomfortable being surprised or having attention on him to the point where he tells us exactly what gift to get him, so no one “messes it up.”
Now, the bigger twist:
Just last night, we had a small fight because he hid something minor from me (a job thing), and I told him straight up that “hiding is lying.” We patched it up, but not perfectly.
Later, I sort of accidentally hinted that I was also hiding something from him (aka, this surprise dinner plan). He instantly got tense and said if I ruin his birthday with something he didn’t ask for, it’ll seriously mess with his mood. But I didn’t tell him what it was.
Now I’m torn.
WIBTA if I chose not to tell him? Or is it worse to ruin the surprise that his mom genuinely planned with love?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Action – would be Me hiding the surprise from my boyfriend
2. Why action might make me a asshole, is because my boyfriend hatesss surprises
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YWBTA. You have agreed to be an active participant in a surprise you know damn well he doesn’t want.
> I told him straight up that “hiding is lying.”
> We’re pretty serious, but we haven’t told our families yet(classic brown parents situation) so they think we’re just “office friends.”
How ironic.
YTA if you don’t tell him. He literally just warned you not to ruin his birthday with unwanted surprises. Listen to him.
YWBTA. He hates surprises. He needs to be told.
“So, I know you hate surprises, and I know something that I think you would want to know ahead of time. I’m afraid of ruining it for you by telling you, but I really think that you would prefer to know.”
You answered your own question when you told him “hiding is lying”.
I think a soft YTA if you don’t tell him. I’m bordering on N A H. He hates surprises, and if he’s prepared he can act surprised or placate his parents. It’s not your job to manage his parents, and I think it will do more harm than good for your relationship to keep to yourself. It would not be your fault if you didn’t feel comfortable disclosing though, since we have all been drilled since birth not to ruin surprised and his parents have pressured you all. This is on them. And it’s also on your bf to manage his own feelings about his birthday. You didn’t plan this, so if he goes off on you it would be really unfair. You’re caught between a rock and a hard place.
Tell him. Now. Say his mum has a surprise for his birthday and he can ask you for more details.
You know he hates surprises. YTA for not having his back here. Your loyalty should be to him, not his mother.
NTA. You would not be “ruining the surprise.” The surprise would be ruining the mood and be a bump in your relationship. I told my girlfriend about her surprise party against others’ plans, she acted happy and surprised, and afterwards thanked me. I think that how these silly secret things work best.
if his mom loves him so much, she would know he hates surprises and would respect his boundaries.
> He hates surprises….“hiding is lying.”
YWBTA – Just tell him FFS. It will definitely effect how he sees you, in the negative way, and hopefully you can work through a surprised party face with him before hand….
Yes. YWBTA if you didn’t tell him about this surprise, & you already know that, or you wouldn’t be asking for folks here to help you avoid the situation.
Here are the main reasons you would be TA if you kept it secret:
Whether or not you telling him about the surprise his mother has planned makes it “difficult” for your relationship in the future is completely beside the point. She’s already enlisted you to be the one to “manage” him on that day, so she knows you’re close enough of friends for that . . . & friends would tell other friends who hate surprises. It doesn’t necessarily have to mean you’re dating.
PLUS, you’re dating this guy, not his mother. You don’t owe her your silence nearly as much as you owe it to him to be honest, ESPECIALLY about something you know he won’t be happy about.
Tell him about it & let him decide how/if he wants to deal with the situation.
Info
This feels a lot like an ESH but not the BF.
You have 8 friends also invite that know he doesn’t like this. Any chance the 8 of you can come together to let him know so you don’t end up on the wrong side of his parents?
YWBTAH if you didn’t tell him.
Your loyalty should, first and foremost, be to your partner.
Be upfront, and say that it might complicate things if you two aren’t ready to become public.
As someone who also hates surprises, I would be more pissed that you let me walk into that. (And I would totally think you were a double sided AH for hiding something you knew I’d hate)
If a friend is willing, it can be them that let something slip about the surprise.
What matters most? Your relationship with him, or his mother?
I wouldn’t say that it isn’t trauma with how he’s been raised, and how he deals with it.
Unrelated, I can’t help but wonder about hidden relationships and if there is any spark left after the cat is out of the bag. Once the thrill of the secret is gone, what else is there? Can this flimsy relationship you’ve described survive your family’s disapproval? Are you setting yourselves up for failure?
But to answer the question you actually asked: YTA. You can’t get mad at him for a tiny secret and then keep a huge one that you know will hurt him.
But since we’re big on lies in this relationship, go ahead and make something up, like “he saw a message over my shoulder and found out about the surprise” because at this point, what’s one more lie?
NAH but you should probably tell him at least in some capacity.
You don’t have to spill all the beans at once, you can just say something like “someone is planning a surprise for your birthday and I know about it. I feel awkward because I know you don’t like surprises, but it doesn’t feel like my place to tell you about it”
I also hste surprises like that. Tell him, the sooner the better. He will have time to adjust to it. If it were me, I would probably make arrangements to be somewhere else.
YWBTA
Hint. Tell him you’re going to have an excuse to delay his arrival at the restaurant. Then go silent. He doesn’t technically know, but at least he can decide at that point if he wants that attention. You two are partners. Don’t let him be ambushed when he doesn’t like it, even by his parents.
Discuss with him whether he is from a traditional enough family that parents come first until marriage. And that some secrets may not be yours to tell. Even consider telling him that you hate being “caught in between” parent and child. Then discuss that dinner and how he never had parties growing up. Perhaps even that he might want to dress nicer than “just for me”. See if he begins to get the message.
You say “honesty is everything” and “hiding is lying” but you have no issue with this when it comes to hiding your relationship from your family’s.
You know he hates surprises and don’t want you hiding things from him. For heavens sake please talk to his mom and tell her that you can not be involved in this and that she should change her plans to something she knows he will enjoy.
YTA
when someone tells you what they want/who they are LISTEN. he very clearly does not want this. would he be upset about the same plans if there was no surprise?
“hey, your mom is planning a surprise party for your birthday, you should go and act surprised”
I would tell him and let him know you didn’t plan it but his parents did and you were made aware but didn’t want to step on his parents toes by spoiling it
YTA and a hypocrite. You cant get all pissy at him “hiding work stufff” from you when you presumably don’t even work together and its really not your place to know unless he wants to tell you.
tell him and just ask if he can act surprised for your sake- i’m sure he’d be appreciative of the heads up and it would take a lot of stress off of you. i think you’re overcomplicating it in your head. it’s you and him vs the problem, so that’s the best way the both of you can face it together? you can’t if he doesn’t know about it.
best of luck!
YWBTA if you don’t tell him. Especially after the hiding is lying.
You know what you should do. His family will not know who told him since they asked your entire friend group. He shouldn’t get angry with you if you tell him. He will be grateful that he’s not surprised and it’ll be fine.
Tell him. If my significant other told me he didn’t like surprises, he wouldn’t be surprised. Your relationship is with your boyfriend, not his family. Believe me, I’m sure he has expressed to his family on numerous occasions that he doesn’t like surprises. If he told you, he has told them. But you go ahead, risk your relationship over a birthday surprise. Oh & I would be more concerned as to why he hasn’t told his parents you’re in a relationship. Question: why do they now want to celebrate his birthday when they didn’t when he was a child.
YWBTA. You know he hates surprises. Why give him something you know he hates on his birthday?
Tell him.
And tell him he has to act surprised and pretend not to have known.
NTA —
He may hate surprises, but he’ll get over it and won’t even remember a week from now that you kept it from him.
His mom, however, will get pissed at you for ruining her surprise. If you really do get serious with him, she will resent what you did, and resent you for your entire courtship, engagement, and marriage. If you ruin her surprise, she’ll never forget it or forgive you, and will always hold it over your head.
Do you want a loving mother-in-law and grandmother to your children, or the mother-in-law from Hell? Your choice…..
I get where you are coming from, but your entire relationship is more or less a lie/hidden from his parents. His Mom should know that he hates surprises, so why is she going to impose this on him? You agreed with Mom to be a willing participant in the party when you should have refused to get involved in the first place. Finally, your boyfriend needs to lighten up a bit about his birthday. Clearly ESH.
You’ve lied…time to own it and hope for the best.
Tell his mom he would hate this surprise and if she doesn’t find another way to celebrate you will be have to tell him. I realize this might be a little tough since she doesn’t realize that you two are serious but you’re adults and it’s time.
I would tell his mom that he hates surprises and you are only saying something because you really value his friendship. Let her know you would hate to see him stressed out. This way she knows and you’ve also started getting her matchmaking wells turning. (ethnic Mamas love to matchmake and will support you if they think it’s their idea).
YTA just tell him, his mom should know better.
NTA whatever you decide.
His mother is the big AH here. To him, for not knowing or caring that he hates surprises. She may think she is making up for the lack of birthdays in his childhood, but it’s too late for that.
But also AH to you for putting you in this position of being in the middle.
The best way to finesse this is for him to “guess” about the surprise. So first you make it clear that it isn’t YOUR surprise that is the secret. Then admit that you promised someone else to keep a secret. Then admit it is someone in his family. Etc. Let it leak out a little at a time. Then go through the motions according to plan.
In this way you didn’t break your promise and also he is not surprised. You can ask him to try to act surprised. Maybe he fools the family, maybe not. But then it’s on him to admit he “figured it out” because you were “acting nervous” or whatever.
If you can’t do that, then the other option is to go to his mother and tell her that you can’t keep her secret, before you tell your BF.
ALSO JUST FYI: His mother knows you are more than “just friends.” That’s why you’re invited. How many others from the office will be there?
YWBTA
You need to tell your boyfriend. At the end of the day, who’s trust do you value more? Your boyfriend or his mom?
Especially because you know he would want to know. It’s not ambiguous.
YWBTA
Tell him. You two LITERALLY argued about keeping secrets yesterday. Just say “Hey, your mom is going to have a surprise birthday dinner for you. I’m telling you because I know birthdays are hard, plus you hate surprises. She put a lot of time and effort into planning this, and she’s so excited about it, so please pretend to be surprised when we get there.“
Yes tell him
If you value your relationship, you will tell him. As someone who also hates surprises, this would seriously affect my perception of someone-especially in a new-ish relationship. ESH, but if you don’t tell him, YTA.
You already know the answer. You’re in a relationship with your BF. That’s who you owe honesty and allegiance to.
You are between a rock and a hard place, really, because either your boyfriend or his mother will be unhappy with you. Ultimately, though, what his mother thinks isn’t going to matter if this relationship ends because he doesn’t trust you. Tell him.
Tell him, no reason not to. People who hate surprises don’t magically find them fun in the face of suddenly walking into a group of partiers lol.
I absolutely ruin surprises all the time for people who hate ’em and I always will.
YWBTA if you don’t tell him.