Just need to vent here as today my parents told me how they didn’t understand how I could be together with my girlfriend.
So to give some context, my parents are really into fashion (they also both work in the fashion industry) and my girlfriend is somewhat chubby. She’s not fat at all though, and I’m actually really attracted to her.
However, this evening my parents started talking about her poor sense of fashion, which is not the first time they’re mentioning this. On top of that though, they were talking about my girlfriend’s weight, and how I might regret it later on in life if her weight were to increase even more (their words).
To be honest, this completely shocked me as I didn’t expect this at all. I’m completely flabbergasted cause when she’s with my parents they’re acting all friendly and all but now I’m wondering if this is all faked? We’ve been together for over 7 months now and I love her more than anything other in the world.
I don’t even know what to think right now, cause obviously I still love my parents and I want them to like and accept my girlfriend the way she is. I also can’t talk about this with my girlfriend as she’s quite sensitive and it would massively hurt her feelings.
Anyone with similar experiences or advice on how I could handle this going forward?
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fortunately you’re an adult and their opinion is meaningless
Tell GF to eat vegetable fat it is necessary to lose weight. Look up on internet. Sounds crazy but true.
The snarky response would be “I wasn’t raised to be that shallow”.
I was gonna say that you should say “wow, mom and dad, I had no idea you were so shallow!”
But you said they’re really into fashion and work in the fashion industry. So, no. You knew.
You should probably just tell them to mind their own business and that it’s not okay with you that they disrespect your girlfriend, even if it’s just to you and not to her face.
>they were talking about my girlfriend’s weight, and how I might regret it later on in life if her weight were to increase even more
Well you could say that about anyone, regardless of what their weight currently is.
Just tell them that you prefer her body to that of an underweight model.
Wow what a shitty thing for them to say. Now you know you need to do what you can to shelter your gf from their gross body shaming
You should simply make it clear to your parents that you will not accept any more remarks about your girlfriend’s weight (whatever it may be, one way or the other) and that remarking on anyone’s weight is generally poor taste and a sign of lack of tact.
Your parents are probably perfectly capable of liking your girlfriend as a person while at the same time having thoughts about her weight, so I don’t think you need to worry that they are just pretending to like her. However, they need to be told in no uncertain terms that you are not open to discussing her appearance with them in one way or the other.
This is the first time your parents have ever been shallow?
Your parents are shallow people who care about looks more than the quality of a persons character. If you keep going in this relationship you NEED to be there for your gf. Awful in-laws are only a problem for people with spineless partners.
i’m sorry your parents are such shallow, superficial dipshits.
i’d stop talking to them. my dad made a comment about my partner exactly once, and i told him if they didn’t like each other that’s fine, but that was between them, that was their problem, not mine, and i didn’t want to fucking hear about it.
my dad was a thoughtful guy, and he never pulled that shit again.
It’s tough finding out your parents are prejudiced.
The best you can do is state that you don’t agree with their judgement, that your girlfriend is a lovely person, and if they stopped judging her on the outside, they might find out what a lovely person she is. She’s not an object, she’s a person, with feeling and preferences and she doesn’t have to be like them to be accepted by them.
You could also ask them why they feel this prejudice towards her. Not everyone is interested in fashion. I sure wasn’t in my 20s, and these days, I dress how I feel comfortable, but I also dress well for my body, and that was something I learned as I grew. Really wasn’t important to me 2 decades ago.
Also, it you feel ashamed that they feel this way, tell them. Tell them when they say these mean things, you feel hurt, or ashamed, or (insert feeling here). Be honest.
You can also reduce spending time with them, and explain to them why.
Who knows, maybe they will learn something.
*I worked in the cosmetics/skincare industry for over a decade. There were a lot of lovely positive people, but also the occasional idiot. There were also quite a number of very insecure folk who were quick to judge others, but sometimes, you could educate them, and they would actually learn something.*
Best of luck to you.
You can love your parents, but this is the time to be an adult, set boundaries, and explain what is and isn’t acceptable to say.
If they think weight has anything to do with someone’s ability to be fashionable they’re shit at fashion. This is a very “why would I care if she gains weight as long as she’s healthy?” moment.
I’d say to talk with your parents about it. Find out what their real issue is and if the real issue turns out to be they think being anything other than thin is bad they’ve gotta examine and unpack that and not make it your problem. The best advice I can give is to have your girlfriends back. If they keep being two faced I do think it’s a good idea to tell your girlfriend but you have to be careful about how you approach it so that she doesn’t think you’re telling her she should be thinner and blaming it on your parents. It’s best to keep focus on the issue which is your parents being two faced, not her weight. “Hey. I know they haven’t done it in front of you but I want us to visit my parents less. I had a talk with them about this and they keep saying negative things I don’t agree with in private and it’s two faced and makes me really uncomfortable. I love you and think it’s cruel of them and I’d rather you find out from me distancing them than from them slipping up and hurting you. ” Obviously it depends on how she is and how you two already talk. But making it clear that it’s not about what they’re saying just that they’re wrong and it’s unacceptable and you’ve got her back is the safest way. She’s welcome to choose to still talk to them of course, but you making the decision to distance YOURSELF from them because of how it makes you feel to have them do this shows that it’s not you kicking the can down the road or making decisions for her.
I’m not saying to cut them out. Not everything is black and white. But you do need to make it clear this isn’t a non issue.
Interesting way to find out your parents’ will regret marrying each other when one of them gains weight.
Time to start practicing phrases like “we’re not discussing my gfs looks”, “don’t insult my gf again” and “if you continue being disrespectful then this conversation is over/I will leave”
There are so many people out there who never find love, or struggle for decades before they do. If you’ve found someone you love, and she loves you, you’re lucky.
You’ve already gotten some good advice about how to handle it with your parents – be assertive, set a strong boundary. I know it hurts that they don’t accept her the way she is, and that might be the most challenging part of this for you…..learning to accept that you and your parents do not share the same values.
Your parent’s values are very shallow. People are so much more than their appearance. Don’t be swayed by them.
Tell them that if they talk this way to your girlfriend it will damage your relationship with both of them. I’d also tell them you’re attracted to her and it’s none of their business.
Fatphobia is not okay. You can’t change what they think but you can create boundaries over what you’ll tolerate them saying to you or to her.
Set boundaries with your parents.
“If you continue to comment on my girlfriend’s weight or fashion sense, I will limit the quality time I spend with you.”
Then stick to it. If they bring it up over dinner and then want to talk to you, “Unfortunately, I can’t converse for the remainder of dinner because of how you spoke about Girlfriend. It’s disrespectful.”
If they harass you, leave the table.
Be consistent with your boundaries, and go see a therapist who can help you deal with your parents because this is likely not going to stop even as you age out of their home.
Become a master at setting boundaries. Learn from an expert, there is a right and wrong way to set boundaries. It’s not about controlling the other people, it’s about your actions being in line with your core values.
Good luck 🙂
My MIL is REALLY into fashion. At one point was a manager at a Nicole Miller store. I’m a jeans and t-shirt kinda girl. MIL doesn’t approve of me. Actually, she doesn’t approve of anyone or anything. Hubby and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary in February. We love each other. We’re happy together.
Side note… he went no contact with her roughly 5 years ago. Wasn’t about me. Life has become infinitely more peaceful since then.
Everyone’s situation is different. Can’t judge off one little blip of information about your parents. Just giving you one possible future scenario there.
I Worked on fashion avenue. i am totally not shocked by two ppl who made careers in fashion and are shallow and fake. In the end, do you, follow your heart.