My(21F) BF (22M) of 3 years who’s been my bestest friend since 7 years feels that I chose my best friend from my uni over him.
So, my boyfriend had his uni finals for around 3 weeks and we hadn’t seen each other or hung out properly in all that time.
I had asked him when his finals gets over, but he didn’t tell me, and I left it at that.
My best friend’s birthday was on Thursday, and we decided we would celebrate her birthday on Sunday, 2 days later, and we (as in my uni friends and me) had decided this around 20-25 days before her birthday.
However, my boyfriend’s exam got over on the Saturday of the same week and he asked that me and him go to an amusement park as a date, on the Sunday, and he asked this around 15 days before.
But since I already had agreed with my friends to go out to celebrate my best friend’s birthday, I told him we could go another day after Sunday.
I did go to my best friend’s birthday celebration that day but my boyfriend was very upset.
My boyfriend thinks I chose my bestfriend over him and that I did not choose him.
I wanted to go with him, spend time with him because I hadn’t seen him in so long but I also had made a commitment to my bestfriend to give her a good birthday celebration.
How do I make him understand that I did not chose her over him or any such thing?
he expected me to just drop my plan which I made before he could ask me
He thinks I should have hung out with him on Sunday instead because his exams had just got over and we hadn’t seen each other in a while.
And he’s mad and upset about it, he says I fucked up and that I made a mistake because I didn’t choose him. He thinks that I wasn’t loyal to him.
Any suggestions please?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
He understands, and he doesn’t care. In his opinion, you should drop whatever plans he tells you to, when he tells you to, and do what he wants.
> He thinks that I wasn’t loyal to him
Because to him, “loyalty” means you drop plans with other people when he tells you to.
🙄 Wow, he sounds like a child. You’ve explained, I don’t see what more you can say. He’s just gonna have to sulk until he’s done.
Its 1 day of the year he can garden have you the other 354.. this sounds unsupportive and controlling. Or is he neurodivergant
“Hey, listen, I keep my plans with others if agreed to do so. I will do the same with you and that’s a good thing. It’s a bad thing if I were to drop plans I had agreed to because someone else asked. I am loyal to you but that doesn’t include dropping prior plans because that would make me a bad person.” PS: Your bf is bringing out heavy artillery like “you aren’t loyal to me” because you wouldn’t drop previous plans. You didn’t fuck up, you did the right thing. This whole “you didn’t choose me” is desperately immature and I give him old lady side-eye
He needed his time and you were available I assume while he was diligently studying. You gave it to him.
So he has to wait a little while ( not sure how long, you did not say) to see you.
He’s wrong. People can’t expect you to just drop your plans in a second because they are suddenly free and ask you at the last minute. ( okay 14 days is not last min) but the friend asked first.
I do wonder why he was not invited go to the birthday celebration. Is it too far away? Did he not want to go? Did you not invite him?
Your bf is a manipulative ass, you had already committed to your friend, he never got back to you till after the plans had been made. Now he is turning his actions against you by calling it your mistake and you fucked up and is calling you disloyal. Reread this comment OP and think about how he has been behaving. Is this the type of relationship you want, is it healthy, anytime you dont put him first or drop everything for him is this the way he will act.
I don’t know how some of you people deal with partners like this. Who wants to be in a relationship like this?
Its your friends birthday… I am sorry, but that should take priority over a generic hangout with your boyfriend.
This is your life. You’re allowed to have friends and celebrate their birthday. You can be in a relationship and maintain your social life, plenty of time to spend together and fit everything in. Your life doesn’t need to revolve entirely around your relationship.
This is selfish and I’d even argue abusive. To expect your entire life to revolve around him, must do as he says, must drop plans that were made nearly a month ago because he wants to do something. And if you don’t follow his demands, he punishes you by saying how you messed up like you owe him an apology for not allowing yourself to be controlled by him.
I wouldn’t apologize for a thing here, nor explain myself. This is controlling and madly toxic of him.
Your bf sucks.
Get a new one.
These type of guys ruin the experience of relationships. Demanding and controlling, self-centered manipulative entitled pricks.
Do you really want to be with a dude whose going to punish you any time you hang out with your friends?
“yes, I did choose my best friend on THIS PARTICULAR NIGHT since it was her birthday celebration. This is normal, and if you have an issue with that, then we probably aren’t compatible. Having a boyfriend or girlfriend that you prioritize doesn’t mean that you have to “choose” them over your other friends whenever they say so, or cancel other plans to see them. That’s insane and controlling, and if that’s the kind of relationship you want, you’re going to have to find it with someone else because I will not be told what I can and can’t do.”
This is probably just his immaturity, but it could also be the beginning of abusive control. The thing is, your BF does not get to demand that you see him. He doesn’t come “over” your friends automatically. In a healthy relationship, there is no one over the other. There’s no conflict at all because it’s not a competition. In a healthy relationship, he would WANT you to see your friend on your birthday. You did NOT fuck up, as he clai,s. You did NOT make a mistake and this does NOT make you disloyal. His logic is that of a toddler. What actually happened is that you acted like a normal reasonable person and he had a temper tantrum like a child. he thinks he gets to control you, and that means you need to dump him. That is not how real life adult relationships work.
I’m over 50. I’ve lived this already many times. Trust me, this guy is not worth it, and it will not last anyway. You tell this little boy that you don’t reallly care if he thinks that you fucked up, because you know that you didnt, and that any healthy partner would not have been angry about this. If he can’t handle that sometimes you are going to prioritize your friends (birthdays, difficult times, etc) then he’s not secure enough to be dating you. That if he’s so insecure that he needs to “win” over your friends, then he doesn’t deserve to date you. Anyone who makes you choose between your friends and them is toxic AF. Run, fast and far. Please do not give this boy a minute more of your time.
Wrong sub reddit but im still gonna use it anyways
I’m going to go with ESH- boyfriend more so if I had to pick sides but your both being childish. Him for expecting you to just drop plans, you’ve probably already talked about. And op sucks for not trying to bring boyfriend along for the birthday celebrations. It’s like he had free time for the first time in months and you flat out told him fuck off
RED FLAG ON THE PLAY
OP, does your bf have any other controlling behaviors? Bc this is not okay. You guys can literally go to do this date any other day of the year. Insisting that it HAD to be on a day you were spending with all your other friends is a controlling move.
There’s a bare possibility that he was just having a bad moment. But if there are hints of other controlling behaviors, DTMFA.
No one owes their partner obedience. If he wants obedience he should get a dog.
He wants to control you. He wants you to be so committed to him that you would sacrifice other relationships with people you care about for him. This is how he feels secure.
He needs therapy and to understand that all of your relationships are important, and ordering them by which ones are “more” important is ridiculous. You agreed to plans with someone else already. It’s not like you are choosing a party over attending his graduation. It was an unplanned date. It’s unreasonable to expect you to cancel plans with friends for him. I would never expect that of my wife. In fact, I would think she was being rude to her friends if she canceled plans with them just to go on a date with me.
Stop arguing about this. It’s ridiculous. You are allowed to celebrate with your friends. It would have been rude to cancel. Why is he still bringing this up? He sounds very immature. He knew you had plans & instead of making different ones- he expected you to ditch them? Wow. He doesn’t sound very nice either