So this is my first time posting to Reddit. I enjoy consuming Reddit content so thought I would try seeking advice now something advice worthy is happening in my life. Its messy and I’m still trying to process my own thoughts.
Last Monday my partner of 3 years and I broke up. We had a very stressful car journey to work that involved us getting lost and ended with me shouting at her. It was quite intense and I feel very ashamed of how I acted. I’m going to try keep this part consice but I will more than happy to answer questions in detail in comments. Long story short is I discovered I had autism last year and have neglected learning about how it affects me ever since. I have meltdowns over the smallest things that inconvenience me, though they are normally just directed at myself where I get frustrated and essentially have a tantrum. This time in the car it ended up getting directed at my partner. Again, I’m very ashamed of this and I’m more than happy to explain in detail in the comments if needed.
For various reasons this resulted in my partner breaking up with me. She felt unsafe and comes from a broken family where she grew up around a lot of anger and arguments. She didn’t want that for her future. I have since realised I can’t ignore the autism and have begun therapy with a neurodivergent specialist to understand myself better and figure out what’s “normal” behaviour and what I need to work on.
On the Wednesday I had my first therapy session and learnt so much. So much so that I felt I needed to talk to my ex and get some things off my chest. We had a really long and nice conversation that night (stayed up until 2am) and it felt very productive. It wasn’t an attempt to rekindle the relationship and I didn’t come away thinking we would get back together.
The next morning she messaged me saying that she loved me and that I was going to hate her. She said things along the lines of “I’ve fucked this all up” and “you’re going to hate me”, which obviously sent my mind racing to the place we can all predict. We decided to meet up to talk about it and yes it turned out to be worst scenario – she had gone out drinking on the Tuesday night (day after breakup) and slept with someone. Reason being she felt I didn’t care about her and someone made her feel wanted and she went with the flow.
After hearing everything I said on the Wednesday night she now wants to get back together as she feels I understand her and myself more. Obviously I still have a lot of work to do but it showed her I was making change. But honestly I don’t know how to feel. I know she didn’t technically cheat on me but I couldn’t even stomach the thought of downloading a dating app, let alone sleep with someone.
I think the thing is I feel I should be angry? I’m not angry though. I don’t know why I don’t feel angry about it. All I feel is that I want her back. Obviously the thought of it upsets me and I have alot of questions, but I’m not mad. I just worry that I’m suppressing emotions and if I agree to work on the relationship then later down the line these feelings will surface and ruin things. I’m obviously going to take some space to get my head straight to try and process things, and im also going to bring it up during my second therapy session next Wednesday. I just feel like I need other people’s opinions on the meantime. So any advice will be grateful Reddit.
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Why is she in charge of your romantic life?
Too much baggage bro. Get her gone
Don’t put all your eggs in this basket. If you wanna smash it again and/or Rosie and her five sisters are getting boring, just smash it up but hardwire it in your brain to bone out as soon as you possibly can
when you find anybody that will treat you better.No reason to hold it against her, let yourself feel what you feel about it but ultimately man, it is apart of life. People grow apart… they sometimes reunite… but there is no value in judging what they do when you aren’t committed to one another. It doesn’t mean you ignore the facts though either.
The main thing is to think about this is that you don’t hold anger or resentment for her but be wise in your next choice: You chose to break up…. she chose to sleep with someone right after that… which may indicate it was the right thing to break up.
Let her go and work on yourself
If you wanted her back you would have taken her back. Keep moving forward. I’m not demonizing her or demeaning her – she had a moment of weakness and sought validation the most convenient way women know how. It’s just nature. But your very first reaction wasn’t taking her back. You paused. You’re logic-ing it out instead of jumping for joy.
Give yourself space from her. Keep working with your therapist.
Can you stomach it if it happens again? How about safety – if she just randomly sleeps with strangers on the same day as she meets them, what about infection risks?
What does that say about your relationship and the good things you’ve put in? If it’s too much to remember the good stuff and act out in times of trouble, is this really a relationship you want to pursue?
I bet the trickle truthing and/or gaslighting starts soon. Ask yourself the hard questions. Don’t take decisions based on emotions, rather give yourself time to understand who you are and what you want.
a random dude made her feel wanted because she sought out his dick. she ain’t it. you’re learning who you are to better yourself for you and others, that shows maturity. she lacks a lot. there’s better women out there.
I think you can be friends but you need to work on yourself right now. Yes, bring this up in therapy and keep working on it. Don’t get back together with her yet. I’m not saying it will never happen but I agree that you may have a blow up and you will be back at square one. I assume you don’t live together. If you do, someone needs to move out. You are not a bad person. You are 28 and have never worked on your autism because you didn’t know. It is manageable but you need to learn control. Good luck.
Updateme
are you sure you can actually forgive her? Its good if you can and therapy is helping you with your emotions. You had broken up so she must have been a mess when she slept with him. But you were broken up so you can’t be angry with her. But you 100% maybe suppressing emotions and if you take her back you may blurt something out about what she did during the next argument. I think you should stay single and work on your issues with your therapist.
You guys just broke up and should stay broken up, at least until you both have had some distance to do the work you need to do apart. A day of therapy is not enough to claim substantial change. Yes, it must feel shitty that she slept with someone else the day after the breakup, but her sex life became none of your business the moment you two split. She is well within her rights to sleep with a rando if it helps her feel better, as long as it’s not your brother or best friend or something.
Take the breakup seriously. Amicably agree to go no contact for a bit. Keep doing therapy, maybe date other people. In a few months if you’re both still single and yearning for each other, maybe getting back together could be a conversation, but it’s all too fresh right now.
While she’s not cheated or done anything “wrong” in that sense, it doesn’t change the fact it took her 24hrs to sleep with someone else after 3 years of being loyal to you. It should make you really question whether that’s something you’d want to get back together with.
Doing the math, if you guys now went on to be together 15 years, it’d take her 5 days to go sleep with another guy after that…
Why would you be angry again?
You made her feel unsafe and she broke up with you.
You weren’t dating when she was w someone else.
Talk to your therapist about this
The next time you are about to lose your shit ask yourself if you would yell at your boss or a cop. At least you’ll have awareness of your ability to control your outbursts.
She effectively cheated on you. Maybe not technically, but she did in every other way. You can’t go back
She has been shopping someone else for a minute. Feels gross to initiate a break up to then just go fuck someone and then try and get back together.
When you yelled at her, did you just yell but the content of what you were saying was respectful? Or did you say extremely hurtful things, call her slurs, go for the low blow like her insecurities, and compromise her self worth? Yelling out of anger is something you can get past, but if you said certain things, you can’t unsay them and I’d say it completely explains and justifies her behavior. Verbal abuse does things to a person.
While you were broken up, I would have concerns about how quickly she slept with someone else. In the end, you are the only one to decide if you can live with that knowledge. It would be a no go for me.
Yes you should be angry! You guys broke up after a heated argument the first thing you do is go to therapy and she goes out and sleeps with someone!
She can sleep with someone she’s technically single but her frontal lobe is fully developed that’s just a lot of baggage you’re a young dude, prioritize yourself.
In the past, I used to believe that this was not cheating, but I did a similar thing and now I understand that this is not a mistake, either have excuses, was a decision.
If it’s ok with you forgive this, ok, but probably this “mistake” will waste your mental health.
I’m honestly surprised at all of these people who just jump right in and say that you should let her go entirely because she did something while you were broken up.
From what you said, your relationship was pretty good until you blew up on her for something that was not about her and that made her feel unsafe so she broke up with you. Her decision to have sex with someone else one day after you broke up does not mean that she felt any less love for you during your relationship.
The bottom line is that if you really love her, but you’re worried that you might resent this later, You really need to discuss this with your therapist and come to terms with how you really feel. It’s a lot worse to get back together with her, knowing that you might come up one day with some resentment, than it would be to just let her go. I don’t personally think it’s any of your business what she did when you were broken up whether it was her idea or yours, but that’s just me.
I’m not even gunna read the post OP. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever (deep breath) ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER…. Get back with someone after a break up. When the relationship ends you need to consider it ended for good. All the old problems that caused the break up in the first place, those WILL be there the second time around. There is no “making things work” after there has been a break up.
The relationship already didn’t work once. I’d be pretty surprised if it worked on the second try.
Maybe ask about talking again in a month and seeing what you think instead of just how you feel. Whatever decision you reach then is what you do. No trying again after another month.
Doing this a day after a fight and breakup is wild. I would move along. She didnt necessarily do anything wrong, but it did show how she valued you. So just sit with that thought for awhile. I would recommend just being single for a bit. You will have your hands full just handling yourself, much less handling yourself and a relationship. Really proud of you for working on yourself.
how does anyone get lost on their way to work?
Keep working on yourself. Keep her as your ex. She couldn’t wait to jump into bed with someone else.
Give it a couple of days and see how your emotions react to it. As someone that’s also autistic. Since emotions, especially to big things like this, could take a bit to really load and connect.
If after a few days come by and you are feeling the emotions, really think if this is something you can handle knowing
At least this was something that happened after the breakup which isn’t the most worse someone can do getting out of a long relationship.
I say give yourself a week at least and really think about your feelings, especially if it might not show until later.
What she did or who she slept with when you and she were broke up is none of your business. You need to accept that.
However.
That doesn’t mean you should take her back.
Nah bro, you deserve better than this. She’s blaming you for hoeing around. Definitely not your fault. Move on from her man. This is just way too much baggage.
She wasted no time which should tell you how she really felt about your relationship.
Why should you be angry? Not your concern.
Don’t forget, she left you because you were a dick to her. Neurodivergence is an explanation but not an excuse. She didn’t cheat, she did something she has every right to do. Every person who is single, man or woman or other, has the right to pick up in a bar no matter their circumstances as long as it’s consensual. She didn’t owe you anything and was hurt and angry and we’ve all made rash decisions when hurt and angry. She didn’t even have to tell you about it but she did.
100% your choice whether you decide to rekindle, or take time to decide or cut her off or whatever. You have that right. You can feel about it however you want and your feelings are valid. But the redditors trashing her are out of line.
To put this bluntly, I’d find it hard to work through, especially considering she broke it off with you and then enjoyed someone else’s meat. Granted there may be other issues but they don’t excuse sleeping with someone else when the ‘break-up’ was so fresh and probably not permanent. This one you’ll have to decide what to do as it’s really about what you want, if you think this won’t happen again you could work passed it but if there’s been other issues like flirting with others previously etc I’d be out.
One therapy session is a drop in the ocean
If you like her. Don’t break up.
But you are going to have an interesting ride. Enjoy it for what it is.
The argument was just an excuse to do this. It’s been building up for longer than you think and she took the way out that makes you look and feel bad. Then she immediately slept with a stranger. That’s how much she valued you. A random redditor could’ve been at the bar and smashed your girlfriend that night because she was still mad at you.
you aren’t going to like my answer.
It sounds like you took your stress out on her. Shouting over a situation that is a normal stressful situation, and not regulating yourself, even though you found out before this you have something that can result in this very thing. It should of already been something you were working on.
Then she got mad at you, drank, found a guy that made her feel good about herself and got laid. It was clearly a angry rebound. Her being 25 and being with someone exclusively since she was 22 may of contributed to this as well, as that’s bordering on the “young” age to get into a serious relationship. It doesn’t seem to me she’s ready to continue a long term relationship.
She “got back” at you in her mind in my opinion and maybe fullfiled something she wanted before the break up.
This is just going to happen again until you figure out how to regulate yourself and she gets to experience casual dating.
Break up for a year and be friends is my advice. It will go by fast. Then see were y’all land.
You broke up for reasons. Those reasons still exist. Stay broken up.
My ex broke up with me and I couldn’t fathom being with someone else. Also if it was that quickly she’s either sleeping with very random men or she’s been entertaining the guy long before you two split up. She wanted another man for sex and then when she had enough she wanted you back. She’s using you.
I wouldn’t recommend entertaining this one.
I think you should take your time, get further along in your therapy, etc., before you make any big decisions. It isn’t so much about her as about you.
Just block her and move on.
Yea… she’s trash, move on
The only “should” here is that you should take your time. Take your time to really examine your feelings. To get to know what they feel like for you. This time in therapy is really valuable for you. As you now know, you experience feelings in a unique way.
You may not be angry now, but that could change, along with a host of other feelings.
If she really cares she will give you time. She knows that even though you were broken up, this was a major fuckup on her part.
Just here to encourage you to move on. It’s going to be an emotional slog, but therapy is moving forward. Going backward to the relationship would be emotional quicksand. This is not to say her feelings are any less valid, but you don’t owe her anything, and it sounds like she has issues to work through, too.
Nah my man, she’s not the one. Let her go and use Waze. How you getting lost in 2025?
Can’t be friends unless neither of you have any feeling at all for the other. Which you do,.so that’s out.
For me, once someone has slept with someone else, one way or another they’ve moved on. And if she pushed off a break up then, slept with someone the next day, that wasn’t an accident. No.matter how you feeling about someone, if it’s not 100% or genuinely casual, move on, there really really are plenty more fish in the sea.
You’re not angry because you’re suppressing it
Anger is normal here because she not only cared so little about the relationships that she fucked someone else… but she accused you of not caring about the relationship while doing so
Do you see the irony here?
Here’s the real truth you don’t want to hear…
She got pumped and dumped by someone she was more attracted to. She got lots of validation from
Being wanted by them. BUT… That someone didn’t want anything to do with her beyond a fuck, which made her feel worthless. So now she comes running back to you.. the comfortable guy
The bigger issue here is that your ex is actually the one who needs therapy. A healthy person doesn’t go fuck someone after a breakup with someone they care about. If her need for validation is that strong, it’s not like that need for validation is suddenly going to go away once you get back together
It’s a character flaw
Move on
If she needs validation from a random dudes dick and can’t find it within herself – she has work to do on herself as well.
Nope
Just like you’re learning about who you are, she’s also showing you who she is. Sure, it’s not good that you blew up at her, especially since she has her own issues, but there’s a pretty stark contrast in how each of you handled things from there. You immediately went out and started getting help to work on yourself. She immediately went out and got under another guy. Maybe she really is sorry and will never do it again, but is that a chance you’re willing to take? Keep working on yourself, then go meet someone new.
Have a spine. Move on