I (34M) have been financially supporting my girlfriend (37F) for the last two years, for multiple reasons I won’t get in to here. I’ve taken her on multiple trips, paid for medical expenses, even taken her family (mother 60F and 2 daughters 16F 18F) on an international trip to the states for their first time, for her daughter’s graduation.
We live and I work in Japan, and my contract for employment is up in August, but being renewed. There has been some delays that I have just been made aware of, and now it won’t get renewed until the end of the year, so I will be without pay for a few months. I told her I wouldn’t be able to financially support her as much for the next few months until my contract renews and I have steady income again.
My girlfriend was upset and annoyed, and decided she will try to look for a job, and asked if I would be mad if, now that she starts making her own money, start taking trips on her own.
In the moment she told me that, I told her I felt it was selfish of her, and that it was bad timing to bring it up after I just found out I won’t have income for several months. Her argument was that it’s her money, she can spend it how she wants. She says we aren’t married and is single, so she can do as she wants.
I felt a little hurt and frustrated. I’ve sacrificed a lot to financially take care of her during her hard times, taken care of her family, been more than generous to her and never pressured her to get back to work until she was ready and found a job she enjoyed. I have mentioned this to her, but she doesn’t seem to understand my perspective.
Am I the asshole for calling her selfish? She has been giving me the silent treatment for the last two days now. I’ve tried sitting down with her and apologizing, but she doesn’t respond to it.
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I (34M) have been financially supporting my girlfriend (37F) for the last two years, for multiple reasons I won’t get in to here. I’ve taken her on multiple trips, paid for medical expenses, even taken her family (mother 60F and 2 daughters 16F 18F) on an international trip to the states for their first time, for her daughter’s graduation.
We live and I work in Japan, and my contract for employment is up in August, but being renewed. There has been some delays that I have just been made aware of, and now it won’t get renewed until the end of the year, so I will be without pay for a few months. I told her I wouldn’t be able to financially support her as much for the next few months until my contract renews and I have steady income again.
My girlfriend was upset and annoyed, and decided she will try to look for a job, and asked if I would be mad if, now that she starts making her own money, start taking trips on her own.
In the moment she told me that, I told her I felt it was selfish of her, and that it was bad timing to bring it up after I just found out I won’t have income for several months. Her argument was that it’s her money, she can spend it how she wants. She says we aren’t married and is single, so she can do as she wants.
I felt a little hurt and frustrated. I’ve sacrificed a lot to financially take care of her during her hard times, taken care of her family, been more than generous to her and never pressured her to get back to work until she was ready and found a job she enjoyed. I have mentioned this to her, but she doesn’t seem to understand my perspective.
Am I the asshole for calling her selfish? She has been giving me the silent treatment for the last two days now. I’ve tried sitting down with her and apologizing, but she doesn’t respond to it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called her selfish, that’s why I am asking if I’m the asshole
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. What are you apologizing for? She doesn’t care about you the way you care about her. What are you going to do with that information?
NTA and why are you apologizing to her? She sounds ungrateful.
NTA. She sounds like a gold digger.
NTA. I hate to break it to you, but her primary interest in you is monetary. She’s been using you for years and you are just beginning to see it now that your money source is temporarily dried up. I would seriously be reconsidering the relationship. Good luck to you.
NTA
Seems like you’re dating dead weight who isn’t in it.
I would suggest making her an ex
NTA. She clearly has the “what’s yours is ours and what’s mine is mine” attitude.
She’s just there to take advantage of you. I’d head for the exit.
Why are you with her if she’s not willing to support you for a few months? Sounds like she’s only with you for the free ride.
NTA. You should not be apologizing. She should be apologizing to you, for being selfish.
The entitlement here is crazy on her part. She should be saying hey let me get a job and help support you for the next few months because you have been so supportive of me.
I think you need to have a sit down with her and if she can’t see all that you have done for her, you need to think about whether this is something you can deal with. Do you want to be with someone who is willing to take all the financial support but not help when the tables are turned?
YTA for staying in a relationship with her and allowing her to use you like this. You’ve been financially supporting her for years and now she’s mad you’re about to lose your job?
And why are you apologizing to her? Bro please stand up for yourself and dump her. She’s only going to keep dragging you down.
NTA
Dude, NTA at all. Financial stress sucks, and it sounds like your GF’s being super uncool about it. You’ve been her rock, but now when you hit a rough patch, she’s talking solo trips? Nah, mate. Not okay. Hope things get better, bro. Good luck! 👍
NTA
Your “girlfriend” has just shown you who she is.
Believe her.
You deserve better.
So NTA.
You told her about your employment situation and she was “annoyed”? And all this time, she CAN work? And you want to apologize to her? For what?
Fuck is wrong with you dude? Are there only like 5 women in Japan?
She has been letting you subsidize her lifestyle, well beyond what is necessary in order to live, but is uninterested in helping you stay on your feet with basic necessities for a few months? She is gross and she is selfish but she should also be single. NTA
NTA but what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. If she’s not willing to step up and help with the bills during this financial crisis and thinks that she doesn’t have to share her money because you’re unmarried then she’s not entitled to your money either. Stop paying for anything other than your share. She’s clearly not smart to be canceling her own meal ticket over a few months of needing to conserve money. At least she’s shown you how selfish and greedy she is now. Consider the money you’ve already spent on her and her family a lesson learned tax and move on.
NTA
This relationship sounds transactional and I would leave. So you’ve taken care of her and her family and when you might need help or to scale back, her reaction is to get a job and travel solo. Got it. So where was the fire under her ass to get a job this whole time? There wasn’t one. She wanted to live off you and she’s frustrated she can’t.
Obviously YOU also know you’re not married but you were treating her like a partner. Now YOU know she doesn’t view herself as being in a partnership. She views herself as single with a sugar daddy it seems.
Sorry to say but you’re just a walking debit card to her. YOUR money is YALLS and HER money is HERS..
NTA
She told you that y’all weren’t married. Believe that and cut your losses.
NTA
She flat out told you that she considers herself single? She will do better in a sugar relationship, and it would be more honest for everyone involved.
NTA and break up with her
This should be a wake-up call for you. She doesn’t love you. She loves your money. She feels no obligation to you now that you’re going through a (brief) hard time. Be grateful you found out she’s a gold digger. I think you should have noticed sooner. You have been so good to her. She’s not going to return your care.
Time for some house cleaning. Throw out the trash.
NTA, but you are certainly financing one. You’re single too, and get to make your own decisions with “your money.” I’d suggest telling her you agree. You’ve decided she should get a job because she’ll need it to pay rent elsewhere. She is with you for your yen, not love. Being single can be freeing.
NTA. Hey she said she’s single so make that a reality and run for it. She’s a user. She wants to be single let her be single.
Bye Felicia!
Wait, what?! She’s single while you think you are in a relationship for two years? And why should you apologize to all the things you did that benefited her and her family but is not grateful about these?
NTA.
Nta. She is selfish. And she is only around, when you have the money. She doesn’t care either way, whom she’s with, only that someone else is paying for her to be comfortable.
Start doing the same. When you have your steady income. Rethink your relationship. But also start making moves to take care of you first. She will leave you homeless, if you haven’t put things in your name.
You’re single too, now. Per her definition of financial status. Don’t help her with her medical bills anymore. She can handle it.
You’re being used, dude! You aren’t the AITA. She sounds incredibly selfish and spoiled. It is her turn to earn money to help care and support you.
You picked badly, so take the loss, lick your wounds and find a woman who will reciprocate. When you break up with her, use that word: reciprocate. And don’t spend money like that on a woman unless you are married.
NTA. She sounds pretty awful
Seriously? You paid for her company/sex. It was your choice, you just chose to be stupid
My friend, you have a dead weight more than you have a girlfriend.
In a relationship, both people should be working as a team, a partnership. From what you’ve described, it sounds like she views your relationship as purely transactional. For example, when my husband was out of work during covid, I kept us afloat and made sure he was good, because the only way I was good or felt ok was if he was taken care of and ok. And when I went back to school, he worked and did the same thing. No tally marks or keeping score, just making sure us and our lives were as solid as possible.
There is no partnership or team work between you two. And honestly, that’s incredibly sad. I’d take some time to really search and see if this is the kind of relationship you’d see yourself being satisfied with in the long-term.
You’re NTA but she most definitely is IMO.
NTA. She has gladly enjoyed all you have provided for years and here she is only concerned with herself when she has to actually sacrifice and earn. If only you hadn’t seen the red flag straight off. That is, if this is a real post. Reeks of AI.
NTA. Oh, and charge her for the other unnecessary expenses. You know, like that trip.
NTA. You’ll only be the asshole (to yourself) if you stay with her.
NTA but she is. She’s using you for your money dude.
>She says we aren’t married and is single, so she can do as she wants.
She’s not wrong… Buuuuuut she needs to realize that is a 2 way street and you have zero obligation to her, or her children. You have done more than support her and her 2 children, you have provided her with a lifestyle. Now that you aren’t providing it, she’s showing you that you are not a priority or even a consideration. You’re literally just there to pay her way through life.
NTA she’s been using and financially abusing you. Suddenly when the table turns she wouldn’t repay you for a vacation and wants to go solo instead?? If she’s “single” in her mind then let her be truly single and withdraw from the relationship.
You are not wrong. Do nothing for her ever again
She’s using you. Pretty SELFISH THERE TOO
NTA. Run! She clearly is using you. You do not want to be married to someone like this. Her being selfish is just the tip of the iceberg here.
NTA, she literally just told you that she’s single, so cute her loose and let her be single without you monetarily supporting her. And don’t take her back when she runs out of money and suddenly decides to give a shit again.
NTA
But kick this B to the curb and stop supporting her and her whole damn family!!
You’re not even the kids dad, she’s using yoy playa, run!
Nah, you shouldn’t have called her selfish.
You should have called her a gold digger. Seriously though, she does not love you, she just loves your money and counts on you bending over backwards to keep her happy. I believe the expression is “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”. She’s showing you that she does not love you, and she’s not even willing to help you with a fraction of what you’ve helped her with. Run my guy.
NTA
She said she was single, bye girl
OP, come one – she is using you and now that there is a money drain she is showing you who she really is.
NTA, and I guess since y’all are both single according to her you should start looking for a different woman
Not trying to be insulting, but you need to stop being a doormat.
NTA. You know you got a gold digger on your hands.
You deserve better dude. Find another girlfriend. And sorry about your loss of income, hopefully short term and you’ll find your feet soon.
You’re having money problems and her first thought is when she can go on holiday? You are NTA.
NTA, but you have set up expectation of you supporting her and she has grown used to that being the norm, and she may have become dependent on your support. You did the right thing, by letting her know before you could not support her anymore.
Edit: given her reaction and wanting to take solo trips, you may want to reconsider this relationship and where its going.
If she said she is single, she’s been using you.
Unfortunately, your gf believes that your money is “our money,” and her money is just that—her money. She’s says she’s single and can do what she wants. She has very clearly let you know that as far as she is concerned, yo two are not in a relationship. It appears to me that you have been in a sugar daddy type arrangement the past two years (although you are younger). Have you and she had any discussions defining your relationship, including a future together?
Is she a Japanese or Asian? Maybe it’s a cultural thing since Japan is still very much a patriarchal society ie the male gender role traditionally is taking care of the tabs.