About 2-3 years ago I caught my husband texting with his ex gf. He said they had only texted for 3 weeks but I’m not 100% sure. He said she was the one to initiate it. I reached out to her to ask if he had initiated it and She ignored my messages. She knew he was married with a child. I’m not placing blame because trust me I still don’t trust my husband. Anyway, I just found her husbands fb. Should I message him anonymously and tell him about it even though it happened years ago? I obviously won’t out my husband but I think her husband has a right to know. Who knows if she is still talking to other guys. I’d want to know if I was him.
AITAH for messaging his mistress’s husband?
r/AITAH
Comments
Tell him. She should have replied to you. NTA.
I mean, you have a right to tell her husband about it. And you also have to talk with your husband about it, because such things should be discussed. If he reacts weirdly to it – that’s a sign
If this is really about you thinking he deserves to know and not just about you taking revenge on her for not responding to you, then I don’t see why you’d do it anonymously. If you are anonymous then you’re less believable and you’re making it so he can’t ask questions or get details to see that you’re not lying.
NTA if you do it, but it feels like you missed the boat a bit given it was 2-3 years ago. She might be a different person by now and I would question your motives a bit before you do so.
For example, you say “her husband has the right to know” because that sounds noble of you, but I can’t help but feel like this is more about getting back at her as you feel like she got away with it.
So you want to destroy a family? For what? Because you’re bitter? What about their kid?
tbh i think your feelings are super valid, especially since she ignored you and you’re still carrying that weight. but just ask yourself… will this bring real closure or just stir up something messy that doesn’t really heal either of you?
What made you decide to look him up now and not when it happened? And it doesn’t matter who initiated it because he responded and kept responding. Does he still text her?
If you’re just trying to get revenge, yeah, you’re the asshole. Focus on your own relationship, not someone else’s.
Was she with her husband when the messages were exchanged? What good would come of messaging him? It seems like it’s just dusting up the current with the past. It’s been years. You should’ve messaged her husband back then if you were going to. Just leave them alone and move on with your life. You chose to stay with your husband. Forgive him or leave him.
Umm no you need to tell him everything. Yeah it’s messy, but honestly if she’s still doing things that are inappropriate in her marriage her husband needs to know. She probably still is doing sneaky stuff.
You have a right to tell her husband but the fact that you chose to stay with your cheating husband kind of makes it null and void.
Why start trouble in her marriage when you accepted him doing this to you and decided to stay. If you were going to tell you should have told back then. However he does have a right to know but if you’re choosing to stay then what’s the point?
Girl its been years. Why did you wait so long? Why didnt you do anything then? He does have a right to know but that exactly do you expect to gain out of this?
YTA- you have no idea what’s going on in her relationship or if this would risk her safety. It’s been years. Focus on your own life and choose to leave your husband and/or get therapy. Acting as the prison guard in your marriage means you’re in prison too.
the fact it’s this tempting to blow up someone else’s life right now means you’re still in crisis. Obsessing over this woman will not help you.
Gawd no, this is years ago. Let her go and focus on YOUR problems, like the husband you don’t trust
Why people projecting their issues on other people???
Girl, your husband is the only one you should be dealing with. Doesn’t matter who initiated the text, your husband was responding. Move on, and deal with your own family. No good can come from messaging her husband.
You should tell him, but be careful with your words. You don’t want to come across as bitter or the victim. He needs to know because who else is she texting and reaching out to? Keep us posted
Why do you want to stir up drama for something from years ago?
If you were going to tell him you should have done it years ago. Why do it now?
To much water under the bridge forget about it no bodies perfect.
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The fact that you waited years kind of makes you out to be the AH, and makes it appear that you are just trying to stir up drama, and using the excuse “he deserves to know” to convince you are doing it for noble reasons. Why now, and not then?
Of course you should tell him.
Why are you asking if you’re the asshole you should fucking do it she cheated on her husband and he cheated on his wife. Don’t listen to these other people. Quietly divorce him, and then just tell her husband and then date her husband!
Your anger should be toward your husband. Why don’t you put him yo your family. Tell everyone what he did.
Yes actions have consequences. You can contact the husband if not makes you feel good.
Why now? Why not then? I think it’s a petty move to do it now especially after I’m assuming you forgave your husband. YTA. I think your doing it cause you mostly blame her.
… how does texting with his ex = mistress? This is that all or nothing borderline kind of thinking.
You should have told him when you found out.
You can still tell him if you want to.
But getting back at her won’t make you feel better. Especially when you don’t have the self respect to leave your cheating husband.
Who knows if she’s still talking to your husband?
NTA. I would message him.
UpdateMe
Why now? I think even if you message him, you’ll come off as the “crazy wife”. I would focus on my relationship and try to move on.
Why would you do that? It will wreak havoc in your marriage because it will be VERY obvious that it was you. YTA for even thinking about it.
Leave the alone. Do t break up anyone’s marriage over talk .
Gurl- the incident happened years ago – there is nothing to gain. If you don’t trust your husband, divorce him. Leave the “mistress” and Reddit out of this silliness.
It’s been 2-3 years. Let it go. He was her ex, not some random man. Your husband could have put an end to it. But he didn’t until you found out.
Nta
Revenge or not… do it.
Texting makes a “mistress” now?
On one hand, your husband is fully responsible for his straying. It was shitty from her to go for a married man, but your husband was the one who made a monogamy commitment to you, it was up to him to turn her down.
On the other hand, he might want to know that his wife is unfaithful. If she initiated it with your husband, she probably found other people to cheat on him with since.
But, the thing is, if you want him to believe you, you might have to give him more information that would trace it back to you and your husband. Otherwise, if he gets an anonymous message with no specifics, he is more likely to ignore it and assume it’s a scam or a shit-stirrer. If you are not ready to face that music, better stay put then.
No. You would be the asshole. You have no idea what their relationship is, what they’ve gone through, or what they’re going through. It sounds like you don’t even know what the real situation was with the original text messages. What exactly would be your hoped for outcome here? Are you hoping to destroy their marriage? Are you hoping to hurt her? Are you maybe still hurting over the situation and looking for someone to share that hurt? Regardless which is the answer, it sounds like you have work you need to do on yourself and within your own marriage and you need to leave complete strangers out of it.
You doing this shows you are in denial about your husband. If he engaged in the conversation for WEEKS he is just as guilty. How about you fix your own marriage, and let what ever happens with there’s happen on its own?
Yes you’re the AH. Her relationship isn’t your business nor do you have any idea of the state of her marriage (open, abuse, etc.).
Don’t make this messier than it is, stick to dealing with your own relationship.
Just message the ex and tell her if she can’t answer you, then you will move on to asking her husband. Honestly, I wouldn’t follow thru, but it might get you the answers you need.
From years ago? Girl, let it go! You’re tryna make someone feel the same pain that you’re holding on to. If you can’t move on & forgive your husband, then maybe just leave him.
NTA. You don’t owe her anything and he deserves to know.
So you’re about to go scorched earth because your man cheated on you, you took him back, were clearly never able to move past it, and now want to make the other side hurt. Girl, just divorce him. 🙄
Yes
If you are going to message the husband then just do it with your own Facebook account and tell him everything I guess. Does the other person’s husband deserve to know, probably?
But it kinda sounds like you want to get back at your husband. And if you can’t trust your husband then why are you messaging the other girl?
Why are you still with your husband?
You seem to be doing this because you’re still unhappy and it seems like, out of spite, at this point.
I would focus on figuring out why you’re still stuck on this, and maybe that means therapy or separating.
You’re just wasting your time because of resentment… Plus I bet the texting between that girl and your husband wasn’t even that serious.
Yta I don’t why you think she was wrong and not your husband. He betrayed you and she betrayed her husband. If you do be an adult and do it with your name and give your husband’s name
Yes, would you not want to know if you were in his shoes?
I would but I’m petty
Why would you do that? You’re still with your husband so you forgave him for cheating. End of story. The mistress knew he was married and had a child and so did your husband when he was cheating.
And if you do message the mistress’ husband what will you gain from it? NOTHING. And on top of that you wont out your husband? Make it make sense.
You say it was a few years ago, so it is possible he already knows and they worked through it!
Otherwise, you can open a whole new can of worms and you could end up the one being hurt most!!
Go about your life and leave well alone!
First and foremost, anybody’s spouse talking to their ex would make them uncomfortable, but it would also depend on the nature of the conversations being had, if it was sexual for example, then you would have reason to tell the woman’s husband, but you don’t specify in your post about what the contents of the conversation and texting was, and being you’re wanting to do this two and three years later kind of seems like you’re wanting to start drama for entertainment purposes , I would suggest instead of dwelling on the past that you clearly have been consumed by for two or three years, I would say get a hobby, watch a movie, I hear lifetime network has a bunch of dramas you can watch instead of stirring up drama this way, because if you contact the husband and give a timeframe then it’s obviously going to get back to your husband and then boom now you got issues for digging up the past and stirring drama where it didn’t need to be especially if nothing inappropriate was being talked about to begin with.
I would, You do what you think is best..She knew he was married, and has a child, But Also your husband is allowing it to happen, once a cheater always a cheater
YTA. First off, EX girlfriend doesn’t make her his mistress now unless they are screwing around now. And according to you, you have no proof they are. Second, according to you, the messaging happened 2-3 years ago. If you think the ex girlfriends hubby needed to know you could have looked him up on fb back then and told him. Doing it now under any name is jusy stirring up shit that you aren’t sure is happening. Judging by the title of your post (ie.The use of the term mistress in conjunction with an ex- girlfriend who you haven’t actually caught him cheating with), it seems to me you’re just trying to manufacture some drama. Quite frankly, if you don’t trust him, then its time to leave.
If they were together when this happened, yes. If not, no.
You’d have more credibility disclosing you’re the other aggrieved party and you saw the message exchanges personally. Too many AH in this scenario.
He cheats, you stay. You will be back when he cheats again.
I didn’t understand why anyone would live with that but you do you.
Burn the world
You really reached out to the other woman? And then you stayed with your husband who you admit you don’t believe? And now you want to meddle in the other woman’s life 3 years later? Have you no self respect at all?
If you have evidence you can send the hubby, yes do that.
If you do not have evidence, I wouldn’t bother. They’d just paint you as crazy.
If you don’t trust your husband after this long, leave him. You deserve better. Don’t worry about the ex and her husband. Just go live your life and dump the baggage.
They were texting 2 to 3 years ago.. mistress is quite an escalatetion? YTA
Why anonymously?
How do you know that she was his mistress? Was evidence in the texts?
Stop snitching and find you someone to sext I’m available
I find it best to just stay out of other people’s business. It would be a different story if you personally knew her husband.
Burrrrrnn it all down
BURRRNNNN IT ALL!
YTA
You don’t care if he knows or not or you would have disclosed it years ago when it happened. There is no reason to hurt him because his wife hurt you. Or, do it but don’t pretend it’s about protecting him.
Yes you would be. Stay the fuck out of people’s business. They’ll know it was you. It’s not worth it.
You know. I recently had a friend reach out to me. We dated for a year as teenagers. 20+ years later she reached out. We caught up. Laughed. Joked. Talked.
My girlfriend was okay with it. She would lay on my chest and watch. Sometimes asking questions for clarity. Learning something new about my past. Helping with my jokes.
Her husband won’t stop texting me and threatening me. He seems to think she cheated. Calls it an emotional affair. He even called me and asked how my “wife” would feel about this. My girl took my phone and told him off (he stuttered).
We are all different. Her husband, turns out, is one of those that will not “allow” his wife to have a friend that is a guy. My girlfriend accepts my friends, no matter their sex.
My opinion…
Yta. Your husband (allegedly) broke his vow to you. You have no similar vow or agreement with the other woman or her spouse. And, waiting 2-3, without proof? Sounds like you want drama. Let it go.
Is it to show him really. Or to make you feel big two wrongs don’t make it right. So just think the more you play In shit. Means you are going to get it on you
No, you have every right to ask her what is going on between you guys. And she needs to reply and tell you the truth. Don’t be rude though. That’s beneath you.
YWBTA. And an idiot. Just leave the guy.
YTA You would destroy a marriage because of a few text messages??? What were they about? You didn’t say….
You could be insecure…more information needed
No. Yikes.
Tell him what? That, years ago, your husband and his wife texted for 3 weeks?
And you want to do it anonymously. He’s going to think you’re a weirdo…because you are.
Why on earth are you still married to a man that you don’t trust?
YTA
YTA. If your husband is not actively involved in an affair with this woman, you need to let it go. 2-3 years on and you are stalking her and her family. Super creepy. Your primary concern should be your marriage and your husband. Not revenge, which is the only outcome from any action taken to contact the other person. Get some therapy/counseling.
If she was with her husband at the time, then sure, go ahead.. if not, then leave it.. if she was with him at the time, I don’t know why you didn’t tell him & waited years later to say anything though.. makes it seem like you’re doing it because you feel the need to get back at her than because you think he deserves to know.
It was years ago, ask yourself why now? Has he cheated? Has he been texting other women?
What had happened or has he caused you to feel this all again?
Just coz he’s done this and hurt you maybe she hasn’t.
Don’t hurt her coz he hurt you.
Hurt people hurt people.
??? I’m not understanding the point… it’s been 3 years. Alot can happen in three years for all you know she told him and he forgave her. This seems like something you may have to go talk to someone to actively work through because to stir things up for no reason after 3 years is random and weird especially since you stayed so… what’s the point?
Stop living in the past
No you should not.
No you’re not
YTA.
Sounds like you’d rather dwell in the drama of it than handle your cheating husband. It’s been 2-3 years and it’s still on your mind?