My parents and brother said they wanted to celebrate my son’s birthday with him on the actual day. I told them we’ll be doing a hotel stay in the city and have already booked a buffet dinner at the hotel for his celebration. I told them they can feel free to join if they’re up for it, I’ll just add on to my reservations.
The day came, they arrived, had a good meal and enjoyed spending time with my son.
son.
After I checked out and settled the bill, I told my brother that each adult has to pay around $110 (it’s at a luxury hotel with a huge seafood station). I told him that I’ll cover my mum as a treat to her, because she’s no longer working. He can split my mum’s’ expenses with me if he’s feeling generous. Otherwise he can just pay me his share.
This is when he got really furious. He said that I should be picking up the entire tab because they were there to celebrate MY son’s birthday. In his words: when you’re throwing a party, you don’t ask your guests to pay their share of food.
I told him this wasn’t a party, just a birthday dinner. And if I knew I’m expected to pay, I’d picked a different day and at a different location. I told him he knew where we were going and he could have sat out of it if he found it too expensive.
Anyway, he begrudgingly paid his share. My mum is on his side. My dad is on mine and offered to pay for my mum’s share too.
The fact that my mum is on his side really threw me off – AITAH??
Extra info: I’m older than my brother so when I was working and he was still schooling, I’ve always bought him meals when we go out together. I just felt that the dynamics should change now that he’s been working for a long time.
Comments
Nah, you’re not the asshole. You invited them to join, not threw a party. Big difference. Your bro showed up to a $110 buffet and thought it was gonna be free lobster? Please. He could’ve said no. Instead, he ate like a king and then whined like a kid
Nope, you’re not the AH at all inviting someone to dinner isn’t the same as hosting a party, and grown adults can absolutely cover their own meal, especially when they knew the plan ahead of time.
YTA If you expected him to pay for himself, you should have said that upfront. You just said you’d add him to the reservation. You need to communicate better.
NTA- when you invite yourself to someone else’s celebration, you should automatically assume you are paying for yourself!
“Dear Mom and Brother,
If I had known when YOU invited YOURSELF to my son’s birthday celebration that I would have been expected to pay for everyone, I would have declined or I would have chosen a less expensive venue. Next time, please remember if you invite yourself then you pay for yourself. If I plan to pay for you, I will issue an invitation.”
You’re not the asshole. It was a birthday dinner, not a party, so asking your brother to pay his share is fair especially since you’ve helped him before
“Inviting someone to join a celebration isn’t the same as hosting one. If my presence = your treat, maybe I should’ve ordered the lobster tower and a foot massage too. Your kid, your rules your wallet doesn’t become the buffet.”
ESH
He did kind of invite himself but you should have made it clear of the cost upfront
YTA. “I told them they can feel free to join if they’re up for it, I’ll just add on to my reservations.” This is what’s known as an invitation.
no u ain’t the a-hole. u invited them, gave a choice, and covered mom out of kindness. it wasn’t a party, just dinner. ur brother overreacted.
Info was payment discussed beforehand?
$110 for a buffet. That’s insane
NTA. But did everyone have a heads up of costs beforehand or just after?
NTA
This is a prime example of why people don’t have birthday parties anymore. Too damn expensive, and adults always expecting a free ride. If a family member had a fit about me not paying their way at MY child’s birthday, they simply wouldn’t be allowed at any more of my child’s birthdays. The kid deserves a better example and less petty drama on their day, and I’d tell the entitled adults in question exactly that.
YTA based on your edit. You added that you’ve always paid for him. Also, the time to say you’re responsible for paying for your own meal to someone is BEFORE they eat, not after.
NTA. My family of origin is always inviting themselves to my events and then acting cheap too. It’s exhausting. I really don’t think you should have paid for your mom though. If she can’t afford to quit working, she shouldn’t have quit working.
Nta. This dinner should be paid by him and parents. You invited them to your party, they wanted separate. Basically dinner is on them. Doesn’t matter if it’s your child’s birthday.
NTA
YTA
Your effort says you’ve always covered him but think the dynamics should change now he’s been working a good while.
That’s fair enough, but in that case you should’ve said BEFORE the dinner that he should cover his own share.
Regardless you don’t just decide AFTER the event oh by the way you owe me x for your share
Side note
..110 a head for a buffet?!?😳
Did everyone know beforehand that you expected them to pay for themselves?
It’s been my experience that everyone chips in to cover the cost of the Birthday Boy and pays for themselves unless the eldest family member offers to treat for the whole family.
I think the duty of clear communication was on you. Especially given the family history where you historically paid for your brother. As long as you are clear beforehand what the financial deal is going to be, no one should get upset. This was left very unclear, so I understand why brother was upset.
ESH-this is a perfect example of poor communication. You know what they when you assume, right?
Soft YTA. The terms weren’t clear at all. You should have made it explicitly clear that they can add on but adults pay for themselves and you didn’t. You also picked a very expensive place and didn’t make the cost clear in the first place. It is reasonable to expect that the host pays for a birthday evening (party or not) so they’re not entirely out of line for assuming you would when you didn’t mention cost. Also, you say in your edit you normally pay for him so why wouldn’t he expect you to now? You said you expected a dynamic change but you didn’t discuss that with him and expected him to be a mind reader. You need to be a lot clearer about your expectations in future.