I (M52) live with my Wife (F48) and our 2 kids. My oldest child is my daughter who is (F19) She has decided she doesn’t want to go to collage/university which i fully support of that is what she wants. The issue is that she doesn’t have enough money to find a place to live and is not a very social person so doesn’t have any friends she can stay with. I’ve told her she can stay living here as long as she pays for rent. The reason I am making her pay rent is because i want her to learn how to be responsible for her space she is living in because to be honest she doesn’t take the best care of her space and i don’t want her making a mess in my house when she doesn’t have to be. She thinks it’s ridiculous that i plan to make her pay rent but i believe it is just part of being an adult so AITAH? Thanks again
Edit: Me and my wife have raised her as well as we could and taught her values and respect but we can’t control that she chooses to not put any effort into her life. Me and my Wife have had countless conversations with her about how you can’t survive riding off of other people’s backs but she just doesn’t care and thinks she will survive staying home with no issues. The money she pays will also be going to saving money for her toget her own place but she doesn’t understand why she has to pay and why Me and my wife can’t just give her Miney for it. Hope this clarifies some things and if there are questions feel free to ask!
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I (M52) live with my Wife (F48) and our 2 kids. My oldest child is my daughter who is (F19) She has decided she doesn’t want to go to collage/university which i fully support of that is what she wants. The issue is that she doesn’t have enough money to find a place to live and is not a very social person so doesn’t have any friends she can stay with. I’ve told her she can stay living here as long as she pays for rent. The reason I am making her pay rent is because i want her to learn how to be responsible for her space she is living in because to be honest she doesn’t take the best care of her space and i don’t want her making a mess in my house when she doesn’t have to be. She thinks it’s ridiculous that i plan to make her pay rent but i believe it is just part of being an adult so AITAH? Thanks again
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA seems fair
She is not in school, so she should have some type of job. As long as you aren’t charging something ridiculous I don’t see the issue
Are you 17f or 52m? Your post history makes it unclear.
My adult children who currently live at home and are not in school pay rent.
It is about 1/2 of the going rate for a small apartment in a cheaper part of town.
I mean it’s your home and you can charge rent all you want to. But I’m not seeing how paying rent is going to make her clean her room when she doesn’t currently or help her with moving out in the future when she’s paying towards you instead of saving for her own place. In fact, if she pays rent, you really can’t control what happens inside the space that she rents until the day she moves out. I never had a landlord come to my home and tell me to clean my room or do my dishes. I got my security deposit back if the place was clean at the end of the year. You want the money and you want to keep her under your parental thumb, which isn’t what she’d be facing in the real world. At this point, it would be better if she moved out because then her money isn’t going towards someone else’s mortgage and she can put it towards her own place.
NTA – the rule in my circle of friends and family has always been: you can live rent free at home while in school, if not in school you’ll be paying rent.
YTA. Yes, you are an asshole. She is your daughter not your employee. Your ability as a parent was clearly not good enough to fully prepare her for her adult life and now you wan to charge her rent so “she becomes responsible”.
She clearly is not responsible, you will just add complications to her life. Charging money to your daughter to live in the house she grew up in 100% makes you an asshole and trying to profit on your parenthood deficiencies.
NTA as long as you aren’t charging ridiculous rates.
Make her pay rent, put it in a savings account, and use it for the deposit and to buy furniture when she gets her own place.
I plan to charge my kids if they decide to stay, a reasonable amount. But I am using the money to put into an account for them so when they are ready to move out they will have a savings they know nothing about. There is no way in hell I want them to struggle the way I did. This way it shows them responsibility and helps them in the future.
Not at all. She should be working and contributing to the household.
NTA it’s totally fair, as long as you are charging her something reasonable. If she’s choosing to not continue school and to work instead, then she needs to pay rent like any adult would. It’s about learning responsibility and money management.
A lot of parents who charge rent but can afford to do so secretly put the “rent” money away for the kid so when they are mature enough to move out, they have a little nest egg.
NTA at 19 it’s important to understand the value of money and the reality of being an adult. If she doesn’t want to go to school that’s her choice, but choices have consequences and so she should be paying rent. That said, rent should be low enough that she can afford to save up and move out, or you can do like my aunt does for my cousin. She has my cousin transfer 50% of her pay into a shared high interest bank account (shared with my aunt just so my aunt can monitor that she’s actually doing it, and she can’t withdraw from the account without my aunt’s signature.
50% sounds like a lot, but my cousin doesn’t have any other bills atm as part of the agreement was that my aunt and uncle pay for her cell and car insurance etc with family plans.
Anyway the “rent” isn’t touched, but will eventually be her down payment on a house at which point my aunt will remove herself from that shared account and my cousin moves out.
NTA. When my son decided college wasn’t for him, my husband and I helped him start looking for a career. He found a really good job and we said as long as he put 10% in his 401(k) and 50% of his take-home pay into a savings account, we wouldn’t charge him rent. But I wanted to be on the savings account so that I could see he was putting money in and not taking money out without talking to us first
Two years later he had over $40,000, no debt and was able to buy his own home.
If my son was refusing to have looked for a job, I would have cut him off financially. An adult needs to make adult decision and participate in adult behaviors. If she wants to act like a child, she can be treated like a child, including cleaning up after herself. My son was absolutely not permitted to make a mess in common areas without cleaning up after himself. His own room was messier, but as long as the door was shut, and there was no health hazards like food growing mold, I let it go.
NTA- But consider a proportional amount of rent based on her income.
For example only! Do you pay 30% of your income toward rent/mortgage? Then charge her the same percentage of her income.
However, do not expect her to change her behavior. It’s probably too late to try to instill good home care habits at this late date.
NTA
Charge a fair amount and start teaching her about rent, utilities, ect. Teach her about everything you can now before she is on her own so she does not get herself into an unexpected money pit.
You also want to charge rent otherwise she will end up living rent free with you forever and expect free housing. I know way to many adults 30s and over who have never moved out of their parents because the parents do not charge rent and it is way to easy to still live with mom and dad.
NTA. One of the biggest lessons I learnt as a young person was that your rent has to be made. I was on benefits at aged 19 and was so angry with my mum because she still made me pay full rent (keep) which took half my benefits. But that’s real life and a lesson well learnt!
NTA. She can choose to get a job or go to college – not wander around aimlessly.
NTA. When I (45M) turned 18 and started working, my father had me pay the electric bill as rent. Also put me on his car insurance policy and I paid the difference. I was happy to contribute to our family.
NTA you won’t be doing her any favors by letting her of the hook. Having rent to pay will make her have to get a job which she should have anyway. You could always save up the money she pays you and give it to her as a surprise gift when she eventually moves out 🙂
NTA. When my boys turned 18, I told them if they went to college, I would continue to support them however I could. I would not charge rent and would continue to pay their car insurance, phones, etc. I wanted them to be able to work hard so when they did move out, they could do it comfortably and not need to move back home and live in my basement. Otherwise, they would have to either pay rent or move out. They are 27 and 28 now and educated with great careers, military experience, and both own their own homes. You will not be doing your daughter any favors by allowing her to rely on someone else to survive. It may help her decide that she needs to go back to school or find a career that will sustain the lifestyle she desires. Plus, it’s even more important for females because you want her to be independent and not feel as though she needs a man to get those things.
NTA. My parents didn’t same thing to me when I came home from college. You having her pay rent is 100% going to help her in the long run.
I’m just going to say, if she’s having a hard time making friends, isn’t social, and leaves the house a mess there MAY be some underlying issues. I sounded a lot like your daughter at 19 and I was dealing with some pretty serious mental health issues that i couldn’t communicate. Might also be worth looking into for her.
That all sounds perfectly reasonable, and more, like responsible parenting. NTA. There’s no such thing as a free ride, you have to pay your way, either financially or with effort. Sooner she learns that, the better off she’ll be.
I would suggest though checking if she’s depressed or struggling with something that needs some professional help. You could also do rent of a scale, pay a high full price get all food and only basic chores for herself. Lower cost, more chores though I’d call them responsibilities just like a job does.
NTA – when I decided to stop college the deal was simple “you gave 3 weeks to find a job or get out”. The only thing I’d like to say is that making her pay rent in your house won’t teach her how to clean up; if anything, once she pays rent she’s an equal and can decide what to do with her space.
My children always knew they had a home with us. However, they also knew that unless they were in school, they had to pay some rent. There is no free ride in this world and it helps them to budget, take responsibility and feel pride in doing the right thing. Our youngest is 20 and getting ready to move out this week. He has been paying rent for 18 months and we told him if it was paid on time every month, he will get half back when he leaves home. Granted, he only pays $200 a month but he paid on time and is looking forward to that little rebate! He has also paid his own phone bill and car insurance. He works full-time and pays his own health insurance through his job. We are very proud of him but he has to earn his way 🙂
NTA.
That’s what my parents did as well (not saying that just because my parents did something it’s automatically right, but that their reasons for this particular thing made sense to me and my siblings).
They said that as long as we were attending school, whether that was high school or college, we could live at home rent-free. If we were not attending school we had 3 months grace period and then would be charged rent. What they charged was still less than what a separate apartment cost; 2 of my siblings took them up on that, me and the other sibling chose to move out after graduation. Both options totally valid.
How about you give it back to her with a check when she gets married? That would make her day
NTA – but I disagree on the merits of “secretly saving” her rent just to give it back to her in the future.
I think you’d get better results by saying, “instead of charging you rent, we’re going to expect you to put at least XX% of every paycheck into a savings account; that’s where you’re going to build up the money to go out on your own. It’s going to be a joint account with us, just so we can see that you’re holding up your end of the deal.”
Make her do the FULL management, planning, and saving to get out on her own…and lay it all out up front, so that there are no surprises down the road. You can even start working with her to figure out a “target amount” for savings – say, 3-4 months’ wages – to set her up to succeed.
What my parents did when I had just started making my own money (18) is they started charging me rent. Wasn’t a small amount either. I hated it! After a couple of years, when I decided to move out of my parents’ house, my mom handed me an envelope with all the money I had paid them. You know. For a start… It helped me tremendously, and since we were kinda a poor family (I never got any real money, nor did my family own anything), it was a gesture I still remember after more than 30 years.
My kids, when they start working, are going to be charged for rent and utilities the same way.
Each kid is different, but I don’t charge my 20 year old rent. They save their money just fine without me directing them to. You do realize that if she is paying you rent, she can keep her room as messy as she likes, right? She’ll be a paying tenant. And you can’t parent a tenant in the same way.
YTA. I know everyone else is saying different but at 41 I look back and realize 19 is still a child. I understand wanting to teach her but does she actually have enough to pay rent? What I would do is if she gives you something a month out it into a Roth IRA for her
Totally fair. My sister is almost 21 and still lives at home. She pays nothing and contributes nothing, as in she barely even cleans up after herself. She’s so entitled and has zero independence. My parents are at a loss with her. To make it worse, she has no respect for them…because they let her walk all over them.
You’re doing the right thing and when she matures she will realise how good you raised her. Even if this drives her to move out and be mad at you for a while, it forces her to be independent.
NTA
NTA,
My mom has the rule “if you want to live under my roof you can live rent free if you are in school” if not, get a job and pay a nominal amount for rent. I joined the Marine Corps out of HS.
NTA. Completely fair and responsible to charge her rent. Putting that rent aside for her future is a wise idea. The sooner she accepts and adapts to being a self supporting adult, the better off she will be in life.
NTA, you’re attempting to teach her valuable life lessons. 19 is a bit late, but not too late, and definitely better late than never.
NTA
You’re not kicking her out, you’re giving her a chance to stay while also teaching her responsibility. It’s completely fair to ask an adult child to contribute to household expenses, especially if she’s not pursuing school or making steps toward independence.
Charging her rent isn’t cruel; it’s a life lesson. If she doesn’t learn how to manage responsibilities now, she’ll struggle even more when she has to move out. Plus, you’re actually saving the money for her future, she just doesn’t realize that yet.
She needs to understand that adulthood comes with responsibilities. If she doesn’t want to pay rent, she needs to come up with an alternative, like moving out or contributing in another meaningful way.
You’ve raised her well, given her options, and now she needs to step up.
NTA. I love the idea of collecting rent and saving it for them when they’re ready to set out. Does she know what she wants to do ? 😊
My son is a freshman in college, and my daughter who is a junior in high school, just let us know she’d like to go into cosmetology in lieu of college (after working with the drama club this year). Clearly cosmetology school will be so much less than my son’s expected $350k college education, so we’ll put some money aside for her living expenses/school/ perhaps a future business.
For some of us who were just ‘expected’ to go to college, I’m really glad my daughter spoke up and wants to pick her own course.
NTA. I’ve told my boys that when they are adults, they may live here rent free IF there is an emergency, OR if they are taking steps to better themselves. That means they need to be going to school.
It sounds like she has a case of failure to launch and you’re not putting up with it. Good for you.
NTA. She needs to learn life’s responsibility. Having to pay will prepare her for life
NTA, and if you want to be extra nice and save the money she contributes to rent to give back to her as a nest egg when she leaves, that’s extra nice. Definitely not required. She’s making choices like not attending college and not finding roommates. Not sure if she’s working. Those choices have consequences and rent is an entirely reasonable consequence for a 19yo. I will suggest you have her seen by a primary care physician and evaluated for depression, if you haven’t already. If she’s not comfortable talking about it with you, it would be good that she at least gets a chance to talk about it with a doctor. Good luck.
That was the deal at my house, rent was free when going to school. In the break year I had to pay rent, and I moved out instead of paying rent to mom, less rules, but way more responsibility. When I moved back in when I was 30s back in school again, it was rent free for those 3 years too, made going back to school possible.
NTA
NTA but I think rent specifically is a slippery slope. Rent makes her a tenant and not just your daughter. I personally never paid rent at home because my parents told me what to do until the day I moved out. Rent gives people legal recourse that you may not be trying to give. Just something to consider.
My parents asked me to pay rent and a share in household costs too as long as I lived at home after I graduated – for the same reasons.
And although I knew friends who did not have to chip in at home I always thought it was a fair thing to do.
When I moved out to live with my then girlfriend/now wife they gifted me all the rent money I paid over the years.
Without my knowledge my parents saved it all.
It was an excellent lesson to learn how to manage life and still be in a safe environment – and it was a wonderful gift when I was ready to start my own family.
NTA, for similar reasons everyone else is saying!
My uncles parents charged him rent to teach him responsibility but saved it for him and gave it back to him on his wedding day.
Not at all. She needs to learn responsibility and pulling her weight. If she has a car she should also be paying for her car insurance and phone. If you don’t charge her rent you would merely be enabling her. If she doesn’t have enough money to pay her bills she needs to figure out how to bring in more income for herself.
NTA, she’s an adult now and this is a great way to help her transition into those adult responsibilities. Putting the money in a savings account for her own place is great, and can show her the long term benefits of financial management. I think you’re going a great job!