I 29F have 2 older brothers and this is going to be related to James 34M. Sometime around 3 years ago James met his now wife Aria 33F and they got married the following year. Aria also has 2 kids from her previous marriage but I’ll come back to it later.
Ever since they started dating Aria has been very clear about her boundaries when it comes to our family. She claimed her previous marriage was a disaster because her ex husband was a mommy’s boy, her ex MIL was very involved in their lives and she refused to have the same happen with James. James I assume being in love with her and wanting to start a family basically agreed with everything so the result was him getting isolated from our family. My parents were never crazy, my mom was never an evil type of MIL and this can be confirmed by my other brother’s wife who has an amazing relationship with mom. To be honest we would have expected more from James, at least to defend us a little in front of his wife or try to keep a closer relationship with us. But he didn’t so we spoke to him once, voiced our concerns about her being a controlling nightmare and that was it. We left him do whatever he wanted.
Ever since Aria joined our family, our relationship with them is disgustingly sterile and fake. We only see them for certain events like Christmas, Easter and birthdays and everything that comes from them is so formal I guess. I don’t know how to explain it but they never share anything with us. The only thing they talk to us is small talk like, how are you, how have you been blah blah but that’s it. A recent example that comes to my mind is that my brother got a big promotion and somehow it slipped during a dinner we had. They never mentioned him getting that promotion, it was something like yeah now with my new role, my schedule changed a little bit. I tried to make a joke and told him wow, good job keeping it a secret bro and Aria told me it was not a secret but they are a private family and don’t feel like disclosing financial information. Like wtf, no one asked about finances or money.
Aria’s sister recently passed away and now she suddenly expressed that my SIL and I should be more involved as her kids’ aunts. I told her I am sorry for her loss but I only am an aunt to my other brother’s kids, not hers. She told me this is wrong because we are family and I mentioned that I personally don’t consider her or her kids my family. She is my brother’s wife, her kids are my brother’s step kids but that’s it and honestly I barely consider James my family anymore since we are now only related by blood and nothing else. I am not going to take over a role that I don’t want for people who I barely know. Apparently my words affected James who asked me if I mean what I said. I told him yes, I mean it. He asked me what can he do to make it better and I told him I don’t know, how do you fix 3 years of treating your siblings and parents like shit because of some strangers that entered your life in your 30s? He claims he is willing to try for us to go back to how things were but I told him I am not interested. He can continue playing happy family with his wife and her kids, he doesn’t need me for it because I am not a clown to entertain his wife’s kids when she feels like it.
Comments
NTA. Keep the same energy. SIL is just a users.
Nta,
Aria needs free babysitters to replace her late sister. NTA, Aria would not have wished any changes in her relationship with you and your SIL otherwise.
I’m guessing Aria’s sister was a doormat and babysat all the time and now she needs a replacement. NTA
NTA but if you used to have a close relationship with your brother I might give him some grace as he’s come out of the honeymoon fog and is maybe realizing he’s losing family. It was her decision to be a “private family” and not get close to you so why on earth would you take in her children as close family?
NTA She set the limitations and boundaries you’re respecting them. Because for me, it would be too little too late also
ESH,
First, when an argument between you and your spouse goes from 1-on-1 to 1-on-his whole fucking family, you’ll understand how awful and terrible it is for a relationship. Its 100% both reasonable and healthy to have an explicit boundary that your marriage is between 2 people and others shouldn’t be involved. You acting like your SIL wanting that boundary is somehow an insult to your family makes you an ahole.
Second, you didn’t make an effort to put yourself in those kids shoes. They already have a “father’s side of the family” still even though their mom and dad are divorced and their relationship with that group will usually be far stronger than the one with their stepdad’s family who may feel like unwanted replacements. They don’t have the social skills that adults have to handle this. It feels like both your family and your SIL didn’t make enough of an effort to help those kids feel comfortable with their new extended family. Like it or not you are partly to blame for that as your SIL is too.
Neither the kids nor your SIL are entitled to a relationship with you. Them acting like they are entitled does make them an ahole. You are well within your rights to refuse to make an effort there, but you must accept that there is a consequence of a strained relationship with your brother.
Nta. Unless she pays you, her kids are not your problem.
From what given here, I’m assuming that you live in the same state/town/country as them, and don’t live like 5 hours apart. (Even if that was the case you could have talked with them online/on phone)
From the vague info, I’m saying NTA. You, James and his wife were basically strangers for year, just met up during holidays.
Now, if you’re here, then I assume that you feel bad about it (And no one is pressuring you because of it) then ask yourself the following: Do you even care about him?
Also, this will be a big guess, but Aria’s sister probably helped with childcare and now that burden is on James, and this is his solo way to get out of that responsibility.
No this is not ok. She does not get to decide everyone’s position in life. Shes controlling and leverages everything to comfort her with absolutely no regard to anyone else’s feelings. And if she does this to you guys, she must be an absolute nightmare to him. People like that are never happy and will continue being a nightmare. Don’t give to her, but the brother can try with his family once he starts standing up for himself.
She has to lay in the bed she made
NTA but you may be more like your SIL than you realize.
This is just my opinion. Grief and death bring on a ton of emotion and regret. It makes you see things that you have been doing wrong a lot of times especially to a person that you will never see again. The passing of her sister may have broke her down to the point where she actually understands now she has been a complete ass to you and your mom and other family members. No matter what has transpired between all parties yoir brother and his wife at attempting to make amends. You not wrong if you say no that’s your choice but just knowing that being a big ass happy family is at least worth a try. You even said Yal just small talk and see each other Christmas and Easter. Crank up the grill for Labor Day weekend and just start there. See if it was a sincere shot at being a family or BS. The aunt part I’m sure will naturally happen if you and brother reconcile even though they not biologically his kids. But it’s worth a shot . So it’s totally up to you.
NTA.
Though I must say, if your brother is that isolated and you barely seem him and talk to him, it sounds as if it might be domestic abuse/violence.
I understand the wife set her « boundaries » but in my opinion it’s more than that. It seems extremely controlling and the fact that she isolated your brother worries me.
NTA.
The only thing I would suggest considering is that Aria really has been a controlling nightmare and has potentially abused your brother, so I personally would tell him something like, “I don’t know that we’ll ever be close again as there’s a lot of hurt after the way we’ve been treated and I’m not sure we’ll be able to fully trust that it won’t happen again, but I promise you we’ll help and support you if you decide to leave the relationship.”
NTA, “You reap what you sow”
Updateme
She set the rules, James followed. Now it’s a different story. Well, this is the consequences.
Another “my brother’s step kids post,” is not family post. Quite the theme lately.
NTA- she 100% wants a free babysitter. She doesn’t get to try and play happy family after 3 years.
Let Aria know that you can watch the kids, but for $30 an hour. She treated you like a stranger. You can treat her like a financial transaction.
NTA, Aria sounds like a nightmare.
It sounds like you had a good relationship with James before she arrived in the picture. Maybe consider trying to rebuild the relationship with him but with clear boundaries about Aria and her kids.
You’re NTA simply because your SIL, James’ wife, never allowed you to get to know her or her kids. If James’ family wants a relationship with his side of the family, then the relationships will need to grow organically. You might want to start by talking with your step-nibblings and ask them about their hobbies.
I think you have to tell Aria that life and the world don’t revolve around her wishes. It’s not like now that her sister is gone, you are a backup aunt to children not related to you. She decided to isolate her husband from his family, now she has to face the consequences of her actions
And you are not the AH for telling the truth
James is gunna end up divorced and completely alone.
NTA, your SIL is an entitled person who now wants to rally village resources when they are beneficial to her needs and preferences only.
You don’t know them, and they’ve made that choice to interact as acquaintances rather than close family, so no, she doesn’t get to pawn her kids off on you under the guise of family support when she’s chosen to be a distant member.
NTA so it’s ok if aria sets boundaries, but the rest of you are bad guys doing so.
info: how far away they live from your family?
WARN YOUR PARENTS she’s going to try to weasel her way into their lives, after 3 years of isolating their son. And if her sister was still alive, she’d continue to be distant. She just wants free childcare.
I’m guessing his rose colored glasses are slipping. Don’t cut him out completely, he’s likely starting to hear similar sentiments from his old friends too.
I understand why you said what you said. If she brings it up again, simply remind her that she made it clear that you weren’t family and have adjusted accordingly so you will not be babysitting.
That said, try not to count your brother out yet. Explain to him what he did and because of that how you feel. But if he wants to rebuild the relationship between you and him, he needs to do the work: come to visit, call, ask about your life etc. This will tell you how serious he is. He was definitely wrong, it sounds like he is just now realizing how his choices affected you.
Updateme
Nta at all.
You quite simply say your wife set the foundation for us and not being seen as family and you went along with it because you were thinking with your little head. Now your wife has decided that we can be family because she has no-one left your big head is catching up and you realising acted abhorrently to your family. You’ve faked your relationship with us for the last three years, just continue doing that!!!
Where would you be if her sister didn’t die? There’s your answer. NTA
NTA and it seems like to much has happened for you to be willing to work on the relationship which means if he is genuinely wanting to fix things he has to put in all the work.
Honestly NTA she just wants free childcare UpdateMe
Glad to know that I’m not the only one who thought the SIL wants now a free baby sitter.
NTA
NTA ,,, updateme
Honestly, tho, the fakeness and distance they’ve had for years, now suddenly she wants auntie vibes? Nah, not cool. James picked his lane n y’all gotta respect her boundaries like she enforced hers. Treatin’ family like they’re tops on your x-mas card list then expectin’ real feels? That ain’t how it works. I’d straight up say NTA. James n Aria played themselves. Sucks about Aria’s sis but y’all aren’t a convenience store open 24/7 to cater to her feelings. James wants 2 mend fences? Should’ve thought about that before siding with Aria in building the Berlin Wall within the fam. You do you & don’t feel guilty, fam deserves better than 2 be second best. If they want closeness, they gotta give it as well.
Good for you OP, standing firm and speaking up. Your brother is quite the work, and so is this SIL. Your brother ruined the relationship and now wants to try to fix it. Does he really or is it because his wife pushed him to because she wants you as the back up aunt. Keep doing what you are doing, be civil but dont bother getting any closer to them. NTA
Updateme NTA
I just want to know if there’s any blow-up on your “SIL”. She’s been real quiet after your confrontation.
Updateme
NTA They excluded themselves from being family. Stick to their plan, unless they make a serious change for the better, which includes not (ab)using people for free childcare.