AITA for refusing to help my sister with her baby every day after work?
I (21F) work full-time, every day except Sundays. My sister (36F) recently had a baby, who is now five months old. I love my nephew and visit them whenever I can after work, but it’s usually a long trip and I get home around 9 p.m. when I go there.
I live with my mom, and she doesn’t like me taking showers after 9 p.m. because of the noise. Even though I pay the water and electric bills, I try to avoid fights and respect that.
My sister just returned from maternity leave and asked me to come help with the baby every day after work so she can shower and get things done. I told her that it’s difficult for me because of how late I get home and the problems it causes at home. I also mentioned that I’m usually exhausted after work and that going there daily would be too much.
She said it was fine, but then got really upset and started yelling at me. She brought up personal things, saying I can’t keep a job and making me feel like I’m unreliable. I was just trying to explain my situation, but she seemed to take it as an attack.
Now I don’t feel comfortable going to her house anymore, even though I care about her and the baby. She has a husband and in-laws who could help her too, so I don’t feel like it’s fair for her to expect this much from me.
Still, I worry that my family will think I’m being selfish or uncaring.
AITA?
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AITA for refusing to help my sister with her baby every day after work?
I (21F) work full-time, every day except Sundays. My sister (36F) recently had a baby, who is now five months old. I love my nephew and visit them whenever I can after work, but it’s usually a long trip and I get home around 9 p.m. when I go there.
I live with my mom, and she doesn’t like me taking showers after 9 p.m. because of the noise. Even though I pay the water and electric bills, I try to avoid fights and respect that.
My sister just returned from maternity leave and asked me to come help with the baby every day after work so she can shower and get things done. I told her that it’s difficult for me because of how late I get home and the problems it causes at home. I also mentioned that I’m usually exhausted after work and that going there daily would be too much.
She said it was fine, but then got really upset and started yelling at me. She brought up personal things, saying I can’t keep a job and making me feel like I’m unreliable. I was just trying to explain my situation, but she seemed to take it as an attack.
Now I don’t feel comfortable going to her house anymore, even though I care about her and the baby. She has a husband and in-laws who could help her too, so I don’t feel like it’s fair for her to expect this much from me.
Still, I worry that my family will think I’m being selfish or uncaring.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because my sister just came back from maternity leave and is overwhelmed, and I refused to help her daily with the baby. I understand she’s tired and probably expected more support from me as her sister.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA at all. I don’t understand why she doesn’t just…..put the baby in a crib and go take a shower? The baby will be fine.
NTA
You are not a free night time Nanny service. It’s lovely that you’re willing to help sometimes but she’s expecting too much
NTA
Helping family with their babies is a nice thing to do, IF you have the time and the energy. It is NOT a requirement and should never be an expectation. Your own life has to come first.
Your sister is being very entitled here.
NTA. Your sister needs to figure out another solution. Her baby is not your responsibility.
Your sister should consider other support options; you’re not her main caregiver.
Why do you need to go over there and help her? Why can’t her husband help her? Also, if you have trouble keeping a job, then spending every evening caring for a baby and being unable to have a shower is going to make it even more difficult for you to keep a job.
Your responsibility to look after your own future is greater than your responsibility to help your sister with hers. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
NTA. She’s not entitled to your time. Offer what you feel able to comfortably offer. And she can take it or leave it.
NTA
You didn’t have a baby, she did.
It is not your responsibility, it’s hers.
It is really kind of you to help out but your sister cannot demand you helping her.
Where is the childs other parent in all of this?
Do not let your sister dictate your life.
Help if and when you want to help.
You do not need to explain anything, you don’t owe your sister your life.
If anyone of your family thinks your selfish or uncaring: let them.
And tell them they do not get to judge you for your sisters choices. And they’d better be helping your sister 24/7 before making any judgements.
NTA-Where’s dad? It’s his job to help out. If he is not in the picture then that is your sister’s problem.
NTA. You are reliable – that’s why she’s asking for your help. You are reliable – you are making sure you sleep & are mentally/physically ready for work the next day.
It’s unreliable to have a baby with someone ( & live with family) AND not expect the baby’s other parent to be a parent & partner.
NTA….Your sister is 36 and has a husband. The father of the child. She does not need you to come every day to help take care of her child.
And if she does, or this reaction is not normal for her, then you need to ask her if she should see a doctor, because she could be going thru post partum depression. Or she could be overwhelmed from returning to work.
You are not selfish or uncaring. You just have your own life to live right now and it conflicts with hers and the distance to get to her home.
NTA…..her ask is ridiculous , especially since she has a husband to help her. She is being very selfish of your time.
Who cares what other people think…..let them go help her.
Tell your shitty sister that her bad decisions are not your problem. And tell your shitty mother to get the fuck off her ass and help.
Absolutely not. Nta.
NTA!! Sounds like your sister is projecting her insecurities on to you. Granted she is a new mom and needs help with the baby, she’s not your responsibility. She has a husband and other support that should be the first line of assistance to her, not her 21 yo sister.
Now, is it possible for you to save up your money and move out of your mom’s place? Seems like she’s being a bit controlling for no reason, especially if she knows you help your sister after work, and that’s why you get home late. It’s nice of you to pitch in and help with bills, but it’s not your responsibility to do so.
It irks me when I hear parents demand their children help because the parent raised them and them need to contribute. I’m in my 40’s and would never make my child pay.
NTA. Childcare is her and the father’s responsibility, not yours.
Go live your best life.
Your mom and your sister sound exhausting.
NTA but you seem to be surrounded by them?
Your mum won’t let you shower after 9PM? Even with you paying a share of the bills? Since when is a shower noisy.
A full time job thats Monday – Saturday? Whoever designed that schedule sucks. Unless you get a random day off within the week each time, those are awful hours for a work/life balance.
Sister’s an AH for not accepting no as an answer. Asking for help on the odd occasion would certainly be expected, but not every night. That makes your work/life balance even worse. You’ll have no life left for yourself.
NTA. You’re 21, working full-time, and she’s acting like you’re her free nanny?? She has a whole husband and in-laws why is it your daily job to pick up the slack? Help when you can, not when you’re guilt-tripped.
NTA, you are not responsible for that child.
You absolutely don’t have to go over every day, that’s egregious. However, on days that you are willing to help out and go over, can you ask her if you can shower there? So you shower before you leave to get back home, thus avoiding the fight with your mom. But honestly, your sister does not get to demand your time like that. I would probably set some time aside if you are wanting to help out, like saying, “I can help out two days a week after work and one day every other weekend,” or “I can come over every Monday and Wednesday evening and help out on a random date night Friday…” but you are under no obligation to help out. You are also within your rights to ask for compensation! Like either gas money or an hourly wage like a babysitter, because you essentially would be a babysitter.
NTA
NTA. Your sister can learn ways to get things done without you being there- other single parents do every day. Not saying it’s easy, but it can be done. Or you can go over on for a couple hours your day off, if you want.
NTA
Your isster can shower when baby is asleep and in bed.
She can hand baby over to their dad.
She can take baby’s bouncer in with her if dad’s not home.
None of that requires you to go over there and not be able to shower yourself when you eventually do get home.
NTA. You did not have a baby. And, despite what she may say to the contrary, if it were you that had the baby, she would not adjust her life to accommodate your baby daily. And, if your mom can take your money for home expenses, she can allow you to shower when you need to. So much in this post…
NTA – She had the baby, not you! She and her husband need to figure out childcare themselves!
NTA. You are not the parent. You did not decide to have a baby at your age. She’s a grown adult who can care for her own child or figure out a solution with her own partner.
She does not get to take your life away from you to raise her child. You may love your nephew, but that doesn’t mean you have to parent him.
Your sister is acting selfish and entitled which considering how much older she is than you, is pretty ridiculous.
You deserve to rest and have a break after work. You deserve to go out and spend time with your friends. You should not be running back-and-forth raising her child every night.
You said she has a husband. Why is he not stepping up to the plate for his child and wife? If they have a problem in their marriage, they should work it out and not expect you to fill the gap. If she can’t find a time to shower, then her husband is dropping the ball. That’s a problem in her marriage. And it’s not your job as her sister to fix it.
NTA. If you are helping more than they are ask them who is actually being selfish or uncaring. At least you help more often than they do.
Pack a bag and shower at your sister’s house before heading home or tell your mother that you will be showering late if you get home late. Mom can go take care if her grandchild in the evenings or wear earplugs so the shower noise does not bother her, take a late night stroll around the block while you shower, enjoy a cup of decaf on the back patio while you shower or find a different way to cope but you will be showering.
And learn not to give so much to people who don’t appreciate the gift. If you are so unreliable why does she feel safe leaving her baby in your care? And if you are working full time the you can’t keep a job arguement does not hold water.
Wow – she yelled at you? What an entitled twit! You are NTA. Your sister has that spot all wrapped up, though it sounds as if she might have inherited the trait from your mother.
Where is your sister’s husband in all this? Surely he’s present at some point and could therefore parent the baby while sister showers and “gets things done”?
With the baby being five months old, though, your sister should have already figured out how to get things done while the baby sleeps or plays by itself in its bed.
This is baffling to me. Sit down with sis, mom and maybe BIL. Talk it out and plan to help maybe 2 days a week for specific time. They can work around your offered time schedule. Mom can help and be flexible with her rule. And sis can take care of personal needs in 1/2 hour if she wanted to.
NTA this is her responsibility, not yours. Millions of us have managed to shower and care for our children without help. She’s crazy, you stand your ground that you’ll be happy to help when needed but will not commit to becoming a nanny. Screw her, she’ll figure it out.
Two things here… NTA and she has a husband who is an equal partner in raising his child. If she needs help, he is the one who she should be yelling at.
NTA- you don’t owe anyone anything.
You did not have this baby- she and her husband did.
If you can move out of your mom’s house soon, do it. You will be much happier.
NTA, where’s her husband? Tell her you also have a job and needs to get things done that she has a partner & she can do them when baby sleeps. Stop visiting. Let her visit you & your mum. Or visit like an aunt, the odd weekend & family occasions.
NTA but time to look at moving out.
NTA
Do you consider yourself a people-pleaser? Do you fear the thought of anyone being upset with you, even though you don’t think that you did anything wrong?
This is sister’s baby, not yours. It’s unreasonable to ask for a nearly full-time sitter, for no pay. It doesn’t matter whether she has other help or not; it’s her responsibility, not yours. If she wanted your help, then she should be kinder towards you. Scratch that – she should be kinder, period.
Stop “explaining” your POV to others. You are allowed to live your life as you see fit. You don’t have to justify your choices to anyone, at any time.
Don’t worry about sis – people like her always find a way to get what they want.
You take care of yourself, maybe spend some time addressing your own emotional needs.
NTA and its time to move out asap and shut this down now.
You need to move to another city away from both of these people.