We met on hinge and there was a strong connection after the first date. We’ve been dating now for a bit and yesterday had a talk about becoming exclusive as it felt like a great match as we shared a lot of interests.
The thing is, I found out that while we’ve been dating, she’s still been sleeping with two other guys (1 is a casual friend who is not always around her group hangouts but is sometimes), as recently as 4 days ago, while we’ve been going on dates. She never lied about and brought it up when we talked about exclusivity.
I thanked her for telling me but told her I needed to think a little more now.
I know we weren’t exclusive yet but i feel weird after learning this. She has every right to date and sleep with whoever she wants. But if I’m dating someone who I think could be serious, I tend to just focus on that one person and am not usually seeking out other dates at the time and definitely not sleeping with others.
I need advice on whether this is the wrong way to think? Her friends claim Im wrong to let this bother me as we werent exclusive yet
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You feel how you feel. It’s not a scorecard of are you right in having your feelings.
if it isn’t your cup of tea it isn’t and if you can’t get passed it and want to move towards than don’t and go on your way but make sure to let potential partners know you stance when dating and how you focus on one person and don’t sleep with others so they know and they can let you know if they are the same or not so you can decide if that’s what you want or not
Something can be a deal breaker for you without being unethical
Are you ok with her sleeping with other guys when you are exclusive?
Really think about it? If she liked you like that she would have already done this because the way she felt for you. Butttttttttt she hasn’t wonder why…..
Remember OP words are just empty air the mean nothing. It’s all about her actions. Her actions are showing you if she actually cared she wouldn’t be banging other guys while seeing you
Unfortunately this is relationship advice so the sexism from the women will say this is normal behavior for women and blah blah blah let her sleep with anyone she wants while you’re exclusive
Technically she did not cheat as you said. However, she gave you insight into her mindset and actions. You were trying to develop a serious relationship and she recently slept with a casual guy friend, treating is as a “loophole” in your relationship status. I personally move on from this as I would tend to doubt her when she gave half-truth stories or isn’t always clear in her communication. But everyone is different and you may be able to accept what she did.
I think you missed the boat on talking about boundaries. While what she did wasn’t wrong, it seems like a mental block for you, and you’re not necessarily wrong either. You’re right for being honest about needing time to think about it as well. Would you have felt better about it had she told you earlier?? Or is it just her dating around that bothers you??
Eww. Those guys jizz would still be inside her 5 days later.
shes a slag and is alot more likely to cheat if you get together then a grill who wasn’t fucking two guys while dating you
Your feelings are valid. I mean I say that because I think like you, when I like someone a lot I just can and want to focus on one person only.
Would it be wrong of me to assume and hope the person I’m dating feels and acts like me? Yes. But that’s a mismatch in my head and you don’t have to be OK with it.
Her friends opinion isn’t really interesting and also kind of irrelevant. Like mine because you feel already that what was happening isn’t really something you had expected or particularly like.
If what happened just doesn’t sit right with you or your morals then act accordingly. It’s a shame really but that’s dating, you get to know a person and find out if you’re a match. Or talk it out and see if you can get past it or if you’re having trust issues even when you tell each other you’re going to be exclusive. Really take your time to think it through though.
Good luck.
Sometimes you just need to lie and this person is overly honest.
She’s not wrong but neither are you. Sounds like it’s not a values match for you.
It boggles my mind what people bring up about sleeping with other people when they don’t have too.
It’s a dealbreaker for me, but I think I’m more in the minority. I make it clear when I go out with someone that if either of us are pursuing a second date, then I expect that woman to not be seeing/sleeping with anyone else if that second date is going to happen. Some are absolutely fine with that arrangement, some aren’t ok, I’ve had someone call me a controlling narcissist once.
For me? If I go out with someone and enjoy myself and want to see them again, it means I really enjoyed my time and want to actually explore if there’s a future and therefore I’m going to give that woman the respect of my time and attention. I don’t want to have her in a bachelor competition. She deserves better. So do I. I can’t truly focus on this person and make rational decisions if I’m actively sleeping with another woman. I’ve tried it and it gets messy. But that’s FOR ME. A lot of people can date multiple people at the same time and be absolutely fine that the person they’re dating is doing the same thing. And that’s absolutely fine.
There is no “right or wrong” in what your preferences are in that world as long as you’re up front and honest from the get go. Because you weren’t, you’ve found yourself in a tricky position. Had you stated early on that it would make you uncomfortable to know that you all would continue to go on dates while she was sleeping with or seeing other men, she may have been fine with that arrangement. It sounds like she really likes you and wants to be exclusive with you, so you would have had a better idea for your future and what kind of partner she’d be, and if it fits what you need.
Again, it’s all about just being open and honest from the start. So many needless situations and conflicts can arise from just staying silent on a subject and then it all goes south when that things actually happens.
It’s a tough situation here, man. No one did anything wrong. There’s no bad guy here. Best of luck!
Walk on by!
i feel like if she really liked you this wouldn’t happen
Of course her friends claim you’re wrong, they’re probably exactly like her and fucking a bunch of dudes
Why would you want to get into a relationship with someone that’s been fucking multiple other men while she’s been dating you? Go find a woman who’s not getting ran through in between dates, there’s plenty of them out there
That’s just nasty. Walk away.
It’s gross. Idk why saying that is considered judgemental or offensive. Going on dates with you and fucking other guys before/during/after your dates? Gross. I sure as hell wouldn’t be exclusive with someone who acted like that. Major turn off. You think you had chemistry. She went home and banged another guy. Is this the kind of woman you want to grow old with? Commit to? Have children with? She’s still got other dude’s DNA inside her while having this conversation with you. Have you been sleeping with her as well or “taking it slow”? Not that it makes it any less gross either way. Barf.
You met in hinge why were you there, why was she there? It was supposed to be understood that you were both just looking for fun. Now that fun and your personalities have brought you both to a different place altogether. She’s been honest with you! Wow major bonus points right there ! She never had to say a word and could have most likely kept it covered up a lifetime but she chose honesty and that says volumes about the person she is and the level of trust you can have in her! You were never exclusive there is zero reasons for you to take issue with whom she’s been sleeping with up to this point. Seems as though she has a high sex drive can you keep up with that? Can you meet her needs there? That’s something you do need to ask yourself and her because you don’t want that to cause your relationship strain down the road . If I were in your shoes and I felt I could keep her happy and she would keep me happy then I’d never think twice about committing to her and or what her past prior to your exclusivity was. It’s not important that I was the first person she kissed , only that I’m the last person she wants to kiss ever again! God speed
I personally wouldn’t date someone like that.
You’re too young to settle for someone playing musical dicks in their free time.
OP, you say you had been dating for “a bit.” How long? In my mind, that would make a difference. In any case, I agree that her behavior hints at a casualness towards your relationship. It seems more important to you than her. Lastly, I am curious how her friends became involved in the discussion.
Run
A similar thing happened to me. I was dating a guy, great connection from the start and he did everything I could want from a relationship. After about 7/8 months we started talking about spending more time together, I wanted to make things between us more serious, but didn’t get a chance to express that, as he told me that in the name of transparency, he wanted to let me know he had been seeing someone else. It wasn’t serious, but he wanted to still see her and continue to move things forward with me.
He had told her about me and she was ok with it, as long as there was no-one else. I was heartbroken because I (like you) focus on one person at a time, especially if I’m thinking it could get serious. I had to end it with him, I couldn’t bear the thought of sharing someone in that way.
I can’t even speak to him anymore, as knowing he had been dating someone else for at least 5 /6 months of our 7/8, tainted everything. Much as I missed him for ages after, I knew I could never be ok with sharing, especially as I had developed strong feelings over our time together, thinking that there was no-one else on his side. I thought all his boyfriend-type behaviour meant he was open to being serious and exclusive. This poly-life is becoming the new trend, it seems.
Idk that’s crazy to me…. As a 36f I would never even disclose that let alone treat that as a casual situation. I would run from this girl that is not wife material even if she is honest about it. It takes a lot of emotional connection to give yourself to anyone like that let alone let it be casual and more than one. But who knows maybe talk to her a little more honestly about the whole thing and ask her if she can be loyal or if that’s what she even wants. Good luck