TL/DR: My wife has become an angry person and while I’ve been able to stay strong for the sake of the family, now it’s affecting our kids and realize I need to do something. I’m just not sure exactly what.
Today was the day I’ve been dreading. I (44M) had to look my 13 year old son in the eye, and say “Dad doesn’t have an answer for this”. He was in tears, had just finished explaining how “nothing he does is right”, “everything is my fault” and confirmed that he doesn’t feel loved by his mom. I knew this day was coming, because that’s how I’ve felt for quite awhile.
My wife (45F) and I have been together about 17 years. 2 kids (who are my world). Over the past…decade? I’ve watched as my wife has become an angry, negative person. In some ways I can’t blame her – she lost both her parents to cancer. We cut off communication with rest of her family because they are toxic people (final straw being her alcoholic brother was drunk got verbally and physically abusive towards our son).
She had her own battle with cancer a few years back. Since we were dating she’s been plagued by health issues. Seems every couple months she’s on a new suppliment or a new diet, which can affect her mood. Some days she’s fine and things are great. Other days it’s just anger. I never know what I’m going to wake up to. Now with perimenopause it’s even worse.
I’ve been burnt out on jobs and while she’s a stay at home Mom she has all the symptoms. I’ve told her she needs to take time for herself. I’ve begged her. For Christmas I gave her a gift certificate for a spa – and she still hasn’t gone. I tried booking her a week at a yoga retreat and she wouldn’t go. I’ve said I’ll do everything with the kids for the day and go to the beach with your chair and book. Nope.
I’ve mentioned talking to a therapist and she won’t (her parents were old school traditionalists so it’s a sign of weakness or something). I’ve asked her to talk to her doctor, and she won’t.
Everything is met with negative comments, sarcasm and there is 0 accountability on her end for anything. It always gets flipped around so it’s someone else’s “fault”. I try to gently bring this up (or sometimes very directly) and when she responds with “I just need to keep my mouth shut” and then gives everyone in the house the silent treatment for awhile.
Years ago sex left the relationship, but at this point even a show of affection is rare. Hell – that sentance in iteslf could be a long post.
Nothing I do is ever enough or good enough. I’ll work a 10 hour day and then cook 3 meals to meet 3 different diets, do the dishes and then get asked why I didn’t get to some chore that was asked about a week ago.
If I go out to do something for myself (which isn’t often) I usually get shit on for it. There’s some level of guilt thrown at me, like I’m walking out the door and she’ll start talking about how she’s hungry and there’s nothing to eat.
Do I have my flaws. Hell yes – but I try to work on them. I used to have anger issues – and worked really hard on that and got over it (thank you Seneca and stocisim).
After her battle with cancer when I had to be a nurse for her, take care of both kids and hold everything together for our family because we had no one to help us I started having panic attacks. I went to a therapist. It helped and doing well now.
I knew today was coming. I’ve been putting a strong face on and ignoring the problem for years. Trying to speak to it, or gently address things. Hoping things are going to improve. For the first time today I realized leaving my wife for the sake of our kids is a possibility.
My son saw a therapist for some stuff years ago, so I’m booking him an appointment with her. Booking one for myself too with the person I used to see. Going to ask both of them to recommend a family therapist.
I don’t think my situation is unique, but starting lose hope that things will ever improve. Beyond the therapy route – what else can I do? Has anyone else been in this situation and had the marriage bounce back?
If nothing else writing and venting to the cloud helped. Thanks for any advice or perspective.
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I really can’t read the whole post but it sounds like your wife has been in perimenopause for a while now. I know you can’t force her to schedule an exam & get her hormones checked but yeah…. perimenopause.
Have you ever watched the show Couple’s Therapy? I’ve just finished season 4 and the couple Rod and Alison have really stuck with me. Alison started therapy as an extremely angry and negative person and by the end of the series she’s come so far and is able to catch herself when that anger comes up or when she has the impulse to criticise or make unfair demands of her partner. I wonder if it’s the kind of thing you could persuade her to watch with you, or at the very least it might give you some hope for the work that can be done once you get her into therapy.
It’s like you’re my dad writing to me from the past because your story is so similar to his.
My parents were married for 17 years, and on any given day we could never tell if my mom was going to be fun and happy or angry and emotionally and physically abusive. My dad stayed with her that long because he loved her and he thought it was best for my sisters and me. I was 14 when they divorced, and I wish they had done it much sooner. My life got SO much better after the divorce.
Still, I’m now 47 years old, and I’m in therapy for the PTSD and depression caused by my mother’s emotional and physical abuse. So my advice is to get your kids out of that environment as soon as you can.
The best time to divorce your wife was years ago. The second best time is today.
You could propose joint marriage counseling to your wife. She might find that more palatable than individual therapy.
I’d suggest talking to her doctor specifically about perimenopause, too.
But if she won’t agree to those things, there’s not much you can do. It takes two people to fix a relationship and only one to end it.
Talk to your kids. Chances are they’ve wanted you to split a long time ago (assuming you take full custody of them).
Your wife desperately needs to seek professional mental (and likely physical) help.
You can’t force her to do either of those things, but you can file for a divorce and custody and give your kids some mental safety in their future home.
Sounds like she needs personal counseling and your marriage needs counseling as well. If this isn’t done, I think your marriage may suffer more to a point of divorce.
This sounds similar to my parents… my mother losing both parents to cancer and my father just being burnt out.
I feel in a sense the only way to fix things is change… you need to have a backbone as well for yourself and children ; tell her these things have been going on for far too long and it is affecting the whole family. If she cannot out of love for all of you and herself seek help or support whether that be hormone therapy or speaking to a professional or doing things to take care of herself; you will need to leave as this is affecting everyone’s quality of life including her own.
I know divorce is absolutely awful; mine are still together yet I wish they would’ve went separate ways as the unhappy outweighs the happy (I’m now 25 and parents have been together for about 35 years) but you need to change things for your family. Realistically, you’re the head and she’s the rib and whether she needs guidance from you or needs to get right and take care of herself internally needs to be said OUT LOUD. She cannot go through life making 3 other people miserable and herself and thinking that is normal or okay… it’s exhausting.
Best luck on what you choose to do.
She needs a. Antidepressant pill like cymbalta with cymbalta every thing is better. Depression gone, helps u laugh more all plus with this medication. 💊 somehow it brings out the best on the inside. Helps u lose weight, takes away any fear u might have gives you peace. Also find a church
Group that believes like u do. Attend every Sunday, your children will go into their age group and u will go into married couples it’s called Sunday School. I’ve been to Baptist like Billy Graham. And Assembly of God like Jimmy Swaggert. Jesus is the best God I’ve . ever known He cleans us up and changes us. Some friends will leave u and they will b replaced by ppl who try to live according to the Bible. Jesus feels clean on the inside of me. He feels like springtime! I will never give him up. I lived n Germany for 3 years and I went to military chapel services he was Dutch Reformist and years ago I attended a Methodist church that believed homosexuality is sin, now some Methodist have changed their believes. The Bible says either out holiness no one will see God. Study the Book of John it’s the easiest to understand. When I started reading 3 chapters every night b4 going to sleep and I ask God to make me holy. To give me the desires in my 💜 that he wants me to have not what I want but what he wants. I’m scared of hell. Who goes to heaven ? John 3:16 ppl who goes to hell? 1 Corinthians 6:9-11. We all going to die, we don’t know the day, be ready all the time.
As a child of this type of home life growing up (46m) the best thing my parents ever did was get divorced. It was hell dint get me wrong but still far better than what it would have been. My mother was bipolar, which didn’t help in the least. My father was way more patient than I ever gave him credit for growing up. When they split, I saw how much my father held it all together. My mother spiraled bad, and I mean bad for a while. I apologized to my father before his passing, it was the least I owed to him. This man deserved a medal and a parade for what he dealt with. I was an adult with my own kids before I understood.
The respect I have for him for choosing to leave what I now know was a personal hell is endless. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves and our kids is also the hardest thing.
You need a divorce and custody of those kids. You need to protect them.
If you can apologize for not having the answer, you can also apologize for making a mistake in your choice of partner.
Do that, and be a single dad for a while. The kids will thank you.
Leave her and get full custody. Leave before the kids hate you for staying
Honestly it could be a side effect of birth control or another medication or supplement.
It could also be due to pre-menopause.
And see if there’s a way you can bring it up to her gently. I don’t think there is.
I am not a professional but I saw Dr. Phil did a show where a family was recorded for a couple days and the wife was doing the same thing. When she saw what she was doing she actually changed. I don’t know how feasible it is to do something like this, or ethical, but it might be worth researching. Or, you can sit her down and tell her that either she see her medical doctor and a therapist or you are done as a family because you all do not deserve it.
As hard as it is to say… I think divorce would be the option. You’ve tried helping her for years it seems like and you shouldn’t have to put up with the way she has been making you feel. It’s not fair to yourself.
I think ultimately your children will understand and it would be the right choice for them as well. It might take some time but things will be ok. I hope everything turns out good
She needs strong anti depressants stat.
You and your children would be happier if you got divorced
Sounds like you need to end this charade OP. You don’t have a happy family life and your chldren are suffering
I would visit with a lawyer and see what your options are as far as getting custody and then proceed from there. If you can afford to divorce, I would have a very private conversation with your wife letting her know you have sought legal advice and are going to proceed with a divorce with seeking custody of the children.
At this point, she needs to look to her own future needs as far as employment. She would get some sort of support/settlement, but it won’t continue forever. Right now part time employment and getting back into the working world would benefit her. This might also help her sour disposition. She needs to get outside of herself somehow someway.
She won’t go to therapy, she won’t go to the doctor, she won’t do anything to make herself happy. All she does is make the lives of everyone around her miserable. Honestly, at this point, I think it’s time you kick her out. She either needs to get it together or go be a miserable human somewhere else
It sounds like your wife has needed therapy for some time. She’s got a lot of baggage to unpack. However, as you’ve found you cannot make her go.
What you can do is protect your kids by divorcing her and filing for custody.
You need to put your kids’ first here!
Hi, I’ve been in menopause since age 30 and I can tell you it’s not a walk in the park. I was not an angry person, but I found myself becoming agitated by noises, smells, and things that never would have sent me over the edge before menopause. If my husband has taught me anything it’s that when you don’t take it personally, it’s easier for the other person to reflect. Unless she’s becoming a physical danger to you or your kids, in which case I will tell you to call the cops because abuse is unacceptable. I lost my mom to ovarian cancer which is why I had a preventative hysterectomy done at age 30 due to having nodules come up on my uterus and ovaries. There’s no simple solution here for you because it is complex and has a lot of moving parts. Your wife is looking for a solution but the solution for me was hormone replacement therapy. I’m not a constantly angry person, but the other symptoms of menopause still plague me such as anxiety and sudden fatigue/insomnia. It’s hell because doctors don’t want to listen to women either and will tell us it’s all in our heads. I think you need to be her advocate with her obgyn. I understand if she has had cancer before, HRT might not be the safest option, but hopefully they can find something to help her. Please don’t give up on her especially if you still love her. She’s still in there somewhere but the hormones dropping off are wrecking her body and mental health right now. I was admittedly not on my best behavior after menopause and I would either be angry or just cry all the time and I know it wore my poor husband out. But he’s a solutions type of guy and we went through 5 doctors before we found one that would help me. I know it’s tough getting older, especially at our ages where everyone is getting old quicker than generations past. And it absolutely sucks. Take spa days for yourself too and try not to take it personally if she tries to guilt you for it. She has to get herself unstuck and that responsibility is not solely on you.
You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Your wife is that; nothing you do for her will help if she’s not genuinely motivated to address and fix her own issues.
Speak to a divorce lawyer about your options. You can create a happy home without your partner. I know that if I was a kid, I’d rather live with 1 happy parent than be stuck in a miserable toxic household ruled over by an angry parent who hates everyone and everything.
She lost interest a long time ago… Life is meant to be lived. Do what you must. It’s affecting the kiddles.
Hard for you and the kids…. hang in there and force her to understand what she is doing….
It’s time to give her a choice, therapy or a divorce.
Stop cooking her meals, she can cook her special diet for herself.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep her warm.
Time to choose yourself and your kids.
I think you need to lean into considerating a mental health problem. I’ve read about people losing it after the death of a parent, usually the mom’s death. Sometimes, especially in toxic families, you mourn the love you never had, and now you never will. It’s so complicated. Some turn into hoarders. Definitely behavioral therapy or something like that.
She sounds depressed to me. It’s too bad she won’t seek help.
You’re not the one who should be leaving, she should.
Wow you sound a lot like me, but switched bc it was my H. Health issues, not going to therapy, blaming everyone, ignoring me. (Not abusive). I ended up having an affair. Not a good idea I don’t recommend it, it’s been hell for both of us recovering from my infidelity. But it shook things up and made him realize what he had to lose. Now we are in MC and he did some IC (me too) and we both are making the relationship more of a priority.
Sometimes just making them realize what they have to lose can bring a change
Ugh my bf has the same complex as your son and wow, it’s so hard to heal from. Yah, parents divorced and he stayed with mom until it got too bad and grew up with dad after.
Sit her down and tell her everything you wrote here. Tell her you are on your last straw and she has a choice. Either things change or you go. It worked for me and my husband.