TLDR- Friends I gave up on because they constantly turned me down and weren’t there for me was an “honest” status of our friendship. I don’t care anymore after years of trying and don’t know what to say. I’m not very confrontational and am not trying to start drama.
I (30F) had a “core” friend group of 5 people, myself included. We have known each other for years and met in college. Back in the day when things were more peachy, I was the friend that always had to take the helm. Organize D&D nights, hang outs, active in group chats, always made sure I acknowledged everyone’s messages, etc. The glue of the friendship circle I guess. Even then I started realize the imbalance. After I stopped initiating, we didn’t play D&D for years. When I got cancer and told my friends I needed support, only Friend #4 really showed up for me.
Friend #3 & #4 moved away after college, as did I. I ended up really hating my job so I moved back to where friend 1 & 2 live a couple years ago. They barely acknowledged my existence. “Do you guys want to go get lunch? Go to trivia night at the pub? Do you want to come over for a game night? Do you want to have a potluck night? Do you want to come over for a movie night? Order pizza? I’ll make dinner? Want to play games online from our own homes?” Nothing. I’d get either “I’m tired” or ignored, and they’d never bring up plans on their own. Despite this, they send messages talking about how they’re grateful for our friendship, they have no other friends, we’re besties, etc.
My cancer came back, I told them verbatim I really needed support. Then my dog got cancer and died before my treatment even started. Friend #3 flew into town and rented an Airbnb with amenities as a distracting “staycation.” They met up with us for an hour the entire weekend, even with our friend flying in from out of state. “I’m too tired.” All of my messages in group chats were ignored. But, if one of them messaged the chat needing to be consoled and I didn’t respond, they’d be like “where is she? Is she okay?”
After over a year of this I finally gave up. At this point it felt like I was embarrassing myself trying so hard because I was so desperate for social interaction. I can no longer go along with the charade of constantly putting forth effort in friendships that is not reciprocated. I do not have the energy to care. I don’t reach out and I don’t respond to group chats, which are basically dead now anyway.
Friend #1 (30F)- Lives 10 min away. So far up her own depression, she can’t see anything outside of that I guess.
Friend #2 (28F)- Also so far up her own depression she couldn’t see anything outside of it. Got pregnant a few months after I moved back,. Her and her husband live 3 hours away now, said she was very excited to have us as “aunties.” I offered to help her pack, move, unpack, bring meals, clean for her, just visit, and sent hundreds of dollars in gifts for the baby. I haven’t seen her in over a year.
Friend #3 (28F)- an extremely lovely person but is undiagnosed on the spectrum somewhere. We knew whenever she moved away that we would barely hear from her, her communication skills are not great. She also works ER hours and doesn’t take great care of herself. She’s basically either working or asleep. She has flown in multiple times to visit and wants to organize trips together, but she’s the only one who can afford it.
Friend #4 (31M)- was my ride or die, but lately has become very argumentative and very draining to talk to. Even though I’ve asked him to stop being combative, it keeps happening. We hardly talk anymore.
Friend #1 sent a message saying she knows our friendship has been strained lately, and that I can be honest about what our friendship status is. A few minutes later Friend #2 says a text saying “just checking in.” So, I guess they were talking about my absence.
I’m not a confrontational person. I also don’t really care anymore. It’s too little too late. I don’t feel like forcing excitement and participation for a half-assed friendship. How would you word things in a way that’s respectful yet honest?
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You’re totally done with them. I wouldn’t word things at all. Not responding to them at all conveys what you have to say to them perfectly.
Also, having that conversation will probably only bring you drama you don’t need.
I would be tempted to respond, “new phone, who dis?” But you asked for a respectful response. “Sorry guys, it’s very clear you have other priorities now. I am grateful for the friendship we shared and i wish you well, but I’m bowing out.” Then really really really do not respond to anyone. At all. Mute them and move on. You could achieve the same thing more cleanly by not responding starting now, without even sending that note. You are done, so be done.
People grow apart once “real life” starts and there’s distance. You had more of a friendship based on proximity with these people. While you were in school and it was easy, you were great. And now everyone has their own lives and their own health, and their jobs and so forth.
I know it’s disappointing but honestly, I’d just put your energy towards making new friends and not expecting it to be a “group”. Find a friend who likes your hobby, another to go out to eat, another you game with…whatever.
I meet new people through my hobbies and volunteer work. You don’t have to “break up” with these people but you can take a giant step back and put your energy elsewhere.
I think your sentence of no longer putting up with this charade of a friendship probably sums it up well. Of course I’m a very blunt person and I would be likely to tell you to your face. That may not be everyone’s cup of tea.
If you want to be non confrontational about it, let the friendship die a natural death and distance yourself from these people. They don’t seem to be your friends for the most part anyway.
Maybe something along the lines of, “I understand that we are all facing our own struggles and I wish you well. But at this time in my life I need to direct my energy into more supportive friendships.”
I have been asked to give former friends this kind of “closure” before. I used scare quotes because all it’s ever done is make things worse. As much as this changing dynamic has hurt at times, imagine what it’d feel like if they told you it was safe to explain and then they blamed you, denied it, or twisted everything you said. I agree with the other comments that suggest just not answering. If you do feel like you want or need to respond, I’d recommend asking them to try to answer their own question first and you can provide clarity from there. So like one of my friends asked about 8 months ago why I stopped calling her. And instead of explaining, I said something like, “I feel sad and even kind of disrespected by that question because I feel that the answer is just so obvious. So I guess I’d answer it by asking you if you can think of things you have and have not done that would make it such that I’d become disinterested in connecting with you?” And then if they admit a few examples, you simply say, “See what I mean? You clearly do understand why we’re no longer close friends.” If they insist they can’t figure it out, you say that you’ve decided to no longer pursue friendships with people who are clueless about the ways in which they hurt others.
If they ignored you, ignore them too. Live your life. I cut 4 friends off a few years ago. I’ve only semi-reconciled with one. Another sent messages like you got. After years of ignoring my problems, I just ghosted them.
I don’t feel bad about it. I think I used to, but I found new friends who showed me a level of care and understanding that I didn’t know before.
Don’t waste time on people who will just throw it away.